I Need to Get Over A Girl Who I Really Like, I Need Good Advice!

[kinghatred]

Sometimes impossible to control how you feel. It's not helping seeing her all the time in class so idk about that but I do admit that I cried sometimes when I was alone thinking about it. And it sucked a lot but then life went on and I started completely changing my mind about the whole thing (not forcefully) and just forgot about it eventually. I also was much happier without her because she caused me a lot of stress. Not abusive or anything but she was just kind of crazy.. not the crazy I can tolerate (and I like "crazy" girls anyway) she just had a lot of problems somewhat similar to the girl you're talking about. We all have different experiences though and we're all different people so I can't relate to you 100% and tell you what you need to do. Good luck anyway.

Thx alot for the support. So far we haven't talk at all in a week, sometimes I was hoping that one day she will just change the way she acts. In the first couple of days, I even dreamed of her talking to me again. But as each day goes by, I found out the she is further away from my life, I think less about her, I started to think more positively about my future. Especially when I saw her acting pretty normal with other people but just trying to avoid me as much as possible, I more and more question myself, why do I even have to stress myself over a girl like her. I seen clearer and clearer that she is not the girl that I thought she was, there is no way we can get alone in the future.

 

[JMiller]

After reading about your situation I want to say you have my sympathy. It's difficult to get over some one that you deeply fall for - and to be strung along for so long too can drive anyone crazy. But I think it'll be for the best (in this case), as Spock once said "sometimes the wanting, is better than having."

(I wanted to get the nerdy quote in)

 

[schist]

Probably not what you wanna hear - but I think you creeped her out. Think about it, why else would she have suddenly been ignoring you? Certainly not because "she likes you", don't kid yourself. And that long letter you wrote her - I mean honestly? :S Wasn't helping your cause AT ALL.

Towards the end, you were practically begging for her. Pure and simple. I couldn't possibly think of a more effective way to scare someone off. Seriously, move on. Don't wait and hope for her to have a change of heart. This was dead in the water from the get-go.

 

[kinghatred]

Probably not what you wanna hear - but I think you creeped her out. Think about it, why else would she have suddenly been ignoring you? Certainly not because "she likes you", don't kid yourself. And that long letter you wrote her - I mean honestly? :S Wasn't helping your cause AT ALL.

Towards the end, you were practically begging for her. Pure and simple. I couldn't possibly think of a more effective way to scare someone off. Seriously, move on. Don't wait and hope for her to have a change of heart. This was dead in the water from the get-go.

Umm.... to be honest, I really don't think I creeped her out by any chance, if you read my previous post (somewhere in this massive post), we were fine on Sunday, and on Monday I didn't do anything (I mean really not a single thing), but she started to acting weird, I tried to wait and see on Tuesday and then she totally started to avoiding me. So how did I creep her out? By doing nothing?

And I was begging her in the middle part of the email, definitely not in the end. The purpose for me to beg in the middle was because I knew I'm gonna say something harsh in the end. I told her I don't end up with her like this (middle part), then I said if she kept behaving like this then I will assume this is the way she wants to be and I will do the same thing, which is keep a distance with her and not talking to her at all (ending threat).

Why do I talk like this, because I know I don't want keep a relationship like this, this is way too weird and way too uncomfortable, I want draw back but in a very nice way. I laid out all the options for her to choose and told her exactly what I am gonna do next if she kept avoiding me, by doing this, I will not feel guilty at all for not talking to her and completely ignoring her in school, which is exactly what I am doing right now. Basicly this shifted all the responsibility on her shoulder and I can get out without any worries on my part.

I appreciate your concern, but like what I said in my previous post, I already moved on, I barely think about her now, and whatever she does and whatever she behaves barely affect me at all now

 

[schist]

Umm.... to be honest, I really don't think I creeped her out by any chance

No, you don't think you did, but trust me, you did. Having been in that situation before, believe me, I know. Why else would she just start acting weird out of nowhere?

The fact that you're still trying to rationalize why it happened the way it did kinda proves that you were into her way more than she was into you (which wasn't a lot). The second or third time she brushed you off, you should've just left it, rather than try to save a sinking ship. And yet you soldiered on, writing her an essay to tell her how you felt.

