How are you feeling?
- Thread starter Remus
- Start date
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Oh! Sorry, lily, didn't realise you'd messaged me. I'll just check my PMs and send you a reply.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
I feel like crap — worse than I felt yesterday. Hardly slept much at all last night. I hate not feeling well.
And I'm pissed off that my mother still undermines me every time I try to do, or actually do something, for myself. Every time. She did it again, yesterday.
And.. I just feel like giving uup.Ag feel like I'm the only one in my immediate family who doesn't really have a life. 
Yet, whenever I articulate that — how I genuinely feel — I'm told that I shouldn't feel like that, and am made to feel guilty for it. Though it's not just my mother that does that, my sisters do it as well. It's great having yer feelings invalidated, innit? Oh, but they don't see it that way. No! I'm tae blame — always. Then they wonder why it is that I refuse to spend time with them at Christmas...
And I'm pissed off that my mother still undermines me every time I try to do, or actually do something, for myself. Every time. She did it again, yesterday.
And.. I just feel like giving uup.Ag feel like I'm the only one in my immediate family who doesn't really have a life. Yet, whenever I articulate that — how I genuinely feel — I'm told that I shouldn't feel like that, and am made to feel guilty for it. Though it's not just my mother that does that, my sisters do it as well. It's great having yer feelings invalidated, innit? Oh, but they don't see it that way. No! I'm tae blame — always. Then they wonder why it is that I refuse to spend time with them at Christmas...
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
So, according to my oldest sister, I was "pretending" to be a sleep when she stopped by this afternoon. F 
k off! Pretending?! Aye sure! It's not as if I never got to sleep properly until 4 o'clock this morning, eh? Up most of the night coughing and feeling dizzy. And I'm inconsiderate at time? Ha! Maybe, but not as much as my immediate family.
k off! Pretending?! Aye sure! It's not as if I never got to sleep properly until 4 o'clock this morning, eh? Up most of the night coughing and feeling dizzy. And I'm inconsiderate at time? Ha! Maybe, but not as much as my immediate family.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Bloody awful... Now my mother's also not feeling well. Same dizziness, sore throat and lack of energy, like myself. 
I hate feeling like this.
I hate feeling like this. 
Phoenixx
Well-known member
Meh. I'm tired, didn't sleep too well last night, and kitties woke me up super early for breakfast and morning cuddles. I guess they've missed me this week. I've been having stomach issues this week too, but I also haven't been eating the best. Need to get back to eating more fruits, veg, and yogurt and actually keeping hydrated better.
Eagerly awaiting my next two days off in a couple days. I'm getting ready to start on my project for the front steps and front yard I've been wanting to get to this whole month now. Yesterday I started patching the cracks on the steps, ran short on filler so I need to buy more, and will hopefully be ready to paint by Tuesday or Wednesday.
Eagerly awaiting my next two days off in a couple days. I'm getting ready to start on my project for the front steps and front yard I've been wanting to get to this whole month now. Yesterday I started patching the cracks on the steps, ran short on filler so I need to buy more, and will hopefully be ready to paint by Tuesday or Wednesday.
Phoenixx
Well-known member
A little depressed, a little pissed off, a little disappointed. The holiday got to me yesterday. It's stupid, I feel stupid for getting caught up in it, but I can't deny how I feel. I tried to stay off from FB yesterday as much as I could, because I just get so annoyed and envious seeing so many people hanging out with their dads. Even my husband went fishing with his dad yesterday, and he's been here just about every weekend this month helping my husband finish his project. I like that they have a great relationship, but all of this is just a constant reminder of how absent my own father is from my own life.
I get it, people have absent fathers. I'm not the only one. But I feel like there's at least a reason for it. "My father's passed on now." or "My father has never been in my life." or "My father left when I was a child." Do those reasons make it any better? Maybe not. But my father is none of those things. My father isn't dead, my father never physically left. He has always been in my life, but that's it. Just there. Just his mere existence. I have maybe one conversation with him a year. That's it. He no longer wishes me a happy birthday. I have never gotten a call from him or a card. He apparently buys the gifts, according to my mother, but that's the thing. My mother is the gift chooser, he just foots the bill. And quite honestly I couldn't care less about materialistic things. If I give him a gift, even something I made myself rather than buy, he always tells me, "You didn't need to get me anything." Rarely ever a thank you.
And what hurts more out of this is the fact when I was a young child I had a great relationship with him. A lot of my interests are because of him. But I don't know why that ever changed. He's been emotionally and nearly physically absent for over 15 years now, always working, always out of the house but when he's in the house he's in his room with the door shut. Even if I come visit occasionally, if he's home he won't talk to me or even acknowledge me. It hurts. You think I'd be used to it, but I feel like it hurts more now that I'm getting older, because I feel like I should already have this established relationship with him, but I don't and I probably never will.
