I Need to Get Over A Girl Who I Really Like, I Need Good Advice!

[she1slander]

Yeah, I was over obsessed with her and I tried to analyze every move from her so I can make the right corresponding move. I do think a lot inside but on the outside, I tried to act as cool as possible.

Like what you said here, you kept analyzing her move and oftentimes, her actions speak more of the truth of how she really feels and so I dunno about you but something tells me that she's nothing being completely honest with you... either then up until now. The whole calling you at around 2 a.m., that sounds really sketchy behavior that may translate as "interest" but not really in a good way. :-/ Her behaviors from the beginning up until now have been misleading and you've misinterpreted some that left you feeling cold. So again, should you confront her or not, I'm going to just leave it up to you because it looks like you've already made up your mind that you're not gonna do anything else. But because she showed little respect for your feelings and how much she's affected you (confused the hell outta ya AND the people here lmao), ask yourself then: what have you got to lose? Why not just say what needs to be said? It seems like she'll only tell you what you want to hear or maybe not tell you ANYTHING. A good friend will tell you what you need to hear because he/she CARES about you. A bad friend won't tell you what you need to hear but only what you want to hear and will seek deception and avoidance. :-/ You wanna get over her, don't you?

 

[kinghatred]

Like what you said here, you kept analyzing her move and oftentimes, her actions speak more of the truth of how she really feels and so I dunno about you but something tells me that she's nothing being completely honest with you... either then up until now. The whole calling you at around 2 a.m., that sounds really sketchy behavior that may translate as "interest" but not really in a good way. :-/ Her behaviors from the beginning up until now have been misleading and you've misinterpreted some that left you feeling cold. So again, should you confront her or not, I'm going to just leave it up to you because it looks like you've already made up your mind that you're not gonna do anything else. But because she showed little respect for your feelings and how much she's affected you (confused the hell outta ya AND the people here lmao), ask yourself then: what have you got to lose? Why not just say what needs to be said? It seems like she'll only tell you what you want to hear or maybe not tell you ANYTHING. A good friend will tell you what you need to hear because he/she CARES about you. A bad friend won't tell you what you need to hear but only what you want to hear and will seek deception and avoidance. :-/ You wanna get over her, don't you?

Yes you are right, but I think her action already stated it pretty clear, that she is not interested at me and she doesn't want anything personal to do with me at the moment. It is fine with me, I will move on and leave her alone.

 

[R3K]

I do think a lot inside but on the outside, I tried to act as cool as possible.

trust me, women can see through our outter shells and read our intentions no matter how cool we act... i don't know how they do it, but they do it. some kind of prgrammed instinct in all women - idk.

 

[kinghatred]

Confrontation is totally unnecessary at the moment, I was blinded by my passion , and not able to see her action clearly before. It was inferring to me a long time ago that she doesn't like me in a romantic way. I guess she doesn't want to tell me straight before because she was afraid to hurt me. But her "soft way" of doing things made me wonder if there was chance for me to fight for, which eventually made things more complicated than she expected. Then she finally broken down because she doesn't know what to do or what to say; She doesn't like me but can't find a reason to reject me since I've been treating her real nice, so she choose to avoid all of this altogether so she doesn't have to worry over it anymore. <--- I think this is exactly what's going on in her mind.

I understood why she behave this way now, but I still have to say: she is kind of weak person. I'm afraid she will have trouble to deal with future relationship even if she met somebody that she really likes later, because you know, relationships are always complicated. I hope she will become stronger and more confident and be able to find the person who she really loves.

 

[R3K]

Confrontation is totally unnecessary at the moment, I was blinded by my passion , and not able to see her action clearly before. It was inferring to me a long time ago that she doesn't like me in a romantic way. I guess she doesn't want to tell me straight before because she was afraid to hurt me. But her "soft way" of doing things made me wonder if there was chance for me to fight for, which eventually made things more complicated than she expected. Then she finally broken down because she doesn't know what to do or what to say; She doesn't like me but can't find a reason to reject me since I've been treating her real nice, so she choose to avoid all of this altogether so she doesn't have to worry over it anymore. <--- I think this is exactly what's going on in her mind.

