I really wanted to wrote her an email and ask her why she think me in such way. But my consciousness stopped me from doing so. I remembered one famous quote from Daoism: "do not make promise when you are happy, do not make a reply when you are sad and do not make a decision when you are angry. Think three times before you decide to do anything." So I decided to wait until the next morning and see how I feel. And in the next morning, I felt lucky for not doing anything aggressive last night, I was calmed, I told myself, if this is really what she think of me, then I guess we are really not meant to be together. There is no reason for me to retaliate and attack her feeling, because I still love her as always, I can't do things to hurt her, I'd rather myself to be the one that's getting hurt. But since she seems really doesn't like me, I will just treat her politely like a normal friend and try not to bother her again.
And that was what I did on Thursday, I still nod and say hi to her when I saw her but I tried to keep some distance from her. After class, she asked me if I called that guy from church and if I let him know about the "switching to another time". I told her no, I didn't call it off, I will go there by myself. She looked a little surprised, I think in the past I always made it clear that I will go to church or bible study only if she goes too. But this is the first time I've decided to go there without her.
On the way of driving back to home, I received a phone call from her, I couldn't pick it up because I was driving and my phone was in my backpack. I was a little excited because I thought she might be calling because she wanted to go with me. So I called her back when I got back home, I called twice but she didn't pick it up. So my heart was kinda cold again, I was laughing at myself for my naive expectation. I turned off my phone and started to charging it because it's almost out of power.
At 2 a.m. in the morning before I went to sleep, I turned on my cellphone after it was recharged. And then the most surprising thing happened. Guys, I am not exaggerating since there is no reason for me to do so. 1 minute after I turned on my cellphone, it started to ring, I got a call from her. Yes, she called me at 2 a.m. in the morning when she always go to sleep around 10 p.m.. I picked up the phone and said Hello? Because I couldn't imagine it is her. But it was really her. She sounds very tired but she the first couple of things that she said, struck me hard and kinda raised my hope again.
She said, " I just wanna say, I'm really sorry for behave so weird in the past couple of days. I know I like you but I just don't know what to do, I also really like your gift, thank you, but I didn't know what to say at that time...etc"
So, that pretty much started the conversation, we talked for almost 2 hours that night. I told her I was sorry for making aggressive move without consider her feeling and I also told her I was very sad to saw the part from bible that she wanted me to read because I thought she perceived me as sexual immoral and trying to take advantage of her. She said, "no, no that's not what I meant, I was referring that to myself not to you. " Then she told me what is really bothering her. it was at that point, I realized that "social anxiety" was not the thing that causing her problem, she got rid of social anxiety a long time ago, she is fine now. The real problem that is bothering her is "she cannot trust man who is trying to do good things to her because she thinks all they want is sex." She said during her high school and college, guys around her always behave like that, flirting with girls, lure them to have sex then dump them, and later bragging to other people how easy those girls were. She said those things gave her very bad impression of the relationship between boy and girl. and she is assuming this is what every man thinks and acts. She is afraid of getting hurt so she is kinda refusing to accept any intimate relationship.
Well, I told her I felt her pain but at the same time, I promised her I am definitely not that kinda of person. I told her for the past month I been close to her, all I wanted is to do good things for her and make her happy. I'm always giving and never asked anything in return. And honestly, I am a very traditional man, I stayed single for 25 years not because I couldn't get any girls, it's because I haven't met a girl that I like so much that makes me willing to sacrifice so much. Through out these 25 years, I think there were about 5 girls who either asked or inferred that they wanted to be my girlfriend, but I turned all of them down, because I have no feelings for them. My friends accused me for being too picky, I agree, of course I'm picky, because I only date the girl that I think I can spend the rest of my life with her. A lot of my friends don't understand. They were like :"man, you are wasting your life! Why don't you hook up with some girl for now, get some experience, then later chase the one that you like, so you don't have to stay single all the time!" I was like "WTF? playing around with other girl just to get laid? that's pathetic!" I might be an arrogant person, but I do stick with my principles and one of my principle is "never compromise with love." I can see myself living alone, until age 100, laying on the bed by myself and die with no one around. Cool, I'm perfectly fine with this. But laying on a bed and having sex with a girl that I don't like? Hell no! I can never do this. I believe your principle and your attitude defines who you are. you can change your name the next day, no big deal, thats just a title. But once you change your principle, the old you is gone. The "you" that you always been proud of, is disappeared. There is nothing more sad than losing yourself and losing your faith. I am always proud of myself thus, I will never do things against my principle.
She said she admires my principle, but honestly I don't know if she really means it or just trying to say something make me feel better. But this is who I am, and because of my pride. I will never be the one whose begging for the relationship. I always give all I got, put in all my efforts in things that I believe in. I try my best and I leave no regret, if I failed in the end, no problem, I go pursuit another. This is my attitude in this relationship. Basicly at this point, I felt I have done everything I can, what happens next, and what she really thinks of me, are not in my control.
That night we talked a lot about other stuffs, but in the end, I felt we talked out of all the things that bothering us. She still says that she likes me but she doesn't know if she loves me and she still doesn't know what to do. I told her, it's ok, she doesn't has to do anything, I did all those things because I am happy to do it, as long as she is happy, then I will be happy. But honestly guys, A girl called you at 2 a.m. in the morning and talked with you for 2 hours, that has to mean that I am some kinda "special" friend for her, right? Plus in the end, she said we should definitely have another "movie night" at her place. I said that sounds wonderful, I said I downloaded tons of classic movies and i would love to watch with her. Then she joke, "oh those movies you stealing from online? fine but I don't want get caught when you are arrested."
So what do you think guys? Do I still have a chance or not? I felt we have broke the ice at least, but I don't know what would happened when we saw each other face to face again, maybe she will have another panic attack. Or maybe, she doesn't like me in the "romantic way" at all, maybe I'm not her type and she just want some normal friend to hang out with. So what do you think? But to be honest wit you, at this point, even though I love her as much as the first day I saw her, I felt like I can accept any outcome.
