wrong or right

[Emily_G]

My parent's used the "I don't have any money" excuse all the time. Esp when we wanted 50 cents for one of those stupid toys in the machine. It really doesn't matter what excuse she gave, IMO, she said no.

 

[redski]

My parent's used the "I don't have any money" excuse all the time. Esp when we wanted 50 cents for one of those stupid toys in the machine. It really doesn't matter what excuse she gave, IMO, she said no.

This reminds me of my old man.
redski: "Daddy can I have this sweetie"
daddski: "NO!"
On the way back home from the mall
daddski: "I'm hungry let's grab a bite to eat"
redski: "But daddy you said no candy for 1 dollar and now we ate for 40 dollars"
daddski: "Be quiet and listen to your father!"

My point being that parents can be conceded.

 

[Emily_G]

I also have a thing against too many sweets, that may contribute to it as well. If my kid asked for an apple to eat in the car, I probably would get one for him.

 

[Iseesky]

If the mother told the girl that she didn't need the candy...Or even just simply told her no, then I would say you were wrong in giving her the candy yourself.

But, the mom lied to her daughter and told her that she couldn't afford it. What's that teaching the daughter? That lying is okay? It's basically like giving the 'because I said so' excuse that some parents give. You simply thought the mother couldn't afford it and did a nice thing by giving the girl the candy.

 

[Silvox Black]

Well this issue is a difficult one, there has been much debate in the mental community about situations such as this. There is the side that such actions will give the child false hope in thinking others will help her when, due to her poor financial situation, no one will be able to besides herself. Also, your intervention into a family situation was somewhat uncalled for, though your intentions were pure. To be honest, I do not know what is right or wrong, I despise false hope yet I understand that compassion is something humans have. I myself have no answer and if I was not so tired, I would be able to articulate a better answer than this. Perhaps I shall return to this later.

 

[Elenwen]

I think that since the mother said she couldn't afford it, that it was a sweet thing to do. If she had been trying to teach her child a lesson or the child was throwing a tantrum, then buying them would have been wrong, but since it was because she said she couldn't afford it, no big deal. Once a woman passed us and gave our daughter the Happy Meal toy from her bag because her kid already had that one and we couldn't afford a Happy Meal that day, we were just getting off the Dollar Menu, and it made Kenzzie's day, it was awesome.

A lot of parents are hypersensitive about stuff like that though.

 

[hoddesdon]

Your heart was in the right place, but there is the "stranger danger" issue. If the child associates strangers with presents, then that could be dangerous.

 

[mrb]

YouTube - U Can't Touch This - MC Hammer whooo gary is winning this war

 

[Remus]

I was a single parent for many year and am now a parent again, I agree with serafina 101% and I might add, I'd freak if some random stranger interfered with my authority over my children. You overstepped the line and you are a parent mrb, you should know that.

You'd have me throwing the sweets back at you!

Besides, sweets are bad for children, how do you know she had not had some earlier and was just greedy.

How exactly you could know better for the child in 5 minutes than the mother's 5 years is beyond me.

go ask on mums.net the same question

As for redski, don't talk rot, If mods banned peope for disagreeing we'd have no members ::

 

[redski]

...
As for redski, don't talk rot, If mods banned peope for disagreeing we'd have no members ::

Forgive me master.

This is a hot topic and as I do not have kids I will shut my mouth.
Interesting though for a guy with no kids. I guess I could learn things.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Awesomeness.

 

[Lea]

Sure, she could have handled it better but who makes us judge or jury? People are really quick to judge and say she should have done this and she should have done that. You see, you don't know what the mother said or did after he left. You don't know what she may have said when they left the store.

For all you know, she's not authoritarian at all! I've noticed that people are very quick to assume that if you deny your child a toy or candy, that you're mean or too strict, abusive or unloving. Well, you need to see people the way they are at home or the majority of the time. Until you've seen that, then you can't judge or assume you know what's really going on.

Regardless of what she did, people don't become perfect as soon as they become parents. One thing I've found out as a parent is that everyone wants to assume what you do and what you don't do with your kid. Like the complete stranger who assumed that my child is going to grow up into an angry person just because I refused her offer to purchase my child a little trinket. Of course, my permission was not asked as though my three year old is old enough to make certain decisions (rational decisions), like accepting things from strangers.

Not to mention, this woman approached my child when I was standing at a distance of a few feet away! The woman had the nerve to tell me that my child will become angry because I never buy her anything! So it's easy for people to assume one thing or another when they don't really know what's really going on. She even tried giving me some lessons in parenting in front of my child. She basically said, in a ver patronizing way, the same thing you said "You need to try and explain things to your child". Then the woman proceeds to tell my child that sometimes adults are mean and that they don't understand kids! It took a lot of restraint for me not to raise my voice, but I gave the woman a piece of my mind.

Well, I think Hellhound wasn't speaking about you and your particular situation. She was speaking about mrb's situation which was slightly, but decisively different. As for your situation, it would have angried me as well. I know what it is if you take the effort to discipline the child and now some smart ass who knows nothing comes and starts playing a saint telling you that you're being a bad mother and a poor child.. They should mind their own children or shut up...

