online dating

[MikeyC]

But remember to do it just if it's important for you to have sex, like OceanMist (congratulations, by the way ), not for anything else. Personally I think I will be a virgin for quite a while because it's not easy to find what I'm looking for. I don't want sex, I want love (honestly, I couldn't care less about sex itself). Remeber you can regret it if you forget what you really want

You make a good point. Being a virgin isn't a burden on my mind, but I would like to experience sex. I think once I do it once, I might be able to have more confidence for subsequent sexual encounters. I just need to push through for that first one.

It's certainly not easy to find exactly what you're looking for (for men and women). I hope you do soon, mate.

 

[Mr.Prez]

lol this may start to turn into a relationship thread, but I think sex is an important part of love and a relationship. Like how do you get close to someone without having some sort of feelings of arousal especially when you're sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings with someone else and they're sharing the same with you. It's natural... you just want to get closer and closer as you realize just how you feel about them and they realize how strongly they feel about you.

Wow I'm so single lol

 

[Kiwong]

The whole thought of dating and any thought of sex seems so complicated. It's not even something I want to contemplate, let alone obsess over. I know for some people this sort of thing is very important, but for me I am not interested in that type or interaction. My life now is as uncomplicated as it has ever been. I like it, I don't need to change.

Entering a relationship of any kind would need to greatly improve my circumstance for me to even contemplate it.

 

[1BlackSheep]

Relationships, sex, etc. can be a double-edged sword, giving you the highest highs and the lowest lows. While I'd love to find that special someone again, I'm not sure I want to through all of the complications it brings! Maybe if/when the right person comes along - who knows...

 

[OceanMist]

I've been really depressed lately, like dangerously depressed. The minute the sex was over with I had that anxiety attack and ever since then I've become a zombie basically.

I can't stop thinking about my life and replaying what happened with her in my head. It's mainly my life though, that's the problem.

I'm different now. Something happened to me after I had sex, and it hasn't been very good. I had this sick urge to want to fight people yesterday and today, and I never feel like that. I feel really gloomy and hate my loneliness. I feel lonelier than ever. I'm having monster depression.

I stopped playing video games, those seem meaningless right now. Television and movies are now boring to me.

I hate myself now. I just hate my anxiety and how it's controlled my life and stopped me from connecting with women. She responded to my text and that was it, we haven't even texted besides that. I think she's just another woman that isn't attracted to me.

Yes, that sounds crazy to a lot of you, that she had sex with me yet isn't attracted to me, but I think it's true. I was there in that room with her. Everything she did was out of kindness, not love. She isn't attracted to me, she just wanted me to feel good. I have a problem with that. I want a woman to love me as a person and make me feel good. I hate it, I hate how no women ever can connect with me one on one and love me. I always have to be the shy guy that isn't socially confident enough to be with them.

Like i said, the last thing she said is that I'm sooooo shy. That's always the freaking problem. It defines me to these women. It's always, "he's the shy guy." That's always how they observe me, even women walking past me on the street. I'm sick of this crap. I hate myself. I hate how I'm so different. I hate how I'm alone socially.

This sucks so bad. It's like I can't live. I can't function. There is always this gigantic problem with me looming in women's minds. Apparently it shows up on a catastrophic level now after a woman has sex with me.

Yeah yeah, I'm glad I finally had sex and all that. The anxiety problem is bigger though, it's why I'm alone on a Friday night again.

 

[MikeyC]

I can understand your feelings, mate, but you have actually made progress here. Fighting through your anxieties to actually have sex is a good step. You may not see it now but that's a good way to lower your anxieties to talk to women in the future. If you can fight through your nerves to have sex - the biggest of intimacies - then talking to women will be an easier battle to conquer.

There's women out there for you, mate, whether you're shy or not. They may not show themselves immediately, but they are there.

Also, you won't be the last person to have sex with someone you don't like. It happens all the time. Alcohol...!

 

[SM1010]

Fighting through your anxieties to actually have sex is a good step. You may not see it now but that's a good way to lower your anxieties to talk to women in the future. If you can fight through your nerves to have sex - the biggest of intimacies - then talking to women will be an easier battle to conquer.

Well said.

 

[coyote]

Also, you won't be the last person to have sex with someone you don't like. It happens all the time. Alcohol...!

marriage....

 

[MikeyC]

marriage....

Viagra....

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

Also, you won't be the last person to have sex with someone you don't like. It happens all the time. Alcohol...!

marriage....

Viagra....

Roofies.... O___O

Edit: I totally just killed this thread, didn't I? ::

 

[this_portrait]

I've been really depressed lately, like dangerously depressed. The minute the sex was over with I had that anxiety attack and ever since then I've become a zombie basically.

I can't stop thinking about my life and replaying what happened with her in my head. It's mainly my life though, that's the problem.

I'm different now. Something happened to me after I had sex, and it hasn't been very good. I had this sick urge to want to fight people yesterday and today, and I never feel like that. I feel really gloomy and hate my loneliness. I feel lonelier than ever. I'm having monster depression.

