Just another journal

[jaim38]

I just got scolded/threatened by my aggressive brother, who proceeded to call me all sorts of names including b*tch, f*ckface, stupid, etc. He accused me of going into his room and turning off the fan while he was at school, for which he was mad. At first, I lied but then had to fess up. My mom told me to do it, actually, but he didn't care. He said I could've rejected her. He told me before to not go into his room and touch his stuff.

Ok, I agree, I was wrong this time for not respecting his privacy. He said he respect my stuff, so why not respect his stuff? I was in the wrong. THe entire time, I was so angry at my mom, for telling me to go into his room and lie about it, but ultimately I have only myself to blame. I was stupid enough to even listen to my mom.

But you know what, it all comes down to this: it's a power struggle, whoever strongest wins. I will listen to my brother, not because I'm his loyal slave or whatever, but because I have to. Between my mom and my brother, if there was a fight or power struggle, my brother wins, hands down. Not even my dad could control him since he works 6 days a week almost gone the entire day. Which means my brother is KING of the house, unofficially. I only obey his demands, so if my mom tells me to do anything conflicting, I will turn her down no questions asked. If she still wants to have her way, I will personally refer her to my brother and let her fight it out with him. I would rather not risk it, again. Lesson learned.

I feel so stupid, at one point I even hated my mom but then only have myself to blame. I will let her take the fall next time, see how she feels being threatened and beaten by my brother. Then maybe she would stop telling me to do stupid things.

 

[jaim38]

I am still angry at my mom. I hope she can taste the wratch from my brother - then she'll know how I feel.

 

[jaim38]

So yesterday I had a scuffle with my brother. I didn't fight back against him, just let him punch himself out with his threats and whatnot. I silently agreed and just let it go. To people outside of the family, they're probably very shocked to hear that my brother is abusive, because he comes off as very quiet and such a nice guy on the outside. People usually think I'm the one who's bossing him around, for some reason, maybe because I'm the older sister.

People think I'm a coward that I don't even bother fighting back against him. They tell me to argue, tell my parents about it, etc. But nothing helps. I've tried every peaceful approach I could think of, but nothing ever works. When he bullies me I tried telling him, "I pay the internet bill" and he'll say "no you don't. That's dad's money" - which is true. I also tried telling him, "you are not king of the house. Dad owns it" but he doesn't give a f*ck because he knows that once dad's gone to work, he's the boss.

Telling my parents doesn't ever work. Maybe temporarily, he gets spanked and whatnot. But once my dad's gone off to work, he's quick to assume control and punish me. Even my mom's kinda scared of him.

I'm telling ya, my brother is NO ordinary brother. It's not some light teasing that he's doing to me and my mom. He's also nuts, as in crazy. He told my mom to tape aluminum foil on the walls. There used to be paper all over the mirror, until my cousin came for several days so he forced me to help him take it down. My mom listens to him on almost everything, never really doubts him. He comes up with neighbor spying theories that my mom believes, no questions asked. My mom is dense enough to believe what cr*p he tells her.

It's extremely hard to win a single argument against him. I've lived with him for so many years, and out of the thousands of arguments, I won maybe 1%. He just has to have it his way, on everything within his control. He likes to interrupt me a lot. Sometimes, I was in the middle of making my point but then he cuts me off like no tomorrow and says I'm wrong. Just like that. It's not even an argument, because I couldn't even argue my case. He wants me to make me aknowledge that he's right, then come up with ways to punish me, like charging me $100 for coming into his room. Despite the fact that he prides himself on being a math genius, I think he doesn't realize how irrational he could be.

BBC News - The unwinnable game

The unwinnable game.

 

[jc972]

So yesterday I had a scuffle with my brother. I didn't fight back against him, just let him punch himself out with his threats and whatnot. I silently agreed and just let it go. To people outside of the family, they're probably very shocked to hear that my brother is abusive, because he comes off as very quiet and such a nice guy on the outside. People usually think I'm the one who's bossing him around, for some reason, maybe because I'm the older sister.

