My Life Today

[neardeath]

Since I left my son's home in a hurry last Friday, I am just so depressed. Obviously, my son and I have some talking and forgiving to do. I don't feel quite welcome there at the moment. I don't know how to approach another visit. I may stay overnight with my Mom or my other son, and just arrange to visit my grandson. My son and I can work things out between us after Kobe has gone back to the east coast. I don't want my grandson to be uncomfortable.

It's been hard to motivate this week, and the red tape of life hangs in the balance while I am out by the water totally avoiding the whole mess. The water and activity is good for my soul, but it makes me more distant from what I "should" be doing. Maybe I should just stop shoulding on myself?

 

[neardeath]

I went to the monthly bonsai club meeting last night. It was really great.

The people were helpful and friendly, and in my age bracket. One guy has 100+ trees! It's been on my list of interests for years, so this will be fun.

We gave my chamaecyparis a haircut. I am hooked bad. I will be back there today, I bet.

There were only about 6 people there, and they are all busy doing something with their trees, so we don't sit down for any kind of meeting. It was easy to handle because I'm so interested in the hobby. A couple of the guys taught me stuff and spent the whole time with me.

I have a bucket list and I am serious about it. This was on it. :thumbup:

 

[neardeath]

It doesn't make sense that I can get myself out (with great effort every time) to these life events and try new things and take risks socially, but my brain is just sinking into mush.

There is no routine in my day anymore. I can't remember anything. I am always tired. My self-esteem is gone. If I knew where to turn for help, I'd do it.

God and my family keep me going.

Every day is a big blur. If I didn't keep this thread going, I wouldn't be able to tell you what happened most days.

I try really hard each and every day. I can't kick myself back into real living. I am at a steady pace of survival, but it's not for me, it's for everyone else.

Have I begun to lose my love and compassion? It seems it has all transformed into grief. I have feelings for all of you suffering on this forum, for my family and good friends, but most of my feelings turn to tears and grief.

I give myself an A+ for trying, but it feels like trying really is dying.

 

[Hoppy]

Have you ever done a sleep test?

One of the symptoms of sleep deprivation is bad short term memory. I myself have got sleep apnea and sleep every night with a CPAP machine, and it has made a big difference to me.

 

[neardeath]

Have you ever done a sleep test?

One of the symptoms of sleep deprivation is bad short term memory. I myself have got sleep apnea and sleep every night with a CPAP machine, and it has made a big difference to me.

Thanks Hoppy. I have one also and cannot sleep without it. I log between 8 & 9 a night, so I think I can rule that one out, too.

Sure does make a difference, doesn't it?

 

[MikeyC]

Plenty of sleep and your brain is still mashed potatoes? Do you have chronic fatigue? Maybe you're doing too much.

 

[neardeath]

I'm seeing an internal medicine person next month. I am not going to cancel it! Maybe have blood work done, etc. I am seriously thinking I may be taking after my Mom, just a bit earlier. My brains are mush. Totally.

Oh well, if I had Alzheimer's, people would probably treat me with more respect. People just don't "get" mental illness or disorders of any kind unless they've had first-hand experience.

 

[neardeath]

Took a walk, watching everyone else have fun at the local blues festival. At least I got some exercise and fresh air.

I'm attending a local amateur baseball game tonight in an old stadium I've never seen before.

I fed my bonsai's and stared at them half the day. They are so cool. My cat, Bart, loves them, too.

 

[neardeath]

Listening to the blues drift across two busy streets.

Looking at my bonsai trees. Anyone else here have bonsai?

It's noon, I have no plans, I don't drink much, but I'm cracking a cold one. Anyone in the vicinity is welcome to join me.

 

[neardeath]

going to the beach. Find a secluded spot, if possible. Can't wait until summer's over to dump all the dang tourists.

 

[coyote]

going to the beach. Find a secluded spot, if possible. Can't wait until summer's over to dump all the dang tourists.

I agree with every fiber of my exhausted, tourist beaten being :sad:

 

[MikeyC]

And when your summer ends, ours begins, and all the tourists will be at our beaches. Not that I mind if said tourists are beautiful women who enjoy a small bikini. :thumbup:

 

[neardeath]

Traveling again. My grandson leaves the state this Friday. I am so emotional about it all. The trips just knock me out. It will be so hard to say goodbye again. At least he's getting older and it will be easier to keep in touch.

I barely got by today. Overwhelmed with emotion. So tired of this feeling because it is constant. I wish we had a kills switch for the crying. I cry whether I'm happy or sad. I cry almost every time I open my mouth. What is wrong with me?

