I feel so terrible.
It was only a few weeks ago that I had felt the best I had in a while, I could even say the best I have felt ever. I really had a serious go at myself and basically kicked my own ass into being happy and it worked. Or so I thought.
It was only a matter of time before my rubber band syndrome reared its seriously bitchass gip. It seems like I can only make so much progress before I begin to get tugged and eventually snapped right back to where I started from.
I could fill a lake with the amount of tears ive shed over the past couple of days,I just cant f**king stand how it felt like I was making some actual headway for once.
Im trying as hard as I can to keep the SA demons from getting their grasp on me but I dont need to tell most of this forums members how exhausting of a fight it is.
As mentally and physically exhausted I am I haven't given up yet. My sister is coming home in a few days and I'l probably talk to her about some stuff. In such a paradoxical way as much as I feel utter resentment and jealousy towards my sister she is the only one I can really talk to about stuff,stuff trying to talk to my parents about is like taking a rail road spike to the jugular.
One of the biggest thing is finally getting off of my lazy,SA ridden ass and getting a job.
Not having a job is one of the biggest reasons why ive been feeling so down the entire summer. I just think that without a job it emphasizes even more the life that I DONT have. Waking up at 6 in the f**king afternoon,eating dinner at 3 in the morning,not leaving the house for almost 20 f**king days.I just feel like the most worthless piece of sh*t while everybody else my age is either working full time or going off to university. But anyway my sister is such a driven girl so she is all about the tough love, shes probably going to shove the resumes into my hand and throw me into the store while peering through the window, holding my playstation hostage if I dont go up and ask for a job.
A job would truly be beneficial. I mean social skills are like a muscle, they need to be exercised if they are to actually work. I have absolutely no life,I stay in the house for almost half a month at a time so obviously I have no way to practice my social skills. If I get a job il certainly be able to do that and maybe il actually meet some people,possibly make new friends. But of course making friends is a jog while im still learning how to walk. I still need to take it one step at a time.
But anyway I need to just not give up. At least at this point im aware that I DO have the motivation to try and change. If I fail I fail, but at least it shows that I tried to move forward and eventually I WILL move forward. You can only miss the net so many times before you finally score.
Its as if since graduating high school ive been upgraded to the Premier League. Ive lost the first few opening matches but im like Manchester City, Old "Typical" City,Just because ive been mediocre doesnt mean il never be able to shine
.<I just thought of that on the spot and im already smiling ear to ear
ahhh sports analogies youve saved my bacon again