Just another journal

[jaim38]

I've never heard of pseudocyesis before, so this is news to me. It even says men can get it, which is...abnormal, at best.

You know you're not pregnant, but, according to that link you pasted, your body must be producing the hormones that indicate pregnancy. Maybe that's why you're getting a swollen belly. If it'll make you feel better, maybe a pregnancy test can put the idea to rest. You know you're not, but getting checked is a good idea if you're that worried.

Yeah, I even checked online for the symptoms, can't you believe it! I'm just deluding myself and being paranoid! You know what? I have a theory. I think I'm ovulating, which probably caused me to feel like I am pregnant and delude myself into thinking I am.

Why were you unsatisfied? I haven't read the books, but having the main character not get the girl at the end is a refreshing spin.

Ok, it's refreshing, but that's not the point. I just didn't feel any compatibility between Hermione and Ron at all. No sparks or attraction whatsoever. It's like the author suddenly decided out of the blue that they should be paired up! Imagine Lisa and Millhouse going out. I remember this one episode where there was a fast-forward into the future; they got married and Millhouse ended up gaining 100+lbs and bed-bound. He kept complaining to Lisa about pursuing her ambitions.

 

[MikeyC]

Yeah, I even checked online for the symptoms, can't you believe it! I'm just deluding myself and being paranoid! You know what? I have a theory. I think I'm ovulating, which probably caused me to feel like I am pregnant and delude myself into thinking I am.

I wouldn't know what ovulating feels like so I'll just have to take your word for that one. I hope it bought you some closure.

Ok, it's refreshing, but that's not the point. I just didn't feel any compatibility between Hermione and Ron at all. No sparks or attraction whatsoever. It's like the author suddenly decided out of the blue that they should be paired up! Imagine Lisa and Millhouse going out. I remember this one episode where there was a fast-forward into the future; they got married and Millhouse ended up gaining 100+lbs and bed-bound. He kept complaining to Lisa about pursuing her ambitions.

Once again, I'll have to take your word on it, since I haven't read the books. I watched the first six movies, though, and it seemed logical, since Harry got Ginny Weasley. That Simpsons reference is hilarious, haha.

 

[jaim38]

There's this blog that I follow, which often posts opinion pieces on controversial topics. I really enjoyed reading the blog posts, but some people don't. I get the feeling these people are trying to convince me to stop visiting the blog. They think the author is nuts and perhaps arrogant. I don't share the same views, but I think everyone is entitled to their opinions. I am also free to read what I think is interesting, which may or may not resonate with others around me. It feels like a battle between religions, or between atheists and believers. I'm not saying atheism or religion is right. My point is freedom of religion (or no religion).

 

[jaim38]

Another rant...

One of the reasons why I'm so afraid of going out is because I fear being punished for my thoughts. I believe there are spirits who feed off my thoughts and react to them. Sometimes when I get negative thoughts, for whatever reason, it feels like a punishment is coming up next. I feel like I'm being tested wherever I go. I'm tested for how I react to different types of people. There's just so much pressure for me to act perfect. I'm so scared of pissing anybody off, because it could be a test of my virtue and if I fail that, I get punished (whether through social ostracization, people hating me, calling me names, etc). I am only human, not perfect by any means!

My dad is nice and humble to everyone of course. He also has a thick skin, isn't as sensitive, and doesn't take offense easily. He's one of the most laid back people I've met. But, he didn't go through the same trauma I went through, which made me who I am today. I wish I could see life through my dad's eyes, but all these past experiences and memories are preventing me from enjoying life. Add to the fact that I'm being tested. I feel like I can't be me in public. The only "safe" haven is at home, where I don't have to worry about hurting anyone in social interactions and getting punished for it.

I suddenly thought about the bane of my life, KL. He probably thinks he's so smart, rich, and noble, with his arrogant attitude and all. I wish I could subject him to all the traumas I've experienced, along with being born into an unstable family right from the beginning, and see how he long he lasts.

I think the spirits are trying to brainwash me. They try to make me think I'm crazy and schizophrenic, try to get people to tell me that spirits don't exist. Recently, they try to tell me that the guy I was speaking with doesn't exist! They try to brainwash me into thinking that my true love is the spirits all along! If one thing's for sure, it's that I don't have any love feelings for these spirits and will never marry them. I'm sorry, but love can't be forced. And, I think these spirits have ulterior motives for getting into my head.

Romance is sweet and all, but I regret it. My plan was to die single without any children or husband. But then somebody had to throw me a curveball which threaten to ruin my plan. The spirits will follow me everywhere until I die - in this way I am cursed. Imagine the spirits doing the same thing to my future husband and children. Testing them, trying to change their lives for their own purposes, invading their privacy, etc. Imagine that my child "coincidentally" fell in love with KL's child and we became family! Oh the horror! Anyone who marries me will be just as cursed - just a warning. If I do marry, it's probably not to your average Joe. This "lucky" guy will have to put up with lots.

