How are you feeling?

defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Nanita said:
I'm sorry you feel like that is the best option, all though I feel the same way often.

I've often thought "if this and that happens, then I'll feel good". And certain things definitely can make me feel good, but with time I've learned that those things don't fix me in the long run. Like, I'm still broken, unable to live happily, unable to create a life worth living. There's always too much suffering, emotionally (and physically I'm not doing so great either).

I've thought about how I would carry out my suicide, and I think I decided what way to do it.
But I'm pretty sure I could never do it, cause I'm too scared of not succeeding and putting myself in a worse condition.

I'm also slightly curious still, about life, and curious to find out if I could be better at living, could I really experience life in a whole new way?

I am really sad, lonely, depressed much of the time. Dissapointed with life, traumatized by a lot of stuff in my childhood, suffering, again and again consumed with nervousness and anxiety in social situations and also when I'm alone.

But when I feel good, I feel so good. That's the thing, I guess. That is why I'm still curious about life and unable to end it. When I'm excited about something, I feel like yes this is it, this feels so good and that's what I should feel more of the time. I can't give up hoping that I'll feel like that more of the time.

Rant over.
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There are those moments for me as well. When I feel so heavenly, although they are rare. I also think to myself that if only I could feel this way more often and also feel confident then life truly will be worth living. The only reason I am giving myself some time is because just like you I want to see if there is something that could change me for the better emotionally. Only time will tell I suppose
 
MollyBeGood

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Nanita said:
I'm sorry you feel like that is the best option, all though I feel the same way often.

I've often thought "if this and that happens, then I'll feel good". And certain things definitely can make me feel good, but with time I've learned that those things don't fix me in the long run. Like, I'm still broken, unable to live happily, unable to create a life worth living. There's always too much suffering, emotionally (and physically I'm not doing so great either).

I've thought about how I would carry out my suicide, and I think I decided what way to do it.
But I'm pretty sure I could never do it, cause I'm too scared of not succeeding and putting myself in a worse condition.

I'm also slightly curious still, about life, and curious to find out if I could be better at living, could I really experience life in a whole new way?

I am really sad, lonely, depressed much of the time. Dissapointed with life, traumatized by a lot of stuff in my childhood, suffering, again and again consumed with nervousness and anxiety in social situations and also when I'm alone.

But when I feel good, I feel so good. That's the thing, I guess. That is why I'm still curious about life and unable to end it. When I'm excited about something, I feel like yes this is it, this feels so good and that's what I should feel more of the time. I can't give up hoping that I'll feel like that more of the time.

Rant over.
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I am sorry you feel this way-I feel the same way too. But we can't stop trying. Something in me won't let me stop trying. I think that it is a life force that is good and wants to be happy buried in me under all of the awful stuff...a light in the darkness. I agree too- I could be sooo happy. My capacity for happiness and enjoyment of life is amazing. That is why it feels so bad to feel this way. I can find joy in the smallest things. I can see beauty in the things most people over look. Yet I am trapped in this reality that is made for a person with no sensitivity and no soul to get through the average day. It is a prison and a living hell. All we can do is keep looking for joy and beauty in the things around us. Try to let those things sustain us in our lowest moments of darkness. The new snow falling, a song we love, a kiss from a lover-those things we need to keep and protect in our hearts like precious gold.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well... Ah now know the perpetual disappointment that aw the "Yes" voter felt upon hearing the Scottish independence referendum result 2 years ago. :sad:

That, and I'm buckin' ragin'... :veryangry:

Aw that hope of newfound freedom efter ma extensive orthopedic surgery. The optimism... Effin' gone! Living on ma own - no chance! I'm the youngest in the family meaning the burden of caring for ma pensioner aged mum and middle-aged sister fall under ma responsibility. Sod it that ah cun only just care for myself despite ma disability.

Looks like ah'll never leave this effin' shithole town, y'know. Or get as far away from ma annoying, c**ty relatives. Cuz why live a genuinely happy, independent life when assisted suicide is always an option, eh? By that ah mean living with an irrational, unreasonable, neurotic, narcissistic, selfish, self-pitying, uncaring parent who constantly nags ye and blames you for pretty much everything they do wrong. Killing yersel' wouldnae be such a selfish act if that's whit ye hud to pit up with on a daily basis.

