Open Relationships vs. Monogamy

HHDisturbed

HHDisturbed

Well-known member
I am about to "out" myself but here goes...

I realize that society as a whole still tends to look down on open marriages and swinging but why? Studies show that 50% to 60% of married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. The simple fact is that no matter how happy you are in your relationship, the urge to have sexual relations with others is often to strong to resist. It simply is human nature. Monogamy is possible but unrealistic.

But there is an alternative to cheating and destroying your marriage. Instead of lying, deceiving and sneaking around behind the back of your spouse (which is cheating) it is so much fun and exciting to participate "together" in a threesome, foursome or moresome.

Now I am sure that there will likely be a flood of replies condemning this concept, but why? It is NOT cheating if a married couple consensually agrees to participate in sexual activities with others together WITH their spouse. To believe otherwise is simply wrong because sex is not love and love is not sex. Let's face it, life is way too short not to experience all the wonderful things life has to offer. Monogamy is merely a "societal norm" pushed by religion which we are all expected to conform to.

My wife and I have been married for 11+ years and are still very happy and in love. After many long discussions we decided to move forward in 2006 and seek out a perfect match for us. I know it may be difficult for most to understand but participating together in sexual activities with other sexy and secure couples has actually brought us even closer together. And why on earth would we ever have the desire to cheat when we can fulfill all of our deepest sexual fantasies together? If anything, it has spiced up our love life at home. I consider myself a VERY lucky guy.

Now don't everyone start wigging out. It is far more normal than anyone would ever expect. Many couples think about swinging but few are secure enough in their relationship to engage in such activities. We are extremely secure, have no jealousy issues, very happy and are totally in love. We are also very safe and very picky about our potential playmates. We seek out other married couples who are the same and particularly those who we would want as best friends.

Just wanted to know other people's thoughts on the subject. However, negative comments will not change our feelings on the subject. We are simply having WAY to much fun. And hey, that's really all it is...just fun.
 
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Steppen-Wolf

Well-known member
If you really think about it monogamy is a rather absurd concept in the way it's "imposed" by society. We all grow up being taught to expect our perfect match with whom we'll marry and be faithful to for decades and decades until we die.

But reality tells us otherwise. Most people don't have the moral values, willpower or honesty to resist the inevitable temptations that will come. So that supposed fairy tale often ends in betrayal and legal fights. What's the point of that?

We should be free to do what makes us happy as long as we don't hurt anyone else. If you want to have sex with everything that moves then do so, it's your life, but don't lie by telling someone you "love" him/her and that you'll be faithful. It's childish, it's wanting to have your cake and eat it.

So while I personally don't think I would ever be interested in something like swinging I do admire people who have the maturity to be honest with themselves and their SO about what they want, instead of pandering to what's "normal" and end up making everyone involved miserable.
 
vj288

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
HHDisturbed said:
Now don't everyone start wigging out. It is far more normal than anyone would ever expect. Many couples think about swinging but few are secure enough in their relationship to engage in such activities. We are extremely secure, have no jealousy issues, very happy and are totally in love. We are also very safe and very picky about our potential playmates. We seek out other married couples who are the same and particularly those who we would want as best friends.
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Well, personally whatever makes other people happy is ok with me, I have no problem with swingers. I imagine for a lot of people though, the thought of your significant other being with someone else makes their skin crawl though, even if it's purely physical with everything else being platonic. Not everyone's like that I guess, but a lot of people are, I know am. Maybe it has to do with ^ that above, or also that some people view the physical relationship as an extension of their relationship on an emotional level. In that it's not "just sex" for some people. Everyone's different though, and when it comes down to it whatever makes you both people happy is all that matters.
 
HHDisturbed

HHDisturbed

Well-known member
A lot of people might wonder why I decided to post this thread and open myself up to possible ridicule...well you know when you have this incredibly naughty secret that you are just dying to share? Well that's pretty much it. Besides, I am still fairly anonymous here.

To be honest, we don't like the term "swinger" applied to us. To us that implies that we will have sex any time with anyone and everyone and that is NOT the case. For one, we are extremely selective. Secondly, we seek out long term "exclusive" relationships with another married couple who is the perfect fit for us. (pardon any puns). And lastly, we only participate on occasion. But we are undoubtedly on the softer side of things compared to a vast majority who engage in these activities.

Also, I am not trying to sell the concept of swinging to others. It is not for everyone and that is a good thing. We often tell "newbies" that if you don't have complete security in your relationship and 100% trust in your spouse or those you play with then STOP because it will likely cause problems. It is intended to be a positive and exciting experience...not destructive.

To vj288: In that particular realm it is "just sex" without emotion. It's just 4 of us having fun together. Then we each go home and feel like teenagers all over again. This after effect occurs because it is so good for your ego to feel "desired" by someone other than your spouse. It's a high that lasts for days.
 
G

gazelle

Well-known member
Not for me either. From my perspective, no matter how tough a woman claims to be, she'll get emotionally attached to a man after a physical encounter. Sometimes men can also get attached.
An open relationship to me, sounds more like a mess involving various people with unnecessary bonds and attachments created between them.
There's always the risk of attachments being formed, we're humans beings after all.
 
HHDisturbed

HHDisturbed

Well-known member
Hi Gazelle. I see what you are saying but in our case this is not an issue. We form bonds as "best of friends" with the other couple. We have social fun with them as well with things like dinner, drinks, seeing a show, going dancing, having a BBQ, going camping...just like any other friends. The only difference is that we all share the same naughty secret.