I understood why she behave this way now, but I still have to say: she is kind of weak person. I'm afraid she will have trouble to deal with future relationship even if she met somebody that she really likes later, because you know, relationships are always complicated. I hope she will become stronger and more confident and be able to find the person who she really loves.

very profound words. imagine if we (men) had such clarity on the outset of courting a girl we liked, there'd be much less stress and pain. also, probly no drama/fun or movies about such. why do women drive men so crazy like this?

 

[kinghatred]

very profound words. imagine if we (men) had such clarity on the outset of courting a girl we liked, there'd be much less stress and pain. also, probly no drama/fun or movies about such. why do women drive men so crazy like this?

I felt like I can write a book of why do women drive men so crazy lol. But to keep things concise, I think it's simply because that woman does not like that man as much as that man likes that woman.
Women were taught to be passive in relationship, which means most of the time, they will be the one who gets chased, which means they are in total control to accept or reject whoever they want. It is their privilege. Unless you can attract them strong enough to make them fall in love with you, they will always manipulate that privilege to protect themselves and help them find their ideal men.

 

[Ten]

Keep us updated if you want. I know the whole point now is to get over it but if you don't mind I'd love to hear more even just little things. After all, you see her a lot anyways considering you go to the same school right? Completely forgetting her is out of the question anyway if that's the case... But if you don't want to, I understand.

 

[kinghatred]

Keep us updated if you want. I know the whole point now is to get over it but if you don't mind I'd love to hear more even just little things. After all, you see her a lot anyways considering you go to the same school right? Completely forgetting her is out of the question anyway if that's the case... But if you don't want to, I understand.

LoL, sure I will update if there is anything new happened, seems like you are the only one who is interested and I will keep update just FOR YOU.:: but since we are in "cold war" now, I don't think I will have much to say most of the time.

Well, something new happened yesterday. After we have been avoiding each other for almost 3 weeks, she finally made a move to break the tension.
Actually, she already moved back to her original seat last Tuesday (her original seat is right in front of mine), but we still kinda ignore each other.
Yesterday we had case presentation (we are in the same group), I normally sit right beside her during presentation, but yesterday I sat on the opposite side on purpose, I guess she noticed my intention because there was "abnormal" expression on her face. She is the type of person that whatever she thought will clearly reflect on her face, I can read her feelings most of the time by just observing her face.
Anyway, after the presentation, I packed up asap so I can leave before her, as I heading toward the door, I saw her heading toward the door also. I was like: WTH? That's against the "rule", can't you see I was the trying to leave before you? Why can't you just wait 10 sec?
So as I got out of the classroom, I tried to walk as fast as possible so I will draw some distance from her. But she followed right after me, as I walked down stairs, I think I heard her calling my name, but I wasn't sure because that voice was really small, I was hoping it's not from her because after suffering for 3 weeks, I am finally able to partially get her out of my mind and I really don't want to deal with her problem anymore. So I sped up and rushed out of the front door. But in the meanwhile, I heard the footstep behind me getting closer and closer, eventually the sounds of walking changed to the sounds of running. I was like, oh no, this better not be what I expected.

But it was, she chased me, and called my name right after I got out of the school building. So I turned back, and put on a friendly smile on my face.
Me: Hi
She: Hi, how are you?
Me: good, how are you?
She: fine, hey, you did pretty good on the presentation, kept it interesting.
Me: oh really? I was so nervous that I couldn't even speak fluently.
(50 seconds of random talking, I tried to make her laugh but didn't work very well, she was nervous, eventually we reached the parking lot and we both stopped walking and went silent)
Me: So........ what's up
She: umm......I... ummm.... am sorry for not returning your call.
(she was looking down and I think her eyes turned a little red, I was wondering: is she so nervous that shes about to cry?)
Me: oh no problem, don't even worry about it, it's fine
She: Yeah...... I don't know.....
Me: Well, I was just wondering what did I do that made you so upset, I blamed myself for almost 2 weeks lol.
She: No......it's not you, it's not you.
We: Well I even post (I almost said I post a thread on the forum and everybody said it was my fault, but I stopped), but...umm.... well, then what happened exactly?
She: I don't know...... I really don't know!
(She was shaking her head and I saw the same afraid expression that was on her face when I tried to hug her on that Saturday night after the concert)
She: Well, I got to go, see you later!
Then she ran off.......