People think I'm a coward that I don't even bother fighting back against him. They tell me to argue, tell my parents about it, etc. But nothing helps. I've tried every peaceful approach I could think of, but nothing ever works. When he bullies me I tried telling him, "I pay the internet bill" and he'll say "no you don't. That's dad's money" - which is true. I also tried telling him, "you are not king of the house. Dad owns it" but he doesn't give a f*ck because he knows that once dad's gone to work, he's the boss.

Telling my parents doesn't ever work. Maybe temporarily, he gets spanked and whatnot. But once my dad's gone off to work, he's quick to assume control and punish me. Even my mom's kinda scared of him.

I'm telling ya, my brother is NO ordinary brother. It's not some light teasing that he's doing to me and my mom. He's also nuts, as in crazy. He told my mom to tape aluminum foil on the walls. There used to be paper all over the mirror, until my cousin came for several days so he forced me to help him take it down. My mom listens to him on almost everything, never really doubts him. He comes up with neighbor spying theories that my mom believes, no questions asked. My mom is dense enough to believe what cr*p he tells her.

It's extremely hard to win a single argument against him. I've lived with him for so many years, and out of the thousands of arguments, I won maybe 1%. He just has to have it his way, on everything within his control. He likes to interrupt me a lot. Sometimes, I was in the middle of making my point but then he cuts me off like no tomorrow and says I'm wrong. Just like that. It's not even an argument, because I couldn't even argue my case. He wants me to make me aknowledge that he's right, then come up with ways to punish me, like charging me $100 for coming into his room. Despite the fact that he prides himself on being a math genius, I think he doesn't realize how irrational he could be.

BBC News - The unwinnable game

The unwinnable game.

Just out of curiosity, does your dad try to make him mind? It'd be bad news bears if one of my boys did that to my daughter, or vice versa. It would not be a good day. Why don't your mother remind him that she's the parent, he's the child, do what she says, end of story. I'm baffled by this.

 

[jaim38]

Just out of curiosity, does your dad try to make him mind? It'd be bad news bears if one of my boys did that to my daughter, or vice versa. It would not be a good day. Why don't your mother remind him that she's the parent, he's the child, do what she says, end of story. I'm baffled by this.

My dad used to spank him, but that did nothing. It only made him more recalcitrant. Of course he knows my mom's the parent, but I don't think he has a sense of hierarchy, as least not in the traditional sense. Now he's beyond spankable age and could easily overpower me and my parents. My parents still love him to death though.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

Errr... does your brother have some mental issues? Like does he need therapy or something? Either he's just way too spoiled or he really needs some medical help.

 

[jaim38]

^Yeah I think he needs help but he's in deep denial. The mere suggestion of social anxiety, paranoia, etc annoys him. After attempts of bringing up his issues with no success, I gave up.

I've experienced sibling bullying for over 20 years. I think it's one of the reasons why I'm so afraid of confrontation, and why I can't stand up to people.

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

That's tough coz you can't force him unless he becomes too destructive so the authority can restrain him. I think it's a combination of your mom's toleration, your dad's not being there all the time and his mental issues that caused that personality havoc.

 

[jaim38]

Yesterday I was listening to this song with the lyrics "the most beautiful..." And then I watched an episode of a series where several female characters were competing to be the "most beautiful", with a ghost hovering over them. Freaky. I went to bed last night feeling a bit frightened and I thought I heard some ghoulish voice whispering in my ear but after praying, it felt better.

 

[jaim38]

I really hate it when my PMS drags on like this. It's like my period could come any day, just NOT YET!!! I can't wait to get it over with! It's been delayed by at least 5-7 days.

On a related note, I read from a science article that men could sense when women are ovulating, albeit on an unconscious level. Male animals were more attracted to ovulating females than to non-ovulating ones. In a similar vein, human males are subconsciously more attracted to ovulating females than their normal counterparts. My presentation's next Saturday, so I really hope to get this period thing over with before that time.

