How are you feeling?

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Ultimately wondering why I should even bother anymore. With anything, really...

Living. Making music. The lot... it just seems so pointless. I'm just doing one ‐ the music - to distract myself from the other, really.

Apparently, my oldest sister thinks my mother should confide in more, but she doesn't. Or so she felt the need to lecture me about today. As if that's somehow my fault? 🤨😠

I just said saying next to nuthin', because I couldn't really be arsed responding to my sister's questions. But, in my head, I'm going: "Why... tha f🤬k... are ye ask me? Huh?"

Anyway, I pointed how our mother rarely opens up to me, without going into detail. Because that's another can of worm. The amount of times I've had endure listen my mum go about how "...fed-up" she is. Or how "...$h!% her life is".

Guess mine doesn't matter, huh? The disabled kid who has pretty fend for himself. Care for a parent who can't be bothered to take responsibility for their own well-being, or change for the better as a person. And he has to constantly people please and live up to their expectations. Because that how he was raised. Never allowed to put his needs ahead of everyone or anyone else. Never allowed to "No". Because that word, when it comes outta my mouth in a very calm matter-of-fact monotone voice, translates as 2 words. The second of which being "off". Helluva a happy life, huh?
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Can't bloody cope anymore. Now, I'm expected to start doing more than I already do around the house. Or, so I've been obligated to by my oldest sister.

As if I haven't given up enough in the last nearly 2 decades looking after our mother. Any chance of a social life, my education, living on my own by the time I hit my 30s. Yet, I'm never allowed to complain because they "appreciate" what I do for them. And I'm being "selfish" whenever I speak about how I'm stressed out and depressed. How I feel I'm never really allowed time to just relax, not worry and just "switch off" so to speak. It takes it's f🤬kin' toll on ya mentally, having to remind those around ya do things all the time. As well as having to fend for yersel'.

My sisters don't even realise how lucky they are: they can bugger off and get away from the stress for longer than I can. I go away for a weekend, and the day after I get back, my mother will make me guilty for doing something for myself. :mad:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Why am I constantly aasked to give my opinion on whatever the f🤬k my family are arguing about?

My oldest sister is always asking, as if my perspective means summit, as if I care.As if me being the level-headed, Zen as f🤬k calm - the yin who is always trying to defuse an intense, shouty arguments does any good.

Am the yin who either gets telt to eff off, or I'm the "family therapist" for my mother and oldest sister, who burden me with their problems and complaints. Different story if I do the same to them though, weirdly enough.

Every time she goes: "Whit d'you think aboot it?". I just want to be a right smart-arse and respond with: "Ah don't..." And, knowing my luck, my response would probably get a confused reaction rather than a laugh.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
My father and my mother have a weird relationship now.
This is saddening, that's how it feels with my parents as well, my father barely takes any initiatives with my mother (restaurant or outdoor activities). I wonder what could have caused this with both our parents. Maybe boredom
My parents separated when I was about 8 years old and then he died when I was 13. He was a great dad :cry:
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Well... I finally realised that my mother doesn't care about me. Or, should I say I've had confirmed, after years of her telling me otherwise but her actions and hostility towards me telling a different story.

We were arguing about the weekly grocery shopping, as far as the amount we're spending and buying, and ah just asked her if she genuinely cares. Because it does'nae seem that way to me, considering everything I do for her. After waiting and getting no response, I just said: "Y'know summit? My life would be a lot better if ah wus living on my own and cut you and the other 2 outta ma life".

Me saying that triggered the exact same overly dramatic, manipulative, narcissist response that it got 4 years ago, when I applied for my own place:

"Oh no, Graeme... please! Dinnae leave me! Ah couldnae cope withoot ye"

As always, the same ol' f🤬kin' story. When it comes to my perspective, my life, my physical and mental well-being... I. Don't. Matter.

Sensible. Highly regarded, supposedly. Does a lot for them. I'm the only other "clever c🤬t" in the family, according to one of my cousins. Oh aye, they got good things to say when they want to big me up. The moment I say something negative or critical, though: I'm an arsehole. Yet, I'm not even allowed to live my life on my terms. 😡😟😔

No. I'm stuck in this depressing, frustrating, miserable, $h!%* existence. With a co-depended parent who'd rather whinge to me about her problems and make excuses; rather than actually doing anything about 'em. 😠😡
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Fed-up! Fed-up with feeling that I'm obligated to do stuff by my family. Fed-up with the fact I'm never allowed to say "No" to them, and refuse to do what's been asked of me because ah don't feel like it. Always got tae people please...