I get it, people have absent fathers. I'm not the only one. But I feel like there's at least a reason for it. "My father's passed on now." or "My father has never been in my life." or "My father left when I was a child." Do those reasons make it any better? Maybe not. But my father is none of those things. My father isn't dead, my father never physically left. He has always been in my life, but that's it. Just there. Just his mere existence. I have maybe one conversation with him a year. That's it. He no longer wishes me a happy birthday. I have never gotten a call from him or a card. He apparently buys the gifts, according to my mother, but that's the thing. My mother is the gift chooser, he just foots the bill. And quite honestly I couldn't care less about materialistic things. If I give him a gift, even something I made myself rather than buy, he always tells me, "You didn't need to get me anything." Rarely ever a thank you.
And what hurts more out of this is the fact when I was a young child I had a great relationship with him. A lot of my interests are because of him. But I don't know why that ever changed. He's been emotionally and nearly physically absent for over 15 years now, always working, always out of the house but when he's in the house he's in his room with the door shut. Even if I come visit occasionally, if he's home he won't talk to me or even acknowledge me. It hurts. You think I'd be used to it, but I feel like it hurts more now that I'm getting older, because I feel like I should already have this established relationship with him, but I don't and I probably never will.
F0AM
Well-known member
It's funny because in my case is the other way around, i barely have memories of my father when I was a child/teenager, but when my mother died 9 years ago, he's been there and we have a good relationship.
Anyway, I think is completely normal that you're hurt, because even if we know other ppl dont have an active relationship with their parents (whatever the reason may be), those aren't your father. I say this because sometimes a part of us (sometimes other ppl do) somehow "discredits" our own pain by comparing it with other people in the same or "worst" situations. And that's not how it works. Your father behavior hurts to YOU, and that is what matters.
Have you tried talking to him about this? A friend of mine had an almost non-existent relationship with her brother for almost 30 years and one day, her therapist told her to bring her brother to the next session and they were able to reconnect after finding out how they felt and why.
Sometimes even the smallest thing may change us and we are not even aware without help.
I hope things get better for both of you
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Phoenixx
Well-known member
He is a man of very few words unfortunately. He has never talked about anything on an emotional level or much of his past and he's never been one to carry on a conversation on that level. He's a pretty shy person and I know he must have social anxiety on some level, which is where I know I get from too. But I also think past trauma, and being in the military for a few years, has mostly made him this way. His father straight up left when he was just 3 years old, cheated on his wife and left for another woman. I think my father has always felt he had to "step up" to be that figure for his little brother and family in general, strong demeanor, never let emotions get to you, etc. etc. After I got married and then moved back closer to family a couple years ago, we were sending short small-talk texts every so often and he would call me up to ask for help on a couple things. He even called me almost in tears one night a couple years ago when their dog got really sick and they had to send him to the emergency animal hospital. I have never in my entire life seen this man cry, let alone sound like he was about to. I felt maybe then our relationship was finally changing and he was going to be talking to me more and being more open, especially being only an hour drive away, but no. That was all short-lived. I've tried inviting him to dinners -- "No I have to work." Even on his days off I've tried to get him interested in going to a state park or car show or something, just like he used to do with us as kids. "No I have things to do here." I haven't texted him, nor received a text, in over a year. Haven't spoken on the phone in over a year. He never acknowledged any of my birthday wishes or gift to him this last December. So I'm basically done trying. Sounds shitty, but I'm not going to chase or keep chasing something that doesn't seem matter to him anymore.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Better than I was a few days ago, physically. Not as lightheaded. My nose is still blocked, And I'm still spitting up phlegm. Which is... lovely! Naw, it's fuckin' minging! But, my bout of flu is slowly going... so that's good.
Mentally, I'm not so grand. Depressed. Anxious. Worried. Kinda starting to second guessing myself as music producer and songwriter. Or, should ah say I'm second guessing my ears. Going through a bit of an "Aye, but what if they think it's $h!%£?'" phase.
Yet, ah don't want to waste these 3 opportunities I've been given and let doon those musicians I'm collaborating with.
Mentally, I'm not so grand. Depressed. Anxious. Worried. Kinda starting to second guessing myself as music producer and songwriter. Or, should ah say I'm second guessing my ears. Going through a bit of an "Aye, but what if they think it's $h!%£?'" phase.
Yet, ah don't want to waste these 3 opportunities I've been given and let doon those musicians I'm collaborating with.
PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Fed-up with having to listen to why my oldest sisters constantly fight, and how the middle sibling is forever being pondered to. Ah, welcome to my life. Constantly being fkin' ignored... having my life dictated by a parent who acknowledges she treated me like crap and still continues to do so.
Ah, welcome to my life. Constantly being fkin' ignored... having my life dictated by a parent who acknowledges she treated me like crap and still continues to do so.
Jungle
1
I relate to this. My father's disinterest in having a normal relationship with us led to the same outcome — We barely talk to each other and whichever exchange we might have is superficial (holidays/birthdays and settling for "Hi, how are you?").
I've tried getting closer by suggesting that we ate out or through sportive activities but he's always found excuses to avoid it.
Confiding in him would leave me regretful since whenever an argument would ensue, whatever I confided in him would be used against me to win the argument. This led me to give up on having a "normal" father-son relationship altogether. We're only there to help each other out if something needs to be done, this is where it stops.
Similarly to yours, my father's upbringing might explain such atypical relationships, he's been secretive about it.
How does your father relate to your mother or to other people? Mine is quite shy, I think my social phobia might come from him, not having a role model had a negative impact on my upbringing in return.
Phoenixx
Well-known member
My father and my mother have a weird relationship now. They're pretty much married roommates. They haven't slept in the same bed or room in almost a decade. They barely talk to each other and when they do it's only, "What are you doing today?" or "Can you do [this] for me?" And even then there's always tension behind their conversations. I know they haven't loved each other for a very long time, yet neither one will divorce. They barely look out for each other now. My father hasn't been there for my mother for any of her medical appointments or surgeries in the last decade either. Just recently my mother had a medical situation and my brother -- since he's living with them now -- was the one to take her to the doctor and pick up her new medication. But before he moved back, I've always been the one to rely on. 6+ years ago when my mother had a hysterectomy due to complications with endometriosis and finding precancerous tissue in the area, I had to travel 2.5 hours (since I was living on the other side of the state at the time) to stay with a friend so I could meet my mom at the hospital the next day, all while my dad went to work. Called me once to ask how she was doing and that was it. When I first moved back here, I wasn't moved into my new house for 2 weeks before I had to pick my mother up from knee surgery and then bring her back to my house. (Her step-sister had brought her into surgery and stayed while I was still getting everything situated at home for her.) Again, all the while my dad went to work. He called once that night to check in and didn't call again til later in the week, and barely called the whole month she stayed at my place. I was looking after my mother's care and was doing so for an entire month before she got cleared to go back to her own house. I had nurses and PTs in and out of my house for that whole month too. It felt awkward having boxes and random things placed in a house I wasn't yet settled in while I had all sorts of strangers in and out. They were nice people, don't get me wrong, and good caretakers, but again, it just felt awkward. When my mother went back home, she had to have her brother come over to her house to make certain things more easily accessible -- like the shower; installing a handlebar for instance -- while she was still healing. Again, my father didn't do a single thing to help, just went to work.
Don't get me wrong, I don't always mind helping my parents, but when that help turns into a constant thing because neither one can look out for the other due to outright refusal and the fact that they won't even try to help themselves, it gets aggravating. You don't have children just out of the sake you need someone to take care of you when you're old and/or unhealthy. Ugh it just makes me so mad.
Jungle
1
This is saddening, that's how it feels with my parents as well, my father barely takes any initiatives with my mother (restaurant or outdoor activities). I wonder what could have caused this with both our parents. Maybe boredomMy father and my mother have a weird relationship now. They're pretty much married roommates. They haven't slept in the same bed or room in almost a decade. They barely talk to each other and when they do it's only, "What are you doing today?" or "Can you do [this] for me?" And even then there's always tension behind their conversations. I know they haven't loved each other for a very long time, yet neither one will divorce. They barely look out for each other now. My father hasn't been there for my mother for any of her medical appointments or surgeries in the last decade either. Just recently my mother had a medical situation and my brother -- since he's living with them now -- was the one to take her to the doctor and pick up her new medication. But before he moved back, I've always been the one to rely on. 6+ years ago when my mother had a hysterectomy due to complications with endometriosis and finding precancerous tissue in the area, I had to travel 2.5 hours (since I was living on the other side of the state at the time) to stay with a friend so I could meet my mom at the hospital the next day, all while my dad went to work. Called me once to ask how she was doing and that was it. When I first moved back here, I wasn't moved into my new house for 2 weeks before I had to pick my mother up from knee surgery and then bring her back to my house. (Her step-sister had brought her into surgery and stayed while I was still getting everything situated at home for her.) Again, all the while my dad went to work. He called once that night to check in and didn't call again til later in the week, and barely called the whole month she stayed at my place. I was looking after my mother's care and was doing so for an entire month before she got cleared to go back to her own house. I had nurses and PTs in and out of my house for that whole month too. It felt awkward having boxes and random things placed in a house I wasn't yet settled in while I had all sorts of strangers in and out. They were nice people, don't get me wrong, and good caretakers, but again, it just felt awkward. When my mother went back home, she had to have her brother come over to her house to make certain things more easily accessible -- like the shower; installing a handlebar for instance -- while she was still healing. Again, my father didn't do a single thing to help, just went to work.
