Pursuing a relationship with "normal" people
- Thread starter lakenda
- Start date
Hey lakenda, I'd suggest leaving any 'first step' to him - you can read a book like 'The Rules' it's very reassuring in that direction... It's better to let a guy make the 1st step - either he asks you out or he doesn't (and someone else who's even better for you does 
) - and it's easier in a way too..
As for depression, many people have had it and went on with their lives just fine.. see the thread 'Bloody Brilliant!' Some also get it later on, after they get married, or as 'baby blues' after any kids or such.. so chances are quite some guys will be faced with that when it comes to their partner... some know how to deal with these things better, some don't...
I think that until things get really serious between you two, you don't have to tell him anything - until he asks you out and you've gone on a few dates etc.
Even if you tell him and he 'accepts' it, if he doesn't have a family member or friend affected by this chances are he won't really understand... As you and he get to know each other better, he will see that part of you too.. (And if you really started going steady or such, or were just before that, you could maybe have him see the documentary about sa or read any articles etc? And then talk about it? I'm thinking to show it to my mum, maybe.. I just told her today about sa and she was, 'ha, don't think it's always been so easy for me to go places or do things either..' so for some people it may not be a 'big deal' at all!!)
And as you're already working on it (CBT, therapist etc), it's much better than someone who isn't working on it...!!
And on later dates (not the first few), or even before, in a group, you can eg ask general questions, 'Have you seen this movie?' (about someone with a mental health problem) and what they thought of it, or if you learnt in class about anyone with problems you could mention it, or any articles or statistics you've come across online etc. The numbers are quite big! (So they don't know it has anything to do with you, and you could sorta see their opinion a bit.)
On the other hand, some people can joke about such things too, especially if they don't know if one is personally affected, and might react differently to a direct statement.. If all you do is joke, then maybe not so great approach, if you talk about more 'serious' things too, something like this could maybe work (?) again, you probably know them better than we do, and can sort of see what kind of people they are... and what would be better... (direct or indirect approach)
You do have to trust someone to tell them, I never talked about this at uni directly, I heard from friends how their friends' mom had depression or such.. (so it may be easier to start talking about any more distant people maybe.. but make sure to maintain confidentiality where needed etc. And to talk to people who can keep a secret, if you don't want anything to be widely known..)
I knew I was depress-ish as a teenager, and then later a few times too, but as it was always a few years back I didn't think it had anything to do with who I was at the time and didn't think there was any reason to tell these guys either... (?)
The way it worked is the guy asked me out, to meet up/date, and then we dated/hung out.. I only told a guy 1st once and it didn't go so well, so I don't do that anymore.. (and probably never will) That guy was teasing me and touching and such too, so I thought (and some others too) that he was interested, but apparently he was 'just messin'. Not sure what's the case with your wonderboy, but be careful a bit. Some guys just like to tease and flirt with everyone... (Another girl thought he flirted with her too and turned out he just didn't have glasses on and gave a sort-of flirty look without them!)
So if you have any mutual friends you might ask a girl, 'Hey, what do you think of him?' or such? (And if she starts saying how he flirts with her all the time too or how she thinks he's been hitting on her, then...?) There's a lot of books on dating out there, most say that if he doesn't ask you out/call you etc he's 'just not that interested'... (?)
On the other hand, he might be really interested.. In that case, give it time, don't be too much around or too available too soon.. (?) Have an interesting life without him and don't obsess about him too much (if you can it can be a form of OCD to not have to think about your other problems, you know!!) The idea is to 'let him pursue you' (if he wants to)... As you are working on your life and becoming happier, chances are you'll attract guys more too..
Had a similar situation once, a guy in a group was cute and kinda interested, then we (as a group) went to the seaside together, and he wanted to sleep in our tent! (but of course I was too embrassed/shy and he had to sleep in another tent and then started dating those sisters lol, first one then another...) So, not sure - any group 'things' you can go to as a group - like parties/concerts/gigs or sports events or such?
Not sure if I should be saying these things in public - probably not LOL!
Also, another warning, some guys may need to drink a beer or a few to be 'brave' - as I've been very anti-alcohol I kinda didn't take'em seriously after drinking though (and certainly some guys don't really remember what may have happened 'under influence', others do), some people 'hooked up' anyway... (?)
Do get to know him and his values and plans in life etc to see if you're at all compatible.. (even if he's nice and all, he may have a different future in mind...) Also don't say 'he's perfect' cause it may get you more intimidated hehe (and most likely he isn't!) Just say to yourself he's interesting from what you know (there may be things you don't know about...) and that he's a 'maybe' guy (?) - you have to get to know each other first!!
