My Life Today
- Thread starter neardeath
- Start date
neardeath
Well-known member
I was not impressed in the least with Bob Dylan last evening. At least it gave me something to look forward to for a few days.
So most of my bills are paid automatically, but I still have to figure out where I'm at every time. I always put this off, because it's always bad news. Why do I make myself suffer indefinitely for the inevitable? It's a silly behavior.
The endless fog for days on end has cleared. I would rather get out in the boat than do all the errands. Of course, if I do all the errands dressed in kayak attire, I could just put in somewhere for an hour. It's the only time I spend where the world feels right. So grateful for that.
Tonight I am making a commitment to go to the astronomical society meeting in town. It would be cool to meet some thinking folks with telescopes! Anyway, it's been a goal of mine to attend this meeting after a planetarium show, so tonight is finally the night! Studying astronomy is something that really keeps me going.
Sometimes I need to be around people who model a different way of living. I often wonder if the fact that most of my dear friends are depressed and have other mental disorders prevents me from seeing other ways to live.
I also get these benefits from volunteering. The other volunteers usually seem to be happy, growing people who look for the best in life. Anyway, I am looking for these other opportunities for a nice change of pace.
Whether it be the planetarium or the food kitchen, it's all still hard for me to attend and I always have to force myself. I am desperate, though, for a lasting change, so I am stepping out. Writing it down here is making me more accountable.
Hoping for clear skies for night viewing tonight!
Two days until the 2500 mile weekend! Yikes!
So most of my bills are paid automatically, but I still have to figure out where I'm at every time. I always put this off, because it's always bad news. Why do I make myself suffer indefinitely for the inevitable? It's a silly behavior.
The endless fog for days on end has cleared. I would rather get out in the boat than do all the errands. Of course, if I do all the errands dressed in kayak attire, I could just put in somewhere for an hour. It's the only time I spend where the world feels right. So grateful for that.
Tonight I am making a commitment to go to the astronomical society meeting in town. It would be cool to meet some thinking folks with telescopes! Anyway, it's been a goal of mine to attend this meeting after a planetarium show, so tonight is finally the night! Studying astronomy is something that really keeps me going.
Sometimes I need to be around people who model a different way of living. I often wonder if the fact that most of my dear friends are depressed and have other mental disorders prevents me from seeing other ways to live.
I also get these benefits from volunteering. The other volunteers usually seem to be happy, growing people who look for the best in life. Anyway, I am looking for these other opportunities for a nice change of pace.
Whether it be the planetarium or the food kitchen, it's all still hard for me to attend and I always have to force myself. I am desperate, though, for a lasting change, so I am stepping out. Writing it down here is making me more accountable.
Hoping for clear skies for night viewing tonight!
Two days until the 2500 mile weekend! Yikes!
neardeath
Well-known member
Isn't it amazing how much you have to do to get ready for a trip? For me, it stems from being a Camp Fire Girl LOL. I'm getting it done. I leave early tomorrow.
With all of the details, it's hard to keep focused, even with my lists.
My mechanic thinks the car will make it the 360 mile round trip to my Son's. He's going to have to take it from there!
I freaked out lost my keys for about 1-1/2 hours. Found them in a drawer where I'd never put them. Lost keys are a lifelong problem going back to my drunk-under-the-piano days, and looking forward to my days of Alzheimers. At least my car got cleaned out in the process.
Going to plasma, then sit back with a mixed beverage and save the packing for the morning. Pack light. Yeah, right.
I am trusting a neighbor to care for the cat. It's the best for the cat. Hope I don't get ripped off. I've known her for six months. Wish me luck.
Cat-boarders get you every which way. They require you to have every single vaccination, even though they live in an apartment. You have to spend $80 to even get them in the door. I just adopted him 7 months ago. You'd think he had all his shots! Thanks for listening, but this week there has been a brick wall in every direction.
A little more running and I am almost ready. I did it. Better pack some creature comforts for the long 2400 mile run. Going straight through. I'm too old for this crap!
P.S. I never made it to the planetarium. Exhaustion overtook me.
With all of the details, it's hard to keep focused, even with my lists.
My mechanic thinks the car will make it the 360 mile round trip to my Son's. He's going to have to take it from there!
I freaked out lost my keys for about 1-1/2 hours. Found them in a drawer where I'd never put them. Lost keys are a lifelong problem going back to my drunk-under-the-piano days, and looking forward to my days of Alzheimers. At least my car got cleaned out in the process.
Going to plasma, then sit back with a mixed beverage and save the packing for the morning. Pack light. Yeah, right.
I am trusting a neighbor to care for the cat. It's the best for the cat. Hope I don't get ripped off. I've known her for six months. Wish me luck.
Cat-boarders get you every which way. They require you to have every single vaccination, even though they live in an apartment. You have to spend $80 to even get them in the door. I just adopted him 7 months ago. You'd think he had all his shots! Thanks for listening, but this week there has been a brick wall in every direction.
A little more running and I am almost ready. I did it. Better pack some creature comforts for the long 2400 mile run. Going straight through. I'm too old for this crap!
