Post your random thoughts/feelings etc

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I received a text today from my former coworker wondering how I was doing. I have not talked to her since I got laid off in March. Why is she all of a sudden checking in now? Did I become the topic of conversation recently? Why does anyone care? Why am I caring so much about this?

I don't hate her. I never did and she was a good coworker. I hate that she works there though. She's too good for that place, for anyone else she works with. I just hate my former boss so much, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her. My therapist basically said even if you can't forgive, at least forget it and move on. Learn from it, but don't get hung up on it. I've been doing just that, but now this has brought back all those bitter feelings. And if I do reply, whatever I tell my coworker, I know will be told to others too. Again, why does anyone care? They (my boss and other coworker) certainly didn't care and lied to my face about their work environment when I was struggling so bad with my health at work, then that bitch of a boss continued to embarrass me in front of actual clients over small mistakes. How toxic of a human being are you to realize one of your employees is so sick, it's clearly showing in her work, then you STILL reprimand and embarrass her in front of other people over things that aren't necessarily her fault??? She's a disgusting manipulative person and I can't believe I wanted to work for her. For years I had a goal to work with her, and she straight up stepped all over me and kicked me around like garbage.

I think what hurts the most is that I can't even really prove to them (and why do I want to??) that I'm doing better, because I have no job to show for it. It's still just me. At home. Just like when I was laid off. I told them I was moving on to do culinary education, and well, it wasn't a lie, but now I feel like it is because I'm not even doing that. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I'm trying to do a lot of little somethings and I think that's better than doing nothing.
 
I received a text today from my former coworker wondering how I was doing. I have not talked to her since I got laid off in March. Why is she all of a sudden checking in now? Did I become the topic of conversation recently? Why does anyone care? Why am I caring so much about this?

I don't hate her. I never did and she was a good coworker. I hate that she works there though. She's too good for that place, for anyone else she works with. I just hate my former boss so much, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her. My therapist basically said even if you can't forgive, at least forget it and move on. Learn from it, but don't get hung up on it. I've been doing just that, but now this has brought back all those bitter feelings. And if I do reply, whatever I tell my coworker, I know will be told to others too. Again, why does anyone care? They (my boss and other coworker) certainly didn't care and lied to my face about their work environment when I was struggling so bad with my health at work, then that bitch of a boss continued to embarrass me in front of actual clients over small mistakes. How toxic of a human being are you to realize one of your employees is so sick, it's clearly showing in her work, then you STILL reprimand and embarrass her in front of other people over things that aren't necessarily her fault??? She's a disgusting manipulative person and I can't believe I wanted to work for her. For years I had a goal to work with her, and she straight up stepped all over me and kicked me around like garbage.

I think what hurts the most is that I can't even really prove to them (and why do I want to??) that I'm doing better, because I have no job to show for it. It's still just me. At home. Just like when I was laid off. I told them I was moving on to do culinary education, and well, it wasn't a lie, but now I feel like it is because I'm not even doing that. I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I'm trying to do a lot of little somethings and I think that's better than doing nothing.

Unless you want to keep a relationship with this co-worker or anyone else there, I'd ignore the text message. I think work environments are their own little worlds, and by quitting you have left that world. In my case, it always took a little while after leaving to recognize that it's a world I'm not part of anymore, and that the going-ons within it don't matter to me at all anymore. I had a manager I didn't like at my last job, and I had to keep reminding myself for a long while after that he's not in my life anymore, and I'm bothering myself over a thing that is not part of my life anymore. I still have to remind myself not to do that, whether it's old coworkers or other things.

But my point is, I think unless you want to maintain a relationship or connection with any of these people, what they think, feel, or do doesn't matter anymore, especially in the workplace. And if you can't separate them from your last place of work which seems to bring nothing but negativity to you, it might be best to make as clean a cut as you can to allow you to move on.
 

