I cannot cope with this

[Falkor]

I feel terrible. I was just sitting at the table. I started to feel all anxious, and I was looking with my head down, looking unhappy. I felt so awful, like I couldn´t relate to my body anymore, I felt insecure, dying, a huge shame about my appearance. I looked in the mirror at the dinner table, and I started to feel worse. My mom asked me ´´What´s going on, youre looking mad´´
I said, ´´I´m not mad, I´m not feeling well´´ She said, ´´Suddenly, there must be a reason for it!´´ I said, ´´Anxiety, fear..´´ And I walked away to the bathroom. my mom opened the bathroom and she screamed ´´You have to eat!!´´ I was going to the table and I was walking like a robot, I was all tensed and I could only move my arms and hands and I looked like a freak.
My brother was looking at me, with big eyes, like analyzing me. ARGH i hate that. I feel like the most ugly ducklin in the world. I hate myself, when I look into the mirror, I feel like a troll. I wish I could be happy with myself, that is my wish, but I feel dissapointed .. so dissapointing. I´m crying right now. My mom said, ´´Where at home, you are safe here , you shouldn´t feel this way´! I said, ´´I can´t help this, I feel this way so many times´´

I think it has something to do with my past, sexual abuse, i think.
I disgust myself because of that happening. Since that happened to me,
And the bullying past, All the people who called me ´´Dyke´´ because I was having short hair and men clothes, I just like to wear those things.
I didn´t feel accepted.. Still don´t. I feel awfull.
But now I also like to wear feminine clothes, In the past I didn´t care.
I even like to wear tight shirts, just because I know it looks good on me
Now I care too much. I´m self concious about my clothes,
I´m afraid people reject me on it. Because people bullied me very bad.
I´m afraid people think I´m like a boy. In the past bullies have undressed me just to check if I´m a girl. Of course I´m a gurl.
I hate them.

i FAIL, failed again. I was doing so great, and now I´m messing it all up again. I hate my life, I sure have some positive sides, But they are not good enough to cover my pain. I feel like a complaining freak and my self hate is growing.
All these thoughts came up, while having dinner. My parents were frustrated because they want me to be positive. But hey, all these freaking monsters have killed my dreams. I can´t be like that every day.
Even though the last months I was doing so great. I was facing my fears.

But this happens too many times, feeling unworthy, wants to show everyone I can overcome sa, but I just can´t. Because I don´t love myself.
People showed me how much they hated me, they didn´t accept me, they threated me like ****. But nowadays I have great friends who support me, but still I feel like I don´t deserve all of those goodness.
I´m afraid people see the way, I see myself. I´m afraid... what people think of me... I´m afraid if I would ever get the chance of freedom.. of this suffering.

How can I be able to ever be free from this... this is hard

 

[Emmaa]

I was just looking at your YouTube channel and I was so inspired. You are an incredible person, even if you don't feel it right now.. That's one of the problems with us, we have major lows and we might get the odd high (if we're lucky..)

Seriously, though, I know I sound stalkerish but you are such an inspiration and incredibly talented, don't let yourself get so down and don't be too hard on yourself!

 

[Confuseddd]

Its ok sweetey
It sounds like your parents dont understand what you go through... I do because I have the same issues as you do. Insecure about your appearance? As am I..
I've thought I had BDD for awhile now and it might be a good idea to look into that. Don't pay much attention to what your family does because they dont understand what your going through. You cant blame them although because they have no means to be able to understand. Things will get better, I promise time is what you need.
In a week, todays emotions will be long gone.
Try to understand that it is NOT your fault those sick people or person sexually abused you. That is not your fault, you should say that to yourself. It is the sick person who did that who deserves to feel ashamed not you !
Those bullies sound disgusting as well and likewise not your fault. I honestly understand you, because you and I have some similar problems.
If you need someone to talk to I can tell you more if you PM me.
Please feel free to message me I would love to see if I can show you that your not alone with these feelings and maybe offer some help.
Hope you feel better <3

 

[Falkor]

I was just looking at your YouTube channel and I was so inspired. You are an incredible person, even if you don't feel it right now.. That's one of the problems with us, we have major lows and we might get the odd high (if we're lucky..)

Seriously, though, I know I sound stalkerish but you are such an inspiration and incredibly talented, don't let yourself get so down and don't be too hard on yourself!

Thank you Emmaa, That means alot to me. Ill try but still it´s a long way to ´´not be so hard on myself´´ Because that´s what I do all the time.
Thanks for the compliments

 

[Falkor]

Its ok sweetey
It sounds like your parents dont understand what you go through... I do because I have the same issues as you do. Insecure about your appearance? As am I..
I've thought I had BDD for awhile now and it might be a good idea to look into that. Don't pay much attention to what your family does because they dont understand what your going through. You cant blame them although because they have no means to be able to understand. Things will get better, I promise time is what you need.
In a week, todays emotions will be long gone.
Try to understand that it is NOT your fault those sick people or person sexually abused you. That is not your fault, you should say that to yourself. It is the sick person who did that who deserves to feel ashamed not you !
Those bullies sound disgusting as well and likewise not your fault. I honestly understand you, because you and I have some similar problems.
If you need someone to talk to I can tell you more if you PM me.
Please feel free to message me I would love to see if I can show you that your not alone with these feelings and maybe offer some help.
Hope you feel better <3

Thanks for your nice words confuseddd, your post is really uplifting thank you
i just posted on your wall (= hope you like it

 

[DespairSoul]

FLOWIE,

aww cutiepie Im sorry to hear it and read it your post touch my heart so much, because
i know how does feel if u feel unhappy with this what u see in mirror. Your parents cant never understand this because they dont feel way what u feel about them and also so not about YOU!!! I personaly if i would get million of compliments still i will sing the same song literally and say i dont look good and i look ugly, still i will say it if million people will stand in front of me and screaming this one me on me in huge crowd. U must find the point of your acceptance for loving your self u know that well alone U have so much dares and talents, dont let them dameged of being down whole live. Use them for your happiness. U know the way how to cope with that only u must be strong and step after step going even if hurts and around u should be seas of tears and pain!!! You are amazing and beautiful girl u must start seeing u as we see u!!! Take care Flowie ;oXXXX

 

[Phoenixx]

In the past bullies have undressed me just to check if I´m a girl. Of course I´m a gurl.

I can't believe someone would do that to another person! Seriously?? That's so wrong, I'm so sorry that happened to you. :: I know it's way easier said than done, but try not to think about that horrible past. You're an incredibly talented and pretty girl. Just hang in there and keep fighting.

 

[Kiwong]

Don't hate yourself. You're better than alright and deserve every bit of goodness from your friends. Listen to the positive voices within yourself and others and sometimes it will make perfect sense.

There are a few people who have shown me spite, and called me names because of my anxiety. It makes me angry but I refuse to let the opinions of those I have lost all respect for let me descen into self hate.

 

[dragonoth]

How did you start feeling like this? A bad day? Something hurtful that someone said to you?

 

[Falkor]

How did you start feeling like this? A bad day? Something hurtful that someone said to you?

Out of sudden. I started having thoughts about the past, like flashbacks, pictures of bad times.
I start to feel frustrated, But I think it comes from the thought, going to school again. Fear of failure, embarrasment and bullies.
I´m afraid people will look down on me again, like I´m worthless.
But I should not forget I did have a great year in school too, those people were really amazing friends.
But still, the people have been saying so much rude stuff to me. Started to believe ém.

I hope people will respect me, and not threat me like ****.
And,,, I want to deliver great school tasks and work.
I didn´t go to school in 3 years, that´s a long time.
I should not fail! I hate failures.
I´m working on school now, reading lessons on the web.
Reading books, Working on my german and french.
Working on math. I spent alot of time doing that now.
Just because I seriously wanna go for it.

but still the fear, of people judging me so bad like they did before.

 

[Sick Nick]

You got to be patient. Keep putting yourself out there and fight it. It's not easy. Everyday I go to work I feel it, that fear, and I have those ticks where I do something weird like smile weird, move my head every direction to avoid eye contact, shake, twitch, or put my hands together like I am praying and blow into them like I am trying to warm them up. I hate it too. Got to keep on going out there and living though. Cause there are good people out there that will love and appreciate you I promise you that. All those people that make you feel bad and don't understand you don't matter. Those that love you unconditionally and respect you are who matter. You are beautiful, talented, and a sweet girl. Don't ever let anyone break you and let you feel like you don't belong here. The world is better with you than without you. Will write more when I can. Off to work I go to face my fears and make that money.

 

[dragonoth]

Whenever you start to think of the Past, you could try distracting yourself. Obviously it pains you a lot to think about such things so why not think about other things instead, maybe of a tv programme you like to watch?
You say that people have said rude and bad things to you...But what about your friends and loved ones? What do they say about you? The difference between those people and your loved ones is that your loved ones know you much better than anyone else.

 

[Aussie_Lad]

Sending positive vibes your way, wishing you all the happiness that life can bring.

 

[Madix]

I really feel your pain. but the past can only haunt for so long, until you stand up and do something about it. and just tell yourself that its over. I can relate. my whole childhood is based upon getting bullied. getting jumped walking to or from school. I've been beaten, stabbed, and shot in the leg once. its the story of my life. but thats what I get for living in a poor ghetto neighborhood. that fact is...I understand your mental situation because I feel it too. I haven't watched ur videos or anything cuz my internet sucks. but you seem like a very sweet girl. dont let it get to your head. it'll be alright.

 

[Feathers]

Out of sudden. I started having thoughts about the past, like flashbacks, pictures of bad times.
I start to feel frustrated, But I think it comes from the thought, going to school again. Fear of failure, embarrasment and bullies.
I´m afraid people will look down on me again, like I´m worthless.
But I should not forget I did have a great year in school too, those people were really amazing friends.
But still, the people have been saying so much rude stuff to me. Started to believe ém.

I hope people will respect me, and not threat me like ****.
And,,, I want to deliver great school tasks and work.
I didn´t go to school in 3 years, that´s a long time.
I should not fail! I hate failures.
I´m working on school now, reading lessons on the web.
Reading books, Working on my german and french.
Working on math. I spent alot of time doing that now.
Just because I seriously wanna go for it.

but still the fear, of people judging me so bad like they did before.

Hey Saskia! You're a wonderful girl!!

Even if those awful bullies bullied you in the past (that says more about their own stupidity!!), that's in the past now!! Maybe you can learn some martial arts and self-defense? I'd really recommend that to you!! So you at least know some basic things, and can give them a 'mean eye' (usually people leave you alone if you look at them mean - like if you're in a VERY bad mood or look very determined as to where you're going in a hurry/ignoring them..)
Do you know anyone who has been at a self-defense class? A friend (and Grandma) told me some basic self-defense things and it was much easier to walk around knowing that.. Some stuff is online too, about how to be safe etc.
Can you get a friend/ascquaintance to go to the same school with?

Can you do some EFT & TAT on those memories? (free pdf online, emofree.com and tatlife.com) That was helpful to me.. to dissolve the bad memories..

as for eating and such, maybe your mom was worried you might have an eating disorder too, or just wanted you all to eat together.. yup, it's difficult for people without PTSD or such to understand it..

It's great you've been working on languages and math! That will be very helpful! You are brave to go to school again!!

It's normal to feel scared, I've been scared before some important meetings/interviews or such too!! The important thing is to do it anyway!! To be brave and do what you wish to do!!

You will also be older and wiser, so I think most people won't dare to mess with you, and will admire you if anything!! (It's probably better to keep it secret at first that you are on YouTube and have had sa, at least that is what I would do.. at least until you get to know them better..)
Some really cool singers/artists got bullied in the past too, and survived it and created great music anyway!!

 

[StupidWiz]

"it's not my fault"

That sentence looks simple but it is powerful to use against self hating attitude. I was also bullied in school and even by my own mother. Because of them I've developed self hate in me every time I'm feeling down. I keep saying "It's not my fault" to myself whenever the "other me" tries to judge and hate me.

What those bullies did to you was terrible, I can never understand the pain you've been through because of them, I feel sad just to hear that and I can only hope you can be strong and keep fighting, keep being positive, it's good to hear you started to study again, just hang in there and remember that you can always vent here if you ever feel down...

 

[panicsurvivor]

Flowergirlie.
I just wanted to tell you a funny little story that might cheer you up. I was reading this thread, and I decided to check out your youtube channel. I listened to you sing and talk about your SA. My twin daughters came into the den and asked me "who is that girl daddy?"'
"Thats one of daddys computer friends" I replied.
"Whats a computer friend?" my second daughter asked.
"That means that she lives far away and daddy can't see her in real life, but we talk through the computer."
My first daughter interupted us and said "she is really pretty daddy, and she sings pretty too. Can I sing like that when I get bigger?"
"If you practice" I said.
My second daughter stared for a long time at you and then asked me, "Why does she look sad daddy?"
I looked at her for a minute because I was impressed that she got that from watching you sing. "Well" I said carefully "She doesn't think she is pretty, and she feels afraid of people a lot of the time."
"Is she afraid of people because her daddy isn't big and strong like you?" she asked.
"Well", I said "I don't know about her daddy but people have been mean to her and made her feel ugly like she isn't good enough, does that make sense?"
My second daughter thought about this for a second, but my first daughter had a solution. She is not quite as thoughtful as my second daughter she is more practical. "You should beat them up daddy, they were mean to her so you should beat them up like you do bob (my fight dummy)."
"Well they all live far away, I can't." This bothered my first daughter, so she sulked angrily.
"I know", my second daughter said, after thinking about it for a while. "She can be our sister. Then you can make her safe!! Whenever me and Tyler are scared of monsters and bad people, we hug you and then we know that you will get the monsters and kick them and punch them. She can sleep on Tylers bed and me and Tyler will sleep on my bed."
Then my first daughter said, "and she can sing to us when we go to sleep."
They ask me about you now. I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I thought it was just about the cutest thing ever. I was very proud of them. I thought you would like to know that there are two more people out there who care about you and are rooting for you.

 

[Chriiss]

^^^ Thats Amazing.

 

[Falkor]

That´s just soo sweet! :: This really brought a smile on my face
Thank you for sharing, It´s funny and cute !! thank them for me ^^

 

[Emmaa]

That made me well up! So sweet.