My Life Today

[neardeath]

Just lost my phone . . . sorry for the rant. mg: Just found maintenance guy and he called my number. The phone was hiding in my bed that was already made. :bigsmile::bigsmile:

I chase after strings of lost items daily. I am very worried about early dementia. I am also worried about my sanity.

Something is lost, I get overheated and start to sweat, I start beating myself up, even though my house is very neat, uncluttered, and organized. I still lose stuff here every day. Every day. I wonder how many days of my life I have spent looking for lost items?

I thank God that I have it and will go on with my day now. Thanks for listening to my mindless chatter.

 

[neardeath]

I drove to the beach and swam in the freezing waters of Superior. It took a while, but I dove in. It was refreshing, but if you were in too long you'd get hypothermia.

I had a great time. Sun was hot. Burned my feet. Sat in a lawnchair and watched hundreds of boats welcoming the tall ships. That's my kind of day.

 

[neardeath]

It's only 57F with fog again.

My best friend is coming up on Sunday with her daughter, who is the same age as my grandson. I hope things go well, because I freak out having company, no matter who it is. It's sad.

I don't have a "best behavior" anymore. I know how much fun I should be having, but it never feels like that anymore. Every shred of joy spins in the cesspool of other thoughts. I have a few people who accept me as I am, but I still feel like the freak in each situation.

 

[neardeath]

FYI: My new avatar photo is actually my cat. I just wanna kiss his wittl' wet nose!

HAd a ton of fun with yesterday's photos.

Just getting ready for company and feeling a little better about it. I found a list of great things to do that are free, and we have lots of food, so all will be well. The point is to show the two kids a good time and that we love them. That shouldn't be so hard. So, all in all, feeling more positive.

I have actually accepted the fact that I am giving up on the suicidal thoughts. I can't live on the fence anymore. I am choosing God because, for me, He's the only hope there is. I am going to pursue the few things that really interest me, and try to give back to the community as often as possible. There are plenty of opportunities in this town.

Here are a few more photos from the beach yesterday.

 

[neardeath]

This is a funny video of all the boat traffic yesterday. I love it! The little puffs of smoke are from firing the canons.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6koUbQ785XU

 

[neardeath]

I've been sounding ridiculously chipper lately, well, most of the time.

If it's possible to reduce the symptoms of this disease by forcing myself to get out, I'll do it. Sometimes I actually think it's working.

I sound crazy, don't I?

I have company coming and I am totally broke. Ok, I am crazy.

 

[neardeath]

So, my grandson acts totally different around a girl his age. They are completely out of control and I can't even talk to him. They are having a great time, but me and my friend are sitting here wondering why we arranged this!

My OCD is going nuts because there are bags and crap EVERYWHERE. It's like an obstacle course.

Today, it's the beach and hope we wear them out early.

I am the first one up. It's the only peace I'll get all day. Having company is always difficult, especially when you're trying to keep four people happy.

 

[Odo]

LOL-- I think that having a little bit of trouble in your life can be a very good thing... especially when it's family! It sounds like you're having a blast.

 

[MikeyC]

So, my grandson acts totally different around a girl his age. They are completely out of control and I can't even talk to him. They are having a great time, but me and my friend are sitting here wondering why we arranged this!

Haha, he's scoping out the girls early. Sounds like you've got more to worry about now.

 

[neardeath]

LOL-- I think that having a little bit of trouble in your life can be a very good thing... especially when it's family! It sounds like you're having a blast.

I'm so grateful for the time with my grandson and my friends, but I've been on a social field trip for way too many days. I can't take it much more, but it's not ending until Saturday at this point.

It's very hard to take care of yourself and do the things you do with people and their stuff all over your house.

I think I have a pretty bad love/hate thing with life!

 

[neardeath]

Haha, he's scoping out the girls early. Sounds like you've got more to worry about now.

These two do get along famously. Especially after 48 hours or so, they are getting to be close friends. It's fun to see someone enjoy people so much. I don't get it. We were so busy yesterday that all of us slept in until nearly 10AM!

 

[neardeath]

I am going to see family again tomorrow, wondering how I can do this for a few more days, then the friend who was here this week needs me on Sunday for moral support. How can I say no, but how can I keep going and not be taking care of myself?

Suddenly every relationship on earth feels strained and I want to give up.

I am so incredibly stressed. So anxious. So depressed.

I don't know why I am writing this. Nothing does any good.

There has to be a way to make death look like an accident.

