why do girls play hard to get?

[Pookah]

No Dottie, I just didn't want to speak for all women. I know I don't represent the entire sex, just some.

Yes I do recognize the biological aspects. I just hope that we can rank things like higher emotions and humanity's insatiable curiosity as things that mark us as sometimes rising above the day to day biological imperatives.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i'm not sure what's going on, heh... but pookah you're definitely nowhere near alone in your thinking. and i don't think all guys are the same and just want sex or whatever, but i do understand where sex is a completely different thing to men and women, and men do tend to express themselves more physically.... anyway, i just think sex should be viewed as a lot more intimate, private, emotional and important than it is today.. people just fukk for the fukk of it and it gets annoying, whatever... i don't know why i'm posting this, i wasn't even in on the coversation, sorry! lol

 

[coyote]

not to worry, the mods will probably delete all the good stuff when they wake up

 

[EasySkanking]

not to worry, the mods will probably delete all the good stuff when they wake up

Way to give them ideas... I am actually enjoying reading all of this... I really hope that they don't!

 

[Pookah]

I think this does relate to the thread. Women may play "hard to get" because they are afraid that all they are, is for sex. Like they don't even require a brain. It is almost like a one sided relationship.

To weed out the guys who want to use us and then to find out if the others will be compatible. I think this must be more easily understood after such revelations, right? Many of us don't desire sex before we are more sure of the man's regard for us as human beings. Sex is a gamble. It is unlikely to reveal this regard it is more likely to reveal the opposite. So being careful protects us.

 

[coyote]

I think this does relate to the thread. Women may play "hard to get" because they are afraid that all they are, is for sex. Like they don't even require a brain. It is almost like a one sided relationship.

To weed out the guys who want to use us and then to find out if the others will be compatible. I think this must be more easily understood after such revelations, right? Many of us don't desire sex before we are more sure of the man's regard for us as human beings. Sex is a gamble. It is unlikely to reveal this regard it is more likely to reveal the opposite. So being careful protects us.

I understand this, and I respect this.

but the question remains....

HOW DO WE KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE PLAYING "HARD TO GET" - BUT REALLY DO WANT US TO KEEP PURSUING YOU, OR IF YOU ARE GENUINELY NOT INTERESTED?

 

[Pookah]

Hehe....we'll tell you if you tell us I guess? It just illustrates why it is done and that you have a form of unfathomable behavior too that women don't get either.

 

[coyote]

I'm going to get my explosives.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

HOW DO WE KNOW WHETHER YOU ARE PLAYING "HARD TO GET" - BUT REALLY DO WANT US TO KEEP PURSUING YOU, OR IF YOU ARE GENUINELY NOT INTERESTED?

i think i tend to make it pretty obvious... if i'm not interested in you, you won't be able to talk to me or reach me in any way, shape or form, haha.. like i said earlier, i don't really get into any serious 'hard to get' games... i'm never one to be super dramatic or do stupid sh!t and still expect you to come after me.. what's really lame, is when guys try to do some kind of hard to get thing with me.. when they think it's "cute" to act like a jerk or something.. i had that happen recently and told the dude real quick that i don't dig the 'assh0le' thing and i could be talking to another guy who would treat me nicer, he didn't straighten up for too long, so i quit texting him and answering the phone and that's pretty much donezo lmao...

 

[agoraphobickatie]

and coyote, what's with your theme of the day being explosives today? i'm seeing lots of 'explosive' remarks from you and other spw'ers on the forums tonight! haha! should i be worried?!?!

 

[coyote]

Not to worry 'katie - Sial Axetder found his wire cutters.

 

[Remus]

All we want is sex - the "long haul" is just so that we can have sex for a long time without having to expend the energy to go look for it again.

there - the secret is out

Speak for yourself, I've never felt that way

 

[Kiwong]

Well, I'm finding it a bit hard to deal with lately. I've been training for half marathons the last two years. I guess I have long legs, and they are starting to look toned.

Women seem to be looking at me more often and smiling. I just lift my eyebrow in surprise. I'm not sure if they know me, are similing because they are laughing at known local fruit loop, or I have undergone some transformation after 20 years of being unift and invisible, to suddenly being more appealing.
.
When I was in the supermarket after a long run, and was wearing my training gear, and I swear this woman, about the same age as me, was talking to her friend and said "I wouldn't mind that for breakfast." as she looked at me. It could be paranoia and she was looking at the packet of Rice Bubbles in the oppoiste aisle.