But mrb didn't behave this way, he merely bought the child a pack of sweets, because the mother said she couldn't afford it. Not a big deal, it wasn't meant to undermine the parent's authority, he meant well and the mother should understand it. There is a thin line between when to be "military" and when not. In this case I think the best would be for the mother to use the situation and teach the child to be grateful and say thank you. After all, things like this don't happen every day.

 

[BDDgirl]

Asking wrong or right on a mental health forum where the majority of people do not have children, hardly a place to get sound advice or maybe a justification.

Someone mentioned authoritarian parenting but isn't it equally authoritarian as a complete stranger to decide the childs "treat" against the parents wishes.

 

[Hellhound]

Sure, she could have handled it better but who makes us judge or jury? People are really quick to judge and say she should have done this and she should have done that. You see, you don't know what the mother said or did after he left. You don't know what she may have said when they left the store.

For all you know, she's not authoritarian at all! I've noticed that people are very quick to assume that if you deny your child a toy or candy, that you're mean or too strict, abusive or unloving. Well, you need to see people the way they are at home or the majority of the time. Until you've seen that, then you can't judge or assume you know what's really going on.

Oh, but I didn't say she was authoritarian for denying the kid a candy... I said she was acting like such a thing because of her attitude. Saying no all the time and not saying why, or just using the "i can't afford it" excuse. And even when mrb was nice and gave the child a bag of candy, she kept saying no all the time. The kid was nice too by saying "thank you", and the mother didn't keep that in mind, she expected her to return the candy instead. If i were the 5 year old, i would ask my mother "why?" and i would expect an answer, a good answer and not a lie or an excuse.
I really don't like to assume and judge... it's just, i can't help but feeling for the child in that moment, I imagine how she must be feeling for being told no and don't receive an answer, a proper one. Meh... i don't know, i think i'm being too whiny.

Regardless of what she did, people don't become perfect as soon as they become parents. One thing I've found out as a parent is that everyone wants to assume what you do and what you don't do with your kid. Like the complete stranger who assumed that my child is going to grow up into an angry person just because I refused her offer to purchase my child a little trinket. Of course, my permission was not asked as though my three year old is old enough to make certain decisions (rational decisions), like accepting things from strangers.

Not to mention, this woman approached my child when I was standing at a distance of a few feet away! The woman had the nerve to tell me that my child will become angry because I never buy her anything! So it's easy for people to assume one thing or another when they don't really know what's really going on. She even tried giving me some lessons in parenting in front of my child. She basically said, in a ver patronizing way, the same thing you said "You need to try and explain things to your child". Then the woman proceeds to tell my child that sometimes adults are mean and that they don't understand kids! It took a lot of restraint for me not to raise my voice, but I gave the woman a piece of my mind.

Well, that's a different story... that person was trying to be nice to your child, but at the same time was rude of her to assume like that. Mrb did nothing of that, he was just being nice and the mother countered his good actions with negativity... or at least is how i interpret it.

 

[mrb]

iv never seen so many mods post on 1 question b4 , hey is that a record , has gazza broken a spw record ...... does this mean im like spw famous now .....

 

[Danfalc]

iv never seen so many mods post on 1 question b4 , hey is that a record , has gazza broken a spw record ...... does this mean im like spw famous now .....

I may aswell put my 2 pence in and add to the list ::

I think it was a really thoughtfull gesture and you have no reason to feel bad for doing it,after all you thought the lady couldnt afford them and so you baught them.

But I think the parents decision always has to be respected.Alot of people on here have said that the parent was in the wrong for telling the child she couldnt afford them.Well kids can be very demanding sometimes,often "no" isnt good enough for a kid who wants somthing,so sometimes parents have to tell white lies.

Me and my mate were playing on the ps3 the other day,his little girl sat in his lap and said "Can I watch tv now",my mate said after we finish this game,His little girl said "If you loved me,you would do it now" Both our jaws dropped haha..And he turned over,but yeah my point being kids can be persistant,so I can understand why this lady said what she did to try and get no to mean no.

Mrb you didnt know this so I dont think you should feel bad,but crossing that parent/child line is a risky think,I think if you walk away from this thinking I tried to do the right thing,but maybe next time its best if I ask the parents permission first.

 

[mrb]

well well well ...... all 4 mods answered this question now that has got me feeling pretty good :: sefrina got well carried away didnt she , iv never seen so much writing by one person ,, yea yea whos the man whos the daddy , who unites the mods ..... damn in another life i was probably a comander in some massive army ...... hmmmm ok maybe not lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

[Luke1993]

Seeing as she said "i can't afford it" you did the right thing I feel. If she hadn't said that you would've been in the wrong in my opinion.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

You can't walk around weighing all of the different "what ifs" all the time.

Your heart was in the right place and you know that. As far as I'm concerned that's all you have to be concerned with.

I guarantee you you've given the situation far more thought than that woman has.

 

[redski]

I might add and here I am breaking what I wrote in my last post

I asked two friends of mine that are many years older that have kids
if they think what the OP did was wrong or right.
To my surprise they thought it was wrong but they said as most here
that this is how they see it from a "parents point of view".
It all came down to authority.

When he told me and explained why, I thought to myself,
what about that saying "you shouldn't take candy from strangers."

I am sorry if I offend anyone with kids but isn't this still all in the end
about parenting.

PS: Someone gave me negative reputation about my views
in this matter on a previous thread.