Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

Miserum

Well-known member
I am very confused.๐Ÿ˜• :unsure:
Sorry, I should have added some text to my post to explain that video. Don't blame me, I am socially awkward after all! ๐Ÿ˜…

This is my way of jokingly suggesting you to stick it out at your job. No retreat in the face of adversity. No retreat just when you feel like everything is about to hit the fan. (y)
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Sorry, I should have added some text to my post to explain that video. Don't blame me, I am socially awkward after all! ๐Ÿ˜…

This is my way of jokingly suggesting you to stick it out at your job. No retreat in the face of adversity. No retreat just when you feel like everything is about to hit the fan. (y)
Ah I see! Thanks for explaining. Honestly my brain is so fried these days from work and life in general I figured it was just going over my head because I can't think straight. ๐Ÿ˜†

I'm sticking it out the best I can. I did end up applying for that other job tonight though. We'll see what happens. ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ
 

planemo

Well-known member
Sometimes I wonder what's on the other side of loneliness. Is the grass always greener on the other side? Maybe if I had a significant other, then I'd be happy? One of the reasons I shun actually showing interest in women is that I'm terrified I'll actually like someone and commit , but once I get to really know her, I'll regret my decision.

I'm terrified I'll meet a woman who at first seems sweet and caring, but then shows herself to be harsh and manipulatiive. I've encountered so many people like that in my life, (people whose issues make your life unbearable) , that I rather just play it safe and be alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean no one is perfect. So do I try, and if I make a mistake, just stick it out? Or should I just accept that I'm too sensitive and it's impossible to find the 'perfect' match? I wish I knew.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Sometimes I wonder what's on the other side of loneliness. Is the grass always greener on the other side? Maybe if I had a significant other, then I'd be happy? One of the reasons I shun actually showing interest in women is that I'm terrified I'll actually like someone and commit , but once I get to really know her, I'll regret my decision.

I'm terrified I'll meet a woman who at first seems sweet and caring, but then shows herself to be harsh and manipulatiive. I've encountered so many people like that in my life, (people whose issues make your life unbearable) , that I rather just play it safe and be alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean no one is perfect. So do I try, and if I make a mistake, just stick it out? Or should I just accept that I'm too sensitive and it's impossible to find the 'perfect' match? I wish I knew.
I feel like trying too, and accepting the fact that things might go south. That just seems to be life. And things going south also seems to be a matter of perspective; what I think is a negative in a person or relationship might not be--it might only be because I choose to see it that way. Granted that, perspective is mutable, and that gives me a certain hope for a good relationship down the line.

Like you, I'm jaded. Past failed relationships, cruel words or actions by my significant others or by myself, or simply seeing them happen in others' relationships, and the high general failure rate of relationships everywhere (in the USA at least), doesn't make me feel confident about chasing any longterm relationships.

I can relate to what you say. Lately, I've been looking at relationships through this negative lens: flirting to start with, but flirting masks the true characters of both people because it is driven by lust. After a while, the lust stumbles, falters, and pretty much dies, and only the characters of the people remain; their characters are their true selves, uninfluenced by factors of lust. This is who we are when we're with good friends or alone in our rooms.

So to find someone who's character fits greatly in line with ours, and who isn't just a person that we're sexually attracted to, is a hard, winding journey. And it seems to me, the foundations of most longterm relationships are laid mainly based on this sexual desire.

I'm afraid of finding someone who I have this desire for, and who equally, desires me, and then having everything eventually fall apart because our characters don't match. And even if our characters do match, who's to say they won't change and become incompatible later on?

That unknown scares me.

However, what I really don't want is to end up in my later years miserable and alone. I'd much rather share that misery with someone else ๐Ÿ˜‚.
 

planemo

Well-known member
/\
To me relationships based only on physical attraction will almost certainly have a bad ending. Well, certainly for me, since I can't imagine anyone being interested in me on a solely physical level. But how does one truly know who the person is, without actually committing to something long term though? The unknown scares me too. Loneliness though depressing, has a certain stability, consistency to it. Whereas relationships can prove to be a roller coaster of ups and downs, fluctuations and uncertainties.

