How are you feeling?

[SilentAndShy]

At work, I'm feeling so conscious of what other people may think about me. It could be if I've not done a task, or if I haven't contributed in a meeting that I should have.

Latter happened today when there was a big meeting and I felt aware that people (Trustees, my manager, colleagues) may be conscious of me not saying anything or much at all. So I tried to contribute but in comparison to my colleague who was confident in what she wanted to say, I felt like I wasn't as calm in my delivery perhaps.

I felt rubbish post meeting, went for a walk after lunch but didn't feel overly better.

Ahh..!

 

[SoScared]

Its actually turned out quite well. We've said our goodbyes. I think our paths will cross again. Hope so. Feel real empty though right now.

And 24hours later...not feeling good. Haven't got enough battery to call the Samaritans. Also have to change my rough sleeping site today cos the owners dog has sussed me

 

[SilentAndShy]

I'm supposed to have worked for 7.5 hours today. I've probably worked for a few hours. Rest of the time I've been sat aimlessly at my laptop feeling overwhelmed by the tasks I've got to do; feeling incapable of doing them; sat browsing unnecessarily on Twitter; just doing anything but work. And now I'll have it all to come on Monday, i.e. any blowback from not doing the stuff I should have done today. So yeah, work fraud 100%.

 

[SoScared]

Well here I am back in the university library after so long. Definitely got imposter anxiety. Being the only smelly homeless person doesn't help matters. Also got some housing forms to fill in. I dont think people get just how much anxiety I have during a normal day. Hope you're all well

 

[Phoenixx]

Feeling stuck in a rut and can't seem to get out and it's frustrating.

 

[Graeme1988]

Despite rarely leaving the house in the last 2 years, I've tested for positive and got the 'rona. Frickin' Covid!

I haven't felt this and lacking in energy in a long time.

On a more positive note: my mother finally had her hospital appointment that she was supposed have in January, had at the start of March. And... she doesn't have Parkinson's disease. Something I glad of, because my oldest sister was try to convince me otherwise for last 3 to 4 months. Also, I don't know how I'd cope with it if she had.

 

[Graeme1988]

Still not feeling well. Yesterday, I thought I was starting to feel better. Woke up today feeling just as blocked up as I was a few days ago.

 

[Graeme1988]

Feeling better, physically, in that I'm getting over having Covid. So... yay !

Not doing so great otherwise, though. Sadly. Just trying to distract myself and focus on other things in my life. Even if it does trouble me greatly that my mother refuses to talk back to my older sister in same way she does to me when I tell her to eff off on the occasions when we do argue. Like, why did it have to be me who got it worst growing as far the physical, verbal and emotional abuse?

Anyway, I noticed something about my sisters today – after the middle sibling flew off the hand. They frequently lie about things. Don't know if that's a trait associated with the zodiac sign they share or what?

Anyway, despite being able finding it no problem, and getting the Disney+ streaming service to work, last time she was round to visit with her kids. Somehow, yesterday, she claimed she never got the Disney+ app working last time n' flew off the bloody handle over it. To the point where I had come downstairs from my bedroom and show them what to get it working. An app that ye access via a flipping TV remote control...?! Needless to say, I nearly flew into a verbal tirade myself. But thought better than to make more of a scene in front of my mother and nieces. Which... says a lot about me and my tolerance. Don't know how I turned out the way I have, really?

 

[Phoenixx]

Overwhelmed

 

[SilentAndShy]

I wish the ground would swallow me up and make disappear from this world.

Work, home, family - everything is overwhelming me. It's so hard as I can't see what small step I could take to help situations.

I've signed up for counselling support, paying for it that I'm awaiting but who knows what will have happened by then.

For the first time I'm going to lie basically and avoid going into work as I can't face people at the moment, plus I'm anxious about a work lunch where I've promised a dish and an event where I may have to drive other people in my car (which I have rarely done and I panic being in the company of people other myself and my family). I will have a positive Covid-test I think.

 

[SilentAndShy]

I wish the ground would swallow me up and make disappear from this world.

Work, home, family - everything is overwhelming me. It's so hard as I can't see what small step I could take to help situations.

I've signed up for counselling support, paying for it that I'm awaiting but who knows what will have happened by then.

For the first time I'm going to lie basically and avoid going into work as I can't face people at the moment, plus I'm anxious about a work lunch where I've promised a dish and an event where I may have to drive other people in my car (which I have rarely done and I panic being in the company of people other myself and my family). I will have a positive Covid-test I think.

Hopefully this place will be more supportive than other forums who would say "you should be sacked or disciplined!") But yes, I did invent a fake Covid-19 test to avoid going into work for this work lunch and this event.

I just didn't feel an improvement in my mind to meet people and thinking about driving to three places getting anxious. I know I'm betraying good people but I hope they would understand and maybe after the shock, they would.

 

[Graeme1988]

Good, I guess. I mean, things are alright for the most part. I'm finally feeling motivated enough to get stuff done. Stuff that I've been putting off doing. My mother's finally getting help for her anxiety, in the form of counseling; after years of ignoring my advice. She was quite shocked that everything her therapist was telling during their first session was stuff that I'd been telling her for the last few years. Though, I did get a bit upset the other day there, when she asked me to hug her - something she rarely does - and told me she doesn't know what she'd do without me.

