My Life Today
- Thread starter neardeath
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neardeath
Well-known member
Top priority right now is getting ready for Mom's 4-night visit this week. I was able to get some things done today.
Finances are haunting me, as I don't have enough to do all the traveling I have planned. I have to believe it will work out somehow.
I reserved my evening for the NAMI meeting again. Time to stick with the program.
Otherwise, we are at 61F while everyone else is baking. That is perfect summer weather, if you ask me. I'm short on words today. That's okay. Sending good thoughts to everybody.
Finances are haunting me, as I don't have enough to do all the traveling I have planned. I have to believe it will work out somehow.
I reserved my evening for the NAMI meeting again. Time to stick with the program.
Otherwise, we are at 61F while everyone else is baking. That is perfect summer weather, if you ask me. I'm short on words today. That's okay. Sending good thoughts to everybody.
neardeath
Well-known member
I haven't seen my grandson in three years time. He is coming and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity.
My problem is that I always feel so bad about myself, and of course I am and want to be a good grandma, but I don't know how to suddenly pull up my bootstraps to be the person I see in my mind's eye.
How do I go from dragging my butt everywhere, from being "neardeath," to suddenly loving, communicating, doing a little sight-seeing, sharing meals? I know he will be wonderful to be around. I just feel so lost and I can't seem to "put out" anymore, not even for my beloved family.
Being broke before payday and so many problems with my car doesn't help, either. I am really stressing.
I'd give my grandson anything, but feel like the well is dry. :kickingmyself:
My problem is that I always feel so bad about myself, and of course I am and want to be a good grandma, but I don't know how to suddenly pull up my bootstraps to be the person I see in my mind's eye.
How do I go from dragging my butt everywhere, from being "neardeath," to suddenly loving, communicating, doing a little sight-seeing, sharing meals? I know he will be wonderful to be around. I just feel so lost and I can't seem to "put out" anymore, not even for my beloved family.
Being broke before payday and so many problems with my car doesn't help, either. I am really stressing.
I'd give my grandson anything, but feel like the well is dry. :kickingmyself:
MikeyC
Well-known member
I don't think everyone will ever be 100% at this, no matter how calm and collected they appear to be on the outside. We just do the best we can with what we have.
Haha, yeah, sometimes.
neardeath
Well-known member
It only got up to 57F by the lake here yesterday. That's my kind of summer weather!
I have a short list to accomplish before Mom gets here today. I'm hoping for the best. We'll be repeating the same conversations for the next 5 days because of her Alzheimer's. She is, however, always in a good mood and she is actually the healthiest, happiest person I know on the planet.
The fireworks in town are right out my window, apparently, so she should love that!
I need to make a mental health plan for the next few days. It's so hard to take care of someone else and myself.
Cigs went up by $2.68/pack in Minnesota so I am trying to quit again. God, help me!
I have a short list to accomplish before Mom gets here today. I'm hoping for the best. We'll be repeating the same conversations for the next 5 days because of her Alzheimer's. She is, however, always in a good mood and she is actually the healthiest, happiest person I know on the planet.
The fireworks in town are right out my window, apparently, so she should love that!
I need to make a mental health plan for the next few days. It's so hard to take care of someone else and myself.
Cigs went up by $2.68/pack in Minnesota so I am trying to quit again. God, help me!
Odo
Banned
Yeah, you should definitely quit smoking.
I quit about two years ago… but for me it wasn't hard because they were making me seriously ill and seriously aggravated my anxiety as well. I quit cold turkey and every time I had a craving I drank lots of water and told myself that if I started again now it would get even harder to quit… I think that if you imagine an even bigger torture than the one you're going through when you get your craving, It really helps you focus. Plus, there's always the whole 'too lazy to go to the store' thing.
I wasn't as seriously addicted at the time as some people (I think I was up to about 5 per day, and more on the weekend)… but my dad also quit after smoking for 40 some years-- so you can do it too!
I quit about two years ago… but for me it wasn't hard because they were making me seriously ill and seriously aggravated my anxiety as well. I quit cold turkey and every time I had a craving I drank lots of water and told myself that if I started again now it would get even harder to quit… I think that if you imagine an even bigger torture than the one you're going through when you get your craving, It really helps you focus. Plus, there's always the whole 'too lazy to go to the store' thing.