 

[Odo]

He wants me to make me aknowledge that he's right, then come up with ways to punish me, like charging me $100 for coming into his room.

That's actually pretty funny... unless he actually forced you to give him the money.

I think brothers are supposed to be annoying... I annoyed the hell out of my sister for quite a while. She also annoyed me in her own little way.

I'm sure that he'll mellow out when he's older.

 

[jaim38]

I think I am asexual, but I will not reveal this to other people (including family) because 1) I don't think they'll understand, and 2) sexual orientation should be a personal thing, not something people should be obligated to share freely with others. At first, I wasn't sure if I was asexual because I have a sex drive and I do develop crushes/infatuation for other people. So I did some searches online, read the wikipedia entry for asexuality, and something clicked inside me. Asexuality describes me to the T.

From Wikipedia: Asexuality (or nonsexuality)[1][2][3] is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone or low or absent interest in sexual activity...self-identified asexuals "reported significantly less desire for sex with a partner, lower sexual arousability, and lower sexual excitation but did not differ consistently from non-asexuals in their sexual inhibition scores or their desire to masturbate"

I have very low libido/sex drive, but I don't have a desire to have sex physically with anybody. In the past I've masturbated, though not anymore because it's gotten really weird for me. But I've always doubted myself, wondering "I can't be asexual if I have libido and maturbate, right?" This passage from wikipedia clarifies things a lot for me. Some asexuals do have a sex drive, but they prefer to either ignore this sex drive or satisfy it with auto erotic arousal (i.e. porn, masturbation, fantasies, etc) - just not by having sex.

 

[jaim38]

So I was reading this highly controversial thread:

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/anyone-else-think-sex-is-disgusting-57304/

And didn't have the guts to post there because I don't want people to get the wrong idea. I'll just post my thoughts here.

I'm asexual too but I am fine with other people doing it, I don't pass judgment on them. It's really hard to make people understand asexuality though, and there's the stigma too, considering that roughly 1% of the world is asexual (stats from wikipedia). I can't watch sex scenes on TV shows/movies without cringing or feeling very uncomfortable. Even some steamy kiss exchanging saliva makes me turn away for a while. When I watch movies with people making out and I look away, people around me look at me like I was weird and laugh. Sometimes people misunderstood, they think I have something against the couple (i.e. I disapprove of them, hate them, racist in the case of interracial couples, anti-gay, etc), but really, nothing personal, just don't feel comfortable watching any types of sex, porn, etc. that's all there is.

From wikipedia: Asexual people...may engage in purely romantic relationships...or....exclusively romantic non-sexual partnerships,

This sounds a tad bit appealing, something that appears in my fantasies but not likely to ever happen in real life. It's not like I'm actively looking for a partner or anything.

 

[jaim38]

Some people think I have a crush on this guy so they proceed to taunt me with news of his marriage and pic of his gf. First of all, I just want to clarify I have no crush on this guy. I would wish them the best. Secondly, I don't know why I was being called "stupid" because I didn't react when I see the guy with his gf? I don't get it. At times like these, I find comfort in thinking about God and spirituality.

 

[jaim38]

I was reading this thread:

Should I quit or carry on? - SocialPhobiaWorld.com

But didn't know how to respond. I encountered similar clerks/employees who exhibited a negative attitude towards me for whatever reason. I try not to take it personally if I know they don't have a grudge against me. It brings to mind what happened several years ago. I used to go to this library 4-5 days a week, because I had nowhere else to go while waiting for my brother. Over time, the staff members knew me by face, but not by name. They see me almost every week, but I could tell some of them didn't like seeing me. I heard them say behind my back, "why do I keep seeing her? She's always coming...I don't like her. Don't look at her." Obviously, at least 2 people had a personal grudge against me, for some reason. They've seen me hide around so they think I'm like a spy or some crazy girl? Who knows.

Eventually, I started going to another library, often switching between the 2, so I'm not stuck going to just 1 library.

