How are you feeling?

[theslowesthand]

"You have about a 1 in 2,000,000 chance of being struck by lightning."

What if you're holding a metal rod above your head :question:

 

[AtTheGates]

Saw this quote earlier and It has a really simple , yet positive message. I think its also important to avoid frowning at people or giving mean looks. if anything just remain neutral . you can make someone feel either terrible OR joyful all depending on simple gestures like how you look at them. the other day for example, when I took my placement test for the fall semester and that nurse randomly smiled at me. idk why she did that but it really made me feel better....actually it made my whole day. lol

 

[Hot_Tamale]

Ya know that's a nice quote but I like mine better: Peace begins with chocolate chip cookies.

 

[theslowesthand]

Another miserable day. Every day is a bad day at present. Tending to my depression, which has decided to show its ugly face. I really am over all this SH*T. There's only ONE thing that i feel can help me, and that is "forbidden fruit"; one daren't go there. :idontknow:

Currently sipping on a vodka punch, & eating chocolate. Listening to anti-depression soothing music, and it's actually helping for once!

Trying to hang in there, like every day, and also trying to not think dark morbid thoughts, which is hard, as almost everything about my life reminds me of the dark & hopeless. But at the same time i've "lost the plot" (lost the reason why i "hang in there"). I've been suffering like this for 20 years (& then some), and i'm DOG TIRED. Tired of the struggle. I want it all to stop.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

I like hanging out with my cousin, but his house is so hot!

He and his girlfriend are scrawny so they keep their place like a sauna.

 

[AtTheGates]

I dont generally listen to this kind of music but no matter what kind of music you listen to, a beautiful singing voice can really speak to your heart and soul. thats why I think music therapy really has the ability to change people. a lot of the inmates where I work listen to "gangster rap". when you put on headphones , whoever is singing is speaking directly to your heart and soul. (no matter what issues you have or what kind of day you just had) .

The inmates are allowed to have small hand-held radios but tbh, I dont even think they should be allowed to have THOSE. I think the type of music they listen to should be restricted . it might even change their outlook on life if they had less access to certain kinds of rap. maybe if they started hearing more music with a certain type of subject matter it might pervade their psyche. especially the younger inmates.

anyway, This is an old song that was written in 1905 and has been covered MANY times by different artists over the years. not my favorite genre of music by far but whitney houston has a really amazing voice.


I really like the lyrics: "why should I feel lonely? why should I feel discouraged?" to me this means, thats sometimes (not ALWAYS) feeling sad/depressed is a CHOICE that you make. YOU can make the decision to not feel that way. sometimes it really is up to YOU. dont just sit there and accept an ill fate. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCfFi8SDz6I

 

[Graeme1988]

It feels great to spend a couple days away n' come back to a family shouting n' argument. And a mother who uses emotional blackmail, victimhood and pure f*ckin' hatred of the opposite gender as a way of saying: "I love you, son" * :kickingmyself:

* Try explain that one to a feckin' therapist who happened share the same gender as person who raised ya! :no:

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I dont generally listen to this kind of music but no matter what kind of music you listen to, a beautiful singing voice can really speak to your heart and soul. thats why I think music therapy really has the ability to change people. a lot of the inmates where I work listen to "gangster rap". when you put on headphones , whoever is singing is speaking directly to your heart and soul. (no matter what issues you have or what kind of day you just had) .

What's your stance on the death penalty for inmates? Did you have different opinions about it before you started working there?

 

[AtTheGates]

What's your stance on the death penalty for inmates? Did you have different opinions about it before you started working there?

There is no death row at the prison I work at (dont really want to say the exact name because iv talked about things on SPW that have gone on there) so I haven't come in contact with any inmates who have been given the death penalty .

But I think rehabilitating inmates is the best way. I think there are a lot of different ways to change someones life. giving someone the death penalty should be the last resort only when no other form of rehabilitation has worked and they're a violent repeat offender..because the only other option for a person like that is to keep them imprisoned for the rest of their life and thats just a huge drain on tax dollars .


thats why I hate to come across inmates who dont want to change at all. dont want to even LISTEN to advice or anything. its just really sad. iv noticed some of the younger gang members seem that way(around ages 18-20) . young guys like that in gangs likely won't change until something drastic happens in their life like they get shot, overdose on drugs, a friend of theirs gets shot, they get beat up really bad my rival gang members, etc....just something that snaps them out of it. and then theres the older guys who are fed up with living a life of crime. THEY'RE the ones who are more likely to listen to reason because some of them REALLY want to change but just dont know how to.


anyway, I think everyone deserves a 2nd chance. a chance to get things right. so basically I prefer rehabilitation over the death penalty except in rare instances .


but tbh, ALOT of people dont give a damn about inmates. they just see them as criminal scum. thats why its easy for some people to support the death penalty. its sad to think there theres a whole sub-category of society that no one cares about. just sweep them under the rug, right? -_-



someday id like to be able to take part in formulating inmate rehabilitation programs.