I wasn't as seriously addicted at the time as some people (I think I was up to about 5 per day, and more on the weekend)… but my dad also quit after smoking for 40 some years-- so you can do it too!
MikeyC
Well-known member
It's the financial strain, not the health defects, that stop me from smoking. In Australia you can pay up to $30 for one packet! Forget that for a joke. Plus my parents smoke and it stinks. Will never, ever smoke.
Good luck with quitting, but I know how hard it can be, just from watching my parents' failed attempts.
neardeath
Well-known member
Thanks Odo, GirlInterrupted, and MikeyC! Quitting would also help my self-esteem tremendously. I know it would.
Ha! Having this stage out my window is kind of a pain. They are having so many concerts and I must be getting too old, because it all sounds bad. Oh well. Never a dull moment, anyway.
My Mom is all tucked in (since 6pm!) in my bed. She is so glad to be here. She has her face glued to the window all day, too. She loves the port cities.
Ha! Having this stage out my window is kind of a pain. They are having so many concerts and I must be getting too old, because it all sounds bad. Oh well. Never a dull moment, anyway.
My Mom is all tucked in (since 6pm!) in my bed. She is so glad to be here. She has her face glued to the window all day, too. She loves the port cities.
neardeath
Well-known member
Finding it totally impossible to take care of myself while taking care of Mom. The Alzheimer's is a rough one to deal with for anyone, but I have a hard time taking care of myself on a daily basis. This is extremely difficult.
I feel like I'm going to burst open. Not from anger, just from being overwhelmed. It's an intense situation in life for me. It all feels different suddenly. She is very frail. I am very frail.
I never imagined life could be this hard. So grateful for the outlet here.
I am forced to squelch the emotions here, because she just can't comprehend anything anymore. I sure never want to get that old!
I feel like I'm going to burst open. Not from anger, just from being overwhelmed. It's an intense situation in life for me. It all feels different suddenly. She is very frail. I am very frail.
I never imagined life could be this hard. So grateful for the outlet here.
I am forced to squelch the emotions here, because she just can't comprehend anything anymore. I sure never want to get that old!
neardeath
Well-known member
She has only been here 50 hours. I feel totally incapable.
The grief and emotion around my grandson's upcoming visit is also causing anxiety. It's very complicated. I have lost so much of myself since the last time I saw him (3 years ago).
I'm the problem here. My grandson is a joyful person to be around. It's just so hard to cope with life. Mom is taking a nap and I am freaking out here.
Thanks for listening.
The grief and emotion around my grandson's upcoming visit is also causing anxiety. It's very complicated. I have lost so much of myself since the last time I saw him (3 years ago).
I'm the problem here. My grandson is a joyful person to be around. It's just so hard to cope with life. Mom is taking a nap and I am freaking out here.
Thanks for listening.
MikeyC
Well-known member
Taking care of someone with Alzheimer's Disease is so difficult. Even someone with mild dementia can be hard work. You said you're only taking care of her for a couple of days, right? It'll be over before you know it. Make sure you reward yourself somehow when she's gone.
BlueDays
1
Yes Alzheimer's can put a huge strain on anyone caring for them at the best of times, let alone for someone struggling with life themselves.
Can you do some small things, that only take a little bit of time, you enjoy in between the caring responsibilities. Just to give your mind some refreshment here and there?
neardeath
Well-known member
Thanks, Mikey and BlueDays. Tonight is the last night she is here. I am taking mini breaks but my mind is overflowing and I am so out of my comfort zone.
I know that she knows there is something wrong with me, but every time I talk to her about depression or anxiety, she just doesn't have a clue.
I'm having a hard time not crying all the time with her here. I give my brother and sister-in-law the highest honors of the land for having this much patience on an ongoing basis.
I am certainly not enjoying any part of this life. Tired of pretending and trying harder.
I know that she knows there is something wrong with me, but every time I talk to her about depression or anxiety, she just doesn't have a clue.
I'm having a hard time not crying all the time with her here. I give my brother and sister-in-law the highest honors of the land for having this much patience on an ongoing basis.