Either way, learn from this, and try not to make the same mistakes next time.

 

[SilentBird]

There were times when I could have strangled her
But you know, I would hate anything to happen to her
Would you please let me see her?

(words from a song)

 

[kinghatred]

No, you don't think you did, but trust me, you did. Having been in that situation before, believe me, I know. Why else would she just start acting weird out of nowhere?

The fact that you're still trying to rationalize why it happened the way it did kinda proves that you were into her way more than she was into you (which wasn't a lot). The second or third time she brushed you off, you should've just left it, rather than try to save a sinking ship. And yet you soldiered on, writing her an essay to tell her how you felt.

Either way, learn from this, and try not to make the same mistakes next time.

lol, if my "doing nothing" creeped her out or if any of my normal action such as "talking with friend, sharing quote from bible" creeped her out, then this just proved that she is definitely not the girl that I'm looking for. Who wants to hang out with a girl that is scared by the way you breath or the way you speak?

You are trying to rationalize a girl who doesn't think in logical way. Again, her symptoms are way different than normal social phobia, I already mentioned in previous posts, she has no problem deal with normal friend but she do have anxiety issues when she get too close into a relationship, it doesn't matter if it's romantic relationship or a close friendship. She got a feeling she will mess it up when she get too close to other people, and she did pushed away a lot of people before because of this.

So why do I have to rationalize with this irrational girl? Because I have to do it, it is my responsibility to do whatever I can in this relationship. She has issues, not me, I am normal, so I am going to behave in a normal way, which is, when somebody suddenly start to avoid you, you will go ask why. And let me make this clear again, she did brushed me off a couple of times before, but she called back and said she was sorry and didn't mean that way, Every Time. So how does normal people interpret this? Ok, she said she wants to be friend, then she said she regret that she said she just wants to be friend, So I guess now she wants to be closer than just friend, right?

you are right about one thing, I will learn from this, but not for what I did, but for what I really want. Because I don't think I did anything wrong, when I stayed in that relationship, I did everything try to make her happy and I did everything she told me to do. I have never asked a single thing to return from her other than a reason "why" in the end. Relationship is a process that both people find more and more about each other. Sometimes people in the end found out they fit, and sometimes they don't fit. In my case, I found she is not the girl that I thought she would be, it doesn't necessarily mean I did anything bad or wrong. I mean do you really think that every time people don't get along has to because somebody did something wrong? Somebody has to take blame for it? What about one person like cold and the other person like hot and they don't get along? What about one person is a vegetarian and other person is a meat lover and they don't get along?

I think there is nothing wrong for me to be "more into" her, I started it, I am willing to put more efforts than her. But that doesn't mean I can tolerate whatever she does, I do have my limit. I think there is nothing wrong to try to fix a sinking ship, a good captain will always do his best to save his ship, and when he realize the ship is definitely un-repairable, he will give up and build a another one, just as passionate and as careful like the way he build the first ship, which is what I am doing right now.

So yeah, I'm clearer about what type of girl I am looking for and when I start the next relationship, I will treat my girl so well just like I treat this girl. Because I am confident and I am proud to be who I am. <--- This attitude really helped me to move on btw ::

 

[kinghatred]

No, you don't think you did, but trust me, you did. Having been in that situation before, believe me, I know. Why else would she just start acting weird out of nowhere?

The fact that you're still trying to rationalize why it happened the way it did kinda proves that you were into her way more than she was into you (which wasn't a lot). The second or third time she brushed you off, you should've just left it, rather than try to save a sinking ship. And yet you soldiered on, writing her an essay to tell her how you felt.

Either way, learn from this, and try not to make the same mistakes next time.

You know what, after I took a step back and looked at what you wrote again, I found 2 things that are kinda funny.

1. "Why else would she just start acting weird out of nowhere?"
Why else? Umm... because she has social phobia? Umm.... Because she had history of pushing people away when she get too close to them? Umm.... Because she told me she is afraid of romantic relationship because she think guys just want have sex. Umm.... because she had acting weird many times in the past. What else.....oh yeah, she said sometimes she can hear god talking to her.