Thinking back to my childhood and adolescence years, I've also behaved in rude ways that I'm not proud of. Especially when I'm forced to be in social situations, such as volunteering at the hospital, which I didn't like. It took a lot of effort to fake friendliness and interest in others, out of politeness. Believe it or not, my happiest times volunteering were when I am alone, doing boring administrative tasks such as folding brochures. I really dislike being around other people, or working with them. It makes me even more nervous and neurotic, and it shows.

 

[jaim38]

So, I just got a candy from someone who doesn't like me. She started passing out candy to the class, and when she got to me, she was all quiet and just passing it out, and that's it. I think she only gave me and my team candy just so she doesn't look biased in front of the whole class. I didn't eat it in class. I was actually debating whether to eat it, or just toss it. If I went by my feelings, I would toss it. But, I tried to be fair and actually think through my dilemma neutrally. It would be a waste if I tossed it - it's food after all. I think about the many people in developing countries who are starving and can't afford to eat. I also thought about the presentation on 'Act of Kindness' that I saw today. After doing a lot of thinking and analysis, here is my conclusion:

I'll eat the candy. 2 important factors contribute to my decision - 1) act of kindness, 2) don't waste food. I'm also grateful for the candy, I did mumble a "thank you" to that person who handed me the candy, didn't actually have the courage to say it out loud because I wasn't sure if she wants to interact with me, given that she doesn't like me.

 

[jaim38]

After what happened yesterday, and also finding myself obsessing over the negative experience, I resolved to take a break today. I don't think I can handle another confrontation. My parents keep pestering me to attend someone's wedding, but I kept refusing because I knew the bride doesn't like me, as well as her sisters and other cousins. I can't do this 2 days in a row. If I hear someone calling me stupid again, I think I will just storm out of there in anger, maybe with some tears. Translation: wedding crashed. To avoid such conflicts, I decided to stay home for the day.

 

[jaim38]

Gosh he makes my blood boil! My brother's a hoarder! He doesn't throw away "antiques" such as homeworks and tests from as far back as elementary! Now he's trashing the house with his gazillion textbooks that he bought (or rather wasted money on), and making me put them in my parents' bedroom! Oh, did I mention he lost his contact earlier, for the 5th or 6th time? I want to strangle him, beat some freakin common sense into him! :veryangry: But then I thought, "What am I? His mom? I'm not responsible for raising this kid, or for how he turned out to be. I'm just his sibling. Even if I criticize him, 99.999% of the time, he doesn't give two sh*ts." I'm just gonna let my parents handle this one, and stay out of his way.

 

[jc972]

Gosh he makes my blood boil! My brother's a hoarder! He doesn't throw away "antiques" such as homeworks and tests from as far back as elementary! Now he's trashing the house with his gazillion textbooks that he bought (or rather wasted money on), and making me put them in my parents' bedroom! Oh, did I mention he lost his contact earlier, for the 5th or 6th time? I want to strangle him, beat some freakin common sense into him! :veryangry: But then I thought, "What am I? His mom? I'm not responsible for raising this kid, or for how he turned out to be. I'm just his sibling. Even if I criticize him, 99.999% of the time, he doesn't give two sh*ts." I'm just gonna let my parents handle this one, and stay out of his way.

Is avoiding him all together out of the question? From what you've said before it sounds as if he needs to seek help of some sort.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

After what happened yesterday, and also finding myself obsessing over the negative experience, I resolved to take a break today. I don't think I can handle another confrontation. My parents keep pestering me to attend someone's wedding, but I kept refusing because I knew the bride doesn't like me, as well as her sisters and other cousins. I can't do this 2 days in a row. If I hear someone calling me stupid again, I think I will just storm out of there in anger, maybe with some tears. Translation: wedding crashed. To avoid such conflicts, I decided to stay home for the day.

You're anything but stupid. As long as you know that. I think people with SA are mistaken for being stupid because we lack the proper social skills.