My Life Today

[neardeath]

I hope I can begin to change my thinking by sharing something each day. It's scary and I don't know what to say or how to say it.

Recently I started getting out to a lot of events that felt safe to me. I've done so much, attending things that interest me, but it hasn't made getting out any easier. I thought if I forced myself over the course of a few months it would get easier. All that effort didn't do any good!

My thoughts are so negative, starting with waking up each day with "oh no, I'm still alive." This has to change or life is not worth it.

I feel like I have gotten stupid with this poison in my brain. I am not the intelligent person I used to be.

I want to get back to having my adventures. There are just so many "what if's" in my brain that I talk myself out of everything now.

This journal is a long-shot for me, but sharing online may help get me back on track. I tend to try to stay more positive knowing someone will be reading this.

 

[neardeath]

I have never been this bad before. I have to come up with a new plan.

Hiding from people and problems has to stop. Try one more source of "professional" help.

I haven't seen my grandson in three years, but he is supposed to visit next month, and I don't know how to "pull it together" - not even for him.

 

[MikeyC]

You have kids and grand-kids. I hope they are enough to pull you through your current troubles.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. Hopefully it passes.

 

[neardeath]

You have kids and grand-kids. I hope they are enough to pull you through your current troubles.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now. Hopefully it passes.

Hey, thanks, MikeyC!

I took a few steps today to climb back up. I was doing quite well January through May. Today I looked over the list I had kept during that time. I was really getting out there!

List-maker that I am, I have written a calendar for the next couple of weeks of things I would like to attend, get done, etc. This is the only thing that seems to help me get out. I haven't kept a calendar for the past month, and that is a bad sign. It is bad. I haven't showered or changed in two days. I am heading there shortly! :thumbup:

I'm also going to haul my butt to the grocery store. Baby steps.

Bob Dylan plays on a stage less than 1/4 mile from my window on July 9th. Score for new apartment! There will be outdoor concerts - big ones - all summer. I also have to get myself together for my Mom's visit early next month. I have to be strong and prepared to take care of her. She is 90 and has Alzheimer's. It is very tiring, but she is still the happiest, healthiest person I know on the planet.

OMG and to top it off, it's been totally fogged in, raining, storming, windy for DAYS!!!! The foghorn is within 1/2 mile and it sure is loud in the mornings. It is hard to go out and do anything during this kind of "summer" weather. It's been in the 50's most days LOL. Even so, it's a great place.

Well, doing some planning and thinking this morning has made me talkative. I have wanted to live RIGHT HERE all my life (I am 54) and now that I live here, (just since end of March) I don't want life to completely pass me by.

I am also going to attend a NAMI group that I go to once or twice a month. I think it's appropriate to try to go every week for awhile. It's a good group, so I don't know why I avoid it so much.

Another great place to get out that's "easy" is the planetarium. It's free, on the bus line, and I don't have to socialize.

I'm just going to get up now, clean up, and try a little harder. My disease deserves some kind of help and if I don't get out of this chair, nothing is going to change.

No more :kickingmyself:

P.S. there is a really good daily meditation book for mental illness. It helps me stay on track, when I read it!

"A Restful Mind" Daily meditations for enhancing mental health - by Mark Allen Zabawa. Published by Hazelden.

 

[MikeyC]

If it's cathartic to write it all out, whether it be here or in a list, then do it! Sounds like there's some good places for you to go if you need to. :thumbup:

Having a concert area within walking distance from your house is very convenient.

 

[neardeath]

I got my list made for an appointment with a financial counselor. I have never done this before, but current circumstances are beyond me and I need some help.

The fog finally lifted in this town and I am going to 3 or 4 places today to do errands.

I haven't had a cigarette since Saturday night. Prices are going up in my state again and for the price of them they should at least get us high, right? I've been trying to quit for about 6 months again with short periods of success.

I finally replied to my brother's email about taking care of my Mom. My car has too many things wrong to transport her and make those long trips. She is too old to get stranded on the road with me. It would be my worst nightmare. Taking care of her in ideal circumstances is difficult! I hope he has some suggestions. I just can't afford to get everything fixed on my car overnight. It's an '01 Subaru and suddenly needs a lot of work!