NathanielWingatePeaslee

1
Staff member
I agree with VJ. After I quit my last job I got 2 texts from people there asking me how I'm doing. The first person was a hideous 2-faced gossip monger and I didn't even consider replying. The second was someone I liked but on the whole I felt it was best I didn't try to maintain relations with her. It would have just meant more complications and hassle in my life in the long run.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Unless you want to keep a relationship with this co-worker or anyone else there, I'd ignore the text message. I think work environments are their own little worlds, and by quitting you have left that world. In my case, it always took a little while after leaving to recognize that it's a world I'm not part of anymore, and that the going-ons within it don't matter to me at all anymore. I had a manager I didn't like at my last job, and I had to keep reminding myself for a long while after that he's not in my life anymore, and I'm bothering myself over a thing that is not part of my life anymore. I still have to remind myself not to do that, whether it's old coworkers or other things.

But my point is, I think unless you want to maintain a relationship or connection with any of these people, what they think, feel, or do doesn't matter anymore, especially in the workplace. And if you can't separate them from your last place of work which seems to bring nothing but negativity to you, it might be best to make as clean a cut as you can to allow you to move on.
I think I'm used to things being personal, because my jobs throughout college became personal for networking and friendship sake. I actively sought that out after awhile because I hated being a loner. I know that you're not going to make friends at every job and I need to get used to that. The job I had prior to this former one, I worked there for 2 years to help pay for school and bills and I actually made friends - people I still talk to this day, people that I miss. I guess I'm also hurt that I expected the same out of this job too and wound up being burned. And a part of me feels bad too for ignoring this message, even though I have nothing I need to prove nor say, because I actually didn't hate this person. Through the whole mess, she was the only one who actually cared enough to ask how I was doing everyday. But admittedly, aside from her kindness, I don't want to keep any contact or relationships from there at all. So yes, I believe I will be ignoring this message.

I agree with VJ. After I quit my last job I got 2 texts from people there asking me how I'm doing. The first person was a hideous 2-faced gossip monger and I didn't even consider replying. The second was someone I liked but on the whole I felt it was best I didn't try to maintain relations with her. It would have just meant more complications and hassle in my life in the long run.
First reading I thought it said two-faced gossip monster and I was thinking, "Wow. What did that person do to be such a monster?" :LOL: But uh, not much difference I suppose, right? ;) (My brain is a little fried after spending half of today out in the sun. I don't do well with heat.)

Yes, I agree. I don't think I can maintain relations with anyone. Like you said, it's going to complicate things. In my case it's going to keep me from getting over these bitter feelings and negativity and I think it will cause hassle because honestly I'd probably just open up eventually and tell her the other reasons why I ultimately quit and she'd probably would end up telling other former coworkers since people talk. So yeah, I'm leaving this alone.
 

NathanielWingatePeaslee

1
Staff member
"Wow. What did that person do to be such a monster?"
For the purpose of your entertainment: some people are always talking shit about everyone else while pretending to be BFFs with whomever they're talking to at the moment in order to squeeze potential gossip out of them to use against other people. This was one of those people. I consider such creatures especially vile.
 
I had a day of writing a week or so ago which I was happy with. I had this idea rolling around in my head for a while, and when I finally decided to sit down and put it to paper it actually came out as I had hoped. My attempts to build off it have been putrid though. I sat down last night for probably 4 hours, and wrote 3 or 4 different next chapters, and erased every one. I was glad to have done the exercise of writing and that I am trying to hold my writing to a higher standard, but it's still frustrating to have nothing tangible to show for it afterward.

Hopefully I can turn the frustration into focus. I've been fairly listless in everything I do lately. Having something to strive for might help structure my days and motivate me to be more productive.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
What is it with women that "want a guy that can make them laugh"? Are their lives so empty that they can't find any entertainment elsewhere in this age of information, and thus they need a personal clown to keep them entertained? That's the pessimistic view.

Here's the positive one. Maybe what they are looking for is simply someone they are compatible with? If the guy can make them laugh, maybe they find the same things funny, and maybe they therefore have other similarities in common, since humor is attached to many other things in our lives, like political leanings and outlooks on life. So maybe humor is an indicator of overall compatibility between them.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
What is it with women that "want a guy that can make them laugh"? Are their lives so empty that they can't find any entertainment elsewhere in this age of information, and thus they need a personal clown to keep them entertained? That's the pessimistic view.