2. "Either way, learn from this, and try not to make the same mistakes next time."
Oh you are right, I definitely have to learn from this. Actually, that's why I wrote her that long ass email which said "If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry, but please let me know and I will change it!" You criticized about my email in your previous post, ok, but let me ask you this: how the hell are you gonna learn if she doesn't talk to you and tell you what's going on or what's wrong? Where do you want me to learn from? Because I CLEARLY STATED that I don't know what I did wrong, and that's why I wrote her that email and trying to figure it out. I just think it's kind funny where you pointed out that my email is completely unnecessary but later suggest me to learn from this whole mess but totally ignored the fact that the purpose of that email is to find out "why"

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Indulge in other hobbies + develop a new crush=problem solved

 

[R3K]

(ok i skimmed a few posts, but i've absorbed about 85% of this entire thread...)

Schist put it a little more bluntly than i'd have, but he does make a good point. Women these days are so creep-wary… you make even the slightest creep-move and they go tell all their GFs you’re a quasimodo and there goes all your chances with any chick in her social network (facebook included.)

Overanalysis leads to paralysis(sp,) she’s not shooting you down or rejecting you outright, you’re just thinking yourself into all kinds of date-scene blunders (at least by the nature of your hyper-analytic posts.)

Don’t focus on the “girl,” focus on your game. Figure out what’s working and not working in your game and refine it. Learn from other guys’ experiences through talking with them and become a better dater. Worry about getting the perfect girl later, or just let it happen whenever it happens and don’t give too much mind to the order of events.

It took until like page 6 for the word “stalker” to enter the discussion… not that I’m aggreeing with it, and “stalker” may be the wrong term--I might say you were sufficiently obsessed though.

Basically, my advice would be: stop analyzing every little thing she does/says. 90% of what she’s saying/doing/writing to you is probly just some kind of squeemish gesture that reflects either some kind of anxiety, or something else negative. Some the other posters on here are saying she may have liked you at certain points in this ordeal, which I might agree with, but overall I just read a lot of negativity from her.

Take a careful look at everything that’s transpired--once you’ve a clear mind--and determine if there were any true, substantial indications from her that you guys could be more than just friends… but do so without overanalyzing it.

edit: this is coming from 32 y/o male with moderate relationship experience.

 

[Kat]

So yeah, I'm clearer about what type of girl I am looking for and when I start the next relationship, I will treat my girl so well just like I treat this girl. Because I am confident and I am proud to be who I am. <--- This attitude really helped me to move on btw ::

Yep, it's all part of it. Her behavior sort of reflects someone that's dealt with abandonment issues, if that's the case maintaining a friendship can be a milestone. Hopefully she will get the help she needs, everyone makes mistakes but you sound pretty level headed about it all. No one should be lonely and you don't strike me as the type to give up. You will be okay.

 

[Kinetik]

A lot of people have issues that affect their behavior, and the sort of behavior she displays is so common among young women that some people suggest playing into that ahead of time by being a bit more evasive and guarded with your feelings.

Now from what I've experienced with girls, it's actually a good thing to be in tune with your emotions and to vocalize your feelings, but only with the right girl. Oftentimes it's in your best interest to spot a woman who's a waste of time as early as possible. You'll get better at it as you get older, and that will allow you to protect yourself better until you're with a girl who loves and values you for you - and that's when it's safe to wear your heart on your sleeve. In that regard I think it's best to first go the distance with someone before your emotions come into play. Otherwise, you run the risk of talking too much, being too needy/intense, and having your advances seem disingenuous and unsubstantiated.

Just my 2c.

 

[kinghatred]

(ok i skimmed a few posts, but i've absorbed about 85% of this entire thread...)

Schist put it a little more bluntly than i'd have, but he does make a good point. Women these days are so creep-wary… you make even the slightest creep-move and they go tell all their GFs you’re a quasimodo and there goes all your chances with any chick in her social network (facebook included.)

Overanalysis leads to paralysis(sp,) she’s not shooting you down or rejecting you outright, you’re just thinking yourself into all kinds of date-scene blunders (at least by the nature of your hyper-analytic posts.)