I don't know what I'll actually get done today, but at least I am up with a plan in my hand in black & white. It's back to basics for me, because nothing else works. If I don't pick away at my illness by doing what is in front of me, I will certainly die.

So, I had a bad month in June. So what? I can start over. I am sick of living "near death," so here I go, out into the wild blue yonder. Once again, putting my best foot forward.

 

[neardeath]

If it's cathartic to write it all out, whether it be here or in a list, then do it! Sounds like there's some good places for you to go if you need to. :thumbup:

Having a concert area within walking distance from your house is very convenient.

I am serious about change. No meds have worked (ever), I have decided to give up entirely on the idea of suicide, so my only option is to fight like hell for my life.

 

[MikeyC]

I haven't had a cigarette since Saturday night. Prices are going up in my state again and for the price of them they should at least get us high, right? I've been trying to quit for about 6 months again with short periods of success.

I would never smoke. Not for the health defects. The sheer cost of smoking would bankrupt me. For that reason alone, I hope you can quit. You can save hundreds of dollars a month!

Yep, I don't even have to go outside or pay for a ticket to see these concerts. I live in a HUD subsidized building with a million dollar view. At least something worked out for me

Nice! :thumbup:

 

[Section_31]

Im glad to see your not giving up . Im enjoying reading your postings.

Some days will be easier than others, and some worse, but no matter what don't give up. We are here for you!.

 

[neardeath]

Im glad to see your not giving up . Im enjoying reading your postings.

Some days will be easier than others, and some worse, but no matter what don't give up. We are here for you!.

Thank you, it means a lot.

 

[neardeath]

I made it everywhere I had planned yesterday, except the grocery store. I hate that place. Too many decisions to be made. I never know what to buy to feed myself anymore. It's like my thinking process is nonexistent.

I almost talked myself out of going to the NAMI meeting, but I got in the car at the last minute. Tonight I'm going to try the larger once-a-month meeting where they have a speaker and refreshments.

The friend I had so many problems with called me again yesterday! I did not answer the phone. I don't know why someone would pursue friendship over and over like that when I was clear with her about the boundary issues, and she ignores everything I say. This is now bordering on stalking. Dang, what do I do now? Text her? Ignore her? Why is it always left in my lap? This is making me crazy.

It looks sunny and very calm today, so I hope to get out in the kayak. Between the cat meowing and the ships signaling the bridge in the morning, I can't sleep much past sunrise anymore.

So many forum members are suffering. I just want you to know, you're in my prayers.

 

[neardeath]

it finally got hot outside. My friend & I found a public access that I've never seen before and went kayaking all afternoon. The river there is about 2 miles wide, but the new place has many bays and islands for protection from the winds.

It was very relaxing. When I don't want to talk I just paddle ahead or lag behind. Ahhh, the perfect vehicles for social anxiety sufferers. So glad I did it. She is a person that doesn't understand the illness, but she's okay! :thumbup:

I still haven't been to the GROCERY STORE!!

 

[MikeyC]

It's amazing how anxiety affects people differently. You can't go to the grocery store, yet I do that every second day with no issues.

You go kayaking, and I couldn't do that at all.

Just interesting.

 

[Odo]

it finally got hot outside. My friend & I found a public access that I've never seen before and went kayaking all afternoon. The river there is about 2 miles wide, but the new place has many bays and islands for protection from the winds.

It was very relaxing. When I don't want to talk I just paddle ahead or lag behind. Ahhh, the perfect vehicles for social anxiety sufferers. So glad I did it. She is a person that doesn't understand the illness, but she's okay! :thumbup:

I still haven't been to the GROCERY STORE!!

I'm pretty similar to you, I think... I've been kayaking and scuba diving and been to the tops of really high mountains and have traveled to around 12 different countries, but I get so impossibly nervous in stores and restaurants and such that I can barely move. It's so completely ridiculous... the big things seem like less of a big deal than the small things. I think that I could go skydiving off of the moon before I could approach someone in public.