(Some guys that looked nice and seemed nice turned out to be 'macho' or very oldfashioned in beliefs that a woman's place is in the kitchen etc, or anti things I find important, so things like that can teach one to wait with opinions!)
If he really likes you, he won't care or ask (or even want to know) about your other dates!! (Or if he asks, you can say something vague like, 'That's in the past' or such.)
If two people really 'click', the past is kinda unimportant... The important is the present and the future!
I don't think there's such a thing as 'being good at dating' - either you're compatible and have things to talk about and do, or you aren't! (Who'd want a partner that's too good at dating?? Someone like that would probably be quite promiscuous imo, no? Maybe to guys interested only in short-term it might make a difference, but if both are interested in long-term, for some it can even be a 'bonus'!) If you've ever seen the film Coyote Ugly - the girl there has some form of sa too, it seems - to some guys, it could even be 'sexy'! (?)
I do wish you a good story with either this one or someone better!!
) - and it's easier in a way too.. Well, to start with, if you can talk and joke with him, your sa doesn't seem to be that bad.. You also have a job and study, so you're quite ahead of quite some people here!!
As for depression, many people have had it and went on with their lives just fine.. see the thread 'Bloody Brilliant!' Some also get it later on, after they get married, or as 'baby blues' after any kids or such.. so chances are quite some guys will be faced with that when it comes to their partner... some know how to deal with these things better, some don't...
I think that until things get really serious between you two, you don't have to tell him anything - until he asks you out and you've gone on a few dates etc.
Even if you tell him and he 'accepts' it, if he doesn't have a family member or friend affected by this chances are he won't really understand... As you and he get to know each other better, he will see that part of you too.. (And if you really started going steady or such, or were just before that, you could maybe have him see the documentary about sa or read any articles etc? And then talk about it? I'm thinking to show it to my mum, maybe.. I just told her today about sa and she was, 'ha, don't think it's always been so easy for me to go places or do things either..' so for some people it may not be a 'big deal' at all!!)
And as you're already working on it (CBT, therapist etc), it's much better than someone who isn't working on it...!!
This is normal to start with.. Guys don't write all their problems on a piece of paper they carry around their neck either.. In time, you and he will get to know each other better...
And on later dates (not the first few), or even before, in a group, you can eg ask general questions, 'Have you seen this movie?' (about someone with a mental health problem) and what they thought of it, or if you learnt in class about anyone with problems you could mention it, or any articles or statistics you've come across online etc. The numbers are quite big! (So they don't know it has anything to do with you, and you could sorta see their opinion a bit.)
On the other hand, some people can joke about such things too, especially if they don't know if one is personally affected, and might react differently to a direct statement.. If all you do is joke, then maybe not so great approach, if you talk about more 'serious' things too, something like this could maybe work (?) again, you probably know them better than we do, and can sort of see what kind of people they are... and what would be better... (direct or indirect approach)
You do have to trust someone to tell them, I never talked about this at uni directly, I heard from friends how their friends' mom had depression or such.. (so it may be easier to start talking about any more distant people maybe.. but make sure to maintain confidentiality where needed etc. And to talk to people who can keep a secret, if you don't want anything to be widely known..)
I THINK I was (not sure lol), sometimes it's difficult to tell anyway... I was quite more upbeat and positive then anyway, and didn't even know about the term 'sa' or such..
I knew I was depress-ish as a teenager, and then later a few times too, but as it was always a few years back I didn't think it had anything to do with who I was at the time and didn't think there was any reason to tell these guys either... (?)
I didn't say anything hehe.. As I didn't know about it myself, and was in one of the 'braver' periods of my life
The way it worked is the guy asked me out, to meet up/date, and then we dated/hung out.. I only told a guy 1st once and it didn't go so well, so I don't do that anymore..
(and probably never will) That guy was teasing me and touching and such too, so I thought (and some others too) that he was interested, but apparently he was 'just messin'. Not sure what's the case with your wonderboy, but be careful a bit. Some guys just like to tease and flirt with everyone... (Another girl thought he flirted with her too and turned out he just didn't have glasses on and gave a sort-of flirty look without them!)So if you have any mutual friends you might ask a girl, 'Hey, what do you think of him?' or such? (And if she starts saying how he flirts with her all the time too or how she thinks he's been hitting on her, then...?) There's a lot of books on dating out there, most say that if he doesn't ask you out/call you etc he's 'just not that interested'... (?)