Hey, it's not too late to back out. Speak out and travel while you still can - go get your freedom, served on a platter!

 

[jaim38]

Ok, I have pretty much come to terms with my abnormal life. I still have hope that I will be free one day, most likely after I die. I will try to live my life with as much positive self affirmations and courage. I will continue to grow and mature as a person, despite the constraints in my life.

 

[Rawz]

^ :thumbup:

Whenever you make any sort of progress, or change in a good way no matter small, accomplish something, etc, don't forget to congratulate yourself. You deserve to feel good about it.

 

[Nanita]

Ok, I have pretty much come to terms with my abnormal life. I still have hope that I will be free one day, most likely after I die. I will try to live my life with as much positive self affirmations and courage. I will continue to grow and mature as a person, despite the constraints in my life.

I also think I won't be free or whatever until after I die.
I'm also trying to come to terms with my life. I try to focus mostly on the aspects of life that I do appreciate.

 

[jaim38]

Thank you Rawz and Nanita for your positive comments! I was a bit nervous actually about the comments I'll get. I've made so much progress in the past months only to have a few setbacks lately. I hope I can get back on my feet again and get my mojo back!

 

[MikeyC]

My dad is nice and humble to everyone of course. He also has a thick skin, isn't as sensitive, and doesn't take offense easily. He's one of the most laid back people I've met. But, he didn't go through the same trauma I went through, which made me who I am today. I wish I could see life through my dad's eyes, but all these past experiences and memories are preventing me from enjoying life.

I believe these are the kinds of people where their advice to sadness and depression is "get over it." I'm sure we've all been the subject of that advice, and we know it just doesn't work that way.

This "lucky" guy will have to put up with lots.

We all have baggage.

 

[jaim38]

So, I think it's time to end things, in a smooth manner. The whole experience was like a whirlwind, which lasted maybe 10 days since January. Fortunately, it was short and brief, so the cut will be almost crystal clean. Otherwise, if it's 1 or more years, it will get very messy. For the best interests of all parties involved (and I spent a lot of time thinking about it), I think it's best to nip it in the bud early. Even though the whole experience was only 10 days, it's still hard. I cried a bit last night, but that's nothing compared to if I ended things with someone after 3 years - I would have spent months crying and trying to get over it. Well, we didn't officially date but it was just mutual feelings we experienced, that's all. I just want him to know it will save us both a lot of headaches in the future. By breaking up, I save us pain and heartbreak for years to come.

However, I have one last question. I always wanted to know why he is attracted to me. What is it that he sees in me that he likes? I mean, I'm pretty much the proverbial "loser" in society. I was unpopular, bullied, not particularly good-looking or stunning, not tall, wears hobo clothes, bad hair, only held 1 brief job in my life, changed schools often and took me almost 6 years to graduate college, didn't have any obvious achievements in my life. In summary, I was your average girl, someone with nothing special. I don't get what makes me so attractive in the first place.

So, I'm back to being single. Which is a relief because I don't have to worry about ruining other people's lives anymore. I really hope that guy doesn't go binge drinking for comfort, because that would be the opposite effect I was going for. Wow, this all ended in under 2 weeks. It's just incredible. But still, I feel terrible for breaking people's hearts and also, I feel hurt and painful myself. But next time, I will take extra precautions to prevent such things from happening again (i.e. reject early), and that's the best I can do to avoid heartbreak.

 

[jaim38]

Yesterday, I went out to visit my grandma and met some relatives. Surprise! I decided that if I'm gonna get back into society, I will have to start somewhere. First stop: rehab center. So, while I was there, I made the effort to talk to my grandma (well, more like yell since she couldn't hear us well) and also speak to my aunt and uncle. It was still kinda awkward especially the eye contact thing. Also the overactive peripheral vision keeps bugging me. When my aunt looked in my direction, my brain keeps telling me, "she's looking at me!" So I turned to look at her and found that she was looking at something behind me, not directly at me. :kickingmyself:

And later on when more people came, I found myself being suffocated mentally. I started feeling anxious, my eyes started wandering and I found myself looking at places where I shouldn't look. With people facing me, it feels like people staring at me which is uncomfortable.

Later on in the day, I was interacting with someone online and I find myself being condescending perhaps! So she wrote this email which included soem trend analysis, which got me very excited! I decided I want to participate as well so I wrote her that I would like to do some math analysis too. But then I think she took it the wrong way and started apologizing for her novice attempts with math analysis, etc. I started guilty for making her feel this way, so I had to lower myself to her level and try to make up.

Honestly, I was worried whether I came off as an arrogant person. Maybe I should be more diplomatic with my words.