P.S. I never made it to the planetarium. Exhaustion overtook me.
neardeath
Well-known member
I'm out of here in a few hours. Way out of my comfort zone. Road trips don't excite me anymore, especially heading out east!
I got a neighbor to watch the cat. Hope she is trustworthy. Oh well.
I pray for a safe trip, and that his mother doesn't find a way to prevent him from leaving with us again. I don't even remember how many times my son has come home without him. Grieving for someone you miss is even worse than if they were dead.
I'm also afraid of my emotions. I am meeting my extreme love and extreme grief/pain in this transaction. Why is crying so hard? I will cry my eyes out when I put my arms around that kid!
At least there are tons of things to do in this town that are free. I am broke, as usual. He loves the big lake. We have a lot in common.
I got a neighbor to watch the cat. Hope she is trustworthy. Oh well.
I pray for a safe trip, and that his mother doesn't find a way to prevent him from leaving with us again. I don't even remember how many times my son has come home without him. Grieving for someone you miss is even worse than if they were dead.
I'm also afraid of my emotions. I am meeting my extreme love and extreme grief/pain in this transaction. Why is crying so hard? I will cry my eyes out when I put my arms around that kid!
At least there are tons of things to do in this town that are free. I am broke, as usual. He loves the big lake. We have a lot in common.
neardeath
Well-known member
36 hours of driving straight through. Round trip, approx. 2400 miles. Grandson is now in Minnesota.
I am batty as hell. Haven't gone that long without sleep in a very long time. It felt like the kind of crazy thing we planned as kids back in the day. Anyway, the reason for the quick trip was my son's amazing new job , so he has to be back on Monday. Son #2 is too much like me sometimes. He's a great guy, but his dark side probably equals mine. :question:
The great news is, that my grandson and I are good to go. He is even better than before. I'll have him around for awhile, and at 11-1/2, I'm planning a proper adventure.
I was in some real nasty places in my mind during the trip. I should call someone tomorrow, seriously. How can I think like this? I think I need a 24/7 therapist-by-phone.
There are many decision to be made in order to make the most of this. It's one thing if you have regular communications, but his mother stops almost all interactions between us. She doesn't even know me. To me, she is just punishing him for having other loved ones.
So, now I have to start over (it's been three years) because my memory is bad and I have to gear up to being Grandma material in my mind again. He is the most important person in the world to me. I hope I do okay.
Favorite quote from a movie; (Grumpy Old Men) "Kids, you can't live with 'em and you can't shoot 'em!"
I got to drive a Fiat Abarth 500 for two days. It's like a little turbo go-cart!
Some Wisconsin patrol stopped me on a freeway at 3am to ask why my car is so loud, and what kind is it? WT???? Had to wake up son and grandson just to ask me that. Weird thing he asked for my license but didn't run it.
You guys out in SPW mean a lot to me. Thanks for being here. :blushing:
P.S. A long stressful car ride is no way to reconnect with grandchildren! I hope to take him camping, fishing, biking, and hiking while he's here.
I am batty as hell. Haven't gone that long without sleep in a very long time. It felt like the kind of crazy thing we planned as kids back in the day. Anyway, the reason for the quick trip was my son's amazing new job , so he has to be back on Monday. Son #2 is too much like me sometimes. He's a great guy, but his dark side probably equals mine. :question:
The great news is, that my grandson and I are good to go. He is even better than before. I'll have him around for awhile, and at 11-1/2, I'm planning a proper adventure.
I was in some real nasty places in my mind during the trip. I should call someone tomorrow, seriously. How can I think like this? I think I need a 24/7 therapist-by-phone.
There are many decision to be made in order to make the most of this. It's one thing if you have regular communications, but his mother stops almost all interactions between us. She doesn't even know me. To me, she is just punishing him for having other loved ones.
So, now I have to start over (it's been three years) because my memory is bad and I have to gear up to being Grandma material in my mind again. He is the most important person in the world to me. I hope I do okay.
Favorite quote from a movie; (Grumpy Old Men) "Kids, you can't live with 'em and you can't shoot 'em!"
I got to drive a Fiat Abarth 500 for two days. It's like a little turbo go-cart!
Some Wisconsin patrol stopped me on a freeway at 3am to ask why my car is so loud, and what kind is it? WT???? Had to wake up son and grandson just to ask me that. Weird thing he asked for my license but didn't run it.
You guys out in SPW mean a lot to me. Thanks for being here. :blushing:
P.S. A long stressful car ride is no way to reconnect with grandchildren! I hope to take him camping, fishing, biking, and hiking while he's here.
neardeath
Well-known member
My grandson is here for five very short weeks. I have transportation and money restrictions. It's all so complicated, but I have to be there/here/wherever with him as much as I possibly can. Missed opportunities will give me reason to feel bad later if I do not act. It's getting harder for me to organize/solve problems.
My thoughts are such that I think I should call a professional first thing tomorrow morning. I feel like I need a full-time mental health babysitter. My illness is very apparent. I've tried everything and nothing helps, except maybe a little talk therapy. A real therapist 15 minutes a day would probably help me a lot! No more meds. They never worked. I really need to be able to be there for this opportunity with my loving grandson.
