How are you feeling?

defiance

Well-known member
Been going through more mental hell and you know the only rational voice in my head is the voice of suicide. If I follow through on it then the demons can no longer hurt me. That's what it keeps telling me. I don't want to play this game called life anymore because I had already lost years ago.:crying:
 

Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
Been going through more mental hell and you know the only rational voice in my head is the voice of suicide. If I follow through on it then the demons can no longer hurt me. That's what it keeps telling me. I don't want to play this game called life anymore because I had already lost years ago.:crying:
Rule #1 about demons: they always, always f*cking lie like a rug, man. What I'm saying to you is obviously bias because I'm a Christian and I believe in heaven and hell, I may not know what you believe but if I were in your shoes then I would study the world's major religions, see what they have to say about the afterlife. Look up personal testimonies from people that tried to kill themselves, died, and came back to their bodies because there is a lot of literature surrounding that topic. The gist of what I'm saying is your life may be bad now but if you don't like what you see on the other side of death then there's no such thing as a return trip.
 
Been going through more mental hell and you know the only rational voice in my head is the voice of suicide. If I follow through on it then the demons can no longer hurt me. That's what it keeps telling me. I don't want to play this game called life anymore because I had already lost years ago.:crying:

Pardon me for for asking, but do you hear voices in your head? (ie schizophrenia). I'm just trying to gain a better understanding of your situation.
 

defiance

Well-known member
Rule #1 about demons: they always, always f*cking lie like a rug, man. What I'm saying to you is obviously bias because I'm a Christian and I believe in heaven and hell, I may not know what you believe but if I were in your shoes then I would study the world's major religions, see what they have to say about the afterlife. Look up personal testimonies from people that tried to kill themselves, died, and came back to their bodies because there is a lot of literature surrounding that topic. The gist of what I'm saying is your life may be bad now but if you don't like what you see on the other side of death then there's no such thing as a return trip.

I am not religious but I am spiritual. I am open to the possibilities of it all really. I might give your suggestion a go because it could be very interesting. Thanks
 

defiance

Well-known member
Pardon me for for asking, but do you hear voices in your head? (ie schizophrenia). I'm just trying to gain a better understanding of your situation.

No I do not have schizophrenia. Sometimes the suffering I endure is so immense that the only thought that goes through my mind is to end it all. In some ways it gives off the illusion that you are being told, by these voices in your head, to just end it all. I know that may sound weird but I can't really think of a better way to put it. But yeah luckily I don't have schizophrenia to go along with the other mental issues I have.
 
'I'm all fired-down .. yes i'm all fired-down'

I got nowhere to go, and nothing to do - as per usual ...... and it's driving me CRAZY!!!! (but so does going abroad; man, i'm crazy EVERYWHERE!!!) :kickingmyself:
Meanwhile, on a fine sunny day, the neighbours are happily going here, there & everywhere .. coming & going like f*cking busy-busy bees. F*ck them, those normal, smug, busy, hyperactive b*stards.

What are we doing? We're doing "boring time".

Another wasted day.

6.39: F*cking bored out of my f*cking mind.

B*tch of a day. Days like this should be made illegal.

I've got the "boredom blues", 'cause i'm so down today'

The day's a write-off.

Mood's f*cked. Day's f*ucked. The music can only do so much. Then things are beyond what music can help with. That's where i'm at now, pretty much, tho mood's lifted slightly since poured another glass & listening to hard-core blues - fleetwood mac - powerful.
Are you able to travel to the nearest Library? When I used to get bored I searched the local Library for books on subjects I believed that I would find interesting, but knew nothing about. :)


Fleetwood Mac.... :thumbup: :brindis:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Same ol' shit. Different day. Just wondering how differently my life could've been had I been put up for adoption. :idontknow: Ah mean, ma mother clearly hates me. Mainly cuz I never turned out like she'd hope, Y'know, an effeminate bloke support the more unhinged feminist doctrine of women as superior? And, of course, looking like and sharing more personally trait with my dad than my mother or sisters doesnae help matters. But hey, I'm a man. And they don't tend to be as overly emotional as women about things (except when pissed off). Or so I've heard...

