Sometimes I wonder what's on the other side of loneliness. Is the grass always greener on the other side? Maybe if I had a significant other, then I'd be happy? One of the reasons I shun actually showing interest in women is that I'm terrified I'll actually like someone and commit , but once I get to really know her, I'll regret my decision.
I'm terrified I'll meet a woman who at first seems sweet and caring, but then shows herself to be harsh and manipulatiive. I've encountered so many people like that in my life, (people whose issues make your life unbearable) , that I rather just play it safe and be alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I mean no one is perfect. So do I try, and if I make a mistake, just stick it out? Or should I just accept that I'm too sensitive and it's impossible to find the 'perfect' match? I wish I knew.
I feel like trying too, and accepting the fact that things might go south. That just seems to be life. And things going south also seems to be a matter of perspective; what I think is a negative in a person or relationship might not be--it might only be because I choose to see it that way. Granted that, perspective is mutable, and that gives me a certain hope for a good relationship down the line.
Like you, I'm jaded. Past failed relationships, cruel words or actions by my significant others or by myself, or simply seeing them happen in others' relationships, and the high general failure rate of relationships everywhere (in the USA at least), doesn't make me feel confident about chasing any longterm relationships.
I can relate to what you say. Lately, I've been looking at relationships through this negative lens: flirting to start with, but flirting
masks the true characters of both people because it is driven by lust. After a while, the lust stumbles, falters, and pretty much dies, and only the characters of the people remain; their characters are their true selves, uninfluenced by factors of lust. This is who we are when we're with good friends or alone in our rooms.
So to find someone who's character fits greatly in line with ours, and who isn't just a person that we're sexually attracted to, is a hard, winding journey. And it seems to me, the foundations of most longterm relationships are laid mainly based on this sexual desire.
I'm afraid of finding someone who I have this desire for, and who equally, desires me, and then having everything eventually fall apart because our characters don't match. And even if our characters do match, who's to say they won't change and become incompatible later on?
That unknown scares me.
However, what I really
don't want is to end up in my later years miserable
and alone. I'd much rather share that misery with someone else
.
