Pacific_Loner
Pirate from the North Pole
I agree the photo is great! So simple but so original at the same time
My Life Today
- Thread starter neardeath
- Start date
Alienated
Well-known member
I wrote this in " Does anyone actually care about anyone anymore"
If you have any questions I can get you started with some new ways of thinking.
After years of abuse from others and myself, I ended up institutionalized in a treatment center for 2 1/2 years, then spent another 4 1/2 totally isolated by choice. You see my whole family is dead, and I have no one on Earth.
I have spent the last six years dissecting my life to find where I went wrong, and have learned I was my own worst enemy. And though rigorous self discipline and education, have reformed the neuro thought pathways in my brain. To essentially change the way I think and behave, to rebuild my life !!
But NO ONE knows what taking responsibility for themselves is any more !! They all just look at me with this STUPID look on their face !! Not ONE can say I am sorry for the loss of your family, or well done for changing your life !!
I was a alcoholic and drug addict of 30 years, and now I will be sober 7 years on 8-4-13 !!
I have taught myself human anatomy, psychology, inorganic and environmental chem., Greek, and Latin.... In the last 6 years.
And thank you for acknowledging how far I have come, there haven't been many. It has been one hell of a fight.... I was studying 16 hours a day for 6 years, and I still have no life.... But at least I can live in my own skin now. It's because I have come to the conclusion that the key to happiness is doing what you were meant to do. It's fulfilling your purpose...
And I have found that I can put all of my suffering to good use by helping others, my experiences give me true empathy and understanding that few are willing to give. And that is my purpose, and I am fulfilling my reason for being !
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neardeath
Well-known member
I can't believe it, but I have bike shorts, shoes, water bottles, tires pumped, and I am going to ride my bike on Park Point for the first time in my life. If it kills me, oh well.
Seriously, I am ready to walk out the door! I used to be quite a busy cyclist. Now, even going out on the bike scares me. I have a bike from '99 I am still in love with and it just sits in the corner. I told myself it's ridiculous to be afraid when riding used to be something I lived for.
Kinda fat for the shorts, but I sure couldn't ride without them! I will not be sending a photo.
Seriously, I am ready to walk out the door! I used to be quite a busy cyclist. Now, even going out on the bike scares me. I have a bike from '99 I am still in love with and it just sits in the corner. I told myself it's ridiculous to be afraid when riding used to be something I lived for.
Kinda fat for the shorts, but I sure couldn't ride without them! I will not be sending a photo.
neardeath
Well-known member
I am totally open to any help you can give. Thanks for caring.
neardeath
Well-known member
I rode the bike about ten miles. It was hard, but gave me a glimmer of joy. It was something I did with my partner. We thought nothing of riding 50 or 100 miles. Maybe that's why it's so hard to do it now - without her.
I left in the nick of time, as within two hours the temperature increased almost 20 degrees here.
Anyway, the ride was a miracle for me and a huge success. I should start riding every other day.
My grandson called tonight to see if I was okay. No one has heard from me since I got back to Minnesota with him early Sunday morning. I see the psychiatrist today. I really don't expect to find any help in that realm, but I'm going.
I left in the nick of time, as within two hours the temperature increased almost 20 degrees here.
Anyway, the ride was a miracle for me and a huge success. I should start riding every other day.
My grandson called tonight to see if I was okay. No one has heard from me since I got back to Minnesota with him early Sunday morning. I see the psychiatrist today. I really don't expect to find any help in that realm, but I'm going.
neardeath
Well-known member
11:00AM Just hung up the phone from making plans with kids, Mom, and grandson. That's a start in the right direction.
I also rode my bike again early this morning before all the tourists came out. My goal now is to ride every-other day. I can do that. There are good trails right out my door. I have no excuse, and losing some flab would help to raise my self-esteem. The trails and roads were abandoned so early in the morning, and it was so refreshing. We had 60's with low humidity, too!
I am feeling more hopeful, and I think I have recovered from last week's marathon-take-care-of-everyone-else event!
I've been scattering seeds in the weeds too long. Time to let go, find acceptance, pursue my interests, and trust God. My partner would want me to be happy. She'd be upset that I am crying for her 5 years later. Time to turn the page.
I'm getting out on the water before the end of the day. I need it!
I'd also like to thank Alienated for kicking my *** in the right direction.
I also rode my bike again early this morning before all the tourists came out. My goal now is to ride every-other day. I can do that. There are good trails right out my door. I have no excuse, and losing some flab would help to raise my self-esteem. The trails and roads were abandoned so early in the morning, and it was so refreshing. We had 60's with low humidity, too!
I am feeling more hopeful, and I think I have recovered from last week's marathon-take-care-of-everyone-else event!
I've been scattering seeds in the weeds too long. Time to let go, find acceptance, pursue my interests, and trust God. My partner would want me to be happy. She'd be upset that I am crying for her 5 years later. Time to turn the page.
I'm getting out on the water before the end of the day. I need it!
I'd also like to thank Alienated for kicking my *** in the right direction.
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neardeath
Well-known member
Sounds like you're getting into the adventures again. That's great!
Thanks, Mikey, I am! Or, I was.
Now I get to see my grandson, but I'm almost completely broke. I'll be lucky just to have gas money. :sad:
Very anxious about all of it today. How do I do it? Life changes by the hour. Can't stop crying.
anomicdeer
Well-known member
I wish there was enough of events in my city. I don't have a car yet so I can't go to the better cities that will have something going on. I do want to start doing this, also it will help with my son see this is what he probably should do. I want to get out the house and do stuff to help my anxiety. I want my son to so a lot so he won't become so shy and he will have a lot of experience in things that will look good on his resume, if those still exist in a couple of decades.
neardeath
Well-known member
I don't know if it changes my SA at all, but I do force myself to go out on a regular basis. Today it was church, and a friend there asked me for some help, so I did that. When I go out like that, I become exhausted quickly, so I slept all afternoon.
It's hard to always do the right thing for our kids, but the more experiences your son has, the better equipped he will be. Mine turned out okay in spite of me.
neardeath
Well-known member
Off to see the family. Like always, I'm anxious, but I'm plowing through it.
Finally, some precious, alone time with my grandson.
I put my nicotine replacement in a great spot and now I can't find it. Very worried about my memory these days. Seriously. I sure don't want to be smoking around him. I hate it, and I'm sure everyone else does, too!
Bart knows I am leaving. The neighbor will care for him. Later! :greeting:
Finally, some precious, alone time with my grandson.
I put my nicotine replacement in a great spot and now I can't find it. Very worried about my memory these days. Seriously. I sure don't want to be smoking around him. I hate it, and I'm sure everyone else does, too!
Bart knows I am leaving. The neighbor will care for him. Later! :greeting:
neardeath
Well-known member
Thanks, Mike! My worst are spiders and "pop-in's."
So, my kid starts the front brakes. Caliper brackets are shot. Bolts shot. Everything a pain. 3 bolts needed extra work. He worked from 4pm until 9pm and we are still looking for parts. Stupid Subaru! And he is doing this for free for me so I feel like a pain-in-the-butt PUTZ. Why does every thing have to be so hard? Every little thing. Nothing can ever just go smoothly.
neardeath
Well-known member
I am stranded because of the car, and feeling very anxious.
My son is so angry. I was like that at his age, and grew out of it. I blame myself for his reactions to things, as he learned them from me. Short fuse, lack of patience. He doesn't even realize how angry he comes across to others. In time, I learned how the anger was only hurting me, and now I do all I can to totally avoid it. Anyway, his anger and my anxiety do not mix, and I learned that last week on the long car trip!
I am praying and reading and hoping I can keep it together. My grandson is as sensitive as I am, and knocked on my door to see how I was doing after I went to bed. He is a kind-hearted soul.
I feel like my methods for coping are at an all-time low.
It seems so obvious why I have social anxiety. When I venture out, I usually pay for it in some way. I really want to give up on people, but I have to keep trying because I need to set a better example for my grandson than I did in my early life. I am just feeling so very incapable.
I suppose when someone dies, the family finds this website on the computer and reads the private musings of the crazy person. I don't know why I write this here. All I do is complain. It helps, somehow, to put the garbage down and leave it somewhere, but I am not sure this is the place.
My son is so angry. I was like that at his age, and grew out of it. I blame myself for his reactions to things, as he learned them from me. Short fuse, lack of patience. He doesn't even realize how angry he comes across to others. In time, I learned how the anger was only hurting me, and now I do all I can to totally avoid it. Anyway, his anger and my anxiety do not mix, and I learned that last week on the long car trip!
