PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
Omg that's actually really funny
How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
She isn't using SPW anymore
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Thinking it might be time to check oot, dae masel’ in. Don’t know how many mair years ah cun tolerate. But then ah wus really supposed to make it to this age anyway. The past 15 to 19 years o’ ma life huv been hellish. Should’ve ticked that box marked “fleeing domestic abuse” on ma housing application, ah bet I’d have got a house of my own within months had I done so.
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
Stuck. Trapped. Repeating the same bullshit over and over and over.
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
I'm waiting twelve hours so I can just go back to bed.
No money, no gas, and no food in the place other than what's stocked-up here for Gus. I'm bummed because there's no good places to walk him. Everywhere I go is either in a bad part of town or just way too open and visible. When I lived in the town prior, they had this great, giant park that no one hardly went to and me and Charley just walked for hours and hours.
I'm also in a bad mood because I'm being pressured to see a therapist again. There's not much money set aside for this and I worry about choosing someone under such circumstances. Convenience and affordability shouldn't be the main criteria for selecting a psychologist. Also, all the therapist I see online are either younger than me or look like old hippies. I wish I had the funds to see an actual Psychiatrist again.
Woe is me, ha ha.
No money, no gas, and no food in the place other than what's stocked-up here for Gus. I'm bummed because there's no good places to walk him. Everywhere I go is either in a bad part of town or just way too open and visible. When I lived in the town prior, they had this great, giant park that no one hardly went to and me and Charley just walked for hours and hours.
I'm also in a bad mood because I'm being pressured to see a therapist again. There's not much money set aside for this and I worry about choosing someone under such circumstances. Convenience and affordability shouldn't be the main criteria for selecting a psychologist. Also, all the therapist I see online are either younger than me or look like old hippies. I wish I had the funds to see an actual Psychiatrist again.
Woe is me, ha ha.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Who cares... ? I’m just a joke anyway. Laughed at when I ask a straight forward question, as I’m asking the dumbest question ever. Treated with utter contempt by my mother and sibling.
Yet, I’m the c__t if I even dare treat them the they do me. And I’m still expected to justify every f…kin’ decision ah make in my life, like what I decide to have for my f__kin’ dinner !
Still, at least my nieces don’t treat me like $h!%* — no yet, anyway.
Laughed at when I ask a straight forward question, as I’m asking the dumbest question ever. Treated with utter contempt by my mother and sibling. Yet, I’m the c__t if I even dare treat them the they do me. And I’m still expected to justify every f…kin’ decision ah make in my life, like what I decide to have for my f__kin’ dinner !
Still, at least my nieces don’t treat me like $h!%* — no yet, anyway.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
F__K !! Every-f__kin'-time withoot fail...
If ah ask for summit tae be done: "Oh, could ye dae this fur me, the morn?" The response is "Aye, nae bother !".
Then next day rolls aroon n' it: "Eh, could we change that tae the morra, instead?"
Mibbe ah should just no bother relying upon anybuddy...? They just seem to let me doon regardless.
If ah ask for summit tae be done: "Oh, could ye dae this fur me, the morn?" The response is "Aye, nae bother !".
Then next day rolls aroon n' it: "Eh, could we change that tae the morra, instead?"
Mibbe ah should just no bother relying upon anybuddy...? They just seem to let me doon regardless.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Yin minute it's... "Naw, cannae dae it". Then aw o' a suddenly, oot o' naewhere. they'll change their minds.
And they call me indecisive? F__kin' hell !
And they call me indecisive? F__kin' hell !
Phoenixx
Well-known member
Thanks Blue. I did have a good weekend last week. But overall, it still didn't help how I feel.
I'm stuck in a part of my life that I expected not to be stuck in and now I'm in a hurry to get out. I feel like this frustration won't go away until something changes. I'm so afraid that nothing is going to change and I'm going to lose my mind in the process.
Everything is expensive, my job and wage suck, I have something better lined up that I can't get to, and I'm tired of living in this town and I want to move.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I was scanning through the tv stations earlier today, and for a minute or two I landed on Beyblade, and is was very intensely emotional as anime tends to be. And I was sitting there watching it as an adult, thinking about how the kids in this show treated this spinning-top game like it was as important as literal life and death. Now of course this is an anime, meaning the stakes may very well have been that high, but my point just being that shows like this and Yugioh and things like that are able to make the most mundane, meaningless things like spinning tops or a card game feel like the most intensely important thing in the world.
And I found myself feeling envious of that.
Like I know the dramatics and over-the-top feelings that come with those types of things are ridiculous from the outside looking in, but to be able to get myself to feel that way about things like that would be incredible. I know if I felt like I had to save up for new Beyblade parts or for the next dungeon monster's city tournament and that it was really, really important, I would be much more enthusiastic and driven to do my job and make money.
I just feel like if I had something really important that I cared about intensely or a particularly meaningful purpose or goal it would make everything else worth trying harder for. But I don't feel that way, not truly, about anything anymore and haven't for a while. I wish I could know how those fucking kids care so much about Beyblade. I think I actually have a pretty good idea of how to answer that question, but at the current moment swearing about some fictional animated children enjoy a game is the unproductive thing I want to do.
