How are you feeling?

[Phoenixx]

It's friday night and here I am playing Pokemon battles.

So yeah, quite an interesting life lol.

^ That's pretty much what I did with my Friday night too. Played Pokemon Black 2 for a bit, then I laid in bed watching Rugrats and CatDog until I fell asleep.

 

[jaim38]

I feel hurt, pain in my heart. It goes beyond jealousy.

So last time I mentioned that there's this girl named Jessica who was a superachieving volunteer and I was jealous of her. I let out my feelings, felt ashamed of myself, and tried to be grateful for what she's doing for our organization. After I adopted this mindset, it actually went well. I started feeling a bit of gratefulness. But then today my heart crashed. I found out Jessica was doing web design and learning Google Sites. I don't know how to explain it, but Jessica is doing one of my dream jobs. THis is the position that I applied for when I first joined the organization, to do web design and maintenance, but my boss then promoted me and I was stupid enough to accept the promotion without a fight. Now I'm stuck doing some HR cr*p that I don't even like doing. And now my boss is treating me like a SLAVE, having me do almost everything that he doesn't want to do, and I absolutely HATE it! Plus he treats me like a "Kid", calling me "Kid" a few times. He's also lazy and accuses people of things they never do, and sometimes I wonder if he has dementia. In other words, he sucks. Anyways, after I clicked on Jessica's web design plan, my heart SUNK. I should be doing the job she's doing, I really want to quit NOW and take this position, be web designer volunteer for the organization.

Ok, to make things even worse, my brother accused me of staring at him. I had to go in the closet to type while he stays outside. I wasn't even staring at him, maybe gazing for 2 seconds. Everytime I looked at him, even for less than a second, he would run his hands over my belly and scratch it. He does that to my mom too. In the past, he used to hit me or scratch me hard when I look at him. I wasn't even staring at him. It's so NOT FAIR that he can stare at me all he wants and acts like he's king. He pulls up a chair, sits on it, and stares at me almost everyday this summer. But when I look at his face even for less than a second, he scratches my belly and tells me not to "stare" again, sometimes threatening me.

 

[Steiner]

Like garbage.

 

[Nanita]

I don´t know how to get out of my own isolation. Being with people once in a while doesn´t make much of a difference - I still feel like I´m in a bubble.

 

[JuiceB]

My heart is pounding and I can't seem to relax at all. It's horrible.

 

[jaim38]

I had like one of the worst b-day ever. So far I cried 2 times on my b-day: one was 4 years earlier when I quit volunteering at that hospital. The other one was today.

So earlier, my brother accused me of staring at him and punished me by scratching my stomach so I had to go to the closet to do my work because even a mere .5 second glance can set him off. Later my brother forced me to converse with him about buses and wheels. I told him I don't want to. Then he said I was an idiot and stupid. I told him I would like to stand and stretch for a moment because I was tired of sitting on my butt so long but he wouldn't let me. I continued to ask him permission to stand and stretch (yes, I need permission to do that!). After that, I told him today's my b-day and I really don't wanna listen to him yak on about buses and wheels. That set him off. He called me a stupid idiot, called me a "fat baby" and said I'm not "all that". Then he said something like "I don't like your behavior. You gotta reflect on that, understand?" I said ok to avoid arguing with him forever because I gotta exercise. Afterwards I went to the bathroom and cried.

Then I came back out and did some butt/thigh exercises and yoga, which brought some relief to my mood. I was feeling ok and all but then my aunt had to call to wish me a happy b-day. Obviously, my parents forgot about my b-day and my brother couldn't care less, plus we didn't buy cake so I didn't bring it up. My aunt spoke to my mom, reminded her of my b-day, and wanted to speak with me. For some reason, I'm not in the mood to speak to anyone today, besides my parents. I just want people to leave the heck out of me alone. So my mom was chasing me with the phone in hand while I dodged. Then I got back to cooking and midway, I cried again.

Thinking back, I feel horrible for not speaking with my aunt but I am just not in the mood. I am still sore and bitter over how what my brother said to me and how he treated me today. I just want to be left alone. The last thing that I want is more social interaction with people besides my parents. Honestly, when I speak with my aunt, I do feel pressure to sound cheery and happy because it's my b-day, plus I don't want her to think I'm a loser.

 

[MikeyC]

CatDog

I haven't seen this show in a while. I remember enjoying it.

So earlier, my brother accused me of staring at him and punished me by scratching my stomach so I had to go to the closet to do my work because even a mere .5 second glance can set him off. Later my brother forced me to converse with him about buses and wheels. I told him I don't want to. Then he said I was an idiot and stupid. I told him I would like to stand and stretch for a moment because I was tired of sitting on my butt so long but he wouldn't let me. I continued to ask him permission to stand and stretch (yes, I need permission to do that!). After that, I told him today's my b-day and I really don't wanna listen to him yak on about buses and wheels. That set him off. He called me a stupid idiot, called me a "fat baby" and said I'm not "all that". Then he said something like "I don't like your behavior. You gotta reflect on that, understand?" I said ok to avoid arguing with him forever because I gotta exercise. Afterwards I went to the bathroom and cried.

What on earth is your brother's problem? You've posted about him before, right? You do realise this is domestic violence?

So, tell me, where does the violence end? Do you have to walk around on eggshells for him? Do you have to plan your day around him so he doesn't attack you? What kind of a life is that?

I think you have a case for going to the police. Furthermore, stand up for yourself. There's no way in hell you are capable of putting up with violent threats forever.

 

[MollyBeGood]

after being back in the public and working a regular steady job I am more broke than ever and have nothing but dislike for humans-I give up! I try to do the right and normal thing and it just makes me more aware of why I wanted away from people, all along since I was very little. Nothing changes. So friggin depressing. Sorry.

 

[Opaline]

after being back in the public and working a regular steady job I am more broke than ever and have nothing but dislike for humans-I give up! I try to do the right and normal thing and it just makes me more aware of why I wanted away from people, all along since I was very little. Nothing changes. So friggin depressing. Sorry.

Same, same. I'll be right over with the wine and chocolate!

 

[Alienated]

I am loosing all hope that I will ever fit into society again, and will spend the rest of my life in isolation. I am starting to slide back into depression, and don't know what I am going to do. At least I don't have to worry about money right now, but I am starting to get thoughts of wanting to die again.

 

[Opaline]

For the past few days my neck has had this weird constricted tense feeling that I can't seem to shake. I think it's stress but I can't be sure. It feels like someone's slowly strangling me and I can't relax and my head feels heavy. Very uncomfortable.

 

[Kiwong]

after being back in the public and working a regular steady job I am more broke than ever and have nothing but dislike for humans-I give up! I try to do the right and normal thing and it just makes me more aware of why I wanted away from people, all along since I was very little. Nothing changes. So friggin depressing. Sorry.

I feel the same way April Snow. I can be fine, happy even and then people seem to suck the life out of my day, especially my work colleagues. I dread heading into work after a weekend.

 

[jaim38]

What on earth is your brother's problem? You've posted about him before, right? You do realise this is domestic violence?

So, tell me, where does the violence end? Do you have to walk around on eggshells for him? Do you have to plan your day around him so he doesn't attack you? What kind of a life is that?

I think you have a case for going to the police. Furthermore, stand up for yourself. There's no way in hell you are capable of putting up with violent threats forever.

You're right. This is domestic violence. I keep complaining about him so much that people are probably getting tired of it. I am not sure when this violence will end. He and I are both living at our parents' house, unemployed but enrolled in school. Living in the house isn't so bad, compared to when we used to live in the apartments. My parents are like my best friends. I was hoping my brother would graduate and move out but I don't see him doing that anytime soon.

tbh, this is hard. If I call the cops on my brother, my parents will be heartbroken. They know about his aggressive behavior but hope he'll grow out of it but he never did. In fact I think my mom's making it worse.

Yes I have to plan my day around him. I try to avoid him when he comes out of his room. His schedule is pretty consistent for the most part. He's agoraphobic like me, but probably 10X worse. He's also paranoid, antisocial, and I think he exhibits true psychopathic behavior and thoughts.

However bad my situation is, one thing's for sure: I won't live with him forever. Either he moves out or I do in the future.

 

[Trishanku]

I'm frightened about my future, Im living with my parents. I really need to get out and live independtly. But i have no clue :| I feeling sleepy now 11:09 am. I had a good start had been out with my Yoga teacher and group to the near by hill and Im back at home, some chores for now i guess.

 

[Steiner]

Sleepy.....

 

[MikeyC]

You're right. This is domestic violence. I keep complaining about him so much that people are probably getting tired of it. I am not sure when this violence will end. He and I are both living at our parents' house, unemployed but enrolled in school. Living in the house isn't so bad, compared to when we used to live in the apartments. My parents are like my best friends. I was hoping my brother would graduate and move out but I don't see him doing that anytime soon.

tbh, this is hard. If I call the cops on my brother, my parents will be heartbroken. They know about his aggressive behavior but hope he'll grow out of it but he never did. In fact I think my mom's making it worse.

Yes I have to plan my day around him. I try to avoid him when he comes out of his room. His schedule is pretty consistent for the most part. He's agoraphobic like me, but probably 10X worse. He's also paranoid, antisocial, and I think he exhibits true psychopathic behavior and thoughts.

However bad my situation is, one thing's for sure: I won't live with him forever. Either he moves out or I do in the future.

Your parents are kidding themselves if they think he'll "grow out" of his behaviour. Do they not care that you're being attacked by him?

If he's paranoid, and exhibits psychopathic behaviour, and he's already violent towards you, what's to stop him from further, more vicious, attacks? I do believe that he might even kill you if riled up enough, and I don't want to scare you but that's the kind of imbalanced behaviour he's conveying.

You need to get out yesterday. It's become a safety issue.

(I don't know all the details of your home life, but from what you've shown, this is what I'm inferring from it.)

 

[nicole1]

Unamused that someone still talks about me though I no longer think of them. It feels weird, esp stumbling on people saying things about me. Uncomfortable.

I feel mostly sad at the moment. It seems that too much has happened in a short amount of time and I'm having a hard time adjusting to the change. I feel alone and while seeking someone to talk to, it seems like everyone isn't there. Well, no one I really want to talk to at the mo. while others are likely sleep like normal people.

I'm disappointed that I tried to get close to someone who just...keeps showing over and over that they are not the person I thought or wanted them to be. I'm so desperate to be close to someone that...this person comes off as someone harmless and as if a bond can form. BUT...but...they're not. And a lot of times... I just want to say **** it but my mom and other family will not let me be mean about it anymore...

I'm also restless. Maybe a close friend or family member to chat with isn't the answer and good quality time alone to process is more necessary for my current issues???

 

[Opaline]

Because of my job I haven't had much time lately to do any socializing (not that I have many options anyway, but what little I have is out of reach at the moment). I wake up in the mornings now with anxiety and over time that morphs into a depressed feeling (I wonder why that is?). I go into work expecting to have to deal with a couple unprofessional/rude coworkers, and expecting to have to deal with things the company screwed up - they've been doing that a LOT lately. Yesterday I had to pay half of what my register was short, and I SWEAR I gave all the correct change and everything! I made sure! And yet I was $18 short! I think whoever counted the register counted incorrectly. And I had to literally pay for it. And my manager is just soooooo bad, he's sky-high EVERY DAY and rude and it makes it hard to communicate with him and I'm afraid he's going to screw things up. I hate this place. At least I'm not a shift leader any more, but now I'm embarrassed about that too.

Anyway, short story is I hate my job and am lonely and stressed and feeling really depressed again. Guess that's why I'm venting here, because I feel like I have no one to talk to (except family but that's just not the same, don't know why).

In these moments I always realize that there hasn't been one day in the past four years that if I was offered the chance to die peacefully and painlessly, I would turn it down. Or at least feel more peaceful knowing I had the option.

 

[Steiner]

and painlessly, I would probably say yes. Or at least feel more peaceful knowing I had the option.

Sometimes I wish this too. Like what they give to animals to put them down except make it for humans.

 

[Phoenixx]

I woke up this morning and realized I really need some sort of change in my life. (Small changes, that is. I don't always handle drastic large changes well) Whether to go somewhere, do something different, change up the typical lazy routine, something. Then I went outside on the patio and felt how disgustingly hot it was for 9:30am so I crossed off going anywhere off the list today.

I think I'm going to dig out some family photos for a project I've been wanting to do for a while. Then maybe start planning a couple short trips for next month to some colleges I've been looking at.