I am certainly not enjoying any part of this life. Tired of pretending and trying harder.
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MikeyC
Well-known member
It'd be difficult to chat to an Alzheimer's sufferer about your problems, really. Only one more day to go. You can do it!
erfect:
neardeath
Well-known member
Mom is home now. I couldn't take care of both of us, so I took care of her.
She had a good time and loves this town as I do. She knows I love her.
The things we could do together are now very limited. She has really gone downhill since she was here last in April. She won't even be mobile much longer. It was all so very hard. More grief to add to the dump.
This weekend I am driving to Pennsylvania with my son to pick up my grandson. After missing him for three years now, I may finally get to see him. He is 11-1/2 and a sweet kid!
It would be nice if I could do just one thing comfortably, without excessive worry about the what-if's.
I got paid last week, but still haven't done my bills. I'm going to take my car to the mechanic and have him give me the bad news. I hope I can make the trip to my son's house in the car this weekend so I don't have to take a bus!
I'm also expected to stay there later this month because he and his wife work, so I'll have time to spend with my grandson. I'm puzzled by my sudden feelings that make it so uncomfortable to stay with family. I hate family expectations. I feel less than human.
On the upside, at 52F with a windchill, that's a good summer!
She had a good time and loves this town as I do. She knows I love her.
The things we could do together are now very limited. She has really gone downhill since she was here last in April. She won't even be mobile much longer. It was all so very hard. More grief to add to the dump.
This weekend I am driving to Pennsylvania with my son to pick up my grandson. After missing him for three years now, I may finally get to see him. He is 11-1/2 and a sweet kid!
It would be nice if I could do just one thing comfortably, without excessive worry about the what-if's.
I got paid last week, but still haven't done my bills. I'm going to take my car to the mechanic and have him give me the bad news. I hope I can make the trip to my son's house in the car this weekend so I don't have to take a bus!
I'm also expected to stay there later this month because he and his wife work, so I'll have time to spend with my grandson. I'm puzzled by my sudden feelings that make it so uncomfortable to stay with family. I hate family expectations. I feel less than human.
On the upside, at 52F with a windchill, that's a good summer!
neardeath
Well-known member
Panicky considering all that has to be done by Friday, and then the weekend jaunt to Pennsylvania (1100-1200 miles one way because son has to be back to work Monday). OMG I need some anxiety meds. Put that on the list.
I'm in one of those moods where I don't feel like doing ANYTHING.
Weather for Bob Dylan tonight doesn't look good. We've been socked in with fog for days. Predicting storms around concert time. They worked on the staging equipment all day yesterday. If the fog lets up and they play, I'll be in luck from my window again. The high by the lake was only 59F again yesterday
I have to try to trick myself into a mood change, because all these errands have to be done. It's my grandson, whose presence I have grieved for three years, yet I have trouble motivating? Life makes no sense. Again, feeling less than human, but I get an A+ for trying. Making the list will be a first step. Here I go.
~ wow ~ a few hours later and I knocked some stuff off my list. I did it! I kicked my butt into the right mode. If I don't do it, it is self-sabotage and I would be missing the trip. Now the next two days will be easier. This is such a boring tirade, but I have to plan and force myself and somehow writing helps. The trip will hopefully be laid back and enjoyable, other than the brutal schedule.
I'm in one of those moods where I don't feel like doing ANYTHING.
Weather for Bob Dylan tonight doesn't look good. We've been socked in with fog for days. Predicting storms around concert time. They worked on the staging equipment all day yesterday. If the fog lets up and they play, I'll be in luck from my window again. The high by the lake was only 59F again yesterday
I have to try to trick myself into a mood change, because all these errands have to be done. It's my grandson, whose presence I have grieved for three years, yet I have trouble motivating? Life makes no sense. Again, feeling less than human, but I get an A+ for trying. Making the list will be a first step. Here I go.
~ wow ~ a few hours later and I knocked some stuff off my list. I did it! I kicked my butt into the right mode. If I don't do it, it is self-sabotage and I would be missing the trip. Now the next two days will be easier. This is such a boring tirade, but I have to plan and force myself and somehow writing helps. The trip will hopefully be laid back and enjoyable, other than the brutal schedule.
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