I don't know what to do anymore 🙁
I don't feel any hope, its all very well to think of my wishes and ambitions but I know deep down that nothing will ever happen. I will not achieve what I desire. Its like a flash of light amid darkness that is quickly eaten up by the unending darkness.
I read threads about people not having friends. I feel, I will never have one. Even those I have , certainly don't think much of me. For them I don't exist and they are all far away , so its the same as having no friends. Online stuff is nothing, it is not real. None of online people can ever know me, they can never understand. It is nothing like life. It seems like a unreal world. I am not totally what my profile says, you can never know me that way, you can't become my friend that way, no one can become my friend. Its like chasing something unattainable. Internet is not the way out. May be I am a fool who thinks I can live my life through internet. Who thinks who can get all that what I want by hiding behind a screen. It has never offered me anything worthwhile. All that I have is the regret over all those years I have spent trying to hide from life and probably spend more hiding. Its such an escape route, where things seem so easy online. I am not okay , and I have no idea what to do! clueless totally! Why I am not okay..may be because I have enough of it. I am tired of running ,thinking,hiding, literally everything that I do.
Today has been the most depressingly boring day in a long time. Sunny and fairly hot, we were all supposed to go to the beach as a family and get ice cream. Time was ticking away and I reminded my mother a few times, and she said okay, we'll go at 5, and then two hours later we didn't go and it was getting dark and she had to watch our dinner. And she said she forgot. Forgot!? I reminded her so many times 🙁
I was really looking forward to it because I've been trapped in the house for days, and so have my little brother and sister. My mom ALWAYS does this stuff; she rarely spends time with us as a family. I could have taken the car myself, I suppose, but it's not the same, and I don't know my way around really well...
On the positive side, sort of - more food stuff - we had pot roast for dinner. Seems food is all I have to look forward to lately. Which sounds really bad.
Perhaps if you went ahead without your mom next time she 'forgot', she would feel guilty about not going? Either way your siblings probably would still appreciate the trip to the beach.
Perhaps if you went ahead without your mom next time she 'forgot', she would feel guilty about not going? Either way your siblings probably would still appreciate the trip to the beach.
Not really, actually. They would rather go to the pool 🤨 What kid would rather go to a pool over the beach? They baffle me sometimes. And they'd rather sit inside on a beautiful day in front of their various screens rather than go play outside... although that's not surprising in the least and probably the rule now. Plus we don't exactly live in an area with rolling grassy hills...
Thing is, I'd feel lonely with only children with me, and I'd have to use my phone GPS (which is untrustworthy, AND my mobile internet isn't working! argh), and... sometimes people stare. Like they're my children or something, and they're judging me. Okay, maybe that's not what they're thinking, but I feel paranoid (even though I'm obviously too young to have children that age).
Not really, actually. They would rather go to the pool 🤨 What kid would rather go to a pool over the beach? They baffle me sometimes. And they'd rather sit inside on a beautiful day in front of their various screens rather than go play outside... although that's not surprising in the least and probably the rule now. Plus we don't exactly live in an area with rolling grassy hills...
Thing is, I'd feel lonely with only children with me, and I'd have to use my phone GPS (which is untrustworthy, AND my mobile internet isn't working! argh), and... sometimes people stare. Like they're my children or something, and they're judging me. Okay, maybe that's not what they're thinking, but I feel paranoid (even though I'm obviously too young to have children that age).
Okay, your siblings are mutant weirdos. Beach is so much better than pool.
I was thinking it was more about them than her, I guess. You can't change her priorities, though it hurts and it sucks. I know about that all too well. :/
Xenite, I hope your cat gets over it. That's a terrible feeling when they're sick.
....like sh&t. More rain today, and I'm tense and having anxiety. I feel like a loser.... on the bright side I found time to do yoga and I am planning on starting my new book.