Here's the positive one. Maybe what they are looking for is simply someone they are compatible with? If the guy can make them laugh, maybe they find the same things funny, and maybe they therefore have other similarities in common, since humor is attached to many other things in our lives, like political leanings and outlooks on life. So maybe humor is an indicator of overall compatibility between them.
It really comes down to connections, and yes ultimately compatibility although not always. (Just because you have a connection in one area with someone doesn't mean you'll be compatible with them on all other levels.) For me when I say (or rather, said) that I like guys that can make me laugh, I like those I can have fun with. Someone that I can share the same sense of humor and laugh over the same things, do things together that we have fun with that takes me away from my own seriousness. I feel there's a slight emotional disconnect when something is shared that you find hilarious, then you show the person and that person just sits there with the most deadpan expression then says, "I don't get it." Well I don't get you either, lol. My husband is one of these people. I often share things with him that he doesn't quite understand, but he's gotten better, or rather I've gotten better at sharing things I know he would like. Same with activities. If you're both enjoying yourselves doing whatever you're doing, you'll laugh over stupid things. You're both not going to find the same things funny or be interested in the same things, but it's a matter of you both putting in that effort to share things with each other that you know each of you will like and forming a connection.
 
Some days when I look at life and think it's similar to a plot of a story, I think to myself "You're reading into things, life is ordinary."

Other days I wake up to read that Kanye West has announced he's running for president as a pro-Wakanda third party candidate with the "Birthday Party" because "when we win, it’s everybody’s birthday."
 

FountainandFairfax

the only prescription is more cowbell
Some days when I look at life and think it's similar to a plot of a story, I think to myself "You're reading into things, life is ordinary."

Other days I wake up to read that Kanye West has announced he's running for president as a pro-Wakanda third party candidate with the "Birthday Party" because "when we win, it’s everybody’s birthday."
Strange days, my dude. :LOL:
 

Miserum

Well-known member
It really comes down to connections, and yes ultimately compatibility although not always. (Just because you have a connection in one area with someone doesn't mean you'll be compatible with them on all other levels.) For me when I say (or rather, said) that I like guys that can make me laugh, I like those I can have fun with. Someone that I can share the same sense of humor and laugh over the same things, do things together that we have fun with that takes me away from my own seriousness. I feel there's a slight emotional disconnect when something is shared that you find hilarious, then you show the person and that person just sits there with the most deadpan expression then says, "I don't get it." Well I don't get you either, lol. My husband is one of these people. I often share things with him that he doesn't quite understand, but he's gotten better, or rather I've gotten better at sharing things I know he would like. Same with activities. If you're both enjoying yourselves doing whatever you're doing, you'll laugh over stupid things. You're both not going to find the same things funny or be interested in the same things, but it's a matter of you both putting in that effort to share things with each other that you know each of you will like and forming a connection.
What you've just said sounds a great deal like "I like guys I can laugh with," which is completely fair and reasonable. "I like a guy that can make me laugh," stated as such at least, has a different explicit meaning. Put this way, an inordinate amount of pressure is placed on us guys to perform, to be the direct object of a woman's entertainment, rather than simply playing a part in the mutual entertainment between two people; this pressure is frankly unfair.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm changing my personality for women just so I can get laughs. My lack of self-esteem has forced me into this. I don't think I would have an issue with the statement mentioned if I changed the narrative from "I have to make a woman laugh in order for her to like me" to "If she doesn't find me funny then we are just not compatible."

However, given that there are so many men that have insecurity and confusion over this statement, I think the statement should be reworded (if the majority of women really do intend what you just explained).
 
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Phoenixx

Well-known member
Therapy didn't really go the way I wanted it to today. My therapist tends to get off track from the subject at hand. For example, she asked me what I typically do in a day. I told her my morning routine, and when I mentioned that in the morning I watch either Netflix or Youtube while I eat breakfast, she started asking me what I like to watch and what kind of shows I've been watching, but then she started talking to me about what she likes to watch. This is a common theme in these appointments. She's a nice lady, don't get me wrong, but I don't understand how that has anything to do with why I'm here. Some appointments I feel like our talks turn into conversation I'd have with someone I just met I'm trying to get to know. Is that what she's doing here? Trying to get to know me? Not trying to get to know my problems? I'm a little confused. But regardless, I have been trying to redirect conversations back to me and did manage to tell her that I wanted more appointments and that I admitted I haven't been that thorough with things and I need to talk about subjects I've been avoiding which explain a lot about how I am. She was fine with that, basically told me to write down two major things that need attention, and I go back to see her in two weeks. She at least gave me a book recommendation to check out. I've never been one to look at self-help books, but this one seems interesting.
 