 

[defiance]

There is no getting around it. Try as I might the conclusion is one and the same. When you are tired of life then you are tired of life. I would say I am ready to go but that would be an understatement as I was ready a long while ago. I guess you live for the ones that care about you right? I mean heck I know I am not living for myself because if that was the reason then well I probably would have offed myself a few years ago. But you know what, as time goes on and the pain just sits there and gets worse you come to realize that living for the sake of others is no longer enough to keep you around. The pain at some point will override that as well and then you will have no anchor to hold you here. When that day comes..........well..............it's pretty obvious what the conclusion will be.

 

[AtTheGates]

There is no getting around it. Try as I might the conclusion is one and the same. When you are tired of life then you are tired of life. I would say I am ready to go but that would be an understatement as I was ready a long while ago. I guess you live for the ones that care about you right? I mean heck I know I am not living for myself because if that was the reason then well I probably would have offed myself a few years ago. But you know what, as time goes on and the pain just sits there and gets worse you come to realize that living for the sake of others is no longer enough to keep you around. The pain at some point will override that as well and then you will have no anchor to hold you here. When that day comes..........well..............it's pretty obvious what the conclusion will be.

well I'm glad some people decide to be stronger than that....it is a CHOICE, after all. (being strong)

many types of pain are simply just illusions/a product of a negative mentality .


you can conquer certain kinds of pain.....tbh, pain is my b!tch. lol...it does what I say, not the other way around.

its a good mentality..more people should try it.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

There is no getting around it. Try as I might the conclusion is one and the same. When you are tired of life then you are tired of life. I would say I am ready to go but that would be an understatement as I was ready a long while ago. I guess you live for the ones that care about you right? I mean heck I know I am not living for myself because if that was the reason then well I probably would have offed myself a few years ago. But you know what, as time goes on and the pain just sits there and gets worse you come to realize that living for the sake of others is no longer enough to keep you around. The pain at some point will override that as well and then you will have no anchor to hold you here. When that day comes..........well..............it's pretty obvious what the conclusion will be.

Everyone hits rock bottom sometimes in life but that's not a bad thing Every thing that is built has to have a firm foundation and what's more firm than rock, right?

 

[kilojoule]

yknow that feeling were you fail and try again and fail and try again and fail and try again......well Im right in between the fail and try again bit.

Exams 2016

I'm going through a rough patch. I can't remember a day where I didn't cry.

resitting the same exams 2017


update: , I feel like I can talk about it now without having a massive panic attack. So I passed the exams. Nobody can say that I don't try.

You can't just snap out of the anxiety, it doesn't just end when the event passes, it's residual. For me this summer's been the perfect ****ing storm between my messy personal life and exams. Both ****ed my head up so bad. For the first time in my life I felt suicidal, that takes a lot for me to say that. The stress. I can't. I'm not gonna describe. The effect though- I lost 20 lbs in about 6 weeks and then I was hospitalised after I had a seizure - I don't have an underlying condition that causes seizures.

So this is my recovery, my confidence had plummeted through the floor, have been kinda feeling myself slipping back to the days of being afraid to go out again mg: sigh

been workin on trying to get out, relax and have fun, its very ****ing slow progress.

I have made progress in sorting out my personal life though. It's hard to walk away after so long but as much as it scares the **** out of me, had a wake up call, 5 years - but its no good for me. Living arrangements have changed. I am also off cigarettes again.



Also I wanted to thank BlueDays, theslowesthand and kiwong for responding to my post before, I was encouraged by your replies thank you. I never said so at the time. <3

 

[Graeme1988]

Miserable. :sad: Worried that off myself next year, a few months after turning 30. Because I don't feel that age, aside from constantly being burdened with the responsibility and expectations that come with being the only son. But hey, I'm just expected to put up with the manipulative BS from my family. :sad:

Like my mum, the other day, telling me that I hate her. To which I let out a sigh, and after attempting n' failing to explain the subtle differences between hatred n' frustration - since she wus huvin none of it - just said if that what she thought, then she's right, I effin' hate her.

Then my oldest sister gave me a lecture about how I shouldn't feel that way about our mum. h: Despite the fact she hasn't had to live with and put up with the dour-faced, whinging hag for as long as I have. D'ye know what it's like to have to listen to a woman complain about how shit her life has become, first thing in the morning, day in day oot? Then get berated for giving a sarcastic, monotone response along the lines o' "You're awfully cheery this morning", because you had to listen to the same complaints... yesterday! :kickingmyself:

No offence to any wimmin on this forum like. Not say yer all narcissistic, manipulative, nagging pains in the arse. Just the ones I unfortunately grew-up with and wus raised by.

 

[Graeme1988]

Does it ever get better? :sad: Life? If so, when? :idontknow:
Because I'm really starting to lose hope in the idea that a happy life is even f*ckin' possible at this point. :crying:

 

[Kiwong]

Well done Kilojoule on passing those exams that is a huge triumph against all that life has thrown your.

