Sometimes I look at my life and I feel like I have come so far. That these obstacles that used to block my path I can comfortably hurdle over and and keep going like it was nothing.
Other times, I am incredibly aware that some of these obstacles I haven't overcome as much as have just been avoiding, and while I had been avoiding them they have grown in size.
Like posting here, for example, I can do with relative ease. It wasn't always that way. It was always easier than face to face encounters, but my mind would spend a lot of time on the words I had to say. The over-sensitive perfectionist.
Ask me most days, and I will tell you the scrutinizing over a post in a forum is in my past, and I am just generally more laid back and comfortable. Tonight though, I found myself posting on another forum, and I can just feel myself anxious at my computer. It's a work forum, and a lot of the money I have been making has been aided by the posters there. I kept seeing opportunities to return the favor but shied away, but tonight I decided I would. "It's just a forum" I thought to myself "I do it on SPW all the time, how should this be any different?"
I just feel myself agonizing every second afterwards. And they're all super nice, so it reminds me of when I used to deliver pizza. My boss (and friend) wanted me to learn the front, like the cash register. An nice old lady walked in, someone he figured would be a total softball. She was, and I think it was the only successful cash register transaction I have ever had, but man was it ugly. And every second I was knotted up inside. Even the easiest of situations are difficult for me.
So I do know there are things I've improved on, but I am reminded of how much is simply swept under the rug in instances like this.