Miserum

Well-known member
Therapy didn't really go the way I wanted it to today. My therapist tends to get off track from the subject at hand. For example, she asked me what I typically do in a day. I told her my morning routine, and when I mentioned that in the morning I watch either Netflix or Youtube while I eat breakfast, she started asking me what I like to watch and what kind of shows I've been watching, but then she started talking to me about what she likes to watch. This is a common theme in these appointments. She's a nice lady, don't get me wrong, but I don't understand how that has anything to do with why I'm here. Some appointments I feel like our talks turn into conversation I'd have with someone I just met I'm trying to get to know. Is that what she's doing here? Trying to get to know me? Not trying to get to know my problems? I'm a little confused. But regardless, I have been trying to redirect conversations back to me and did manage to tell her that I wanted more appointments and that I admitted I haven't been that thorough with things and I need to talk about subjects I've been avoiding which explain a lot about how I am. She was fine with that, basically told me to write down two major things that need attention, and I go back to see her in two weeks. She at least gave me a book recommendation to check out. I've never been one to look at self-help books, but this one seems interesting.
Perhaps she's trying to build camaraderie in order to make you feel more comfortable so you can relay your problems to her more easily.

If she's trying to get to know you, she might be trying to build a bigger picture of your character and circumstances. With understanding of the broader picture, she may be better able to understand how or why your problems develop or have developed, and therefore what solutions might work best for you.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Perhaps she's trying to build camaraderie in order to make you feel more comfortable so you can relay your problems to her more easily.

If she's trying to get to know you, she might be trying to build a bigger picture of your character and circumstances. With understanding of the broader picture, she may be better able to understand how or why your problems develop or have developed, and therefore what solutions might work best for you.
That's a good way of looking at it. That's probably what it is, I just didn't recognize the intention. My past therapy experience during college - using college services - was pretty poor. No one had ever asked me about interests or my day, only trying to tackle the problem at hand while offering crap solutions. So given those experiences I don't have anything really to go by as for what to expect with these appointments.
 
What you've just said sounds a great deal like "I like guys I can laugh with," which is completely fair and reasonable. "I like a guy that can make me laugh," stated as such at least, has a different explicit meaning. Put this way, an inordinate amount of pressure is placed on us guys to perform, to be the direct object of a woman's entertainment, rather than simply playing a part in the mutual entertainment between two people; this pressure is frankly unfair.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm changing my personality for women just so I can get laughs. My lack of self-esteem has forced me into this. I don't think I would have an issue with the statement mentioned if I changed the narrative from "I have to make a woman laugh in order for her to like me" to "If she doesn't find me funny then we are just not compatible."

However, given that there are so many men that have insecurity and confusion over this statement, I think the statement should be reworded (if the majority of women really do intend what you just explained).
Another take on it might be that when someone says "I like guys that can make me laugh" they are talking more about themselves, in that they are a person who likes to laugh. It's not necessarily the case that a person who says this doesn't like guys who fail to make them laugh or either. It's just if you like to laugh, having someone around who can make you laugh would be nice. If you like good meals, having someone who can cook. If you like music, someone who can sing or play an instrument.

And I imagine there are lots of people who do not prioritize humor highly. Someone who struggles at times might rather an open ear and a shoulder to lean on than someone quick to crack a joke. Or security is frequently something important to people, so a safe place to live and a stable income would be more important.

If I was single and writing up a dating profile I'd probably say something along the lines that I want someone who makes me want to be better, someone who inspires me to improve and be the best me I can be. I wouldn't want people to change to fit what I want though. And I don't think you should feel the need to do so either. Identify the qualities that you feel make you worth being around, and put those on display. Who knows, maybe in a world where every guy is trying to be a comedian (guilty) you may end up being a diamond in the rough for someone out there.
 
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