Alone, miserable, frustrated, confused. :

:
I don't know anymore. Been having more bad days than good lately. My cerebal palsy has been acting up which is annoying. My confidence & self esteem is at zero because my mother always putting me down with snide, cynical comments. Happens everytime I try to have rational, reasonable conversation about my problems but it always ends up becoming an argument. She doesn't want to hear it, or so she always tells me. Better off living in denial than talking about things.
My mum seems to think all of this is an act, a joke.
I just saying I'm depressed, angry and suicidal for attention. If only that were true.
I'm beginning to feel she resents me for some reason, otherwise why would I be the only getting all her negativity and cynicism all the time? Recently, she told me when it comes to relationships, girlfriend or marriage,
"I'm better off alone, to be honest".
(I have a feeling she meant it because I've been told the same thing by her since I was a teenager) I just replied asking
"Why'd you have be so negative towards me all the time?". And trying to open up about things to my mum ends there.
Also, I can't find my journal and just hope my mum hasn't had a chance to read it - because most of the entries were written when I was at my lowest, most depressed, not speaking highly or positive of myself nor either of my parent. Still got childhood issues I need to come to terms with.
The only positive thing as of late would be my oldest sister complimented me that I'm the most sensable and non-judgemental member of the family because I haven't been critical of what she been through lately with her marriage split. Sorry, this could be a more happy, upbeat post. Things have been really getting me down as late. But I'm trying to stay strong.