Here's a good one for all of you and 100% true: Although we decided not to play with them, we met an active U.S. State Senator and his wife this way. They were a very sexy couple but that just freaked us out a bit. (Please don't ask which state, and no, it wasn't Anthony Weiner, LOL)
 
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Capsaicin

Capsaicin

Well-known member
I really don't care what consenting adults decide on in their sex life. They can assess their own interests, abilities, risks, and rewards. What irritates me is when it's painted as either you're interested in open relationships or you're insecure, and either you're interested in open relationships or you're just going to have to tolerate being unsatisfied with your one partner.
 
HHDisturbed

HHDisturbed

Well-known member
Hi Capsaicin. I'm glad that I did not present it that way. However, those couples wanting to try swinging had better have a very secure and trusting relationship or it is likely to create problems that can lead to marital demise. Also, I am very satisfied in my marriage. Playing TOGETHER with others has only enhanced the already wonderful sex life we share and has brought us even closer.
 
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Pacific_Loner

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
Kiwong said:
My fear of people and anxiety is much stronger than my urge to have sex.
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I was going to say something similar :p

I've never felt this "urge" to have sex with someone else when I was in a couple, so I don't think this concept would work very well for me, but I know it does work well for some others who are more likely to be unfaithful.
 
L

laure15

Well-known member
That's very brave of you to open up about this. It reminds me of the friends with benefits thing but in open relationships, I guess each partner is allowed to have his/her own friends with benefits. I remember watching a talk show about it, and some celebrities like Will Smith and his wife have admitted to it.

I am sort of in the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm one of those people who don't want to have romantic relationships, but we're pressured by society to hook up and have children. I know my parents would love to have grandchildren, but having a partner and kids just isn't the life for me.
 
kilojoule

kilojoule

1
I don't really have an opinion either way. I'm intrigued by the thread.

I suppose there's a few factors that determine people's attitude toward monogamy

*religion
*culture-> social norms
*media
etc
etc
etc


But the one that intrigues me is the brain chemistry behind monogamy v open relationships. I can see there could potentially be problems for a couple engaging with multiple sexual partners depending on each individuals genetics. Variations in receptors influence bonding with sexual partners. Vasopressin and oxytocin stongly influence bonding in humans. It's a really interesting concept.


I was looking for a more recent study but my battery is low so I'll post these articles for now if anyone is interested.

http://http://www.americanscientist.org/issues/pub/high-on-fidelity


http://http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn14641-monogamy-gene-found-in-people.html#.UeSVCtK-qFY
 
Odo

Odo

Banned
I don't really care what other people do in their relationships. If you're having fun, then that's great... not sure why you would even care what other people think as you're obviously able to find people who agree with you.
 
HHDisturbed

HHDisturbed

Well-known member
laure15 said:
That's very brave of you to open up about this. It reminds me of the friends with benefits thing but in open relationships, I guess each partner is allowed to have his/her own friends with benefits. I remember watching a talk show about it, and some celebrities like Will Smith and his wife have admitted to it.
Click to expand...

What we have is a little different. We NEVER play separately, only together and only with one couple. It has never really been about just having sex with someone else but rather to share our fantasies together. I guess you could say that our favorite stuff are all those things you can't do with just two. Again, we are not harming anyone, it's all consensual and it's just some very extreme occasional fun. (Oh, and the wives are bi...did I mention that?) LOL

To ODO: Just needed to share a dark secret and it felt good to do so. Normally we would never tell anyone but this seemed like a safe place.
 
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Flanscho

Flanscho

Well-known member
Well, according to several scientific studies, relationships are moving away from a rigid two person thing and towards open relationships. And I think that this makes sense. Of course, if two people in a relationship are perfectly happy, then there is no reason to change that. However, it simply makes more sense...

Like, if there is a couple and they love each other. And she is heavily into BDSM and kinky stuff, and he is not... Even if that's the only thing that is really different between them, that will be most often the end of a monogamous relationship. If they'd have an open relationship, she'd just do the kinky stuff with someone else, and he wouldn't have to worry about forcing himself to do something he dislikes just to keep her happy. Or, to make her unhappy by forcing her into a monogamous relationship where he is not able or willing to fulfill her needs. Same with about everything that is important to a person. In an open relationship, it's not your responsibility to keep the partner happy in each and every way. You can be a great partner, lovable and fit to him/her in many things, but you don't have to be awesome in each and everything. It takes a lot of stress off yourself and off the relationship.

Or think about long distance relationships. Or relationships where one person often has to be away for weeks or months. In an open one, you don't have to worry about the partner being "starving" in one way or the other. You don't have to have a bad conscience for leaving the partner alone.

Or relationshipers with bisexual partners. The person can have a partner of any desired gender.

And you also don't have to deal with jealousy anymore. If you trust your partner, and you know that he/she loves you, why be jealous?

Now, the relationships I had so far were monogamous. The current one too, but it's not strict. We say "sure, if you want to have sex with others, go on, but tell me then as well". So far we didn't. But we cuddle with others. Just last week, I was with three friends in a park. It was a lush summer evening, we had blankets and cream puffs and there were fireflies flying around. I'm in a long distance relationship, two of the others are a long term couple, and the last one is in a quasi relationship with someon. So, of the couple that was with us, the woman cuddled with me, and her boyfriend cuddled with the fourth one. And it was nice. Everybody had someone to cuddle. I didn't feel left out, just because my partner was a hundred miles away, and the fourth one didn't feel left out either, because her partner is right now superbusy with studying. And the couple that was there didn't mind who was cuddling with whom.

So, I think that, in theory, open relationships are great. They pose dangers too though. For example, if only one person in a relationship makes use of the "open" one, and the other doesn't, for any reason. Then that might become unbalanced.
 
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