On the other hand, he might be really interested.. In that case, give it time, don't be too much around or too available too soon.. (?) Have an interesting life without him and don't obsess about him too much (if you can
it can be a form of OCD to not have to think about your other problems, you know!!) The idea is to 'let him pursue you' (if he wants to)... As you are working on your life and becoming happier, chances are you'll attract guys more too..Had a similar situation once, a guy in a group was cute and kinda interested, then we (as a group) went to the seaside together, and he wanted to sleep in our tent! (but of course I was too embrassed/shy and he had to sleep in another tent and then started dating those sisters lol, first one then another...) So, not sure - any group 'things' you can go to as a group - like parties/concerts/gigs or sports events or such?
Not sure if I should be saying these things in public - probably not LOL!
Also, another warning, some guys may need to drink a beer or a few to be 'brave' - as I've been very anti-alcohol I kinda didn't take'em seriously after drinking though (and certainly some guys don't really remember what may have happened 'under influence', others do), some people 'hooked up' anyway... (?)
Do get to know him and his values and plans in life etc to see if you're at all compatible.. (even if he's nice and all, he may have a different future in mind...) Also don't say 'he's perfect' cause it may get you more intimidated hehe (and most likely he isn't!) Just say to yourself he's interesting from what you know (there may be things you don't know about...) and that he's a 'maybe' guy (?) - you have to get to know each other first!!
(Some guys that looked nice and seemed nice turned out to be 'macho' or very oldfashioned in beliefs that a woman's place is in the kitchen etc, or anti things I find important, so things like that can teach one to wait with opinions!)
If he really likes you, he won't care or ask (or even want to know) about your other dates!! (Or if he asks, you can say something vague like, 'That's in the past' or such.)
If two people really 'click', the past is kinda unimportant... The important is the present and the future!
I don't think there's such a thing as 'being good at dating' - either you're compatible and have things to talk about and do, or you aren't! (Who'd want a partner that's too good at dating?? Someone like that would probably be quite promiscuous imo, no? Maybe to guys interested only in short-term it might make a difference, but if both are interested in long-term, for some it can even be a 'bonus'!) If you've ever seen the film Coyote Ugly - the girl there has some form of sa too, it seems - to some guys, it could even be 'sexy'! (?)
I do wish you a good story with either this one or someone better!!
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On 2nd thought, not sure if any of them has been really 'normal'? But then again, who is??
(Normality is overrated... I wrote on this forum before that a famous psychologist in our country said there were maybe just 2 'normal' people in the country!! We are a small nation but anyway!!)
Wouldn't you rather be with someone 'interesting' than 'normal'? hm!!
I doubt it that guys fantasize, 'Hey, I wanna meet someone 'normal' unless they've been badly burnt before.. - and chances are they might consider you pretty 'normal' too.. they probably have other priorities anyway... like someone nice & easy to be with, etc.
(Normality is overrated... I wrote on this forum before that a famous psychologist in our country said there were maybe just 2 'normal' people in the country!! We are a small nation but anyway!!
)Wouldn't you rather be with someone 'interesting' than 'normal'? hm!!
I doubt it that guys fantasize, 'Hey, I wanna meet someone 'normal' unless they've been badly burnt before.. - and chances are they might consider you pretty 'normal' too.. they probably have other priorities anyway... like someone nice & easy to be with, etc.
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
I feel like sometimes people who 'seem' normal are the least normal people in the world. Because seriously.... everyone has baggage, everyone hurts in their own ways- you know?
My ex was a very normal guy, but the longer I was with him, the more I realized that he wasn't as normal as I initially thought.
He had abandonment issues and hated being alone; even if we were apart for 2 or 3 days, he would get very needy and anxious but he never realized that this might be a potential problem.
-- it wasn't a problem for me of course because I understood. I'm sure it may become a problem for him in the future though.
My ex was a very normal guy, but the longer I was with him, the more I realized that he wasn't as normal as I initially thought.
He had abandonment issues and hated being alone; even if we were apart for 2 or 3 days, he would get very needy and anxious but he never realized that this might be a potential problem.
-- it wasn't a problem for me of course because I understood. I'm sure it may become a problem for him in the future though.
I agree with letting him take the initiative. As a guy, I can tell you that we get so used to making the first move that I think I'd be very weirded out if I got hit on. You should definitely give him signs though, because if he's anything like me he's careful with who he approaches. We don't like getting egg on our faces, and we have delicate little egos.