 

[jaim38]

I'm suddenly having revisits to the past. I used to live in a dorm, and I mentioned before that there's this girl who cried for no apparent reason, blamed it on me, and managed to pit all the girls against me. I swear I don't even know her, never spoken to her, pretty much strangers! People seem to think she's such an innocent angel and I'm the blackest of all sheep. Well, let me tell you, there's this one time when I was in the shower and she was in the bathroom. She turned off all the lights on purpose, leaving me in the dark, went outside to blab to some other girl about what she did like she was some freakin hero. Oh, and all the while that her friends took to bullying me, she did nothing. She couldn't even look at me anymore. It makes me think if she took advantage of her crying (both times) to win friends and make me the black sheep. What a b*tch! I really have no respect for people who fake crocodile tears. I'm typing all this up just to get the record straight because people don't have the whole picture.

 

[jaim38]

I'm gonna discuss 2 things today. The first is my dream - I dreamt that I was checking out the fashions of various girls around me. In an effort to avoid looking gay, I sneaked secret glances at the girls' clothes and thought they dressed really well. I would like to dress like them one day when I am more self sufficient.

Second issue: I don't know if I am overanalyzing my emails, but there were a couple of awkward moments. First, my boss said another volunteer had "superior" thinking skills. The first reaction I got was perhaps jealousy. My doormattish/brown-nosing instincts were ready to manifest. BUt then, I told myself, "I am not a brownnoser/doormat. I am volunteering to learn new skills, contribute to a good cause, and gain experience. My purpose here is NOT to try to kiss some boss' ***." Then I recall a former drama that I used to watch where a bunch of women fought over 2 men, who rarely get blamed for the troubles. I remember thinking, "hello? The men are at fault too, why are none of the girls berating them?" Insightful moment there - I WON'T be acting like those women in the show, being manipulated by the guys around them and fighting each other like cats.

Ok, so I'm not sure what my boss' intentions were. Was he trying to foster jealousy among volunteers? Regardless, his comments reflect on him, and I'm just going to ignore them.

The second issue I encountered was the tone of my emails. I'm trying very hard not to sound condescending or arrogant, but I can't help but think that I messed up at certain times. Confession: I'm not very good at displays of affection, i.e. being all gushy mushy lovey dovey. I'm good at doing that in my head, where I think in this childish voice, but physically, it's completely different. I am born with this hoarse dead pan voice that could pass as a guy's voice.

There's this volutneer who is very very sweet to other volunteers, and sometimes she sends out emails that sound very intimate. Honestly, I appreciate her emails but don't know how to match her energy. I never had a sister before so wouldn't know how to be intimate with other girls without sounding gay. Regardless, I try to keep my interactions professional, perhaps I sound a little stone cold but hopefully not.

 

[jaim38]

Ok, so someone rang the doorbell today and immediately, my heart was racing. I could feel my anxiety increasing. I had to go to the door to greet an tech rep for my Internet company. So, he came out here today to inform us of the change in the lines they're using. They're upgrading stuff in the area. The guy had superb social skills, no question about that. Throughout the whole convo, I was having severe problems with eye contact. I also found myself shaking a bit. I couldn't maintain eye contact for long and had to look down and found myself looking at his pants so had to look up! Ahhh! I don't know if I creeped him out becuase he moved sideways, so I found myself looking at houses across the street which is good.

Regardless of the negatives, I really did try to have a good convo with him. I nodded and tried to listen to what he was saying even though I was shaking and couldn't maintain eye contact. Props for the effort!:applause:

Overall, it wasn't so bad. I definitely need to work on my eye contact and the shaking (though, it was like freezing out there so I doubt he could tell that I shaking out of anxiety).

 

[jaim38]

I had one of the worst nightmares ever. So I dreamt my brother wanted to use me for his experiments. He wanted to cut my arm up with knives. At first I obeyed and hoped it wouldn't hurt but at the last minute I got scared and backed out. I told him I didn't want to participate in his experiments. He got angry and I ran away to hide. Believe it or not, I even feel guilty/ashamed for making him angry. I told my mom but that didn't help. I hid in the closet and was soon discovered by my brother. He pursued me and tried to cut me up with sharp needles. Then I woke up with my heart racing so fast I stayed awake for a few minutes.

 

[jaim38]

So yesterday I had a series of bizarre dreams. One of the dreams was about me being in a team with a bunch of girls. I recognized one of them as a former classmate, and the other as the friend of a former bully. We were competing against other teams. Several times, the teacher called us up to the blackboard to write something but I was too scared/shy to go up there. Then, the friend of the former bully started saying negative things about me, so I could tell she doesn't like me. It's like the whole team was against me.