I find this hard because I have a body image of the unfit me of the last twenty years. I'm really not well enough to play those sort of games anyway, to know if after all this time there are women showing some interest, and playing less harder to get.

 

[Sorta]

Speak for yourself, I've never felt that way

definitely seconded

 

[lassokid]

Everyone's approach is different. Personally, if I like a girl, I don't do anything more than I would. If I usually have small talk with her, then I continue to do the same. If I usually don't, then I don't. I use the time to get a feel of what she is like, what her friends are like, etc. I also use this time to see if my feelings subside or remain the same.

Ideally, I would prefer to be friends with her. Friends that could depend on each other. I don't believe that people necessarily have to be boyfriends/girlfriends to know each other more deeply (although it probably would be more difficult given less time spending with each other).

Obviously my approach is not the most proactive and aggressive, but I prefer a more natural than calculated one. I think people are apt to play less "games" when they have known each other for a while.

As for sex being men's expression of love and intimacy, gosh I hope we do better than that. What separates humans from other species is our conscience. I hope we make good use of it.

I remember a classmate gal of mine wanted me to go to the mall and beach with her. It was all very innocent, although I expected her to be more guarded. Funny thing was that she was freaked out that another guy, who was interested in her, had been texting her. I was surprised that she was fine with me but was practically avoiding him!

The interesting thing was how "things-you-don't-experience everyday" can bring people closer together. As I was driving, some punk cut me off and almost got me into an accident. We were both relieved that only my tire hubcap was slightly scratched. Whereas we had both been talking casually, I felt that we were more open and comfortable talking with each other after that close encounter, as if we had just escaped fate's intervention.

So there you go. There are definitely many ways to intimacy other than sex, given my strange example. Sometimes going through things together brings us closer

 

[Feathers]

The end result is the same - we choose you over all the other ones out there.

If I were to forsake all others for you - in the end, does it matter why?

I think that explains the two divorces then (?)
If you don't know why you are with a woman, don't expect her to stick with you.

I also sense a bit of confusion here: have you guys read the book Five Languages of Love?

I think Coyote's and maybe Skankin's language/s primary 'love languages' might be touchy-feely-sex, there are 4 other 'love languages' and everyone has one or two that are most important to them.

1. words-compliments-good communication/absence of nagging and criticism
2. time spent together, subcategory: talking, conversation
3. deeds done for each other (eg washing the dishes big one with my folks!)
4. gifts (flowers, jewelry, cards - some folks are big on that, some aren't!)
5. touch - hugging - subcategory: sex
(in no particular order)

Most people find one or two of those most important. We may all like a mix of all now and then, or all the time in a sort of balance, still, some may be more or less important.. (And these things can maybe change a bit at times too, usually it's easy to tell with people you know well - what do they wish for or complain about most?)

In the beginning, often guys may try 'all arsenal' and girls may feel loved. Then, often they may stop doing some or many of the things. If they still happen to do the ones that make the girl feel loved, okay. If not - Huston we've got problems!!
If they just do the ones that they appreciate, it may not be enough for the other one to feel loved..

So 'the selection process' is not just about finding someone compatible in terms of morals and future goals in life, it's also to find someone who we can depend on to give us what is most important to us in relationship.

One night of steamin' hot sex or making out can be nice, but what happens is then you either want more, or you don't. And if both want the same, it's better than if one wants a house with a garden and the other wants nights out with other girls. People can also feel 'used' or degraded..

So, to answer, how to tell if a girl wants more or not.

1. initial interest/attraction > 2. flirting stage-getting to know you stage
>> it's basically about getting to know each other. If either of you finds deal-breakers, it's off.
As long as you guys still find each other interesting, the getting-to-know-you stage can continue.

Like Katie said, if we never answer your phone even if you call us or never agree to dates, it's probably a no go.
If we just don't call, we may be shy or just doing the selection process to see who's really interested.

Maybe you guys can post specific situations when it's hard to tell?

 

[Feathers]

Kiwong, go for it!!

I mean the half marathon, and getting toned - and if some nice ladies find you attractive, why not see where this could go - friendship or maybe later something more?

