How are you feeling?

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
Other than it's the weekend and I have the usual "lay low until the occupation is over" feeling, things are fine. I didn't stock-up on groceries well though, so at some point today I have to run the gauntlet.
 

S_Spartan

Well-known member
I am very umm, sad!?
I have a friend. She is my friend since college( for nearly 5 years). I don't understand her. Last year we finished with masters degree. She got a job. I enrolled in another course. She lives near me.
Last year was very very bad for me. I was on the lowest level of my existence. I tried to die but I never had that much courage to end it. It was painful. It was painful when the breath stopped and I need more air to survive, I couldn't end it.
Somehow I managed to drag myself. I was so sad that there was no way that I thought I could live. But I somehow dragged on my life.
She was no where then. I called her, visited her home. But she was so busy to meet me. Before my breakdown, I had my 26th birthday. She did not called me. Then whenever I tried meeting her , she was always busy somewhere. So I had no friend at that time who could help me.

Now it is few months , since the beginning of this year when I have been feeling better. The circumstances have not changed but I have stopped thinking about it.

She contacted me recently. Once in a while we had a quick talk over phone but recently I have more visits from her. She needed something or the other. What I feel is that she remembers me when she needs something.

So that makes me feel , Is she a friend?
What kind of a friend is that who doesn't show up when you most need that person!
I always ignore this, by thinking that she has a job, or she is busy at home etc. But I do feel deep down hurt.
I don't have friends. Two/three friends live far way so no frequent communication. This one lives close but I don't understand her behaviour.

May be I am too naive. I can't judge people. May be I am too self centred that I care about myself. Who knows.
I don't know what to think about her!

I usually assume that people are awful. I am rarely wrong. :-|

I have one like this. He came back into my life after twenty years. Wanted to go to dinner, invited me to his house, tried to give me things. Then he needed a big favor. So I helped him out. Then months went by and he wanted to go to dinner again and during dinner he started a sales pitch about something else he wanted me to do for him. I said "no" to this one.

And that was it. Haven't seen him since. He is very nice on the outside but I think he is a sociopath.
 
Joule, Good Luck with the new thing you are about to do. I will like to see your sketches when you will post them. I must be liberating to feel free. I don't know what's between you and your ex, but if you feel free then it is worth it. And yeah, I procrastinate a lot. It isn't good when exams are near. You can do a thing like check out spw at one fixed time , say at morning and then once before you go to bed. Make sure you don't visit multiple time. This way you can spend less time on spw.
And get more time for study.

Thank you :) and that is good advice I should definitely restrict my spw time, I have no attention span studying.A couple half finished sketches are up on the art thread. Its something new to do I suppose and I need that now to fill my time after exams.

I read your post about your bad experience and your friend. It sounds really dreadful, I feel so sad that you've been alone dealing with this and your friend sounds selfish. I'm truly sorry you've had this experience :sad: You must put yourself first now and be kind to yourself, be your own friend. You have been a good reliable friend to her and now you need to be a good reliable friend to yourself. What advice would you give yourself? If only the people on spw could appear in person when someone needs a friend.
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
I had a bad dream today about some sexual predator preying on small kids. I got so creeped out and woke up.

Today, I didn't realize there was an area contest for my local club. I was going to attend but it's now too late. If I go now, I'm going to arrive late. And, I learnt that tardiness is unprofessional at TM, almost cost me my membership, so I'm not gonna even bother to go and show up late. It is a good networking opportunity, but too bad I missed it. It's funny how I check my volunteer email account at least 3-4 times a day, but neglected my personal accounts. I
 

Kiwong

Well-known member
I feel pretty good. I ran in a cross country this morning, and enjoyed it. My anxiety was not too bad, and I was able to interact with other runners. There are good people there, that say hello and are friendly, they accept me for who I am, a runner and person.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
What's the matter?

Am depressed. The fact am occassionally reminded that ma cerebral palsy's gittin' worse doesnae exactly help that. But naebuddy want tae actually hear that. Or see things fae ma perspective coz am always telt that am wrong. And, y'know, other factors like overhearin' ma sister's talk aboot me sayin' there's summit wrong wi' me coz ah dinnae really interact socially. Or talk much. Social anxiety, much? Duh!