Mind you, I inherited her neurotic habit of always thinking the worst, and the low IQ. Her being blonde is the reason for the latter, I suspect. Given how many of her dumb, obvious questions I've had to answer in the last 14 years. :kickingmyself:

But it's great being raised by a woman who's open about her hatred of men and why marriage is failed institution. Equally great being taught to hate myself, and witnessing women incapable of settling an dispute like calm, civilised people. And they wonder why the only male sibling prefers solitude. But hey, I was raised to see the good in eveyone, while those around me took advantage and hurt me. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Turned me into a guy who always feels guilty if I let people down, and who always feels pressured into living up to what other expect of me. But that hardly surprising when egos, feelings and lies are held in higher regard than honesty n' decency in my family. :thumbdown: If yer a women, anyway. Then ye get free pass and don't have take responsibility for anything you did wrong.

Getting fed-up always putting on this front to give the illusion we're yin big happy family, when really we can't stand being around each other. Or at least, I don't enjoy spending time with them. Unless we're out in public where they, or more specifically my mother, can't afford to risk acting how she does at home. :no: Sorry if that's a c*ntish thing to say, but it's true. And sorry being such a downer, today.
 

FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
I dreamed last night that my dog and I were sleeping on top of a tall scaffold in the middle of the wilderness. She was curled up on my chest and my body was impossibly stretched between two steel beams, my head resting on one, my feet on the other with nothing in-between. She whined for my sake so I carefully took her under my arm and we climbed down. I put her on the ground and she lead me through the woods. I started to follow and then I woke up.
 

defiance

Well-known member
Woke up to hearing my mom talking to herself about why her life ended up like this. She was complaining about the old man and my stupid sibling along with myself. I mean I get it and she was perfectly justified in everything she said. How can such a wonderful woman end up with such a shitty husband and two sons where one of them is a spitting image of the shitty husband but worse in just about every way possible and me who is a scared anxious depressed suicidal wreck. When I heard the pain in her voice it sent me spiraling even deeper into that dark abyss. I have been shaking and feeling numb since I heard that and again she is not wrong for anything she said. Normal people would have gotten a divorce by now when your other half is such a f*ck up. But she stuck it through because she wants the family to remain together. I don't know man I am rambling again............all I know is that I want nothing more and I mean NOTHING MORE than to just die and be done with this shit. I'll take anything. I'll take a heart attack, cancer, stroke, ANYTHING as long as it gets the job done.:crying::kickingmyself::crying:
 

AtTheGates

Banned
Imagine how awesome it would be to be in a relationship with a nun (although thats probably not feasible at all ) . but think about how deep the connection would be because it would ALL be based on emotional/spiritual reasons and nothing physical at all. that would be so great to have THAT much of a connection with someone. physical stuff in relationships is just icing on the cake, if you think about it......and sometimes the cake doesnt even NEED icing.



or idk..maybe I'm just weird . lol. Im just into women like this *shrug*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSZQceNbZLA
 
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FountainandFairfax

in a VAN down by the RIVER
Imagine how awesome it would be to be in a relationship with a nun (although thats probably not feasible at all ) . but think about how deep the connection would be because it would ALL be based on emotional/spiritual reasons and nothing physical at all. that would be so great to have THAT much of a connection with someone. physical stuff in relationships is just icing on the cake, if you think about it......and sometimes the cake doesnt even NEED icing.

I guess that's a good GUY test - would you rather date the ****tiest woman in the world, or a nun? :lol:

edit: ****, slu+ is censored?

edited again: LMA0 is censored?!?
 
