Did anyone else choose to not date until their SA is completely gone?

Newtype

Well-known member
A long time ago I made the decision to not approach any girls until my SA is completely gone. It's sad living this way, but I don't want to take any risks. Loving someone is also being there for that person and I fear that I wouldn't fully be able to support that person as long as I have SA. Also, with SA, I would always be scared of going to places with her and that would just make an experience that is supposed to be fun into something not fun at all. I just don't want her to know me with SA. I want her to know the me that I'm supposed to be.

Is anyone else like this?
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
I don't want to date ever again but I have insisted to my family members to STOP SETTING ME UP at least until I am functioning better as an agoraphobic.
I'd like to have like... I don't know... a job, some income, a life at the very least before I humiliate myself by going on blind dates.
haha

Agoraphobia and B.D.D were what destroyed my last relationship, probably.
I should fix that before thinking about trying again.
It just makes sense.
 

TheSanctuarian

Well-known member
I would say, if SA is getting in your way. try your best to find someone, it could be the perfect way to get over the anxiety.

Agoraphobia, Im not sure....
 
This is an interesting topic for me, because a few years ago while dealing with my SA, I had the same type of thinking. I was going to avoid any and all contact with the opposite sex until i could learn to be "myself" to others. During that time, I had a few opportunities to date and be in relationships, so I took those chances. It ultimately lead to the end of the relationship, because I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD A SOCIAL ANXIETY!. I knew something was wrong with me, and I knew there was something holding me back from being able to communicate comfortable and maintain friendships/relationships.

After I realized what I was dealing with, I then could start to manage it, and slowly build up those close friendships and relationships. I don't think SA will ever be gone completely, but we can learn to deal with and improve ourselves.

So that's where i'm at in this point of my life. I manage to deal with certain things and anxieties that I have, so that I can move forward and date and have girlfriends like I desire to. Once you love yourself, or as someone above said "be best friends with yourself", then we can become more comfortable with others, and even start dating.

I know everyone is different, but that's just my personal experience. I'm single now, but I wouldn't hesitate to start dating if I met the right girl. Knowing I deal with SA allows me to be more honest to others about it, and get it out in the open before I ruin things by trying to hide it.
 

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
I've committed myself to ignoring any advance until I am functional again. Many years ago the thought of being with someone, the ideal I should say, was very temptingg, but the reality is never like that. I know I would just be setting myself for disaster by putting myself in a situation that I am not able to deal with. It's also very selfish, as you are allowing someone to invest so much time and emotion into you and are never able to give them what they want, what they deserve. Just some thoughts.

I was recently dating someone and I broke it off for this very reason. I thought a lot about stuff and I realized he deserved someone who could give him everything he needed and someone who could reciprocate his emotions/feelings/actions. I struggled with a lot of stuff, he was sort of willing to wait around and deal with it... but it just wasn't fair to him. It also caused a lot of problems between us, mostly due to my issues. I was going to try and see if I could work through it, but I couldn't justify bringing someone else down while I worked through my own stuff.

So from now on I am going to step back and not get invested with anyone. I want a healthy and happy relationship and the only way I can achieve that is being healthy and happy with myself. I need to work on my issues alone, not while dating someone else
 
I had a girlfriend for a couple years. I met her back in 2008, my absolute low as far as SA goes. We both had SA and we helped each other through it. My SA is almost nonexistent these days, except for the occasional bad day, and it was entirely because I had someone who loved and accepted me for who I was.
 

alspacka

Well-known member
I had a girlfriend for a couple years. I met her back in 2008, my absolute low as far as SA goes. We both had SA and we helped each other through it. My SA is almost nonexistent these days, except for the occasional bad day, and it was entirely because I had someone who loved and accepted me for who I was.

That sounds absolutely wonderful.
 

Devoured

Member
I thought a lot about stuff and I realized he deserved someone who could give him everything he needed and someone who could reciprocate his emotions/feelings/actions. I struggled with a lot of stuff, he was sort of willing to wait around and deal with it... but it just wasn't fair to him.

I am pretty much the same way. If I meet a girl online that seems really nice, I feel that my issues would hold them back. That makes me really hesitant to actually meet them in person.

I would rather find someone with similar social problems and become friends. Then in the future, who knows :cool:

Too bad I don't see that happening either though
 

Rembrandt Broam

Well-known member
If I'd chosen not to date until my SA was gone, I'd never have dated.