 

[neardeath]

5:40AM. I have much to do before I leave. I'm freaking out with the anxiety. Life was so much easier with two.

I feel quite desperate. I don't even want to go.

If I could only turn off my feelings for awhile . . .

 

[neardeath]

I'm here with my grandson, and we had a great day together. His face lit up when he saw me. I'm praying constantly to just keep my composure.

Haven't had a smoke in 24 hours. Yikes!

I hope I can hold it together another 24 hours, when I'll be leaving for home again. I know it's not goodbye, but see you later could mean another 3 years. He knows how much I love him.

I feel sorry for young people today. Jobs, more stress than ever, competition. My son and his wife (grandson's dad) has been sick, too, and working a brand new job during his stay here this summer. I can see their pain and relate to it, but it must be even worse to be young in the world today. Now they have to drive all the way to the east coast again this weekend.

I just have to get through this 24 hours, and after I leave, I can fall apart if I want to. Acceptance is hard.

I visited my other son yesterday, too. I love him so much, but we haven't got much to talk about. I don't understand how to have conversations anymore. I guess I just have to love him and accept that, too. He's always open to see me, but we just sit there not knowing what to do with each other. Maybe I'll make a list of possibilities for my next visit. He's meeting us at my Mom's later today. I'll have to get photos. She's going to be 91 next month.

 

[neardeath]

My little guy is still asleep. I'm going to watch him play at basketball camp before I leave today. Last night he gave me a hug I'll never forget. He stared up at me with so much love, and it went on forever. It was the most intimate moment I've had with another human being in a very long time.

We all watched the Chronicles of Narnia last night and when I said the girls in the movie cry as much as I do, he laughed hysterically.

He gets me a little, and it's okay. I feel accepted by him.

We visited my Mom yesterday, looked at old family photos, and played cribbage. Mom and my grandson both love that game. We got more photos of us together.

It's hard letting people into my world, even my own family, but at least a little of it sunk in for a change.

 

[neardeath]

I'm home again. Said goodbye for now. It's killing me.


My only friends are ALL extremely depressed/suicidal all of the time.

I read many threads here, and have great compassion and sympathy for what you're all going through, but I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't even know how to respond to the family/friends that I truly love.

I don't know what to say, how to help, what to do. I don't have any answers, but I sure do care. I read these posts and I know it's so hard for all of you. I'm crying at least once an hour during every waking hour now for years. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much.

If you're out there suffering, even though I don't know you, I do care.

 

[neardeath]

I've been thinking about adopting a second cat. I saw one I loved at the shelter today, but he had just been neutered and was kinda poopy. I thought I'd better sleep on it & go back and see how he's doing tomorrow. He was a sweet, grey tabby.

Then I wonder, what am I doing? I'm always broke. I spoil my pets, but can I realistically afford another one? No. It will be a sacrifice.

Then again, my pets are my best friends and provide a tremendous comfort. You can name your own adoption fee right now, and he was very cuddly.

I'm leaning toward going back for him tomorrow.

Uh oh, I even have a name in mind . . .

 

[neardeath]

I'm "sitting on the fence" with the cat thing. Leaning towards leaving things as they are. It sounds like introducing two cats can be a headache. I should just keep taking great care of the one I have. I can't save the world.

Indecision. Every day. Every part of life. I want to do things or go places, but I don't want to. Every little decision is hard to make because of the SA. It's a shame that I want to avoid the people I love.

Some women from a lesbian social group I attend are coming up tomorrow with their kayaks. I haven't seen them for a long time. I feel at ease with them, for the most part. I am looking forward to getting out on the water again, because fall is in the air already.

I have to fight every day to stay here and endure, so I might as well keep things interesting. Suicide is out of the question.

 

[neardeath]

I knew it! I got the cat! His name is Buzz (Buzz Aldrin, "Fuzz" Aldrin if you're an SNL fan). So far the intro is going fabulously, although the new cat is temporarily living in the bathroom. I wanted to follow all the introduction guidelines to a tee in order to prevent a bad scene, so I am willing to put up with it as long as it's needed.

So far, they are both very curious and this is going better than I thought it would.

I am feeling great today, so it must have been the right thing to do. I haven't felt this good in awhile now!

I have to be ready for Italian food at lunch and then a long paddle on the river with 3-4 other women. It's so cool that they all have kayaks.

Even better news, there was no adoption fee! He's a grey tabby with super short fur.