Don’t focus on the “girl,” focus on your game. Figure out what’s working and not working in your game and refine it. Learn from other guys’ experiences through talking with them and become a better dater. Worry about getting the perfect girl later, or just let it happen whenever it happens and don’t give too much mind to the order of events.

It took until like page 6 for the word “stalker” to enter the discussion… not that I’m aggreeing with it, and “stalker” may be the wrong term--I might say you were sufficiently obsessed though.

Basically, my advice would be: stop analyzing every little thing she does/says. 90% of what she’s saying/doing/writing to you is probly just some kind of squeemish gesture that reflects either some kind of anxiety, or something else negative. Some the other posters on here are saying she may have liked you at certain points in this ordeal, which I might agree with, but overall I just read a lot of negativity from her.

Take a careful look at everything that’s transpired--once you’ve a clear mind--and determine if there were any true, substantial indications from her that you guys could be more than just friends… but do so without overanalyzing it.

edit: this is coming from 32 y/o male with moderate relationship experience.

Yeah, I was over obsessed with her and I tried to analyze every move from her so I can make the right corresponding move. I do think a lot inside but on the outside, I tried to act as cool as possible. The way she suddenly started avoiding me just really shot me in the head. That pretty much turned off my passion. Right now, it's totally up to her, I'm not gonna think about anything, and I'm not gonna do anything. She want talk to me, I will happily talk to her. She want be friend, I will be her friend. She want keep things in this way and be stranger, no problem, I will just pretend that I don't know who she it.

 

[kinghatred]

Yep, it's all part of it. Her behavior sort of reflects someone that's dealt with abandonment issues, if that's the case maintaining a friendship can be a milestone. Hopefully she will get the help she needs, everyone makes mistakes but you sound pretty level headed about it all. No one should be lonely and you don't strike me as the type to give up. You will be okay.

She always acted lonely, she doesn't have text service, never chat online and barely hang out with friend. She is isolating herself in a comfort zone so she is 100% sure she won't get hurt. Sometimes I really doubt if she had some awful relationship in the past which made her so scared like this, but she told me she never had one.
But this is basicly her choice, if she decide to remain in that circle, there is nothing I can do about it.
I am a person who is really willing to take criticize and negative comments, as long as they are constructive, because I knew this is the only way that I can improve and become better in the future. But I refuse to blame myself for the mistake that I didn't commit.

 

[kinghatred]

A lot of people have issues that affect their behavior, and the sort of behavior she displays is so common among young women that some people suggest playing into that ahead of time by being a bit more evasive and guarded with your feelings.

Now from what I've experienced with girls, it's actually a good thing to be in tune with your emotions and to vocalize your feelings, but only with the right girl. Oftentimes it's in your best interest to spot a woman who's a waste of time as early as possible. You'll get better at it as you get older, and that will allow you to protect yourself better until you're with a girl who loves and values you for you - and that's when it's safe to wear your heart on your sleeve. In that regard I think it's best to first go the distance with someone before your emotions come into play. Otherwise, you run the risk of talking too much, being too needy/intense, and having your advances seem disingenuous and unsubstantiated.

Just my 2c.

I totally agree with you, thank you for the suggestion, I will always remember this

 

[hangbi92]

I think love is really complicated. I'm having problems about love right now too. I'm a guy with social phobia, and I like this girl who is the total opposite of me. We were really good friends, until I told her I liked her on Valentine's, everything changed, our distance keep getting larger.
I've never really been in a relationship before so I cannot give you an advice. But I think, if you truly love her for who she is, stay by her side. Having social phobia means she is very insecure and vulnerable.
I hope everything will turn out fine for you. I believe when two people truly love each other, they will end up together eventually.

 

[kinghatred]

I think love is really complicated. I'm having problems about love right now too. I'm a guy with social phobia, and I like this girl who is the total opposite of me. We were really good friends, until I told her I liked her on Valentine's, everything changed, our distance keep getting larger.
I've never really been in a relationship before so I cannot give you an advice. But I think, if you truly love her for who she is, stay by her side. Having social phobia means she is very insecure and vulnerable.
I hope everything will turn out fine for you. I believe when two people truly love each other, they will end up together eventually.

