How are you feeling?

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Depressed and really frustrated. Struggling to find the motivation to keep going. Wishing my life had turned out differently in many ways.

Due to my mum's recent health issues, I've been completely neglecting myself, as far as my own well-being goes, just to make sure she's ok. And I'm absolutely knackered and struggling to cope, but I know how the argument will go if I even say that. I'm in the wrong for speaking up, as always.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well... things don't seem to be getting any better. That's nearly month now.

I'm at my wit's end with everything that's going on. My advice falls on deaf ears, as it always does. But then I don't know how yer supposed to help someone who refuses to help themselves. I also don't see the point in that — does that make me a bad person? I've been told it does, apparently.

Then again, what I don't know? I mean, my oldest sister went in the huff with me today. All because I never had a complimentary thing to say about the fact she decided to dye her hair pink. Like I supposed to be impressed or care.

Guess that's how it is. Having grown up constantly hearing disparaging words said about you, and other people who just so happen to be the same gender as you? On the spot compliments don't come to mind as easily as the mean-spirited insults.
 

SilentAndShy

Well-known member
Absolutely miserable, irritable, infuriated (at myself) with everything that's on my mind whether that's falling behind at work for an important project, being indecisive about everything and to top it off, being absolutely clueless about cars.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Let down yet again... but what else is new? Story of my life at this point. And my family acts as if they're the yins who should be upset. Cuz to hell with how ah feel with being let down time n' time again, right? :mad: Aw, wait that right, men dinnae huv feels, d'they?

Every-feckin'-time!
They'll promise to something for me - actually using that word - then the day comes, and ah ask about it and: "Aw, ah cannae be bothered" is essentially what their excuse amounts to. Cuz I'm the stupid yin who, for some reason, actually remembers stuff I've been told. And they expect me not to get pissed off about it, but ah do. Ah just don't speak up because they don't seem to like having anything negative said about them - my mum and older sisters. Yet, ironically, they spent much of my formative years telling me I was "useless [email protected]$%@^!"

Funny how the nicer ye are, and more willing ya are to do stuff for folk, the more ye get taken advantage of. Or, at least, that my experience, anyway.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Quite nervous and a wee bit intimidated about getting back into taking guitar lessons again. It's been 17 years since I last had a lesson. And my previous experiences with getting taught left me feel more frustrated and disillusioned than happy.

Anyway, I've signed for monthly online guitar lessons with Tom Hess. And the guy seems to know his stuff as far as teaching guitar, so that a good sign. But also a wee bit intimidating since I'm probably going suck the moment he hears me play a note.

I did mention that I wrote some guitar riffs but ah don't whether to let Hess hear them? 🤔 Mainly because I don't know if what he has to say will knock or boost my confidence? Like, what if he think I'm completely daft? Since I'm coming up with these guitar riffs that are either intricate and melodic or fast and full-on thrashing riffs. Plus, ah cannae really objective judge my guitar playing, because I still can't bring myself to say I can actually play guitar pretty well, even though that's probably obviously. But I still feel that I suck at it, mainly because guitar solos have never been my strong point.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Anxious. Debating on going to work or calling in "sick". I don't want to be *that* person but I also don't want to even bother going to work today. So yesterday and today are down days for maintenance in the building. To make up for the downtime, the company organized a very high-school-esque "field day" event outside. Even down to putting people on teams from different departments. Games are played competitively to earn points and there's food offered of course. It's supposed to be "fun", but it literally sounds like torture to me. No amount of Prozac can even get me to enjoy something like that.

If I choose to go to work and not attend, I'm left sitting in a lab with barely anything to do for 8 hours. My online courses for work are caught up, cleaning tasks are done, the only things that would be left to do are random sample tests and inventories. And there's another coworker that will be there this afternoon to do all that. So I feel like it's a lose-lose situation with work today. 🙄🤦
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Anxious. Debating on going to work or calling in "sick". I don't want to be *that* person but I also don't want to even bother going to work today. So yesterday and today are down days for maintenance in the building. To make up for the downtime, the company organized a very high-school-esque "field day" event outside. Even down to putting people on teams from different departments. Games are played competitively to earn points and there's food offered of course. It's supposed to be "fun", but it literally sounds like torture to me. No amount of Prozac can even get me to enjoy something like that.

If I choose to go to work and not attend, I'm left sitting in a lab with barely anything to do for 8 hours. My online courses for work are caught up, cleaning tasks are done, the only things that would be left to do are random sample tests and inventories. And there's another coworker that will be there this afternoon to do all that. So I feel like it's a lose-lose situation with work today. 🙄🤦
Well I called in. I mean I'm still getting paid, but I feel a little guilty because I hate lying. I was so anxious on the phone though that I hung up before even saying goodbye or even allowed the guy on the other end of the line say goodbye. There was a weird pause and I thought it was the end of the conversation. 🤦 Ugh, phone call fail. But whatever. It's over and now I can get on with my day. It's not like I'm not doing anything today. I have a list to tackle before I go away for the weekend.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Pissed off. :mad: Really 🤬kin' pissed off.

Gordon Ramsay levels of pissed off...

The more people that I interact with, the more I realise that: most people are 🤬ts. Exceptions being, of course: my mother, the consultant surgeons that over saw both operations on my legs in my early teens and late 20s. And you lot on here - yous are the great! 😁(y) And I mean that, genuinely.

The rest, though:

Why is it always the dumb yins that end up starting arguments with me? It's no ma fault that the person huvin a go at me sucked at geography! But then, they were from Manchester, so... that explains it. 😂🤣

Anyway, I'm off to my bed. I'll probably do a follow up to this post tomorrow, if I remember to.
 
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He was a step in the right direction. I love his personality and struggle to find people I can connect with, so I was excited to have so much in common with someone; to have such good conversation. I didn’t have to dilute myself, my weirdness. I didn’t have to wear makeup and looked like a hag on our dates and he still accepted me. He is nice, treated me well, is a good person… It wouldn’t be me if there wasn’t some extra layer of complication - my life always has to be so fucking complicated. He has a child and I’m not ready for that. He also isn’t ready for a committed relationship. We slept together and now he doesn’t text as much; I went back to being a platonic friend. I feel so empty now. I was already jaded to begin with and now I just hate everyone. I hate the addictive quality attention has. I am fine on my own until someone (a man) comes along and gives me attention, then I am dependent on it. Why is finding love so fucking hard for me? I feel so defective. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.
 
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