Normal people? What is normal? To be normal is to be different. I think I understand the topic, though.
I am hardly a source of reputable knowledge in this area but I will add that those who have posted already seem to know and offer sound advice.
Mr. Kinetik, why weirded out? I would be curious and puzzled. Interested in their reasoning or want to "hit on". (I am certain a few can conjure thoughts of ill nature to what I have said there. Whatever is thought ill, not my intent.) I suppose this brings us back to what is normal.
I am hardly a source of reputable knowledge in this area but I will add that those who have posted already seem to know and offer sound advice.
Mr. Kinetik, why weirded out? I would be curious and puzzled. Interested in their reasoning or want to "hit on". (I am certain a few can conjure thoughts of ill nature to what I have said there. Whatever is thought ill, not my intent.) I suppose this brings us back to what is normal.
JosephG
Well-known member
I can relate to this totally. I think a lot of people think I am weird - and when I start to get close to people (and the opposite sex) they start to see my issues and run. I know I am not weird but my anxiety/depression issues etc make me seem so.
I think you just have to find someone understanding etc but hopefully this guy is. I reckon you should keep your cool for a while and if it all goes well works out and you start getting close and trusting - maybe then you should tell him what you go through and maybe then he'll be understanding
Hope it all works out for you!!
I think you just have to find someone understanding etc but hopefully this guy is. I reckon you should keep your cool for a while and if it all goes well works out and you start getting close and trusting - maybe then you should tell him what you go through and maybe then he'll be understanding
Hope it all works out for you!!
Only because I've never been approached by a woman in my life - I've always had to make the first move. Of those times that I do, it's about fifty/fifty. Sometimes there's no connection whatsoever and other times it all works out amazingly well. I mean, I've had some long relationships, and I was also married for two years. But either way, I've always been the one who starts it. Given that, I can't imagine someone actually accosting me first. So in that sense I'd feel out of my element if the roles were reversed. That's probably just me though, I guess it might be different for other guys, who would possibly see it as a welcome break from having to do all the running.
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hoddesdon
Well-known member
That's funny, I have been "accosted" a number of times. I did not feel "weirded out" either.
It is true that the "rules" are generally that the male is supposed to make the advance. However there are subtle signals that women send to say that they are open to being approached by a particular person e.g. preening by rearranging their hair. There are articles on the Internet about this if you do not know about it already. As well you can always put yourself in their vicinity as much as possible.
The subtle signals are intended to overcome the injustice for women that the "male makes the first move" rule brings in its wake. If you always wait for them to make the advance then you are limited to those who do so. You miss out on someone where you may be extremely suitable for each other.
"Im so scared that once he gets to know these things he'll turn around and run." - this statement is social phobia speaking. This is the sort of negative, self-defeating thought or prediction that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy says must be challenged. You do not know what he will think. You really have nothing to lose by putting the prediction to the test. It may seem so, but it is not so. Even if that does happen, you are no worse off - in fact, you are better off since at least you will not "beat yourself up" afterwards about not even trying. You will also know for certain and will not ruminate about "what might have been" forever.
It is true that the "rules" are generally that the male is supposed to make the advance. However there are subtle signals that women send to say that they are open to being approached by a particular person e.g. preening by rearranging their hair. There are articles on the Internet about this if you do not know about it already. As well you can always put yourself in their vicinity as much as possible.
The subtle signals are intended to overcome the injustice for women that the "male makes the first move" rule brings in its wake. If you always wait for them to make the advance then you are limited to those who do so. You miss out on someone where you may be extremely suitable for each other.
"Im so scared that once he gets to know these things he'll turn around and run." - this statement is social phobia speaking. This is the sort of negative, self-defeating thought or prediction that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy says must be challenged. You do not know what he will think. You really have nothing to lose by putting the prediction to the test. It may seem so, but it is not so. Even if that does happen, you are no worse off - in fact, you are better off since at least you will not "beat yourself up" afterwards about not even trying. You will also know for certain and will not ruminate about "what might have been" forever.
krs2snow
Well-known member
Lakenda, Forget what has been posted about the guy making the first move. All of that is Cocky-Pop. What matters is U having the self-esteem to feel what u feel and then let this guy know what ur feeling. U have NO idea what is really going on in his life. Don't assume that what's happening in U're life is too much for him. Thats Low self-esteem talking to ya. The issue is one of self-esteem. The guy u like is Not perfect. He seems perfect to u because u like him but he's just another person. Be urself. Tell him simply that u want to hang out and u like him. Say "I like hanging out w/u! What are u doing Saturday?" for example. Just be blunt and stop running around the real issue and trying to figure out something thats actually very simple. Instead, work on what matters, devolping ur self-esteem. By hangin out w/the one that scares u the most. This guy. He likely scares u b-cuz he's the person that will allow u to grow the most.