I am praying and reading and hoping I can keep it together. My grandson is as sensitive as I am, and knocked on my door to see how I was doing after I went to bed. He is a kind-hearted soul.
I feel like my methods for coping are at an all-time low.
It seems so obvious why I have social anxiety. When I venture out, I usually pay for it in some way. I really want to give up on people, but I have to keep trying because I need to set a better example for my grandson than I did in my early life. I am just feeling so very incapable.
I suppose when someone dies, the family finds this website on the computer and reads the private musings of the crazy person. I don't know why I write this here. All I do is complain. It helps, somehow, to put the garbage down and leave it somewhere, but I am not sure this is the place.
neardeath
Well-known member
All I did was offer to make dinner for my own kids, with a house full of food choices, and I don't know what to make.
It sounds trivial but in my mind it is so scary. I am not functioning well at all. 24 hours a day I have that painful physical feeling that I am going to cry.
It sounds trivial but in my mind it is so scary. I am not functioning well at all. 24 hours a day I have that painful physical feeling that I am going to cry.
Alienated
Well-known member
Try just to keep things simple, don't over complicate things. It's only scary because you see it that way, just look at it differently. It's food " Just eat it !!""
I know what you mean about physical pain that will ware you out, but so will the mental and emotional things you are putting yourself though. Anxiety is nothing more than fear of what MIGHT happen, not what will. And 9 times out of 10, what actually happens is a total surprise....
Odo
Banned
Too many choices can be a much bigger problem than too few. Maybe you could make a meal schedule in advance, post it on the fridge, and then you'll always know what to do!
neardeath
Well-known member
Thanks, Odo. I live alone and I am just visiting and trying to help out. I'm not used to cooking a full meal for others anymore.
mg:Day 3 of my visit. Grandson is a gem. Very loving.
The Twin Cities are too big and have too many people. You can't get away! I couldn't possibly ever live here again. People are insane in their cars. Someone had a post about the masks we wear. The ones that astound me are the masks people wear when they drive, threatening death every other mile as they bully their way through life. Can you imagine if everyone treated each other that way outside of the mask the car provides? We'd be shoving our way through the grocery store!
I am getting old. I just discovered a NASA channel on the DirecTV, then the next second I hit a wrong button on the remote and can't get the stations back! AAAGGH! Yup. Right along with Betty White here.
Living on next to nothing, the next week is going to be a challenge. :question:
I was honest with my son last night in a loving way and we actually talked about his anger and my anxiety for a few minutes. Even though he has that anger edge, he's great in every other way. He even calls me from work when I'm here at his house to see what's up. I can see he feels exactly as I did at his age. Poor kid.
I told him my anger story again and how I learned it was hurting me so badly. I can't stand being angry anymore, but I think it's hidden, lying suppressed somewhere in my brain stem.
Can't wait to get back to the big lake. Grandson is going to visit ME next week, so that will be way more fun being alone with him in the northland. The Tall Ships festival is in town, too. I love that more than anything. We are going to have a helluva good time for free. :bigsmile:
The last time I saw him was during the Tall Ships festival three years ago.
Still no TV. :crying: No NASA for me. I found out you can get e-mail/texts telling you when the ISS is visible in your zip code. Pretty cool.
neardeath
Well-known member
Tall ships. My favorite part is seeing the first mast appear on the horizon. Then you see how tall it really is when it comes into view. Then more and more ships appear. There should be nine of them today. Love this. I am parking my butt on the beach today. They are expecting 200,000 for the event.
The cat sure was glad to see me come home.
Two lug bolts sheared off when we removed a rear tire. Is it because of the aluminum wheels? Anyway, my son is replacing the bolts on all wheels on this '01 Subaru because of it. Weird. Said he's never seen it before. Anyway, I get to drive his cool truck for the rest of the week.
I got into another pair of jeans I couldn't wear before, and that is a miracle!
My kayak is stranded with my car. I guess I can live without it for a week. It is the best physical therapy I have for what ails me, though.
The cat sure was glad to see me come home.
Two lug bolts sheared off when we removed a rear tire. Is it because of the aluminum wheels? Anyway, my son is replacing the bolts on all wheels on this '01 Subaru because of it. Weird. Said he's never seen it before. Anyway, I get to drive his cool truck for the rest of the week.
I got into another pair of jeans I couldn't wear before, and that is a miracle!
My kayak is stranded with my car. I guess I can live without it for a week. It is the best physical therapy I have for what ails me, though.
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