 

[Graeme1988]

It's my birthday today. 34 years old.
Another year older, still none the wiser.
Though, if I shave my beard off, I'd take a decade off my age. Ha!

Also, one of my old schoolmates wished me a happy birthday on Facebook today and said we should catch up in person sometime soon. And I'm definitely thinking of doing that, as we haven't seen each since we were last in high school together.

And, I got another message on SoundCloud for a rapper asking me to collaborate with them!

 

[Phoenixx]

It's my birthday today. 34 years old.
Another year older, still none the wiser.
Though, if I shave my beard off, I'd take a decade off my age. Ha!

Also, one of my old schoolmates wished me a happy birthday on Facebook today and said we should catch up in person sometime soon. And I'm definitely thinking of doing that, as we haven't seen each since we were last in high school together.

And, I got another message on SoundCloud for a rapper asking me to collaborate with them!

Happy Birthday!

 

[Graeme1988]

Happy Birthday!

Thank you.

 

[Graeme1988]

How am I feeling...?! Happy and accomplished. Really happy.

Why?! Because, and I'll quote her verbatim: "I got my old mother back today". Yesterday, she said she'd help me tidy out a corner my bedroom, and hoover it for me.

So, when I came down this morning and asked if this was still the plan, saying that I'd have move some boxes out from the corner if she want to hoover. And, instead of complaining to me as she has done these last few years whenever I asked for her help. Or putting it off for another days, she actually got up and helped me.

Then once, we were done and completely knackered from tidying and throwing stuff out, and getting the boxes I'd moved stacked up, she goes: "Aw, that's that done. Great! Ah didnae think we get that done. We'll get under your bed clear oot this week".

And upon me thanking her for helping me, she proceeded to tell me that, yesterday, while I was out of the house for a walk with my oldest sister. My mum went and got the bins in (ours and our neighbor's who lives across from us). This was something that she used to do regularly, ever week after they'd been emptied. Usually chatting to our neighbour for a wee bit before coming back in the house. But due to her anxiety, my oldest sister would get the bins when she came round, which was usually Friday afternoon.

But, as my mum said: she did anyway, because she doesn't want to be housebound like she's been the last 4 or 5 years. Because she was never like that, she'd always get out the house. Even if it was just going to the Red Cross charity shop, which isn't far from our house.

And, the fact she's done all that just days before her first in-person counselling session has made me really proud of her and hopeful that she'll overcome her anxiety struggles.

 

[LoyalXenite]

It's my birthday today. 34 years old.
Another year older, still none the wiser.
Though, if I shave my beard off, I'd take a decade off my age. Ha!

Also, one of my old schoolmates wished me a happy birthday on Facebook today and said we should catch up in person sometime soon. And I'm definitely thinking of doing that, as we haven't seen each since we were last in high school together.

And, I got another message on SoundCloud for a rapper asking me to collaborate with them!

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm feeling a bit knackered n' exhausted. My mother insisted we got my bedroom tidied and uncluttered on Sunday there. So that's it done. Then, yesterday, we made a start on tidying her bedroom.

Though, slightly annoyed that my oldest sister told our mum, during their phone conversation last night, that she feels mum is now doing too much. And I only found out because my mum came into my room and ranted about what she'd been told. She's doing too much?! And that's with me helping and encouraging her.

Having said that, her first counselling session went well on Monday there, despite her being nervous about it.

She's been given 2 short-term goals: Housework and getting out to the shops again; and she's certainly made a start on that first goal. And her long term goal is going to concerts and comedy show with me and my oldest sister again, because she's really missed getting out to those.

 

[Graeme1988]

Everything was going great... until yesterday. When my oldest sister had massive row with one of my cousins with our mother caught in the middle.

So, needless to say I'm raging. But not allowing to say owt, because it'll just started another row and my mum does'nae want the stress. Because, inevitably, me opening my big mouth will start another row. Since I don't tend mince my words during arguments.

But it funny, how I'm never allowed to say how the arguments affect, and have affected me. My mum can breakdown in tears and go about not being able to take anymore, but I'm just supposed to pretend like nothing's happened? And pretend we all get along; when the only yin I get along with, really, is my mother.

Ah mean: is it normal to do that? To keep internalise yer feelings and just letting negativity build n' build? Staying quiet when y'know you should speak up? Because I've been doing that with my family for well over 20 years, as sad as that is to admit. But then I'm always putting myself last as far as my needs, happiness and my well-being going.

It's no exactly great huvin' tae always put on this fake front of "being fine" cuz every time am asked by muh family: "How ye keepin'...?" And I answer that question honestly, the response is either a short Ha! laugh followed by "Aren't we all...?" as if me saying I'm depressed is somehow so relatable?

Yeah, ah doubt everyone's depressed for the reason as me, eh? Realising that nothing's really changed; aside from my relationship with my mother. Other than that: my family is still as dysfunctional as when I was growing up.

Or the other react will a kin' lecture about how I have no reason to depressed? Aside from being born disability, the dysfunctional family, and having a difficult relationship with my mother up until my early 20s.

Och well, it was a great, happy and productive few days there. The Saturday to Tuesday just passed there. Now it's back to being sad, quiet and miserable.

 

[MollyBeGood]

This forum is dead as a door nail. Where is everyone?