They also dinnae seem tae git that it could be doon tae the fact that, whenever ah do open ma mooth, ah either say they didnae want tae hear - even though, am jist sayin' how ah actually feelin' a lot uh the time - or say summit hysterically, be it unintentionally, funny. But then am jist a laughin' stock, really - being mocked, talked doon tae n' constantly not taken seriously. But am use tae it - or, mair tae the point, numb to it.

Ever feel like yer no' actually meant tae be here? Ah dae.

Sorry, jist ventin'. :alone:
 

Lavinialuna

Well-known member
Am depressed. The fact am occassionally reminded that ma cerebral palsy's gittin' worse doesnae exactly help that. But naebuddy want tae actually hear that. Or see things fae ma perspective coz am always telt that am wrong. And, y'know, other factors like overhearin' ma sister's talk aboot me sayin' there's summit wrong wi' me coz ah dinnae really interact socially. Or talk much. Social anxiety, much? Duh!

They also dinnae seem tae git that it could be doon tae the fact that, whenever ah do open ma mooth, ah either say they didnae want tae hear - even though, am jist sayin' how ah actually feelin' a lot uh the time - or say summit hysterically, be it unintentionally, funny. But then am jist a laughin' stock, really - being mocked, talked doon tae n' constantly not taken seriously. But am use tae it - or, mair tae the point, numb to it.

Ever feel like yer no' actually meant tae be here? Ah dae.



Sorry, jist ventin'. :alone:

Sorry you are having a bad day. You are meant to be there though, we all have our place in the world!

I am not familiar with the prognosis of CP, I would assume each person is different? Will one typically lose strength with age?
Sounds to me that what they are thinking is odd may have more to do with your anxiety than your CP. Wish they would be more sensitive to your feelings.

People think I am a funny one too, and I do joke around all the time. I am pretty sure it is just me trying to keep things light to reduce stress. If you can keep them laughing, then there won't be room for tension, know what I mean? But it does get so that people don't want to take you seriously after that. I feel ya.

Hope your spirits are up by the time you read this.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Sorry you are having a bad day. You are meant to be there though, we all have our place in the world!

Aye, well, ah still dinnae feel ah've found ma place. Am still jist fumblin' like Scotsman efter a night oot (totally shite-faced drunk, vomitin' intae the next door neighbour's gairden)

I am not familiar with the prognosis of CP, I would assume each person is different? Will one typically lose strength with age?

Well, it's different dependin' the type uh cerebral palsy. Ah've got spastic cerbral palsy - which usually associated wi' muscle tightness and spasms. I'd assume lose uh strength is typically with age. Though, orthopedic surgery would help ma walkin', it wouldnae "cure" the condition as such.

Sounds to me that what they are thinking is odd may have more to do with your anxiety than your CP.

Ye think so? Ah cannae tell tae be honest. But then ma older sibling always treat me like am an eejit. Talkin' doon tae me, laughin' at everythin' ah say.

Wish they would be more sensitive to your feelings.

Oh, dinnae git me started wi' that. Ill-judged, bad jokes, cruel insults. Ah've heard the lot. But then, being the youngest sibling has always been shite and hellish. Ah tell ye summit, if ma family were mair sensitive tae ma feelin's - ah would mair inclined tae actually talk tae them. As opposed tae avoidin' them like.... Morrissey does KFC*. Nae fans uh The Smiths here? Me neither. Only jokin'.

*[Ah know, that wuz a really shite joke but if ah went fur the reference ah want tae gan fur, you'd aw huv went: "Oh, that a bit harsh..." Then thing would've just gotten akward, won't they?]

People think I am a funny one too, and I do joke around all the time. I am pretty sure it is just me trying to keep things light to reduce stress. If you can keep them laughing, then there won't be room for tension, know what I mean? But it does get so that people don't want to take you seriously after that. I feel ya.

Aye, ah do that fae time tae time. Though, am no' sure why? Ah think ah git that from ma mum, y'know. Better tae be laughin' than cryin'. Though, ah've noticed ah don't do it as much. Well, no' since earlier this year when ah hud tae actually explain tae ma oldest sister how constantly repeatin' the same joke at ma expense stops bein' funny efter a while. Mind you, she didnae understand why that's the case.

Constantly bein' as apparently funny as ah um - ah know, am arrogant _ _ _ t! :bigsmile: It's does make it difficult tae talk aboot ma depression & anxiety. Especially when this type uh conversation happens tae me regularly wi' ma family:

"How ye feelin' the day?"
Me (deadpan tone uh voice) : "Depressed"
"Pfft...!! :giggle: How, whit's wrong?"