Don't get me wrong, I don't always mind helping my parents, but when that help turns into a constant thing because neither one can look out for the other due to outright refusal and the fact that they won't even try to help themselves, it gets aggravating. You don't have children just out of the sake you need someone to take care of you when you're old and/or unhealthy. Ugh it just makes me so mad.
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Ultimately wondering why I should even bother anymore. With anything, really...
Living. Making music. The lot... it just seems so pointless. I'm just doing one ‐ the music - to distract myself from the other, really.
Apparently, my oldest sister thinks my mother should confide in more, but she doesn't. Or so she felt the need to lecture me about today. As if that's somehow my fault?
I just said saying next to nuthin', because I couldn't really be arsed responding to my sister's questions. But, in my head, I'm going: "Why... tha fk... are ye ask me? Huh?"
Anyway, I pointed how our mother rarely opens up to me, without going into detail. Because that's another can of worm. The amount of times I've had endure listen my mum go about how "...fed-up" she is. Or how "...$h!% her life is".
Guess mine doesn't matter, huh? The disabled kid who has pretty fend for himself. Care for a parent who can't be bothered to take responsibility for their own well-being, or change for the better as a person. And he has to constantly people please and live up to their expectations. Because that how he was raised. Never allowed to put his needs ahead of everyone or anyone else. Never allowed to "No". Because that word, when it comes outta my mouth in a very calm matter-of-fact monotone voice, translates as 2 words. The second of which being "off". Helluva a happy life, huh?
Living. Making music. The lot... it just seems so pointless. I'm just doing one ‐ the music - to distract myself from the other, really.
Apparently, my oldest sister thinks my mother should confide in more, but she doesn't. Or so she felt the need to lecture me about today. As if that's somehow my fault?
I just said saying next to nuthin', because I couldn't really be arsed responding to my sister's questions. But, in my head, I'm going: "Why... tha f
k... are ye ask me? Huh?"Anyway, I pointed how our mother rarely opens up to me, without going into detail. Because that's another can of worm. The amount of times I've had endure listen my mum go about how "...fed-up" she is. Or how "...$h!% her life is".
Guess mine doesn't matter, huh? The disabled kid who has pretty fend for himself. Care for a parent who can't be bothered to take responsibility for their own well-being, or change for the better as a person. And he has to constantly people please and live up to their expectations. Because that how he was raised. Never allowed to put his needs ahead of everyone or anyone else. Never allowed to "No". Because that word, when it comes outta my mouth in a very calm matter-of-fact monotone voice, translates as 2 words. The second of which being "off". Helluva a happy life, huh?
Graeme1988
Hie yer hence from me heath!
Can't bloody cope anymore. Now, I'm expected to start doing more than I already do around the house. Or, so I've been obligated to by my oldest sister.
As if I haven't given up enough in the last nearly 2 decades looking after our mother. Any chance of a social life, my education, living on my own by the time I hit my 30s. Yet, I'm never allowed to complain because they "appreciate" what I do for them. And I'm being "selfish" whenever I speak about how I'm stressed out and depressed. How I feel I'm never really allowed time to just relax, not worry and just "switch off" so to speak. It takes it's fkin' toll on ya mentally, having to remind those around ya do things all the time. As well as having to fend for yersel'.
My sisters don't even realise how lucky they are: they can bugger off and get away from the stress for longer than I can. I go away for a weekend, and the day after I get back, my mother will make me guilty for doing something for myself.
As if I haven't given up enough in the last nearly 2 decades looking after our mother. Any chance of a social life, my education, living on my own by the time I hit my 30s. Yet, I'm never allowed to complain because they "appreciate" what I do for them. And I'm being "selfish" whenever I speak about how I'm stressed out and depressed. How I feel I'm never really allowed time to just relax, not worry and just "switch off" so to speak. It takes it's f
kin' toll on ya mentally, having to remind those around ya do things all the time. As well as having to fend for yersel'.My sisters don't even realise how lucky they are: they can bugger off and get away from the stress for longer than I can. I go away for a weekend, and the day after I get back, my mother will make me guilty for doing something for myself.