You're right, in that one's perspective determines what one sees as either desirable or undesirable in a partner. I guess I've just been so influenced by harsh, difficult people that perhaps I over-focus on trying to avoid any behaviour that remotely resembles what I've experienced before. I wish life wasn't so uncertain, and that finding a good match is so much of a lottery.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
To me relationships based only on physical attraction will almost certainly have a bad ending.
In my experience, a person is usually not only attracted to another's looks. A person's personality is a big part of that attraction, without a doubt.

But part of that "attractive" personality is manufactured, on an unconscious, primal, sexual level. This segment of personality, the flirtatious segment, seems to be separated from the character-as-a-whole of an individual. I've seen people morph into entirely different people because someone they found attractive happened to be in their vicinity. That flirting instinct acts as a catalyst to getting busy in the sheets later on and thus, propagating our species.

Flirting is evolutionarily practical and it acts, to some extent, as a mask. People behave a certain way so they can have sex. That behavior fogs and constrains the vision of those involved so they can more easily make babies; certain things are overlooked because of it. But, once that's achieved, after a while, the mask tends to come off--for either or both parties--the fog lifts, and you're left with this unrecognizable person... all of their flaws, boring tendencies, and idiosyncrasies front and center. And sometimes that takes a while; sometimes you've married and have children with this person by then.

When this ousting of lust happens, you're left with the flirtatious-segment-free characters of the people involved, and if those characters don't highly mesh, if they don't play nicely, the relationship is destined for failure. And it seems there's no way to mitigate the inaccuracy of the flirt zone--the danger that you might be picking a person that's totally wrong for you--outside of listing your likes and dislikes on your dating profile, unless you find yourself in an arranged marriage situation where the character of your significant other has been highly vetted.

It's all very scary. And it's why I see flirting as natural, yet fabricated, bullshit.
 
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Miserum

Well-known member
In other news

what if i told you i need to get laid - What If I Told You | Meme Generator
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Maybe if I had a significant other, then I'd be happy?
Any sense of unhappiness, emptiness, and any other negativity will always follow you, regardless of whether you have another person by your side or not. It's easy to think that if you have someone by your side, then surely you'll be happy. I was one of those people too who thought that if I wasn't single, then I'd be happier. I shouldn't say there's never any happiness, but rather what positivity you experience will just push all the negativity to the side for a while. That negativity will creep back eventually unless you address it. Haven't been single in 7 years and while my relationship does make me happy (read happy: a sense of deep comfort), it doesn't magically get rid of all the "bad" things. Those are my own little demons that I have to deal with. It's just easier to be able to share that misery with someone else, like Miserum said. But it can be easy to overshare that misery to the point where it may even be toxic honestly.

So do I try, and if I make a mistake, just stick it out? Or should I just accept that I'm too sensitive and it's impossible to find the 'perfect' match? I wish I knew.
If you wind up with someone manipulative, I would hope you'd have the strength to not "stick it out" for the sake of being with someone for company. Being single may suck at times, but being with someone toxic would be even worse.

Honestly, I don't ever understand people looking for the "perfect match" as IMO it doesn't exist. I definitely wouldn't say my husband is my perfect match. We compliment each other well, but we also have our polar differences. We're as much similar as we are complete opposites. It's really all about balance and what each person is willing to accept about the other and how they can make it work.
 

planemo

Well-known member
Any sense of unhappiness, emptiness, and any other negativity will always follow you, regardless of whether you have another person by your side or not. It's easy to think that if you have someone by your side, then surely you'll be happy. I was one of those people too who thought that if I wasn't single, then I'd be happier. I shouldn't say there's never any happiness, but rather what positivity you experience will just push all the negativity to the side for a while. That negativity will creep back eventually unless you address it. Haven't been single in 7 years and while my relationship does make me happy (read happy: a sense of deep comfort), it doesn't magically get rid of all the "bad" things. Those are my own little demons that I have to deal with. It's just easier to be able to share that misery with someone else, like Miserum said. But it can be easy to overshare that misery to the point where it may even be toxic honestly.