Me (internally): :eek:mg: :kickingmyself:

Also, doesnae help that the phrase "Ye jist need a bit mair confidence" is repeated tae me so constantly. Ah think: "Really? And d'ye git that? Huv they got it in Tesco?"

Like confidence is summit ah've got, which ah do. Jist no' a lot - as ye can no doubt tell. As if ye can git confidence as easily as ye can git various illegal drugs. Which is easy as f _ _ k in Scotland - the drugs ah mean, no' the confidence.

Hope your spirits are up by the time you read this.

Kinda, but still feelin' a bit peely-wally. Ah huv watch a couple uh episodes uh ma favourite sitcom since ah last post in this thread.
 

Lavinialuna

Well-known member
Oh, dinnae git me started wi' that. Ill-judged, bad jokes, cruel insults. Ah've heard the lot. But then, being the youngest sibling has always been shite and hellish. Ah tell ye summit, if ma family were mair sensitive tae ma feelin's - ah would mair inclined tae actually talk tae them. As opposed tae avoidin' them like.... Morrissey does KFC*. Nae fans uh The Smiths here? Me neither. Only jokin'.

Oh, now that is just too weird! I was listening to the Smiths when I read your post :applause: I was a huge Smiths fan in high school but seldom take them out for a listen anymore.. coincidentally I just posted a song in the music thread and was listening to it (as I was feeling a bit sorry for myself!)

My nephew had CP but he had a very serious case. Poor little guy died at 7 from an unrelated apnea so I never got to see how it would effect him as he aged. So many different degrees of severity with CP.
On one hand, they shouldn't be poking fun at you. On the other, it must be almost a relief that they treat you like any siblings treat each other (mine torture me as well.)
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Oh, now that is just too weird! I was listening to the Smiths when I read your post :applause: I was a huge Smiths fan in high school but seldom take them out for a listen anymore.. coincidentally I just posted a song in the music thread and was listening to it (as I was feeling a bit sorry for myself!)

Yer kiddin'...?

My nephew had CP but he had a very serious case. Poor little guy died at 7 from an unrelated apnea so I never got to see how it would effect him as he aged. So many different degrees of severity with CP.

Sorry tae hear that. :sad:

On one hand, they shouldn't be poking fun at you. On the other, it must be almost a relief that they treat you like any siblings treat each other (mine torture me as well.)

Aye, but ma older sisters dinnae seem tae realise when enough's enough wi' a joke insults. Torture? Aye, but ye dinnae make me feel like shite. That's no' the purpose or intention of a humour.

Also, ah couldnae be bother comin' up wi' an equally cruel putdown, especially since maist uh the insults were quite personalised and racist (and no' in a knowingly ironic way). So daein' it back fae me would gan too far. Since ah actually know how tae tell a funny joke. Well, ah think ah dae.

Y'know jokes n' humour's a bit like the Euro - it decreases wi' value the more ye use it. Oooh! Daein' satirical comedy noo, ya clever cu....

Right, am offski.
 

springk

Well-known member
I probably would count her as an acquaintance, but I am very choosy about who I make my friends. If she wasn't there for you in your time of need, she isn't a friend. She is probably self centered and out for her own good. You can't really fault her on that, maybe she isn't deep enough to feel empathy. It might not be a part of her make up, know what I mean? But if you are seeking true deep and lasting friendship, I would look elsewhere. Don't rest a lot of your emotions on her. She could make a good companion, but don't count on her to be there for you.
I have had to do this with my mother. She is the same way. I had to redefine our friendship in my head and realize that the kind of relationship I imagined we had didn't exist, and then I had to realize the relationship we DID have was much more shallow. It clicked and it has saved my feelings in a lot of circumstances.

Yes, I shouldn't rest a lot of emotions on her. To be honest, she is the only one near me whom I counted as friend but now I dunno if I shall call her that.
 

springk

Well-known member
I usually assume that people are awful. I am rarely wrong. :-|

I have one like this. He came back into my life after twenty years. Wanted to go to dinner, invited me to his house, tried to give me things. Then he needed a big favor. So I helped him out. Then months went by and he wanted to go to dinner again and during dinner he started a sales pitch about something else he wanted me to do for him. I said "no" to this one.