 

[Graeme1988]

It's great getting laughed at for being sensible innit? Ha-ha-bloody-ha! :kickingmyself:

My oldest sibling finds it feckin' high-larious that I'm opting for the joys of isolationism and solitude while my older sister and nieces are stay here. My mother stressed out and not feeling too well cuz ma older sibling (youngest of the two sister) has just been her usual violatile self, ie. Shouting a lot. Less slammin' o' doors, which is good.

Though I just overheard her yelled at our mum when she (mum) asked her youngest daughter to open the front door cuz our oldest sister want knocking to get in the house. Wus'nae the nicest exchange like. I mean, ah wouldnae've react like how my older sibling did. Aye, I've swore at her outta sheer frustration at times, but always said sorry for losing it with her afterwords. But I've never spoke to her the way my older sister just did, since I'd get threatened with violence if ah did. As ye do... in an dysfunctional family.

Anyway, I'm just taking the advice one of my cousins gave me in my mid-teens, keeping to myself n' stayin' out o' trouble. And y'know trying to take the pressure of ma mum as far her constantly doing stuff for me - which, for once, she seems to appreciate. Since we're usually huvin a war o' words over how she doesn't allow me to do anything for myself.

They cun go: "Why does Graeme never hing oot wae us? Does he hate us or summit?" n' speculate aw they want. Call me a c*nt, selfish arsehole, etc. The fact is, they're bat-shit crazy wimmin with issues which make 'em really difficult to live with. Which is why I'd rather keep ma distance. Physically and emotionally.

Though, were it truly up to me, aged 18, I'd have taken the risk n' chanced ma luck at independence - FREEDOM!! Sorry, hud git that not-so-subtle political and pop culture movie reference in at some point. Otherwise, somebuddy where would've done it for me

 

[defiance]

Does it ever get better? :sad: Life? If so, when? :idontknow:
Because I'm really starting to lose hope in the idea that a happy life is even f*ckin' possible at this point. :crying:

I know this feeling all to well. You try to make the best of everyday but try as you might it just doesn't work. After repeating this same process over and over you begin to think.......hmm.......wtf is the point when nothing ever seems to go my way. Then there is the anxiety and fears that tell you it isn't going to be alright and the depression that tells you it isn't going to get better.........then the suicidal thoughts that tells you there is only one way it can all go away and that is if you give in to that urge. It's a cluster f*ck tornado. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

I know this feeling all to well. You try to make the best of everyday but try as you might it just doesn't work. After repeating this same process over and over you begin to think.......hmm.......wtf is the point when nothing ever seems to go my way. Then there is the anxiety and fears that tell you it isn't going to be alright and the depression that tells you it isn't going to get better.........then the suicidal thoughts that tells you there is only one way it can all go away and that is if you give in to that urge. It's a cluster f*ck tornado. :sad:

Couldnae huv put it better myself if I tried. That's spot on, defiance. A clusterf*ck tornado, 'tis indeed!

And, like yersel', I have endure constant family arguments. :kickingmyself: Like, it's feckin' tense to the point where I'd rather move to a different town just get away from them. But I can't move away cuz my mother can't bare the thought of living by herself. h: So, I'm basically stuck in this needy, manipulative co-dependent relationship til either she dies or I die! Whichever comes first, really.

Though, I doubt yer family are as shitty as mine when it comes to arguments? Mine go so far as call me selfish, inconsiderate arse because I refused to get involved, take sides or even give a f*ck about something that doesn't really affect my life. mg:

 

[defiance]

Couldnae huv put it better myself if I tried. That's spot on, defiance. A clusterf*ck tornado, 'tis indeed!

And, like yersel', I have endure constant family arguments. :kickingmyself: Like, it's feckin' tense to the point where I'd rather move to a different town just get away from them. But I can't move away cuz my mother can't bare the thought of living by herself. h: So, I'm basically stuck in this needy, manipulative co-dependent relationship til either she dies or I die! Whichever comes first, really.

Though, I doubt yer family are as shitty as mine when it comes to arguments? Mine go so far as call me selfish, inconsiderate arse because I refused to get involved, take sides or even give a f*ck about something that doesn't really affect my life. mg:

Just given the picture you have painted on this site on many occasions about your mother and siblings I can say that the arguments that I have are not to that extent. The thing is my Mom is a saint and she is just the best. Which is why I feel even worse for letting someone like that down all the time. The arguments are with the old man and my sibling. Sometimes it could get a bit out of control but nothing too serious as far as physical abuse is concerned. Lately though I have seen a decline in those arguments because I have become even more detached from the old man and sibling that I just don't acknowledge them that often. The real victim in all of this is my wonderful mother. I wish I WISHHHHHH I could turn back time and make sure she ended up getting married to a man who was worthy of her. That way the old man doesn't get her and heck I won't have to be born. I mean if that isn't a win win situation then I don't know what is, at least in my case.