My SA is part of my personality, so it's never going to be gone. I can work on ways to lessen its negative effects on my life, but it's always going to be there, and anyone I'm in a relationship with is going to have to deal with that, just as I'll have to deal with their issues, whether SA related or not.

I'm never going to be a flawless person without any hangups or issues, but then neither is anyone else. The way I look at it, you just have to get on with life. It's way too short as it is, and I don't want to miss opportunities because I don't think I'm "good enough" yet.
 

SM1010

Well-known member
I don't think avoiding dating until your SA is gone is the correct way to approach it.

Part of getting over SA is by doing things that you fear...

Take small steps. Join some dating sites, approaching is much easier there. I've never really approached a women I was interested in person but I've gone out with a lot of women over the past year or two due to dating sites. They help me a lot. I'm getting more comfortable with women, hopefully that will help me with approaching.
 
Last edited:

Devoured

Member
I don't think avoiding dating until your SA is gone is the correct way to approach it.

Part of getting over SA is by doing things that you fear...

That was sort of the reason why I began meeting people online. I figured it would be facing my fears and hope to overcome it.

I've always been someone that put others before myself though and to me it feels like I'm taking advantage of them by doing that. Even if my intentions are good.
 

WearyChild

Well-known member
I kind of fall into this. I had decided not to date for the same reasobs plus Im agoraphobic and didnt want to tie anyone to this house. I felt I could properly support the other person in the relationship emotionally. I was riht. My boyfriend was persistant and finally I agrees to date him and now I feel like the weak link. The destructive force barrelling toward our relationship.
 

Kat

Well-known member
If I'd chosen not to date until my SA was gone, I'd never have dated.

My SA is part of my personality, so it's never going to be gone. I can work on ways to lessen its negative effects on my life, but it's always going to be there, and anyone I'm in a relationship with is going to have to deal with that, just as I'll have to deal with their issues, whether SA related or not.

I'm never going to be a flawless person without any hangups or issues, but then neither is anyone else. The way I look at it, you just have to get on with life. It's way too short as it is, and I don't want to miss opportunities because I don't think I'm "good enough" yet.


I have to agree with that. I use to think I’d wait until it was gone but it could be with me for the rest of my life. I do think having a low self esteem needs to be worked on to some degree, well at least to the point where you won’t just settle for anyone just for the sake of having someone, but I guess it can have the opposite effect you don’t let anyone in. Either way it wins.
Especially since one of the key things in relationships is to compromise and learning to respect how one another feels.
 

Feathers

Well-known member
I agree with Rembrandt and Kat,

I've been waiting until I would be 'perfect' and would meet someone 'perfect' in the past...
I stayed away from dating, only to find myself older and still imperfect lol... The idea is to learn to accept own and others' imperfections...

There's also a difference between 'actively dating' or just being open to meeting someone you might click with...

It depends what degree of SA you might have though and what - if any - other factors in your life might be relevant...

I think some degree of anxiety and social anxiety can be prefectly 'normal' in new situations or after being overwhelmed/burnt out etc. So I don't think it's possible they would be 'completely' gone, as lives and situations change...

If you might have very bad sa/anxiety or agoraphobia or such, it may be wise to work on things first... Learning more constructive ways of thinking and communication and living can help in the relationship too..
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
A long time ago I made the decision to not approach any girls until my SA is completely gone. It's sad living this way, but I don't want to take any risks. Loving someone is also being there for that person and I fear that I wouldn't fully be able to support that person as long as I have SA. Also, with SA, I would always be scared of going to places with her and that would just make an experience that is supposed to be fun into something not fun at all. I just don't want her to know me with SA. I want her to know the me that I'm supposed to be.

Is anyone else like this?

I'm exactly like this.
 

Mickery

Well-known member
I would never wait for something that realistically is never going to go completely, even if I learn to handle it well. I've done so much waiting in my life already, it would make things much worse in some respects.

I am inclined to wait until my life is in better shape though. I'm not much of a prospect as things are and I don't want to inflict my problems on somebody else, either. It's not fair. I need a minimal amount of money and freedom and so on, that I can be a good partner for them.
 

AGR

Well-known member
I am waiting until I find the right person who likes me,I had a lot of chances in the past,now not so much haha,those girls were not for me,I dont want her to be perfect,but some things are just no go to me,those are really simple things,its amazing that so few people,maybe none are like the person I imagined.
 

The Lost

Well-known member
I've never been on a date, but I'd rather get myself sorted out first before attempting a date, otherwise the person I'm with will just notice my anxiety and awkwardness, which isn't the intent.
 
Last edited:
Top