I stopped playing video games, those seem meaningless right now. Television and movies are now boring to me.

I hate myself now. I just hate my anxiety and how it's controlled my life and stopped me from connecting with women. She responded to my text and that was it, we haven't even texted besides that. I think she's just another woman that isn't attracted to me.

Yes, that sounds crazy to a lot of you, that she had sex with me yet isn't attracted to me, but I think it's true. I was there in that room with her. Everything she did was out of kindness, not love. She isn't attracted to me, she just wanted me to feel good. I have a problem with that. I want a woman to love me as a person and make me feel good. I hate it, I hate how no women ever can connect with me one on one and love me. I always have to be the shy guy that isn't socially confident enough to be with them.

Like i said, the last thing she said is that I'm sooooo shy. That's always the freaking problem. It defines me to these women. It's always, "he's the shy guy." That's always how they observe me, even women walking past me on the street. I'm sick of this crap. I hate myself. I hate how I'm so different. I hate how I'm alone socially.

This sucks so bad. It's like I can't live. I can't function. There is always this gigantic problem with me looming in women's minds. Apparently it shows up on a catastrophic level now after a woman has sex with me.

Yeah yeah, I'm glad I finally had sex and all that. The anxiety problem is bigger though, it's why I'm alone on a Friday night again.

I can kind of relate to how you're feeling. I had (and still kinda do have) quite a few issues regarding sex after my ex broke up with me (I had never been in a relationship before then). I felt like I had been used, that I was just a toy to be played with in order to "lose it already." I still kinda feel that way, but I feel that I make more of a big deal out of it than my ex does, because to me, sex IS a big deal, but not in the sense that I need to have it often and with lots of different men (though I certainly desire it and enjoy it with the right man). For me, sex is a big deal in terms of emotion. That's why I could never sleep with a stranger. No one-night stands or casual sex for me.

However, sex is one of those things that just can't replace love and affection. Often people use it as a temporary fix for a long-term problem. If you could sleep with a woman who is practically a complete stranger on the first date, then you certainly can overcome your SA and be more confident around women. I don't deny that. But, overcoming SA and being more confident around the opposite sex takes time. Sex is one of those things that can be hollow, if there's no attraction or love (like I mentioned before, a quick fix). Love and affection, though, that takes a lot more.

 

[OceanMist]

I took a two hour nap and feel a lot better. I also texted her my true feelings about the situation and it felt much better after I got that off my chest. I think that was eating at me. She said it was okay that I'm shy and she isn't disappointed that I am shy.

I told her I am worrying too much. It's true. I have a big worrying problem, a lot of the time I don't realize I'm doing it. I keep worrying that I'm not good enough. I need to work on pleasing myself mentally and be okay with being different. I need to learn how to accept failure and not worry about it. I keep comparing myself with outgoing guys and it makes myself feel inferior.

Mikey is right. I put myself out there and risked rejection, and that was a big step. I got so caught up in worry that I lost track of an accomplishment and progress. I realized today that this is the most progress I've made in about 4 years with a real personal relationship outside of work. I hadn't hung out with a soul until that girl a couple nights ago. I should be applauding myself instead of being an angry, depressed person.

What I need to do is figure out the loneliness thing. Find some friends, or a consistent friend that I can talk to a lot in real life. It's the loneliness that is getting to me. Like Mikey was saying, I need to keep trying.

I wish I could say I won't be depressed so much, but depression and loneliness isn't always controllable for me. Maybe some day I'll conquer it by having a friend or friends that I love being with.

 

[MikeyC]

I'm glad I could help, OceanMist. You have already come forward in leaps and bounds by managing to go through with sex, so it's all going to be downhill from here. You have a good mindset about what you want to achieve so go for it.

For me, sex is a big deal in terms of emotion.

This varies from person to person, but sex is quite a big deal. I don't think your ex "used you," judging from what I know, but I guess that can't help how you feel about it.

 

[OceanMist]

I can kind of relate to how you're feeling. I had (and still kinda do have) quite a few issues regarding sex after my ex broke up with me (I had never been in a relationship before then). I felt like I had been used, that I was just a toy to be played with in order to "lose it already." I still kinda feel that way, but I feel that I make more of a big deal out of it than my ex does, because to me, sex IS a big deal, but not in the sense that I need to have it often and with lots of different men (though I certainly desire it and enjoy it with the right man). For me, sex is a big deal in terms of emotion. That's why I could never sleep with a stranger. No one-night stands or casual sex for me.

However, sex is one of those things that just can't replace love and affection. Often people use it as a temporary fix for a long-term problem. If you could sleep with a woman who is practically a complete stranger on the first date, then you certainly can overcome your SA and be more confident around women. I don't deny that. But, overcoming SA and being more confident around the opposite sex takes time. Sex is one of those things that can be hollow, if there's no attraction or love (like I mentioned before, a quick fix). Love and affection, though, that takes a lot more.

