Did anyone else choose to not date until their SA is completely gone?

[SM1010]

I posted the same thing in a similar thread but...

I think waiting until your SA MIGHT be gone is a mistake. It may never be gone, and you're just feeding the problem by doing this. You're avoiding something that is scary, which is exactly what we SA people tend to do.

 

[Mickery]

Always ask yourself this: What is perpetuating my situation?

The situation is that you are lonely and would like to have a partner. Is your SA preventing that? Is your avoiding people because you have SA preventing that? Is it something else?

Only you know. But you should frequently stop and think about that question, whenever something is not happening for you. Be honest in your answer.

 

[megalon]

I think if I attempted dating in my current state, I'd just be dragging the girl down. I don't plan to wait till SA is gone though. I'm already in my mid twenties and the dating prospects will only get worse if I wait. I think women would consider a guy over 30 who's never had any relationships to be too far into "damaged goods" territory. So I plan to enter the dating world as soon as I get a few financial things straightened out in my life.

 

[darkrider]

How do you approach someone if you have SA?

I would really like to know.

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

I had a girlfriend for a couple years. I met her back in 2008, my absolute low as far as SA goes. We both had SA and we helped each other through it. My SA is almost nonexistent these days, except for the occasional bad day, and it was entirely because I had someone who loved and accepted me for who I was.

*Dies of jealousy*

*Comes back as social phobic zombie*

*Reads Pyrophosphate's post again*

*Brains explode of jealousy*

 

[EscapeArtist]

Yep.SA is connected to self image for me. I won't date until I have a positive self image

 

[A friend]

A long time ago I made the decision to not approach any girls until my SA is completely gone. It's sad living this way, but I don't want to take any risks. Loving someone is also being there for that person and I fear that I wouldn't fully be able to support that person as long as I have SA. Also, with SA, I would always be scared of going to places with her and that would just make an experience that is supposed to be fun into something not fun at all. I just don't want her to know me with SA. I want her to know the me that I'm supposed to be.

Is anyone else like this?

You are a smart individual. Cleaning yourself up before dating can result in better relationships. You have good judgement.

I think if I attempted dating in my current state, I'd just be dragging the girl down. I don't plan to wait till SA is gone though. I'm already in my mid twenties and the dating prospects will only get worse if I wait. I think women would consider a guy over 30 who's never had any relationships to be too far into "damaged goods" territory. So I plan to enter the dating world as soon as I get a few financial things straightened out in my life.

Women actually consider someone who has never had a relationship before the age of 15 consider a guy to be "damaged goods" territory, regardless of whether he has any issues (including or excluding SA) or not. Basically, if you haven't had your first girlfriend when you are 12 or 13, it's pretty much over.

Although women on this forum might function differently, most female human beings loathe virginity (and single men) with an unhealthy obsessive passion. It's their nature, and it's something that none should try to re-program.

I'm not trying to discourage anything, I'm just telling you how they function.

 

[megalon]

Women actually consider someone who has never had a relationship before the age of 15 consider a guy to be "damaged goods" territory, regardless of whether he has any issues (including or excluding SA) or not. Basically, if you haven't had your first girlfriend when you are 12 or 13, it's pretty much over.

Although women on this forum might function differently, most female human beings loathe virginity (and single men) with an unhealthy obsessive passion. It's their nature, and it's something that none should try to re-program.

I'm not trying to discourage anything, I'm just telling you how they function.

I wasn't denying that I already am in the damaged goods category. I was just saying I want to take action before I get past the point of no return. I know I may already be past that point but I have to hold onto some hope.

 

[A friend]

You are deserving of what you wish for, and if you want true happiness, then you will find it. If a man has not found true love, then there is something much better waiting for him.

The way I see it, if you don't get something you ask for, then there's something much better waiting for you.

 

[Mickery]

Women actually consider someone who has never had a relationship before the age of 15 consider a guy to be "damaged goods" territory, regardless of whether he has any issues (including or excluding SA) or not. Basically, if you haven't had your first girlfriend when you are 12 or 13, it's pretty much over.

Although women on this forum might function differently, most female human beings loathe virginity (and single men) with an unhealthy obsessive passion. It's their nature, and it's something that none should try to re-program.

I'm not trying to discourage anything, I'm just telling you how they function.

That is so inaccurate there should be a new word to describe just how exceptionally inaccurate it is.

 

[SM1010]

That is so inaccurate there should be a new word to describe just how exceptionally inaccurate it is.

I agree.