Nobody can give me advice. Nobody knows how I feel. The tears are in my eyes constantly. I want some relief.

 

[neardeath]

I am entirely overwhelmed at the thought of packing and traveling again. I am up, and grandson is still sleeping.

Seriously, I am so depressed I feel like I should go to the hospital, but my family is 150 miles away, and they are waiting for me to bring my grandson back.

I don't think I've ever been this depressed before, and I don't have the strength to do this, but I have to. Now that I am writing, I'm crying again. This just has to stop. I'm also freaking out because I have no one to watch the cat.

I tried calling a friend, but they must be asleep. Others are off to work.

I've been writing posts and deleting them without posting. Aside from the social anxiety, at this point I feel so sick I don't know what to do. If anxiety kills anyone today, it could possibly be me.

 

[neardeath]

I found a trustworthy person to care for the cat. Someone I should have thought of myself, but I'm not thinking very well. My apartment manager made the suggestion so I am grateful.

We made it to my son's. I calmed down a little after I got in the car.

I was so scared to make the trip. I feel like I'm not functioning at even 50% and I was afraid for my grandson's safety. God forbid I should ask anyone for help!

I don't understand what's going on. Is it just a culmination of caring for my Mom, the Pennsylvania trip, staying in the Twin Cities, having company and grandson for four days? I guess I am learning my limits. After my grandson is gone, if anyone asks me to do anything at all I'm just going to reply with a big NO!

More stress does not help anxiety. It makes it more deadly. Now I am stuck here for FIVE DAYS. I don't know how I'm going to do it. My anxiety was worse in the last 48 hours than at any other time in my life.

 

[neardeath]

Day 3 of being here with my family.

I just want to be alone again. I want to challenge myself in my own way, in my own time.

Slept in until almost 9AM. That's late for me. So exhausted.

We played bocce in a court. I've always just played in the grass. The court was more fun. Great game. I have to get the glow-in-the-dark balls!

I am coping a little bit better today, but I still can't wait to go home.

 

[neardeath]

I ended up leaving late Friday night. I couldn't take my son's anger anymore. Really worried about him, as he is just like me.

He ended up admitting on the phone that part of his anger is due to my illness during his early life, when I was at the age he is now. I had a partner. I was raising two boys and I was a raging bitch most of the time. I couldn't help it. I also had manic symptoms back then, which have, for the most part, gone away in my old age.

Anyway, I am willing to do whatever I can to help us both put this in the past. I was wondering for years when this would come up. Might as well invite my other son to counseling session, too!

Another reason to remember this is an illness and I need to keep looking for help.

I miss my grandson so much. I have to regain strength at the lake here and go back again before he leaves later this month.

 

[neardeath]

My wonderful cat likes to wake me with plaintive meowing in the night, but as I was smoking by the window, the ISS passed directly overhead. I've been meaning to get out on the beach all week to see it again, but I guess it came to me! Good Kitty! xxxooo

 

[neardeath]

Today: church, kayak, and second viewing of Europa Report.

Wow, I did all that AND swam 30 minutes, blew up my floating chair and went to the beach with a buoy and boat anchor. I rode the 3-4' waves for 2 hours. I also did a 30 minute stint on a difficult trail I had never been on before. I really needed that release of energy and to be in my element again.

Things are good on the home front as my son called and I spoke with the grandson, too.

The activities were all very healing and I felt a lot of solitude.

 

[neardeath]

Plowing through errands having to do with bills and money and necessities. More shots for the cat. It's a good dark day to do the stuff that is no fun.

I've got nothing.

 

[neardeath]

Ha! My procrastination set in so I am now, once again, successfully avoiding the bill satchel. Most all are autopay, so nothing to worry about except how broke I'll be when they all clear.

I am going to make a calendar for the rest of the month, selecting some of the things that make me feel good, for the most part. I am in dire need of help, yet I can't get myself back on my own "program" or make a decision as to where to seek more outside help I feel so very incapable. I can just barely take care of myself.

Another trip will be in the works to see my grandson again before he leaves. I should write him a long letter telling him all the things I want him to know. Maybe also a list of things I want to do with him and say to him during those last few hours we'll be together. Last time he left, I didn't see him for three years. It's so hard having the one you love most in such a part-time intense relationship!

Bought a $15 bonsai tree yesterday and today I am going to a class. I've always wanted one. I found out it's mostly an outdoor hobby, as the trees die easily indoors. Sounds fun. I have to keep my mind busy, or my world gets lost in darkness.