Some guys really do get way more attractive as they got older. (My dad and cousin are the same, and a few friends' husbands..)

Natural and eco/sportsy people can also become more 'in fashion' as the world becomes more aware of health benefits of this.
In our little village/small town, my parents were the first who started the walking trend (for health reasons), now many people walk or jog, some because their doctors told them so.. A man who is working on his health and keeping fit is very attractive for many women.

It may also be that they are getting to know you more, and feel more comfortable with you - and may have found the other guys who appeared 'better' before now got beer bellies and just want to sit on the couch all day! Women are often more health-aware then men, and there have even been divorces when one of the partners was not physically active enough!

I think the breakfast comment was perhaps a bit too risque, some girls can be like that, maybe you'd be better off with someone a bit more subdued. For those that seem nice, why not just say hi and start some small talk - and see what happens?

Women seem to be looking at me more often and smiling. I just lift my eyebrow in surprise. I'm not sure if they know me, are similing because they are laughing at known local fruit loop, or I have undergone some transformation after 20 years of being unift and invisible, to suddenly being more appealing.

 

[Feathers]

lassokid, I like your approach.

How has it worked out for you romantically so far?
At a certain point most girls do expect some sort of 'action' or just assume you're not interested in anything more than being friends or casual acquaintances.

Ideally, I would prefer to be friends with her. Friends that could depend on each other. I don't believe that people necessarily have to be boyfriends/girlfriends to know each other more deeply (although it probably would be more difficult given less time spending with each other).

Obviously my approach is not the most proactive and aggressive, but I prefer a more natural than calculated one. I think people are apt to play less "games" when they have known each other for a while.

I totally agree!!

I must warn that some men may 'play games' too, and do this aware (PUA/Casanova approach) or not aware (just by accident) - they may do things that can make a girl believe they're interested in more too, even if they want to be just friends (or friends with benefits). So it may be good to have some caution there too.. both for girls and guys, lol..
A girl can totally fall for a guy who was perhaps just being nice, so khm... Just use it wisely.. lol

As for sex being men's expression of love and intimacy, gosh I hope we do better than that. What separates humans from other species is our conscience. I hope we make good use of it.

There are definitely many ways to intimacy other than sex, given my strange example. Sometimes going through things together brings us closer

Totally agree again! Well written.

Most books on dating (and personal experience) say it's good to have emotional intimacy before physical intimacy.. And it's important to not rush things even there..

 

[coyote]

I never said that sex was the ONLY way we express love.

1. words-compliments-good communication/absence of nagging and criticism
2. time spent together, subcategory: talking, conversation
3. deeds done for each other (eg washing the dishes big one with my folks!)
4. gifts (flowers, jewelry, cards - some folks are big on that, some aren't!)
5. touch - hugging - subcategory: sex
(in no particular order)

These are all good - I totally agree.


But the only one that is unique and specific to a romantic relationship is sex.

We can spend time with our buddies, compliment our kids, give presents to our mom.

We can do all these things with you, too. But there's something else that's special between us - a physical bond.

Why is it so wrong to want that special bond?

 

[lassokid]

Thanks for the reply, Feathers! I did kind of ask a girl out several years ago, but have stayed put since then. I realized that I was jumping ahead of myself. I've never had a lot of exposure to girls, so instead of pursuing a relationship right away, I think making some female friends is a good place to get to know them, understand them, talk with them, without the expectations in a relationship.

One day, I will step out and go for it lol, but I have trouble trusting my own feelings. Maybe because I'm still young. Sometimes I' am instantly attracted to girls I have never met before. Maybe they are just cute, pretty, happy, but I' am constantly alarmed at myself for having such strong feelings when I don't even know them. In the end, I feel good about myself if I was polite or made them smile, but nothing more than that.

I end up doing nothing more because I fear that this feeling is merely transient and I really do not want to put myself out there based on appearance and conduct, not knowing their character.

Some will definitely disagree with me because they believe that one gets better with practice, but that's just me. I' am still learning something new everyday about myself and others. Maybe I need a few more years. Once I graduate from college, I plan on getting a job that requires me to be away from home for weeks at a time, so being in a relationship may not be in a girl's or my best interest. Hopefully in a few more years, these feelings won't overwhelm me and I will be more "attracted" to character than looks.