I'm sorry that you felt like you got used. I don't feel used, but if I had been used, I wouldn't have taken it well, I imagine. I didn't know how to react afterwards because I had just done something very intimate that I'd been avoiding for years. I felt shocked and confused because I was so worried about everything and my performance was so full of weird mistakes that I felt like she hadn't experienced before.

My body didn't know how to react to this new feeling and new experience.

As for love and affection, I think that is something that is all dependent on whether you have chemistry with that other person. You may be right that chemistry should be developed over time, I'm really not sure. All I do know is that love is something that is just there between people. It's total confidence that you love that person.

I believe people in love should always be 100% comfortable with their partner. Silences should never be awkward. Staring at eachother should be comfortable. Talking should always flow naturally, nothing should ever have to be forced. That's my view of love anyway, even though I've never been it.

You're right that having sex with that woman isn't going to fix my problem long-term. I didn't expect it to. There were multiple reasons I did it. I had a situation where I felt I had to know what sex is like. I was tired of waking up every day not knowing what that experience feels like. It was killing me just not knowing.

Then there was the fear. I just went like 12 years of not being in a sure position of an opportunity to have sex alone with a woman. Who was to say that if I passed the opportunity i just had up that it wouldn't be another 12 years, then another 12. Before I knew it, I could have been 50 and still a virgin. I didn't want to be in that position. By then, tons of women are going to have been married for years and finding a partner my age would be even harder. My time would have been running out. I wanted to have sex before I die.

I agree with you when you say sex is emotional. After having it, I don't see how people can say it's not a big deal. When I hear that some people forget their partners that baffles me. There is nothing more intimate than being inside someone.

 

[Mickery]

Like i said, the last thing she said is that I'm sooooo shy. That's always the freaking problem. It defines me to these women. It's always, "he's the shy guy." That's always how they observe me, even women walking past me on the street.

It's extremely unlikely that people will observe you that way just passing in the street, but as to the first part... is it possible you're contributing to this yourself? You said that what you did beforehand/during and that what a lot of SA-ers often do, is point out that you have anxiety issues, and shyness, and inexperience, and so on. And what you can end up doing is forcefully broadcasting all these things - almost certainly unnecessarily - and then becoming upset when people focus on it. So it becomes not that shyness defines you to women, but that you define yourself as a shy person to women.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

Well if she didn't like you, she probably wouldn't still be responding to your texts.

 

[OceanMist]

It's extremely unlikely that people will observe you that way just passing in the street, but as to the first part... is it possible you're contributing to this yourself? You said that what you did beforehand/during and that what a lot of SA-ers often do, is point out that you have anxiety issues, and shyness, and inexperience, and so on. And what you can end up doing is forcefully broadcasting all these things - almost certainly unnecessarily - and then becoming upset when people focus on it. So it becomes not that shyness defines you to women, but that you define yourself as a shy person to women.

Eh, she observed my shyness immediately. She told me the minute I walked in I looked very shy and nervous. During our intimate moments she immediately brought up that i was extremely nervous and told me to calm down. She did that multiple times. It wasn't until after we talked for two hours, then had sex, that I broke down and admitted my anxiety problem.

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling your partner the truth, that I have anxiety issues. When I don't do that, people often think I'm being cold and aloof on purpose because there are people out there that intentionally are jerks and they aren't shy, they are just jerks.

I actually thought I did good job communicating with her for how shy I am. I usually don't even talk to women, so it was a big step to be alone with a woman and having to talk.

As for defining myself as a shy person to women, I don't do that, because i practically never talk to women on a personal level. My actions speak louder than words especially in this case.

I think what you're getting at is that I need to shut up with the negative self-talk, and I definitely agree with that. I'll elaborate further on that with my next response to AsTimeBurns.

 

[OceanMist]

Well if she didn't like you, she probably wouldn't still be responding to your texts.

I know, I think you're right. That's why I said my rant wasn't entirely correct and I believe I overreacted. If she hated me, she would have ignored my texts.

What I've learned from all of this is that I'm being way too paranoid and negative. I'm viewing my shyness as the sole thing that people look at it when it's really not. She told me positive things but I all I could focus on was the negative.

I need to stop hating myself and using all or nothing thinking. I need more confidence in myself. I should be more confident, because I know that a lot of people that get to know me seem to like me in certain ways.

I'm obviously not her choice for a soul-mate but I need to recognize that she may like me as a person and maybe even intimately in certain ways.

I'm writing myself off as a failure when I didn't even fail. I've had a long past with this negative thinking and I've got to put it to a stop. I need to start enjoying myself. I had the best time of my life with her and found a way to pout about it. That's something that needs to change. I'll keep trying.

 

[Tino]

Still waiting for pics. Was she hot?

 

[OceanMist]

Still waiting for pics. Was she hot?

I'm going to keep that to myself. Sorry, man. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to tell anyone in real life what happened. I haven't even told my brother.

The reason I talk about it on here is because I'm anonymous, and so is she. I even took my own picture down that I posted.

She is too nice and respectful to be advertised over the internet as the woman who had sex with me.