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AtTheGates

Banned
I guess that's a good GUY test - would you rather date the ****tiest woman in the world, or a nun? :lol:

edit: ****, slu+ is censored?

edited again: LMA0 is censored?!?



lol. ****Tiness is too common. its sad that some girls play that card ALL the time as if its some kind of ace up their sleeve. lust is basically just an animal instinct thats been biologically built-in to people. ....the whole "hook-up culture" thing kind of just makes me sick.....what are we, dogs in heat?.....its so shallow...I just dont see anything special about it....I admit its been YEARS since iv done "that" so maybe I'm just jaded towards it...but still I think theres some significance to preferring a spiritual/emotional bond over physical stuff.


having a strong spiritual bond with a girl can be MUCH more fulfilling ...theres just so much more to learn about each other that way...its like relationship 2.0 , as opposed to the beta demo version of a relationship (metaphorically speaking)





I just hate the idea of my brother or sister having kids (girls) and they reach their teen years thinking that blatant sensuality is just "normal" because they see it all through-out american culture (basically ENDORSED by mass media -_-)....then they become "Tinder wh0res" online just swiping left for their next hook-up....how disgusting is THAT?


anyway, I want to change/improve american culture ...somehow.
 
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feels

A little relieved. I'm getting 10k for my totaled out car, which is a lot more than I thought I'd be getting. While I really wish I could have kept that car, and it sucks, I really needed a little extra money too. I miss my car, but now it's time to look for a new one :(. I won't be getting as nice of a car as I had before, but it helps to have a little extra money on hand right now.
 
Are you able to travel to the nearest Library? When I used to get bored I searched the local Library for books on subjects I believed that I would find interesting, but knew nothing about. :)

Nope. But even if i could, i just don't have the patience for books nowadays, as i'm too restless all the time (ie i can't relax, so it would be "work" for me, so i might not want to do it). Yep, i'm so f*cked i can't even enjoy the present moment, for even a moment. At best i get drunk & listen to music. Like today for instance, it's almost a perfect day outside, nice & warm, but i don't enjoy it (anymore), so i'm staying inside. One might as well be dead, if you can't enjoy the present moment.
 
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I guess that's a good GUY test - would you rather date the ****tiest woman in the world, or a nun? :lol:

I'd settle for a sIut in a nun's costume - that's how pathetic & messed-up i am!

I still think sun shines out of a woman's as$. Probably due to never having been in a relationship (& probably never will) :sad:

I couldn't have faacked-up life any more if i TRIED!!!
 
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AtTheGates

Banned
gangs in prison will often target other inmates for extortion . one way for inmates to avoid this is just to become an affiliate of that particular gang for "protection" ...its basically a situation where its like "join our gang or we'll make your life a living hell in here" . ALOT of gangs (including crips, bloods, and gangster disciples) have a large percentage of muslim members among them. MANY of these muslims try to use the freedom of religion (the 1st amendment) to override the prison policy. Which is VERY disconcerting because when that happens, the lines between islam and gangs starts to blur.

many of these gangs have a very in-depth code of ethics and belief system that they use to brainwash young people (especially teenagers, other disenfranchised youth, and in some cases preteens) into joining the gang....for example , MS-13 and Sur-13 even have their own "patron saint of drug dealing" that they literally worship and pray to...but thats a WHOLE other issue..im mainly focused on gang affiliated muslims within the prison system right now...because when they get released from prison or get out on parole they can be a serious threat to public safety.



mainly what I'm saying is, ALOT of these young guys in prison REALLY need Jesus/christianity in their life to set them on the right path.



this is an older article but its just an example of whats going on in ALOT of prisons .


'Political correctness' allowing Islamist extremism to flourish in British prisons, report warns
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well, it's been nice having some peace n' quiet again. Though, my mother will be coming back from Ireland soon, so best make the most of the lack o' complaining and arguing while I can. :sad:

But hey, I still got guilt-tripped by my oldest sibling for not even wanting to speak to our mother when she phoned to ask how things were. Just like last time. :kickingmyself: It seems ah cannae even huv any time to myself withoot being labelled a selfish b@$%@rd! :thumbdown:
 

Hot_Tamale

Well-known member
I feel embarrassed 😞 a closely guarded secret I have kept for years and years is that I have a semi-rare neurological condition that causes vocal & muscular tics that are very hard to suppress sometimes. I have hidden it well from co-workers and customers for almost 3 years but for the last month it is getting extremely difficult to keep the tics under control because of the stress. This is very aggravating and it is sabotaging my confidence at work.
 
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