Grateful for the forum. Writing helps me so much.
Praying for a new opportunity in the professional help world. I don't even know who to call any more.
My thoughts are such that I think I should call a professional first thing tomorrow morning. I feel like I need a full-time mental health babysitter. My illness is very apparent. I've tried everything and nothing helps, except maybe a little talk therapy. A real therapist 15 minutes a day would probably help me a lot! No more meds. They never worked. I really need to be able to be there for this opportunity with my loving grandson.
Grateful for the forum. Writing helps me so much.
Praying for a new opportunity in the professional help world. I don't even know who to call any more.
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neardeath
Well-known member
Almost went to ER. Will wait and call doc tomorrow. They usually make it worse at the hospital. More stress for tired minds. More co-pays for low income humans. Such an f'd up system. They treat me like a criminal. Every time.
I don't even want to say here what I was thinking or where I was thinking it! There has to be a medication out there that I haven't tried yet that might help just a little.
I have no history of pursuing pharmaceutical drugs, yet the system still assumes I am a pill head. There has to be real help out there for those with mental health disorders. Might as well move to a state with a medical marijuana program! At least then I could smile and enjoy a few moments.
I don't even want to say here what I was thinking or where I was thinking it! There has to be a medication out there that I haven't tried yet that might help just a little.
I have no history of pursuing pharmaceutical drugs, yet the system still assumes I am a pill head. There has to be real help out there for those with mental health disorders. Might as well move to a state with a medical marijuana program! At least then I could smile and enjoy a few moments.
neardeath
Well-known member
I love Bob Dylan Gospel music. Aaron Neville covers this song on the "Gotta Serve Somebody" album. Here are the words to "Saving Grace."
If you find it in Your heart, can I be forgiven?
Guess I owe You some kind of apology
I escaped death so many times, I know I’m only living
By the saving grace that’s over me
By this time I thought I would be sleeping
In a pine box for all eternity
My faith keeps me alive, but I still be weeping
For the saving grace that’s over me
Well, the death of life, then come the resurrection
Wherever I am welcome is where I’ll be
I put all my confidence in Him, my sole protection
Is the saving grace that’s over me
Well, the devil’s shining light, it can be most blinding
But to search for love, that ain’t no more than vanity
As I look around this world all that I’m finding
Is the saving grace that’s over me
The wicked know no peace and you just can’t fake it
There’s only one road and it leads to Calvary
It gets discouraging at times, but I know I’ll make it
By the saving grace that’s over me
Copyright © 1980 by Special Rider Music
If you find it in Your heart, can I be forgiven?
Guess I owe You some kind of apology
I escaped death so many times, I know I’m only living
By the saving grace that’s over me
By this time I thought I would be sleeping
In a pine box for all eternity
My faith keeps me alive, but I still be weeping
For the saving grace that’s over me
Well, the death of life, then come the resurrection
Wherever I am welcome is where I’ll be
I put all my confidence in Him, my sole protection
Is the saving grace that’s over me
Well, the devil’s shining light, it can be most blinding
But to search for love, that ain’t no more than vanity
As I look around this world all that I’m finding
Is the saving grace that’s over me
The wicked know no peace and you just can’t fake it
There’s only one road and it leads to Calvary
It gets discouraging at times, but I know I’ll make it
By the saving grace that’s over me
Copyright © 1980 by Special Rider Music
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neardeath
Well-known member
I hope you enjoy your time with your grandson!
Thanks, Mikey.
I'm recuperating. Had a long night of sleep. Made a psych appointment for Friday. Have to work out how to maximize time with grandson with a bumping-along car and no money.
I am having the hardest time thinking and doing what needs to be done. My brain is like a pinball machine.
I am only able to do the basics right now. Wow, I took a shower.
Praying for some motivation.
Hoppy
Well-known member
I really understand that description, and are going to borrow that.
Good luck, I hope your time together is going to be fun.
neardeath
Well-known member
Thank you. I'm heading down to spend time after my shrink appointment on Friday. I can't believe I'm going to try more meds.
There's a NAMI meeting tonight. I hope I can get there. I'm not well.
neardeath
Well-known member
This is my best picture ever of Arlo. Going through all this without him is hard, but the cat tries to make up for it.
Last night, the cat knocked a huge wooden shelf filled with pottery to the floor. Perfect ending to one of the worst days ever.
I have so much trouble with photos, so I hope you can see it. He was sitting on my stomach and I was laying on the beach!
Last night, the cat knocked a huge wooden shelf filled with pottery to the floor. Perfect ending to one of the worst days ever.
I have so much trouble with photos, so I hope you can see it. He was sitting on my stomach and I was laying on the beach!
Attachments
AAAAAAAAwwwwwwwwww what a great picture! You could enter that in a competition!
erfect:
neardeath
Well-known member
AAAAAAAAwwwwwwwwww what a great picture! You could enter that in a competition!
Thanks, Joule, I should!