 

[kinghatred]

So guys, what was that all about?
This is so manipulating..... I am half way on the process of forgetting her then she made this move, and I have no idea what does she want me to do.
I personally guessing that she was just felt little guilty for not able to reply me for the email that I send and avoiding me for 2 weeks. So, she is doing this so she owes me nothing and won't feel guilty anymore.
Whatever she thinks, since she finally apologized to me (even though I think she definitely owes me one), I felt I have to give some feedback to promote our friendship, if there is any left.

So I called her later, and she didn't pick up, of course, based on how "freaked out" she was at the parking lot, I would be surprised if she picked up my call. So I left her a voice message, saying I'm really glad that we are able to talk again, I really don't care why she avoid me in the first place, as long as we are still talking, that's the most important thing. I also said that she can do whatever she want to do but I will always support her and help her to get through whatever she needs to get through.

Of course, she didn't call back later, and today I saw her school, I just went up and say hi and how are you doing. She replied, but with very concise phrase, apparently she was not in the mood to talk, she looks tired and anxious.

So what do I do now? Do I still keep a distance or do I act like I am still her friend? Because I can do both no problem, I can put on a mask and pretend nothing happened. I was planning to ignore her forever then she did this. I really don't know what she want, I will do whatever she want me to do but I just don't know what she want! Because it seems to me that if I ignore her, she won't feel very well, but if I talk to her, she won't feel well either? So what do I do? ::

I just feel sorry for her.......

 

[she1slander]

Honestly? Whatever we say won't matter much anyway 'cause you'll just go with your gut, right? You're more of a "I'll risk it this time but after that, I won't" kind of guy. You're already at the point of focusing on your own life and basically wanting to move on from her. If you look at it this way (but I'm sure you couldn't or wouldn't 'cause you're too nice lol), she still FAILS at communicating her feelings to you properly... even in that dialogue with her. To me, it all translates as: "It's not you, it's me. But I don't know and I can't explain."

What I don't understand right now is why you're still asking us what WE think you should or could do. We could give you ideas but either way, the decision will still be up to you. Call her! No, don't! Wait! That's a bad idea! tsk tsk tsk. Maybe you should ask yourself the question once again, "Is she really WORTH it?" And didn't you say you want to move on from her? Or maybe you just want to be friends with her in order to help her out because you feel sorry for her... then if that's the case, then do what you feel is the right thing to do. In my opinion, help her. But just remember, it's not gonna be all up to you. You need other people. Talk to her friends or any of the people with whom she's interacted with the most and esp. those times she's avoided you. Surely, you must have had some idea who knows her more than YOU do. If you can't get her to talk to you, talk to the ones who do and maybe you'll get lucky, okie dokie?

On second thought, I think you could just try to let her be and don't bother. Talk to the teachers or students about her 'cause chances are they'll be able to give you much better idea on what's really going on with her that maybe matters later on. But I would just hold up on the decision on trying to be her friend and trying to simply "talk" to her. Seems totally pointless if you ask me.

 

[kinghatred]

Honestly? Whatever we say won't matter much anyway 'cause you'll just go with your gut, right? You're more of a "I'll risk it this time but after that, I won't" kind of guy. You're already at the point of focusing on your own life and basically wanting to move on from her. If you look at it this way (but I'm sure you couldn't or wouldn't 'cause you're too nice lol), she still FAILS at communicating her feelings to you properly... even in that dialogue with her. To me, it all translates as: "It's not you, it's me. But I don't know and I can't explain."