Luke1993
Well-known member
Well some people are able to be more compatible than others, so that's what I'd class being good at dating as.
hehe Lakenda, glad it was helpful!
I had crushes on a classmate or two at the uni/neighbour at dorm too (but we were a 'mostly girls' uni and dorm)... I did some avoidance or 'being around too much' too, and neither seemed to work, so when reading The Rules I kinda realized all the 'wrong' things I may have been doing..
I really recommend to read it, see if your library has it, even if you and others may disagree with some of the things there (you don't have to do everything, they expect people to 'freelance' a bit anyway), it really helped my self-esteem and actually helped me see things differently..
It also depends what you used to get depressed about - if over loneliness/guys/relationships/friendships (or lack of those) then just learning to get friends and getting friends and dating someone can help... You must also realize that being without all those doesn't somehow make you a lesser person.. (even if others might have prejudice too..) If you've also obsessed about grades, success, money problems etc (and okay, who doesn't? lol) or world problems, you need to find ways how to deal with those things too... CBT or other ideas.. again, finishing uni & getting a good job/having good transferrable moneymaking skills may kinda prevent those problems/worries.. (though worries/problems may appear at workplace, and it's good to know ways how to combat those worries/negative thoughts too..) so you need skills on how to RELAX and prevent burnout etc. and how to communicate effectively..
You can feel miserable or sad, you just need to be functional still, ideally.. and know ways to deal with things.. (so that you don't overwhelm yourself or the other person too much)
I used to think I would need to 'have it all together' to get into a relationship, but then you can soon get old and still just waiting for things to happen..
It's important to have some ways of making money and be independent, some guys are not even that particular about those things.. (that depends again, on what paychecks they have and how much in love they are..)
I've seen relationships that were kinda 'dysfunctional' from outside but worked even though it looked 'impossible' to the outsiders... and (some) guys may sometimes value things like honesty, integrity, passion for what is right in the world, fidelity, loyalty, and willingness to learn etc more than other things.. it just depends on the individual..
maybe make a list of what you have to offer to a guy and you might be surprised!
(depression/sa is just 1 or 2 characteristics, of very many, they may not even be relevant to the guys you are talking with! Or they may even respect you more for them..!)
Also, you never known if that guy is not sometimes depressed too, or taking antidepressants.. I was really surprised when a girl told me a guy she dated (an engineer too, now her long-term bf) was prone to depressions too.. she said the best way to deal with it is to let him 'go & cycle it off..' ? she said many people, sometimes whole offices are on antidepressants.. (?) and nobody knows, if you'd meet them in a street..
I think guys sorta expect/accept girls to be somewhat emotional, or have moodswings (there are lots of jokes about it in popular culture and sit-coms etc) but the degree of emotion and reasons for them and their view of those may be different... if a guy expects a girl who will be 'nice' or 'rational' all the time, well good luck finding one (that is not on antidepressants) I don't think guys can be 'nice' or 'upbeat' or 'rational'/logical all the time either.. we are just people.. if something bad happens, the natural/normal thing is to get sad.. the level of sadness and being able to cope with reality/be functional, while going through it.. well, that depends.. some couples go through bad things together, and that's when it's shown how deep their love is..
some guys even DON'T want a girl who'd do everything they wanted her to do etc. (and prefer some 'spark') Different guys expect/accept different things.. So that's why you need to get to know each other, and ideally kinda agree about the important things..
metaphorically.. just some crushes that I decided were not really 'it' really tho, decided to focus on studying/career.. well some girls I've met were even worse & 'real' heart-breakers, usually after own heart-break too.. some were really sweet and it just wasn't 'meant to be'...)
Of course it's probably better to tell him (like Hoddeson and some others say) rather than obsess about it into infinity, but do have a 'backup' plan if he says no, because things could get awkward.. How many times a day/week do you see each other, do you have other friends/groups to do things with if this doesn't work out etc? How long is the course, two more years or just this year? Factors to consider... Even if you did get together and if you later on split up, would it be painful to see him in class or could you avoid him successfully? (Depends on courses offered etc) Some say don't date co-workers or classmates because it could get awkward later on, I've seen some good couples that were classmates though too..
or something like that? You could also ask him maybe, 'What kind of women do you respect?' or such?