Thanks for sharing!

 

[neardeath]

It's amazing how anxiety affects people differently. You can't go to the grocery store, yet I do that every second day with no issues.

You go kayaking, and I couldn't do that at all.

Just interesting.

It sure is! :idontknow:

 

[neardeath]

I'm pretty similar to you, I think... I've been kayaking and scuba diving and been to the tops of really high mountains and have traveled to around 12 different countries, but I get so impossibly nervous in stores and restaurants and such that I can barely move. It's so completely ridiculous... the big things seem like less of a big deal than the small things. I think that I could go skydiving off of the moon before I could approach someone in public.

Thanks for sharing!

Another discrepancy; once I get out I do fine with people most of the time. It's just that getting anywhere is a cosmic effort every single time.

I so love travel, adventure, exploring. Have you read about the private companies offering space travel?

 

[Odo]

I so love travel, adventure, exploring. Have you read about the private companies offering space travel?

Me too.

I have (Virgin Galactic), but the tickets are soooooooooooo expensive. I've heard they're up to 250k now... there's just no way I'd ever be able to afford that.

Maybe the price will come down within my lifetime.

And I wish I could calm down when I'm out but it seems like if I get into anxiety mode every little thing creates extra tension. I could be talking to someone I ran into and holding it together relatively well (I probably don't look comfortable, but I can speak alright) but if someone walks behind me the wrong way at the same time, I freak out.

If we're sitting down I'll be alright but I probably won't be able to hold a cup full of liquid without using my other hand to steady myself. It's really embarrassing and the fact that it's over things that are so basic makes it worse... I think people start to not believe that I've done some of the things I've done in my life and think I'm lying because I have such a hard time with so many social situations.

Pretty much all big social situations like parties, concerts and office sports are out of the question... except, ironically enough, public speaking. Believe it or not, I've been completely at ease co-hosting an entire public event and even improvising a Q and A session that got laughs in front of hundreds of people... I've also been on TV without even giving it a second thought... but I still can't go into stores where I feel like people are going to recognize me and talk to me. It's so so so messed up.

 

[neardeath]

Me too.

I have (Virgin Galactic), but the tickets are soooooooooooo expensive. I've heard they're up to 250k now... there's just no way I'd ever be able to afford that.

Maybe the price will come down within my lifetime.

And I wish I could calm down when I'm out but it seems like if I get into anxiety mode every little thing creates extra tension. I could be talking to someone I ran into and holding it together relatively well but if someone is walking behind me, I freak out.

If we're sitting down I'll be alright but I probably won't be able to hold a cup full of liquid without using my other hand to steady myself. It's really embarrassing and the fact that it's over things that are so basic makes it worse... I think people start to not believe that I've done some of the things I've done in my life and think I'm lying because I have such a hard time with so many social situations.

Pretty much all big social situations like parties, concerts and office sports are out of the question.

These same difficulties in me seem to be caused by my negative thoughts about myself. I see myself as a big oaf.

 

[Odo]

These same difficulties in me seem to be caused by my negative thoughts about myself. I see myself as a big oaf.

Yeah me too!

I've spent so many nights alone just endlessly beating myself up over tiny, insignificant things that happened in 2005 or something... and they're not even a huge deal-- it could be something like saying the wrong thing or feeling out of place among people that I only met once and don't even know anymore... it's somehow impossible to get over these things, and they always seem to point to the conclusion that I'm an idiot or stupid or somehow inferior to everyone else.

 

[neardeath]

Yeah me too!

I've spent so many nights alone just endlessly beating myself up over tiny, insignificant things that happened in 2005 or something... and they're not even a huge deal-- it could be something like saying the wrong thing or feeling out of place among people that I only met once and don't even know anymore... it's somehow impossible to get over these things, and they always seem to point to the conclusion that I'm an idiot or stupid or somehow inferior to everyone else.

Yep, that's our illness talking. mg: