like half my brain is numbed out. everything feels nothing like anything, can't connect to a single thing thought or feeling except for being sick of everything being nothing. Not even satisfaction for posting or defining a feeling. reward system in head, temporarily out of order, so that the most rewarding thing is to just stop trying to do anything.
also, lied and said I would call friend in an hour, knowing very well I was lying, so somewhere there is guilt, why not just say the truth? feel like an idiot.
For some reason it's very difficult to press 'post' with body saying how purposeless it is. will feel a lot better tomorrow i hope! or perhaps the next day.
Today is my grandmother's 87th birthday and she celebrated in style by falling and breaking her hip yet again. So I've been at the hospital all day. She was scheduled to have a stent put in (around? I don't know what stents are or how they work.) her heart in mid July. The doctor thinks that the stent is more important than the hip right now and he wants to put off the hip surgery for another month. My grandma is horribly stubborn and wants the surgery done tomorrow. She is at a pretty high risk to have a heart attach or stroke during surgery and she knows this, but she's going ahead with it anyway. I have no comment on her decision; she's 87 years old and can choose whatever she wants. I'm just afraid that she isn't going to make it through. I've spent so much of my time being mad at her or just ignoring her and now I'm faced with the very real possibility that she may die tomorrow. I'm not ready to handle this yet. She's been in situations before where we have feared something would happen (her throat surgery a couple of months ago for example), but this seems to be the one that has the whole family worried. There were a dozen of us packed in her tiny hospital room and the phone was ringing off the hook. When my sister and I went to my grandma's house to check on her dog, the neighbors were all concerned.
Suffice it to say, I have a monstrous headache and I'm not sure I'll get much sleep tonight.
I am so sorry. She is in my thoughts and I hope she pulls through.
Today is my grandmother's 87th birthday and she celebrated in style by falling and breaking her hip yet again. So I've been at the hospital all day. She was scheduled to have a stent put in (around? I don't know what stents are or how they work.) her heart in mid July. The doctor thinks that the stent is more important than the hip right now and he wants to put off the hip surgery for another month. My grandma is horribly stubborn and wants the surgery done tomorrow. She is at a pretty high risk to have a heart attach or stroke during surgery and she knows this, but she's going ahead with it anyway. I have no comment on her decision; she's 87 years old and can choose whatever she wants. I'm just afraid that she isn't going to make it through. I've spent so much of my time being mad at her or just ignoring her and now I'm faced with the very real possibility that she may die tomorrow. I'm not ready to handle this yet. She's been in situations before where we have feared something would happen (her throat surgery a couple of months ago for example), but this seems to be the one that has the whole family worried. There were a dozen of us packed in her tiny hospital room and the phone was ringing off the hook. When my sister and I went to my grandma's house to check on her dog, the neighbors were all concerned.
Suffice it to say, I have a monstrous headache and I'm not sure I'll get much sleep tonight.
i am starting a diet / cut cycle based off Lyle Mcdonald's ultimate diet 2.0
Low carbs and low calorie. **** it is day 1 and im feeling like ****. to think that i need at least 2 weeks...
this is the first time ill b following a diet plan. It is supposed to preserve muscle.
Struggling with a pretty bad depression. Overwhelmed. Pissed off that my oldest sister can't respect my privacy, and I'm having to constant do everything for her, with regards to her laptop. Because she can't be bothered doing it herself, so it dumped upon me to do, as if I have nothing better to do. 😠
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