If other girls might be throwing themselves at him, he might appreciate it that you're not.. He might even have a gf 'back home' or see you as a 'mate'/someone fun to be with (?) But that depends..
you treated them indifferently and so they became attracted to you.. it has happened many times.. so the idea is to treat the guy you like like those that you don't, but it can be difficult in practice... if you never really liked them, then it's only right that you ended it.. the idea is to date guys you like.. (at least in some aspects) and have things in common with to talk about...
hehe this got too long again, and I have a feeling like I have only maybe said 10% of it... I think it's good that you're reconsidering your assumptions, sometimes it's easier to see things 'from outside' or when talking to someone with a different point of view! You're helping me re-think or 'put into form' some of my own thoughts & experiences too!
hmm, sounds familiar..
I had crushes on a classmate or two at the uni/neighbour at dorm too (but we were a 'mostly girls' uni and dorm)... I did some avoidance or 'being around too much' too, and neither seemed to work, so when reading The Rules I kinda realized all the 'wrong' things I may have been doing.. I really recommend to read it, see if your library has it, even if you and others may disagree with some of the things there (you don't have to do everything, they expect people to 'freelance' a bit anyway), it really helped my self-esteem and actually helped me see things differently..
Well, I guess it depends on how you see yourself and your depression/sa... Do you see them as something long-term that defines you, or is it just a temporary/on and off thing and occasional characteristic...? It also depends how severe your sa & depression have been... People may also have different views of health and mental health.. I think in a serious relationship it's good that both know what they are dealing with, before really getting committed, but you need to take time to see if he can even be trusted with that info. (If that makes sense?) And to see what his view of health and mental health is.. (For example, if you're into natural ways & CBT, someone expecting you to 'take a pill' and 'just deal with it' would be a no go. Someone who's into natural things too, and would offer support & encouragement about it, would be welcome.) Ideally I think both would be educated about health and mental health factors or at least willing to learn about this, and both would know CBT enough to be able to deal with each other's irrational assumptions etc, at least that's the way I see it.. (Some people are good at 'busting' irrational beliefs without knowing about CBT too, a natural talent or educated..) What you DON'T need is another worrier who'd expect you to be 'upbeat' all the time tho.. or who wouldn't give you space to deal with things.. (eg go cycling and sweat it off..) or alone time if you needed it etc.
It also depends what you used to get depressed about - if over loneliness/guys/relationships/friendships (or lack of those) then just learning to get friends and getting friends and dating someone can help... You must also realize that being without all those doesn't somehow make you a lesser person.. (even if others might have prejudice too..) If you've also obsessed about grades, success, money problems etc (and okay, who doesn't? lol) or world problems, you need to find ways how to deal with those things too... CBT or other ideas.. again, finishing uni & getting a good job/having good transferrable moneymaking skills may kinda prevent those problems/worries.. (though worries/problems may appear at workplace, and it's good to know ways how to combat those worries/negative thoughts too..) so you need skills on how to RELAX and prevent burnout etc. and how to communicate effectively..
You can feel miserable or sad, you just need to be functional still, ideally.. and know ways to deal with things.. (so that you don't overwhelm yourself or the other person too much)
I used to think I would need to 'have it all together' to get into a relationship, but then you can soon get old and still just waiting for things to happen..
It's important to have some ways of making money and be independent, some guys are not even that particular about those things.. (that depends again, on what paychecks they have and how much in love they are..)
I've seen relationships that were kinda 'dysfunctional' from outside but worked even though it looked 'impossible' to the outsiders... and (some) guys may sometimes value things like honesty, integrity, passion for what is right in the world, fidelity, loyalty, and willingness to learn etc more than other things.. it just depends on the individual..
maybe make a list of what you have to offer to a guy and you might be surprised!
(depression/sa is just 1 or 2 characteristics, of very many, they may not even be relevant to the guys you are talking with! Or they may even respect you more for them..!)
Also, you never known if that guy is not sometimes depressed too, or taking antidepressants.. I was really surprised when a girl told me a guy she dated (an engineer too, now her long-term bf) was prone to depressions too.. she said the best way to deal with it is to let him 'go & cycle it off..' ? she said many people, sometimes whole offices are on antidepressants.. (?) and nobody knows, if you'd meet them in a street..