Another dream I had was about me being in class and for some reason, I was blushing when I saw this familiar guy. I got really shy too. Then I woke up from my dream and I heard some guy's voice said "break up" one or 2 times.

First of all, let me say there's a big difference between crush, lust, and love. Crush/infatuation/limerance is a superficial feeling of attraction. It's a temporary emotion of affection. I've had several crushes in the past, all of which were temporary obsessions with some person which died down after I moved away, never saw them again, or I stopped tracking them online (yes, I'm guilty of facebook stalking in the past). Crush is NOT equivalent to love.

Lust is more like physical sexual attraction for someone which extends beyond a mere crush or innocent puppy love. It's the desire to "score" someone and have sex with him/her. Love might not be present.

Love is something that goes beyond emotion. I'm not sure how to define it but I fear words won't do it justice. I am by no means an expert on love, but I have seen and experienced instances of it. When a couple sticks together through both good and bad times rain or shine, that's love. When your family embraces you for who you are whether you're gay, straight, male, female, successful or not, that's love.

Now, I mentioned before that I've had all these crushes in the past on classmates, celebs, and fiction characters. Just because I have a crush one some person/character doesn't mean I want to have sex or marry him or cheat. To me, a crush simply means that person/character is my type, but not necessarily the person I want to date/commit to.

 

[jaim38]

I'm a bit sour over my boss' words, but I think I should take them as constructive criticism. I'm trying not to stress out over this.

Next, so I weighed today and found out I gained around a pound! This basically reversed part of the weight loss I had earlier this week. I was disappointed but then I realized I probably messed up. So, I lost 2 lbs over this week, but I kept dieting based on old daily calorie requirements. Today I realized I need to adjust my calorie requirements based on my new weight (since I lost 2 lbs). Actually, I would need to adjust my info everytime I lose weight, because I won't need to each as much anymore.

 

[jaim38]

Social rejection does hurt, physically and mentally according to studies. Over the years, I found this out the hard way. From mild social rejections such as a nice rebuff to more severe ones such as bullying, all of these cause me mental and physical pain. Physical pain usually manifests in the heart region. What I discovered is that, it doesn't matter who the person who rejected me is, the rejection still has the same effects no matter the gender, age, race, height, weight, etc. Even more surprising is the fact that even if I am a virtual stranger to this person and/or don't have feelings for this person (as in I don't consider this person a potential romantic interest), it still hurts in some way. So, in conclusion, all types of social rejection hurts, whether by a stranger or someone I'm acquainted with, but the intensity varies. In general, I am more hurt by rejection from people I consider important to me such as family and friends.

 

[jaim38]

Feeling very pissed! So recently in the last few days, I've been going to the bedroom at night to get my socks while my brother is in the bathroom doing his thing. So apparently, he found out about it and got very angry. He started berating me, calling me a dummy/dipsh*t/stupid, telling me how I "screwed" things up for him. He said I should NOT go into the bedrooms (including my bedroom) while he bathes. I was angry of course, but I knew that if I were to argue with him, I would lose (as in 99.999% of the time). He almost always thinks he's right, and everyone else is freakin wrong.

Gosh, just to clarify, I did NOT even enter the bathroom while he was doing his thing. All I did was enter the bedroom, get my socks, and got out while he's in the bathroom. I don't know how he found out about me doing this, but he got so angry and made such a big deal out of it! Big deal! Oh, did I mention he's also paranoid!

Believe it or not, he's still fuming over it. In order to appease him, I have to tell him I won't do this ever again, but he just won't let the issue go! My God! He just kept pushing the issue, saying how wrong it is to enter my bedroom while he was bathing in the bathroom across! WTF! I thought we were in for another 30 min of typing chat/convo when suddenly my mom popped in and saved me! So, she asked us if we could help out with the groceries, and I gladly obliged of course, But he wouldn't help at all. Not even a single word and just got back quickly into his room. Ungrateful! But I don't think he cares. I did tell him in the past to be grateful but he could care less about all that we did for him.

 

[jaim38]

Being in a relationship is sweet and all, but it doesn't mean that people should suddenly neglect all their friends and family and basically forget about everything else. You could get so absorbed into the relationship that you abandon everything else. I think we should have vibrant lives outside of our relationships. We should continue to cultivate our relations with other people (i.e. friendships, relations with family) as well as continue to pursue our goals in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of codependence where you find yourself being dependent on a relationship for all your happiness. It's good to have some independence where you are free to pursue your interests and hobbies outside of the relationship. Cultivating this sense of independence is essential to growing stronger which is a boon to any relationship. I'm sure if I have a husband, I wouldn't want him to stick to me 24/7, nor would I do that (we're not siamese twins, nor do we wish to be!). Each of us has hobbies, interests, and independent lives outside of the house. I think it makes for more interesting dynamics because we each bring different things to the table to talk about.