If you wind up with someone manipulative, I would hope you'd have the strength to not "stick it out" for the sake of being with someone for company. Being single may suck at times, but being with someone toxic would be even worse.

Honestly, I don't ever understand people looking for the "perfect match" as IMO it doesn't exist. I definitely wouldn't say my husband is my perfect match. We compliment each other well, but we also have our polar differences. We're as much similar as we are complete opposites. It's really all about balance and what each person is willing to accept about the other and how they can make it work.

I am aware that I take my issues along with me, wherever I go. It's like my shadow, or set of luggage I always carry around, no matter where I lodge. I suppose I'm afraid of choosing someone who may on the surface provide some relief to my misery, but in the end the relationship turns toxic. I'm terrified of meeting someone who might end up being similar to people I've already encountered. I think if I can meet someone who's different in that way, that would automatically make me happier.

I'm a conflict avoider by nature, but I tend to feel guilty when I stay away from drama. I think my normal MO would be to stick it out, but I know that deep down that's no good for me. I hope that if that time ever comes to let go, I'm capable of it.

You're right the perfect match doesn't exist, but I suppose what I mean by 'perfect' is someone who is less likely to trigger my personal sensitivities and aversions.

People, hey? Can't live with them, can't live without them! :p
 
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neurotic-to-the-bone

Active member
Honestly, I don't ever understand people looking for the "perfect match" as IMO it doesn't exist. I definitely wouldn't say my husband is my perfect match. We compliment each other well, but we also have our polar differences. We're as much similar as we are complete opposites. It's really all about balance and what each person is willing to accept about the other and how they can make it work.

Well said. This video elaborates on exactly this and I think it nails it
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I'm terrified of meeting someone who might end up being similar to people I've already encountered. I think if I can meet someone who's different in that way, that would automatically make me happier.
I can understand that. I think it can be hard though to open yourself up to giving others a chance if you're already, in a sense, expecting them to be similar to many of those from your past. Having that vulnerability is essential though if wanting to form a relationship with someone.

I'm a conflict avoider by nature, but I tend to feel guilty when I stay away from drama. I think my normal MO would be to stick it out, but I know that deep down that's no good for me. I hope that if that time ever comes to let go, I'm capable of it.
Do you feel guilty because you feel you have to solve the conflict that's taking place? I'm a conflict avoider too, but unfortunately I also have a very high drive to solve problems in my life -- to the point where it literally stresses me out until I figure it out. I only get involved in conflict if it does have to do with me or my life. Anyone else I could care less.
People, hey? Can't live with them, can't live without them! :p
An unfortunate hard truth of life. ๐Ÿ˜„
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Well said. This video elaborates on exactly this and I think it nails it
That was a really good straightforward video. "You pick this person, you deal with these issues." I really like that since it's 100% true. While they aren't your issues to bear or solve for your partner, they are something you need to decide whether or not you can handle.

I will say though I still believe in soul mates, and yes "the one." I believe people can have more than one soul mate too. (There's how many of us on this whole planet? Why not?) But again, I don't believe them to be the "perfect partner."
 

planemo

Well-known member
Do you feel guilty because you feel you have to solve the conflict that's taking place? I'm a conflict avoider too, but unfortunately I also have a very high drive to solve problems in my life -- to the point where it literally stresses me out until I figure it out. I only get involved in conflict if it does have to do with me or my life. Anyone else I could care less.

Probably. I must say I haven't really given it much thought, tbh. Maybe if I were in a toxic relationship, I'd think "Well, you've committed. There's no changing your mind now." So, I have to find a solution, otherwise I'd feel I'm taking the easy way out. I'm not sure. Maybe, I'm just not cut out for this type of stuff.
 
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