I think guys sorta expect/accept girls to be somewhat emotional, or have moodswings (there are lots of jokes about it in popular culture and sit-coms etc) but the degree of emotion and reasons for them and their view of those may be different... if a guy expects a girl who will be 'nice' or 'rational' all the time, well good luck finding one (that is not on antidepressants) I don't think guys can be 'nice' or 'upbeat' or 'rational'/logical all the time either.. we are just people.. if something bad happens, the natural/normal thing is to get sad.. the level of sadness and being able to cope with reality/be functional, while going through it.. well, that depends.. some couples go through bad things together, and that's when it's shown how deep their love is..
some guys even DON'T want a girl who'd do everything they wanted her to do etc. (and prefer some 'spark') Different guys expect/accept different things.. So that's why you need to get to know each other, and ideally kinda agree about the important things..
hmm, he was a neighbor, it was VERY odd, we had lots of mutual friends, basically hanging out with as a group before, I was really embarassed, not sure what to do, heart-break, moved away to another dorm, met up a whole new group of people, started partying a lot and may have broken some hearts inbetween (not on purpose and not proud of it lol but that's how it was) read The Rules & realized all I had been doing wrong inbetween (and started 'practising' them, hence the broken hearts hmm
metaphorically.. just some crushes that I decided were not really 'it' really tho, decided to focus on studying/career.. well some girls I've met were even worse & 'real' heart-breakers, usually after own heart-break too.. some were really sweet and it just wasn't 'meant to be'...) Of course it's probably better to tell him (like Hoddeson and some others say) rather than obsess about it into infinity, but do have a 'backup' plan if he says no, because things could get awkward.. How many times a day/week do you see each other, do you have other friends/groups to do things with if this doesn't work out etc? How long is the course, two more years or just this year? Factors to consider... Even if you did get together and if you later on split up, would it be painful to see him in class or could you avoid him successfully? (Depends on courses offered etc) Some say don't date co-workers or classmates because it could get awkward later on, I've seen some good couples that were classmates though too..
Well, in a way this can be GOOD!! At least you have a lot of guys around you to 'choose from', and well, if you're more 'normal' than other girls there (or elsewhere in his life), you just kinda need to figure out what he means by normality and maybe you could even joke about it? 'What do you mean by that? Am I supposed to be insulted?'
or something like that? You could also ask him maybe, 'What kind of women do you respect?' or such?If other girls might be throwing themselves at him, he might appreciate it that you're not.. He might even have a gf 'back home' or see you as a 'mate'/someone fun to be with (?) But that depends..
well, the Rules book says that it was because you were 'not interested' that they became interested in you
you treated them indifferently and so they became attracted to you.. it has happened many times.. so the idea is to treat the guy you like like those that you don't, but it can be difficult in practice... if you never really liked them, then it's only right that you ended it.. the idea is to date guys you like.. (at least in some aspects) and have things in common with to talk about...hehe this got too long again, and I have a feeling like I have only maybe said 10% of it... I think it's good that you're reconsidering your assumptions, sometimes it's easier to see things 'from outside' or when talking to someone with a different point of view! You're helping me re-think or 'put into form' some of my own thoughts & experiences too!
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Hm, some people can relate or talk to others easier, these are communication skills/social skills that you can learn... A lot depends on the attitude too.. Being compatible is more about common interests and plans in life.. True, some interests and plans in life can be more compatible with more people... (eg many people may want to get a job/career, find a flat/house to live in and a partner/get married - so if you also wish those things and are actively working on them, you can be compatible with quite some people..)
'good at dating' can also mean 'short-term compatibility' (making the other person feel good/feel at ease etc) and may have nothing to do with ability to have good long-term relationships.. for 'long-term' things like respect and being willing to do your share of the work (in the kitchen/household/financial etc) and being able to hold an intelligent/interesting conversation (or being willing to learn how to communicate effectively) and spend time together and alone in meaningful ways can be more important..
Many married people report feeling 'lonely' or 'alone' a lot of the time too, according to something I read (the study said it was sorta 50:50 I think), and so learning to deal with 'alone time' and with 'loneliness' can be important whether or not you are solo or in a relationship/dating/married etc.
LadyWench
Well-known member
Well, I think setting up a time to get together would be a good idea. If you like him this much and he seems interested, I say go for it. Maybe after you two have spent a little more time together, or have even gone on a date or two, you could tell him about your SA? If he's a good person with a good heart, he'll be understanding. Or at least accepting. And I'm hoping that's the case!