I always thought it was the social phobia that caused her action to be so abnormal, however, couple of weeks ago during a phone conversation, she told me she already got over the social phobia, which I think it's true. She has no problem doing public presentation or hanging out with normal friends. She is just having this new issues, which is called, "afraid of getting too close to anybody."
I thought I love who she is, she is athletic, quiet (I hate girls who are too loud and screaming, yelling all the time), smart and very pretty. Until she suddenly treating me like this. So far it's been 1 whole week, still avoiding me On Sight, no reply, no explanation, nothing. If this is the way of her doing things then unfortunately I don't love who she is. Just imagine if we are really together then later every time there is a conflict she went on like this, avoiding me for endless time, how long could my passion last? I'm not confident at all.

 

[she1slander]

Ok, you know what's funny? After reading all your recent posts and seeing that you've FINALLY realised that she's not the right girl for you, I'm reminded of this guy who I used to chat online for over 2 years who was so obsessed with me, he needed to hear me say that I really didn't feel the same way for him or else he was never gonna stop. At the very start, I told him that I wanted to be friends but he wanted to be more than that. In fact, I had to completely be blunt with him so that he'll learn to accept it and I told him that I didn't love him. I never wanted a relationship but he kept treating it like we were. Just like YOU, he couldn't take a hint.

Look, I think you have some very reasonable explanations as to why you kept hoping and kept taking chances with this girl no matter what the outcome... but let me be honest with you just like I was with him. Here is where you went wrong:

The long confessional email. You decided to WRITE to her instead of CONFRONTING her. And by that, I mean, grab her by the face (or arm) and talk to her. You're already that desperate to find out what's going on, what does it matter now if you appear to be somewhat creepy? Besides, she already knows how aggressive you've been for the last couple of weeks/months, well why not face her like a man, hmm? She can't even face you, make eye contact and yet you chose the passive approach and sent her an email. Then you were surprised that she didn't write you back. (you can imagine my reaction) We all know that having your feelings written down is much easier and less painful than vocalizing them which is why it was ineffective. Words spoken have a much more powerful effect on another person esp. when it's the truth that resonates and hits them like a ton of bricks. Just tell it to her face... tell her how much she's been breaking your heart and how much you really want her to be honest with you so that she can quit running away ('cause you're just gonna keep chasing her, right? )

Might as well if you still have hopes that she'll talk to you.

 

[kinghatred]

Ok, you know what's funny? After reading all your recent posts and seeing that you've FINALLY realised that she's not the right girl for you, I'm reminded of this guy who I used to chat online for over 2 years who was so obsessed with me, he needed to hear me say that I really didn't feel the same way for him or else he was never gonna stop. At the very start, I told him that I wanted to be friends but he wanted to be more than that. In fact, I had to completely be blunt with him so that he'll learn to accept it and I told him that I didn't love him. I never wanted a relationship but he kept treating it like we were. Just like YOU, he couldn't take a hint.

Look, I think you have some very reasonable explanations as to why you kept hoping and kept taking chances with this girl no matter what the outcome... but let me be honest with you just like I was with him. Here is where you went wrong:

The long confessional email. You decided to WRITE to her instead of CONFRONTING her. And by that, I mean, grab her by the face (or arm) and talk to her. You're already that desperate to find out what's going on, what does it matter now if you appear to be somewhat creepy? Besides, she already knows how aggressive you've been for the last couple of weeks/months, well why not face her like a man, hmm? She can't even face you, make eye contact and yet you chose the passive approach and sent her an email. Then you were surprised that she didn't write you back. (you can imagine my reaction) We all know that having your feelings written down is much easier and less painful than vocalizing them which is why it was ineffective. Words spoken have a much more powerful effect on another person esp. when it's the truth that resonates and hits them like a ton of bricks. Just tell it to her face... tell her how much she's been breaking your heart and how much you really want her to be honest with you so that she can quit running away ('cause you're just gonna keep chasing her, right? )

Might as well if you still have hopes that she'll talk to you.