Most of all I'm fed-up with constantly being let down. But then, I'm not even allowed to a lie in bed on a frickin weekend. Got woken a midday by my oldest sister. to get out the house for no particular reason. We were supposed to build my new computer desk but she went and ordered a something from Amazon that being delivered today. Despite telling me on Friday that she'd definitely help me build up my new computer desk on Sunday (today). Thanks a bunch! Ah bloody hate when folk don't keep their word, f🤬k me about n' waste my time. 😡
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Depression is starting to really sink in. Just my usual PMS depression. I've felt it coming on for the past week and this morning I didn't want to get out of bed. Even now I'm procrastinating getting around to go out to get groceries. But I need to because I know if I don't and I just wallow today I'll feel worse later than I do now.
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
I wish I had someone in my life that I could rely upon, and who'd help me when I asked for their help, instead of having to fend for myself a lot of the time. Ah guess that's asking too much, huh? 😕

It's quite tiresome having to do most things myself, because most of the time when I ask for help with something, it's met with an excuse or discouragement.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
Feeling pretty good actually. Had a really good day overall. Went for a run this morning, got a crap load of housework done. I got an email from my boss saying he's moving me up into the next pay grade - which was totally unexpected.
My fridge door seal is buggered so I went and bought a sexy new fridge..😆 and while I was at it I updated my washing machine, buying both at the same store and saving almost $200.
Did a leg workout early afternoon (I'm going to be sore tomorrow) then went out for dinner and enjoyed it. Some days you just wing it and win it 😁
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Looking forward to getting back intae making music again. Got my new computer desk — which fuckin' massive — built with help from my sister and brother-in-law.

Though, am no sure if, in retrospect, that 6 month hiatus of me doing feck all and not making music is good or bad? 🤔

Not to fond that there'll be some expectations on me now, what with me being told I'm more talented at music than ah give masel' credit for. And my guitar playing abilities getting compared to certain legendary, innovative guitarist.

Not that I'm suddenly about to start being lazy, or not put any thought into writing my music. It's just, I'm already pretty harsh on myself when putting together a song as it, ah don't want to start concerning myself with how the song will be received once I'm done recording it and put it out there on SoundCloud.
 

SoScared

Well-known member
Regret: told the outreach what I really thought about some of the practices I've been on the receiving end of. Even provided evidence to support. History is littered with malpractice delivered by unaccountable service providers.. I'm trying to get to the state where I have an opinion that I'm comfortable with but i'm able to keep that opinion to myself unless I particularly choose to share it. Just blurting it out doesn't help anyone, or does it, better than being a troll me thinks. There will be comebacks, she and the organisation has been challenged. Wish I was brave enough to become an activist. Lying and deception is the default normal.
 

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
I have a pounding headache.. I had an epidural for back pain yesterday, my 2nd one. First one was good, no problems. Yesterday it hurt like hell and it gave me low blood pressure.. I laid on the lounge room floor for 2 hours because I felt sick. I've had a pounding headache since.. I hope it goes away today. Oh well.. off to work now.
 
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MollyBeGood

Well-known member
I have a pounding headache.. I had an epidural for back pain yesterday, my 2nd one. First one was good, no problems. Yesterday it hurt like he'll and it gave me low blood pressure.. I laid on the lounge room floor for 2 hours because I felt sick. I've had a pounding headache since.. I hope it goes away today. Oh well.. off to work now.
Oh no! That sounds awfully rough. You should definitely not be working after that. Hope you feel better soon!!
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
So I sold some stuff online today to a really nice couple who I needed up chatting with for almost an hour-so not like me. Also nice was the fact she was shocked at my age and thought I was in my 20’s. So I said “thanks so much stop and by anytime” haha But I did kinda mean it, too...
 

Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Feeling quite anxious about getting back into my old daytime routine after 4 years of being stuck in a rut.
Still feeling much the way about this. I'm trying not to psych myself out about it. It's feels weird getting back into making music more, frequently. I am partly worried that it won't be like it was before. In that, what if I'm not as productive or as prolific in my output or coming up with idea? What if I can't reignite that creative spark that slowly started to fade out around this time, 4 years ago? 🤔 😟

Also, I don't know how I'm going to feel listening back to that batch of unfinished instrumental songs that I started writing around spring/summer 2017 but ultimately abandoned due to depression slowly got the better of me. Because my family life was pretty much imploding around me and going to crap. 😔
 
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