And I don't agree with everyone who thinks they shouldn't date because "they don't like themselves" and are waiting for their SA to get better. Dating doesn't mean jumping into a relationship. It means going out with women you're interested in. I've dated a lot of women but never been in a relationship.

By avoiding dating you're just playing into your SA by avoiding IMO.

 

[Mickery]

Dating is putting yourself in a very precarious position. It would be like saying that you want to cooke, but have no intention of eating, the entire rational has to be questionned.

Well then, not dating would be like saying you want to eat a particular type of cake for the rest of your life when you've never tried cake before.

it gets complicated and they end up losing control of the situation and get hurt in the process.

Them, us and everybody else in the world. Avoiding romantic hurt just gives you a different kind of hurt and none of the benefits that come with the first kind.

If it is your intention to meet people, then why not simply do that with friends, or new people?

Because if friends or new people were just like dating, nobody would be dating.

Dating is putting yourself out there for a relationship. Using it to fill your own need to 'meet' women is actually quite selfish and simply wasting their time. I don't agree with that at all.

I strongly disagree. Something I've noticed among SA suffers (and I include myself in this by the way, though I'm far better than I was) is a tendency to be a bit of a "white knight" about the opposite sex, as well as holding an overly-romanticized perspective of them, being particularly conservative in certain areas, being very specific in their predictions and desires, stuff like that. Rigid morality is quite a common trait among avoidants, I believe.

Dating can lead to nothing, to good friends, to sex, to marriage, you name it. What if you meet someone who doesn't want the same thing as you, but you get on well, and you fall in love, and one or both of you adjusts what you want because you'd like to be together? What if guessing your desires without any experience turns out not to be very useful?

If you want to get over your SA then work through the right channels. If you are ready to date, with a view of what it potentially lead to, then that's fine.

I'm sorry to be an ass in this thread. But there is a huge, huge difference between holding certain opinions about yourself and life, and insisting to others that your world is -or must be - their world too. And the core of SA treatment is, after all, learning that your certain opinions are probably untrue.

 

[Kiwong]

message to self- I will refrain from posting in relationship threads.

 

[IGotSeoul]

I've chosen not to date.

I'm uncertain as to whether or not my anxiety has contributed to my general distaste for romantic abstractions. I just don't care for it for the time being.

 

[Remus]

Logic and romance? A dangerous path

 

[Mickery]

message to self- I will refrain from posting in relationship threads.

Hm. Can we remind each other?

 

[IGotSeoul]

Logic and romance? A dangerous path

My thoughts exactly.

 

[Newtype]

And I don't agree with everyone who thinks they shouldn't date because "they don't like themselves" and are waiting for their SA to get better. Dating doesn't mean jumping into a relationship. It means going out with women you're interested in. I've dated a lot of women but never been in a relationship.

By avoiding dating you're just playing into your SA by avoiding IMO.

It's not because I have SA that I necessarily hate myself. The truth is, even if I never talk about it, I have fallen in love with a girl before. A very, very beautiful girl. She was in love with me as well. Eventually, my SA caused the relationship to fall apart and she ended up leaving me to be with another guy. I couldn't be there for her and she couldn't handle it anymore. I don't blame her, she was right.

 

[SM1010]

Dating is putting yourself in a very precarious position. It would be like saying that you want to cooke, but have no intention of eating, the entire rational has to be questionned. Some people do not have SA severe enough that it will prohibit them from doing these things, but as we see, for a great many sufferers, it gets complicated and they end up losing control of the situation and get hurt in the process. If it is your intention to meet people, then why not simply do that with friends, or new people? Dating is putting yourself out there for a relationship. Using it to fill your own need to 'meet' women is actually quite selfish and simply wasting their time. I don't agree with that at all. If you want to get over your SA then work through the right channels. If you are ready to date, with a view of what it potentially lead to, then that's fine.

I don't go into dating with a closed mind about a relationship. I'm open to a relationship with the right person, it just hasn't happened. I'm quite certain women see it the same way. I fail to see how my dating women is a selfish act...

Saying you want to wait just seems like another avoidance tactic because it may be scary and uncomfortable. I have SA, I know how it works. We make excuses to avoid things that scare us.

For anyone who has moderate SA when it comes to meeting women, avoiding it in hopes your SA will disappear is the wrong thing to do. When has avoiding something stressful ever cured SA? If anything is just makes it worse.

 

[*Amy*]

Well, I didn't choose that specifically, but I guess it's not a bad decision to make. You're so much more prepared to commit in a relationship when you don't have SA than when you do. But I also think that having a partner may help someone with SA to progressively overcome his/her problem, so... well, I suppose there is not an only appropriate decision for everyone.