Our stories have little differences, in my part, she told me that she just want be friend at first, I said fine, then she called me back and told me she felt sorry for saying that because she doesn't know how she feels. I gave her valentine gift, she said that's too much, she just want be friend, I said fine, I will do that. Then she called me back at 2 a.m. in the morning and told me she felt sorry for saying that because she think she likes me. Now tell me if I'm wrong but does normal friend do things like that? If she gave me a clear statement that she doesn't like me and stayed with it, then I will never make another move. I got a feeling that she likes me in a special way too, and that's why I started to chasing her aggressively. And let me repeat this: I will NEVER EVER chase a girl who is not interested in me. NEVER EVER, period. This is my principle and I have always sticking to it. So if she is showing that she doesn't like me, then I won't try a single thing after that.
As the face to face confrontation that you mentioned, I have tried that with her in the past, and it worked terribly. She almost got a panic attack when I camped beside her car and tried to talking to her the other time. So, no, I'm not gonna try that again. Besides, it is almost impossible to grab a private moment with her. Let me tell you what she does now: she came to school right before class start, sitting with her friends, and left with her friends together right after class is over. So I can't really go grab her and ask her why even if I wanted to. Spill all that out in front of her friend? 100% chance she gonna have a heart attack.
But seriously, if she respect me even a little bit, she should have replied something. I gave her plenty options. I said even if you really don't know what to do, just tell me you need some time and I will give you time. But I just don't see any reason for doing things like this, this is definitely not what I wanted. I mean it made me felt like I did something really horrible, like killed her cat or danced naked in front of her or something. Nothing that I did should deserve getting treated like this, especially considering all the good things that I did for her in the past.
And I am done trying to work things out on my own, if she felt happy with the way things are right now, why do I want to change it? My final goal of all time is to make her happy, if she felt better by avoiding me, then I will do my best to cooperate with her. I never want to do anything to hurt her, sometimes letting the other person go is also a type of love.

 

[she1slander]

I got a feeling that she likes me in a special way too, and that's why I started to chasing her aggressively. And let me repeat this: I will NEVER EVER chase a girl who is not interested in me. NEVER EVER, period.

That part sounds reasonable but how long ago was that? >.< That story sounds like ages ago and now you've described her to be someone who's already on the verge of running away from a stalker. I was trying to come up with an analogy of a bus driver whose passenger is waiting desperately to get off the bus and once the driver allowed the passenger to leave, the passenger gets off quickly as though she's finally free. And when the driver of the bus drove around searching for his preferred passenger, he found her walking down the streets and followed her around hoping she'll want to get on the bus. But panic ensues and the passenger tries to escape from the bus driver...

So I can't really go grab her and ask her why even if I wanted to. Spill all that out in front of her friend? 100% chance she gonna have a heart attack.

I think you're just overly assuming that she'll get a heart attack or something like that because you deeply fear of showing her how you really feel and how that might hurt her. But if she's completely recovered from her SA, she should be able to handle the consequences to these situations. People who refuse to get close to people just so that they dont get affected by them are STILL affecting people. She's affecting you in ways that she refuse to be accountable of and I doubt she's going to change or grow from this experience until she starts to care about the feelings of others. So when you finally came to the conclusion that her constant avoidance and lack of communication whether by phone, letter or in person displays lack of respect, you decide to call it quits because you've had enough. Fairly understandable but that doesn't mean that you've picked out all the best options. I mean, there's a difference between what you've done then and what you could have done better, which might have resulted in either good or bad situations. Or resulted in one of those make it or break it deals.
That is why I disregarded the whole long email explanation and recommended that you confront her... would have been the icing on the cake.

I never want to do anything to hurt her, sometimes letting the other person go is also a type of love.

That's true but considering all the trouble she's put you through, letting her know the faults on her part because of her.... indifference, I guess that's another word I'd put it, that might do something to OPEN HER EYES a little bit. Now confronting her about these things is difficult to do of course and you worry about how she's gonna react but if you still love her and want her to be happy (in a way that teaches her what you know a relationship or friendship is all about), TELL HER HOW YOU FEEL. Don't try to sugar coat anything but say almost exactly what you wrote on the email you sent her. If what you say doesn't trigger anything to her, then I guess you know what to do after that. Refer a counsellor.