And that was it. Haven't seen him since. He is very nice on the outside but I think he is a sociopath.

Thai is a bad experience. You said "no" that is a good thing. I probably should start saying "no", being nice is good up to a limit.
 

springk

Well-known member
Thank you :) and that is good advice I should definitely restrict my spw time, I have no attention span studying.A couple half finished sketches are up on the art thread. Its something new to do I suppose and I need that now to fill my time after exams.

I read your post about your bad experience and your friend. It sounds really dreadful, I feel so sad that you've been alone dealing with this and your friend sounds selfish. I'm truly sorry you've had this experience :sad: You must put yourself first now and be kind to yourself, be your own friend. You have been a good reliable friend to her and now you need to be a good reliable friend to yourself. What advice would you give yourself? If only the people on spw could appear in person when someone needs a friend.

I need to follow my own advice :blushing:
I have seen your sketches. They are good. You are just starting it and you are really good at it. It will be a great thing to do,spending your time doing creative work. I don't want to be hard on her, but behaviour has really upset me. You are right, I need to be there for myself. Yeah, if only that was possible:)
 
Imagine you had an ars.ehole friend who said unhelpful things to you. You probably wouldn't want to hang out with them . Then imagine this crazy scientist came along (who is really really giant because I can't resize images :giggle:)

Mad_scientist_transparent_background.svg


And the crazy scientist says 'ok we are doing a really important experiment to try and solve the worlds fuel crisis. But for the experiment I need to handcuff you to your ars.ehole friend for 7 days.' You'd probably think :thinking: 'I don't know how that's going to help you....but ok' So then your stuck to this ars.ehole. Every minute of the day they are there, saying unhelpful things. When you're anxious they shout at you, they're an absolute arse.hole! God they make life miserable. By day 6 its pretty unbearable. By day 7 you are so unhappy and feel like crap.



Then on day 7 you go to the mad scientist and cry 'take the handcuffs off!' he says ' wait! It's not over yet.I need to extend this experiment for 7 more days' :crying: And he assures you that your co operation is essential for the survival of the human race. So you cry but you agree. He takes your other hand and handcuffs you to another person. (Really awkward to get through doorways now) Just as you leave the lab the ars.ehole friend turns at you and glares with hate and shouts ' YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO, YOU'RE SO WEAK AND PATHETIC, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING!' And you feel awful and you think he's right but then the new person on your other side says' eh, actually you very strong, you've been stuck to the absolute ar.seholeand you're still standing!' And you smile for the first time in a week. For the next 7 days, every time the ar.sehole says something horrible to you, this new person says something kind and defends you. You like the new person. All week the new person is there for you, every time you need reassurance, they are there. Their influence on you is calming and reassuring. You've never had such a good friend! They put all of your needs first and they talk kindly to you and tell you things like; you look good in blue and that presentation in work you did was great! They point out that two of the managers nodded throughout. All the time the arse.hole is there sneering and being unhelpful and generally making you second guess and doubt every thing you do.


Then at the end of the 14 days the scientist tells you 'For some reason that I can't tell you but makes absolute perfect sense, we need to keep you handcuffed to one of these people' But you can choose which person to stay handcuffed to. You have to choose, you can stay stuck to the ars.ehole or you can stay stuck to your new friend. Before you make this decision I need to ask you a few questions about the experiment:

1) Which one was more helpul getting you out of the house on monday when you got that big spot right on the end of your nose?
2) Which one was more supportive when your jeans split on the bus last week?
3) Which one did you feel was more helpful at that job interview on wednesday?
4) I see you had a bad day in work on thursday and you hid in the toilet and cried.Who sat down beside you on the toilet floor and held you.

ok so for the rest of your life who do you want to be handcuffed to? The person who has become your best friend and confident or the arsehole who doubts you and puts you down?
 
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Yup. And I see life the same way (without the crazy scientist) nobody asks you 'who do you pick to have in your life?' but the choice is there to be a friend to yourself or be an enemy to yourself. Most people keep their worst enemy with them 24/7. It doesn't help them. If they were their own best friend, a constant supply of support and comfort and strength....endless possibilities :)


On a separate note I start exams today and I am very very very anxious and actually sick from not enough sleep the past week. However my inner friend will hold my hand and be there for me all day and I will get through this horrible horrible day and I will be fine. (Theres a good chance Im gonna puke all over the exam hall ahahaha)
 
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