And I found myself feeling envious of that.
Like I know the dramatics and over-the-top feelings that come with those types of things are ridiculous from the outside looking in, but to be able to get myself to feel that way about things like that would be incredible. I know if I felt like I had to save up for new Beyblade parts or for the next dungeon monster's city tournament and that it was really, really important, I would be much more enthusiastic and driven to do my job and make money.
I just feel like if I had something really important that I cared about intensely or a particularly meaningful purpose or goal it would make everything else worth trying harder for. But I don't feel that way, not truly, about anything anymore and haven't for a while. I wish I could know how those fucking kids care so much about Beyblade. I think I actually have a pretty good idea of how to answer that question, but at the current moment swearing about some fictional animated children enjoy a game is the unproductive thing I want to do.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
Great post Vj.
I've spent many years trying to recapture how I felt about things as a kid. It's when life was simpler, the world was mysterious and anything was possible. As I grew up I realize it's just not like that and it led me to feeling deflated about life. I still am.
I've thought deeply about what truly excites me and there are 3 things. The first one is impossible, the second I'm coming to realize its probably not going to happen, the third relates more to what you've said.
1) Impossible. The unknown does excite me. But the unknown I'm referring to is out there, in space. I feel like I'm an explorer at heart. Yet I am born too late to explore the world, too early to explore the universe.
2) Doubtful. Meeting the right person (gf/bf/partner) can really change your life. But I feel like no one understands me and the fact I'm quite different means at least in the mainstream, I'm probably never going to find that person. I really do feel like I'd be more suited to a 'not so social' partner. Maybe even someone with SA lol. But the women who do seem interested just don't fit me in that sense. So yea..
3) Possible. One thing I really do enjoy is getting out of my comfort zone, travelling overseas. To do this means becoming a slave to the system, full time job etc.. which I'm working at. I would love to be able to head overseas and explore once, maybe twice a year. Then come home to a secluded home surrounded by trees.. ideally with a partner that wants the same.
So yea man, I understand how you're feeling. I've been trying to recapture the excitement and passion of childhood for years.
BlueDays
1
I agree with Pug, that is a great post, vj.
Anything in life that did excite me when I was a child, became impossible to follow after I developed SA and depression.
I know it is very cynical, but I accepted many years ago that never feeling like anything was really important, and therefore never being insanely enthusiastic about striving for something, was inevitable due to my SA.
Don't think I didn't try, I tried and failed a few times in life.
I don't know what is worse; desperately wanting to feel really enthusiastic about something like you vj, or resigning yourself to never being able to, like me?
LoyalXenite
Well-known member
God I feel both of these so deeply it echos within my very soul
FountainandFairfax
in a VAN down by the RIVER
I'm feeling great:
Sigourney Weaver Reminisces on Her Career, Alien, Avatar and the New Ghostbusters !
Sigourney Weaver Reminisces on Her Career, Alien, Avatar and the New Ghostbusters !
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Not great. Contemplating killin’ masel’... since things huv’nae got any better in the last 2 years.
Don’t know how much more ah cun actually tolerate. 20 plus years and counting...
Still caught in the middle o’ the same ol’ dysfunctional family drama. Having to keep ma gob shut, least ah say what I actually think o’ them. And they’ll no like that, ataw. No ! Cuz how dare the spastic with a physical and learning disability challenge the notion that starting arguments on a nearly daily basis isn’t normal.
Channeling all my negative feelings into my music seems utterly pointless. Since I’m hardly purging what’s bothering me, if I’m still forced to interact with the people that are making me feel like $h!%* on a daily basis. I’d see point if I was drawing upon my current situation as a past experience, if that makes sense?
And I’m done hoping for this supposed “Maybe some day, mibbe yin day soon...” Aye right. They’ll never change. Nay chance ! Since it’s far easier to say you’ll change than actually doing it.
Don’t know how much more ah cun actually tolerate.
20 plus years and counting...Still caught in the middle o’ the same ol’ dysfunctional family drama.
Having to keep ma gob shut, least ah say what I actually think o’ them. And they’ll no like that, ataw. No ! Cuz how dare the spastic with a physical and learning disability challenge the notion that starting arguments on a nearly daily basis isn’t normal.Channeling all my negative feelings into my music seems utterly pointless. Since I’m hardly purging what’s bothering me, if I’m still forced to interact with the people that are making me feel like $h!%* on a daily basis. I’d see point if I was drawing upon my current situation as a past experience, if that makes sense?
And I’m done hoping for this supposed “Maybe some day, mibbe yin day soon...” Aye right. They’ll never change. Nay chance ! Since it’s far easier to say you’ll change than actually doing it.
vj288
not actually Fiona Apple
I will say you did hit that one on the money, as that is what I was alluding to at the end when I said I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. And with a comfort zone as small as I have let mine get it's not exactly hard for me to wander out of it. It's one of those things that I know would more often than not be worth it in the end, but while it is staring me in the face I don't want any part of.