That's awesome, Mikey! Sounds like it couldn't have gone better. It must be such a relief, not having to keep that a secret anymore! Now you can live without that mental baggage of having to worry about how she may react—the worst is over and the outcome wasn't anything to fear, after all. Congratulations, friend! It may be optimistic, but I feel as if things are about take a significant step forward now, for you. Now you can breathe without all that on your chest. Again, congratulations! You deserve a manwich. Too bad there's no manwich emoticon.
I can make my own manwich, haha. Thank you. :thumbup:
I'm feeling angry and very screwed up now. I'm arguing with some crazy b*tch who's part of a group of b*tches who have been bullying me for quite some time. They keep cherrypicking my words and making me seem like the bad guy that I'm really not. Sometimes I unintentionally say things that I didn't mean to say, and I've apologized for it several times, but they just keep obsessing over it to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I've never acted this way to anyone before, not even bullies from the past, and they're making me lose it big time. I'm having a hard time restraining myself.
I'm feeling angry and very screwed up now. I'm arguing with some crazy b*tch who's part of a group of b*tches who have been bullying me for quite some time. They keep cherrypicking my words and making me seem like the bad guy that I'm really not. Sometimes I unintentionally say things that I didn't mean to say, and I've apologized for it several times, but they just keep obsessing over it to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I've never acted this way to anyone before, not even bullies from the past, and they're making me lose it big time. I'm having a hard time restraining myself.
Stuff like this, even if you don't know them personally, can really get a person upset. I have had that happen to me before, it is a major anxiety trigger.
They are probably not worth your time. I personally wouldn't keep banging my head against a wall. I hate mean girls. But if you want to make yourself feel better, right before you slam the cyber door- tell them off, then delete your account! Haha!
Actually, don't take my advice. I'm completely and utterly avoidant. Someone else can probably give you better advice! :omg:
I'm feeling angry and very screwed up now. I'm arguing with some crazy b*tch who's part of a group of b*tches who have been bullying me for quite some time. They keep cherrypicking my words and making me seem like the bad guy that I'm really not. Sometimes I unintentionally say things that I didn't mean to say, and I've apologized for it several times, but they just keep obsessing over it to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I've never acted this way to anyone before, not even bullies from the past, and they're making me lose it big time. I'm having a hard time restraining myself.
I hate people like that. People that pick and choose through what you say to make you look like an idiot. Happened to me once in the 7th grade. I punched the kid right in the face. He fell on his rear end. Can't do that as adults, though, unfortunately.
I want to kill myself tonight. It's just all got too much for me. The daily panic attacks, the anxiety of going to prison, the social anxiety, the shaking, the sweating, the crying. I can't take it anymore, guys. I don't know If I'll be around to post on here again or anything. I just can't cope with a life that's so messed up and lonely. I've got no friends at all, my family won't speak to me anymore; I used to love my family but they hate me now. I'm a failure, an alcoholic, I can't commit to anything, I just mess it up. I'm a coward and a selfish loser. Words can't console me anymore, not even alcohol can, I'm just living the same life day after day, the only difference Is I get more heavily into debt and more malnourished. Oh god, I just can't take it anymore. When I was a kid I used to have all these hopes for myself, all these dreams, that I'd do well in life, I'd succeed. I've messed it all up completely.
I know a lot of people on here have been through a lot and probably think I'm pathetic and weak. That's probably true, but If I spend another day staring at these same four walls, slowly fading away from loneliness and depression, I'd just lose my mind. My life hasn't been bad, I've had chances, but I messed them up, all of them. I've been an idiot and now I'm paying for it. I'm running away from my responsibilities, my obligations, everything but I feel at peace now. I'm going home.
I've lurked on this website for many years and even though it's primarily for social anxiety, my problem is a deep depression. I'm sure the problem's in my brain, that's the only explanation for it. I can't stand being predisposed to being anxious, I can't stop my worry. It shouldn't end like this, but I'm just getting too old for this. The world is changing and I should probably just disappear and let everyone get on with their lives. My existence was just a pitiful mistake. I want to end it all but knowing me, I'm too much of a coward to do even that. That's why I've got alcohol, so I can end it all painlessly.
#44981
Report