As for me...I wouldn't call my boyfriend "normal", but he certainly doesn't have the issues that I do. He's dealt with depression in the past. Sometimes it will flare up, but very rarely. He doesn't suffer from anxiety or any social problems. I guess compared to me, he is normal, haha. He's pretty accepting of my problems and they don't seem to bother him a whole lot. We've been together for nearly three years. I think the simple fact that he accepts me for who I am and doesn't care about my flaws, is what keeps the relationship going. He understands that I'm too scared to work or be social. He's also understanding of my anxiety and hypochondria. He just kind of...goes with it. If that makes sense.
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. Good luck with your guy!
Maybe after you two have spent a little more time together, or have even gone on a date or two, you could tell him about your SA? If he's a good person with a good heart, he'll be understanding. Or at least accepting. And I'm hoping that's the case! As for me...I wouldn't call my boyfriend "normal", but he certainly doesn't have the issues that I do. He's dealt with depression in the past. Sometimes it will flare up, but very rarely. He doesn't suffer from anxiety or any social problems. I guess compared to me, he is normal, haha. He's pretty accepting of my problems and they don't seem to bother him a whole lot. We've been together for nearly three years. I think the simple fact that he accepts me for who I am and doesn't care about my flaws, is what keeps the relationship going. He understands that I'm too scared to work or be social. He's also understanding of my anxiety and hypochondria. He just kind of...goes with it. If that makes sense.
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. Good luck with your guy!
RolloTomasi
Active member
Ok, story time. Good story. TRUE story.
Several years ago, my old crappy band was playing a show. Afterwards, I was hanging out, talking to people, having a few beers - the usual. This girl ends up talking to me for a couple of hours. I thought "Cool. Doesn't seem to be the typical skeazy chick trying to nail the lead guitarist type." Being the somewhat aloof guy that I am, I don't exchange numbers with her, but I tell her when our next show is. She shows up, we hang out again afterwards.
A couple weeks go by, we finally exchange numbers and say we'll get together outside of the scene. So a few days later, I give her a call and see if she wants to go out to dinner with a few friends. She says she'd love to, but she can't get "Gordie" to go back in his cage. I'm thinking dog or cat, as would most people. Here's the payoff - "Gordie" is actually her pet goblin. Yes, pet goblin. She says he's about three feet tall, dark green skin, orange eyes and watches over her while she sleeps. I hang up and immediately call the phone company to have my number changed while thanking God she never found out where I live.
The moral of the story? No one is normal. Doesn't matter how cleverly they disguise themselves. Everyone has their problems. Some people have anxiety and depression, others have imaginary goblins they lock in cages when they go out on dates. Cheers.
Several years ago, my old crappy band was playing a show. Afterwards, I was hanging out, talking to people, having a few beers - the usual. This girl ends up talking to me for a couple of hours. I thought "Cool. Doesn't seem to be the typical skeazy chick trying to nail the lead guitarist type." Being the somewhat aloof guy that I am, I don't exchange numbers with her, but I tell her when our next show is. She shows up, we hang out again afterwards.
A couple weeks go by, we finally exchange numbers and say we'll get together outside of the scene. So a few days later, I give her a call and see if she wants to go out to dinner with a few friends. She says she'd love to, but she can't get "Gordie" to go back in his cage. I'm thinking dog or cat, as would most people. Here's the payoff - "Gordie" is actually her pet goblin. Yes, pet goblin. She says he's about three feet tall, dark green skin, orange eyes and watches over her while she sleeps. I hang up and immediately call the phone company to have my number changed while thanking God she never found out where I live.
The moral of the story? No one is normal. Doesn't matter how cleverly they disguise themselves. Everyone has their problems. Some people have anxiety and depression, others have imaginary goblins they lock in cages when they go out on dates. Cheers.
twiggle
Well-known member
Hahahahahaha.
I'm sorry, I know it must have been disappointing at the time, but this really made me laugh!
I think you made a lucky escape!!
RolloTomasi
Active member
It wasn't all that disappointing really. It mostly served as a valuable lesson. Plus I got a great story out of it.
Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
So.... you hate goblins THAT much?
Newtype
Well-known member
I think I can relate to this. I don't know if OP feels the same. The reason I've never had a gf is not necessarily because I have SA, it's more that I have to tell her that I have SA. That's why I NEVER talk to girls, because if I start talking to a girl and she starts liking me and she gets her hopes up and I tell her that, I don't want her to be disappointed. At the same time, I kinda don't want to involve someone else in my SA. I don't want a girl that I like to suffer because of me.