What I don't understand right now is why you're still asking us what WE think you should or could do. We could give you ideas but either way, the decision will still be up to you. Call her! No, don't! Wait! That's a bad idea! tsk tsk tsk. Maybe you should ask yourself the question once again, "Is she really WORTH it?" And didn't you say you want to move on from her? Or maybe you just want to be friends with her in order to help her out because you feel sorry for her... then if that's the case, then do what you feel is the right thing to do. In my opinion, help her. But just remember, it's not gonna be all up to you. You need other people. Talk to her friends or any of the people with whom she's interacted with the most and esp. those times she's avoided you. Surely, you must have had some idea who knows her more than YOU do. If you can't get her to talk to you, talk to the ones who do and maybe you'll get lucky, okie dokie?

On second thought, I think you could just try to let her be and don't bother. Talk to the teachers or students about her 'cause chances are they'll be able to give you much better idea on what's really going on with her that maybe matters later on. But I would just hold up on the decision on trying to be her friend and trying to simply "talk" to her. Seems totally pointless if you ask me.

hmmm... this is what I am doing also, I just stayed the same and left her alone. I was trying to move on because I thought we will keep avoiding each other forever. Well, the way she acts on Tuesday kinda give me a little hope at first but then I realized that my heart is kinda cold already. At this point, I still think it is up to her to decide what she really wants, since she still can't figure out why, I guess I will just give her more time to think

 

[R3K]

wheew... that dialogue you illustrated between you and her was like the script from some gut-wrenchingly sad 1950s romance movie, was just missing the sound effects of the train departing with all the steam and the conductor yelling all aboard!... man, i'm chokin up just over the mental picture gotdamn ::...

how long until your dang class is over lol? sheesh it seems like torture for you to have to endure being caged in a room with her several times a week. i mean, if you feel you've settled into a comfortable "friend zone" position with her then i guess it's not that bad, but, it also looks like you guys might be more than sufficiently estranged, which can cause quite a bit of agony to both parties.

Estrange(d):

1. to turn away in feeling or affection; make unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections of: Their quarrel estranged the two friends.
2. to remove to or keep at a distance: The necessity for traveling on business has estranged him from his family.
3. to divert from the original use or possessor.

 

[Ten]

Well I wouldn't have called her after that confrontation to tell her anything. I think you should keep distance and just let time go by. You can say hi and everything but I'd just forget about her and see what she does over time. I wouldn't keep telling her I support her in everything she wants to do or any of that kind of stuff. Just go with the flow of life and hang out with other friends for a while. Doesn't mean you have to ignore her and be rude but I wouldn't invite her anywhere unless she invites you and even then I'd suggest making up excuses not to go. Play this on for a little while and just let her do whatever she wants. Maybe she'll eventually jump on you and kiss you, or maybe she just basically does not want to be around you anymore but felt too awkward going so long without talking so she just wanted to apologize and be done with it.. lol just let whatever happens happen but don't take any more initiative.

Any way that's just my personal opinion.

 

[kinghatred]

wheew... that dialogue you illustrated between you and her was like the script from some gut-wrenchingly sad 1950s romance movie, was just missing the sound effects of the train departing with all the steam and the conductor yelling all aboard!... man, i'm chokin up just over the mental picture gotdamn ::...

how long until your dang class is over lol? sheesh it seems like torture for you to have to endure being caged in a room with her several times a week. i mean, if you feel you've settled into a comfortable "friend zone" position with her then i guess it's not that bad, but, it also looks like you guys might be more than sufficiently estranged, which can cause quite a bit of agony to both parties.

Estrange(d):

1. to turn away in feeling or affection; make unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections of: Their quarrel estranged the two friends.
2. to remove to or keep at a distance: The necessity for traveling on business has estranged him from his family.
3. to divert from the original use or possessor.

This is a very precise word you got there, Estrange is exactly what we are doing to each other. I don't know how she feels about this, but for me, after tried different ways to approach her, the best solution that I have concluded is to just leave her alone. It is really not what I really want to do, but what I have to do. She acted awkward and uncomfortable whenever I tried to speak to her, I mean what else can I do to make her feel better? Leave her alone.