F**K MY F**KIN' LIFE!! :kickingmyself:
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Sleeping is the only time where my mental issues can't really bother me. Last night in my dreams I felt all the things that I feel when I am awake. Then when I woke up I had to fight back the tears because I was beyond miserable. Years of failure just flashed before my eyes and it became too much. I want to end my life so bad right now that I can't even express it in words:crying:. It will never get better for me and I know that now.
 
MollyBeGood

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
Finally getting some financial rewards for my efforts and it is so nice to have options to buy things again. I literally never spend money for many yrs now. I got to where I was making all of my own things except clothes to save money. I always buy used clothes. A lot of my lack of finances was of my own choice to do without and live frugally, to see how much I actually really needed. It was crazy how little one can get by on! I have learned about herbal and homeopathic remedies for a more healthy life too. Now that I have some cash again i feel like a millionaire. I think everyone should go without for 3-5 yrs. it is really empowering and better for the planet.
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
defiance said:
Years of failure just flashed before my eyes and it became too much. I want to end my life so bad right now that I can't even express it in words:crying:. It will never get better for me and I know that now.
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:sad: Damn! That's depressin' - more so, cuz ah cun relate. :crying:
 
this_portrait

this_portrait

Well-known member
My therapy session today was more or less a venting session. I teared up, but I didn't cry.

I've been trying to distract myself a lot today so I don't go nuts. Fortunately I'll be busy for most of tomorrow; need to clean my apartment since it's gonna be shown to a prospective new tenant on Tuesday, and I don't want to look like a messy pig.

For now, I'm focusing more on writing.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
I am nothing more than a failure. Everyone is getting annoyed with me because I can't move on in life. Let my life end please....LET IT END TONIGHT
 
Graeme1988

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Had yet another argument with my mum last night. Where, as per usual, I'm the sexist, oppressive, patriarchal villain, because ah treat her like crap, or so she keeps telling me. And apparently ah don't tell her I love her enough, either. Mind you, it's difficult to love someone with a pessimistic attitude, and who reacts like a petulant teenage brat upon being asked nicely to do something for me. And she's only like this with me. Though, it sure as f**k gives that birthday card ah got from her this year a certain irony.

It's also got me wondering...

Is there any point continuing tae live? Cuz ma life doesnae seem to be gettin' better. And there's no chance of that ever changing, since ma family are convinced I'll never be able to cope on ma own. Everytime ah mention wanting to get on with ma life and wanting to move away from where ah currently live, ma mum gives the usual guilt-ridden sob story and accuses me of neglecting her. Which is rich coming from a wummin who's treated me like ah don't exist for the last 14 years of my life.

Ah guess this is it for me? A boring, miserable, co-dependent existence, with moments of genuine happiness few and far between. :sad:
 
this_portrait

this_portrait

Well-known member
Trying to be hopeful about these upcoming interviews I have this week, even though it's really hard to feel that way. I just keep imagining myself in the worst possible situation, and it turns me into an emotional wreck full of resentment and anger and despair.

****, I hate my former employer so much right now. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

I'd go on a rage-fueled rant right now, but I think my brain will explode if I do, so I think it's best if I just continue to distract myself, by cleaning and writing, maybe even play with my cat. Anything to feel a bit of solace, however temporary it may be.
 
defiance

defiance

Well-known member
Megaten said:
Whats going on over there?
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Well to make a long story short, I am expected to do certain things and I cannot meet those expectations. Mind you we are talking about things like working, driving, etc. I don't blame them for getting upset with me for not being able to do these things as they don't know of my struggles,and I have good reasons for not telling them. I blame myself and I cannot help but blame myself for my failures.
 
S_Spartan

S_Spartan

Well-known member
Would really like to have just one night's sleep that isn't filled with dreams. No wonder I never feel rested. Always waking up after some weird dream then takes a while to get back to sleep.
 
Hoppy

Hoppy

Well-known member
Dispassionate, disinterested, detached.

I wish I could feel real emotions. Anger and hate does not count.
 
nodejesque

nodejesque

Well-known member
Kiwong said:
I really love parkrun. It is a great volunteer run event. It ha breathed life back into my running.
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I don't know if this is similar, but on Saturday I participated in a 5k run at a park. I was dreading it... But its such a beautiful park and the weather was amazing. I felt invigorated after the run. I really enjoyed it.

I've been meaning to get back into running. This helped me make that decision.
 
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