 

[kinghatred]

Well I wouldn't have called her after that confrontation to tell her anything. I think you should keep distance and just let time go by. You can say hi and everything but I'd just forget about her and see what she does over time. I wouldn't keep telling her I support her in everything she wants to do or any of that kind of stuff. Just go with the flow of life and hang out with other friends for a while. Doesn't mean you have to ignore her and be rude but I wouldn't invite her anywhere unless she invites you and even then I'd suggest making up excuses not to go. Play this on for a little while and just let her do whatever she wants. Maybe she'll eventually jump on you and kiss you, or maybe she just basically does not want to be around you anymore but felt too awkward going so long without talking so she just wanted to apologize and be done with it.. lol just let whatever happens happen but don't take any more initiative.

Any way that's just my personal opinion.

Yeah you got a good point, she just want to apologize and be done with it. It would make me feel better too, I don't want anything to do with her if things keep staying like this. I will have fun with my other friends for a while

 

[Kiwong]

Time is probably the only thing. Losing love is a kind of grief, like a death in the family. Maybe in time other thoughts will occupy your mind, maybe you will start thinking of someone else.

 

[Kiwong]

trust me, women can see through our outter shells and read our intentions no matter how cool we act... i don't know how they do it, but they do it. some kind of prgrammed instinct in all women - idk.

No they can't, they're thinking can be as dysfunctional as anyone elses.

I've see people put two and two together about my anxiety and come up with 5.

Sometimes I feel like saying bzzzzzt......wrong. But I always hold my silence.

 

[R3K]

No they can't, they're thinking can be as dysfunctional as anyone elses.

I've see people put two and two together about my anxiety and come up with 5.

Sometimes I feel like saying bzzzzzt......wrong. But I always hold my silence.

bleh, i got caught generalizing again. i guess i shoulda been more specific, saying: in the whole romance and courtship scene, as we (men in general, not just social phobics) are stumbling over our words and sweating, are easy to read by our female counterparts.

@kinghatred: how far into the semester are you btw? i almost want to recommend you try to switch to a different period/day, or to another professor's class if possible. maybe talk to the admissions ppl and explain that you have an issue with a student in your class and try to work something out. Note: i'm not saying there really is a serious issue, but it could help with the whole estrangement and take the stress off both your guys' backs. like Ten and Kiwong are saying, time and space will solve everything.

 

[kinghatred]

bleh, i got caught generalizing again. i guess i shoulda been more specific, saying: in the whole romance and courtship scene, as we (men in general, not just social phobics) are stumbling over our words and sweating, are easy to read by our female counterparts.

@kinghatred: how far into the semester are you btw? i almost want to recommend you try to switch to a different period/day, or to another professor's class if possible. maybe talk to the admissions ppl and explain that you have an issue with a student in your class and try to work something out. Note: i'm not saying there really is a serious issue, but it could help with the whole estrangement and take the stress off both your guys' backs. like Ten and Kiwong are saying, time and space will solve everything.

lol, unfortunately, we are in graduate school, the schedule and classroom are fixed, so there is no way to change, everybody in our class will be stuck together for 4 whole years. The good thing is, we have 2 more months to finish our 3rd year, and on the 4th year it's all rotation, so basicly we will just have to bear with each other for another 2 months.

 

[Sartana]

Well I wouldn't have called her after that confrontation to tell her anything. I think you should keep distance and just let time go by. You can say hi and everything but I'd just forget about her and see what she does over time. I wouldn't keep telling her I support her in everything she wants to do or any of that kind of stuff. Just go with the flow of life and hang out with other friends for a while. Doesn't mean you have to ignore her and be rude but I wouldn't invite her anywhere unless she invites you and even then I'd suggest making up excuses not to go. Play this on for a little while and just let her do whatever she wants. Maybe she'll eventually jump on you and kiss you, or maybe she just basically does not want to be around you anymore but felt too awkward going so long without talking so she just wanted to apologize and be done with it.. lol just let whatever happens happen but don't take any more initiative.

Any way that's just my personal opinion.

This.

Stop chasing her! If she phones you or wants to talk to her then do so, but don't phone her back. It makes you look really desperate. She's done the push and pull game long enough. I know this kind of thing isn't a game, but you should start playing it like one, and not to 'get even' but to get some dignity back.

She sounds massively awkward, and from everything you've said, she really isn't in the position to be in any kind of relationship at all. Just reply to her out of courtesy, but don't chase it's a waste of time.