Feeling anxious today. Not as bad as yesterday, but still feel unsettled. I think I'm going to preoccupy myself today by cleaning more again and doing some laundry. Also might go ahead and make my anxiety worse and apply for more jobs since this current job option is not working out. If I don't hear back from my email by the afternoon, I am going to follow up with another email and tell them to cancel the second interview.
I sent an email two days ago explaining my prior experiences and how I personally felt that there wasn't a way I could meet their second interview requirements without assistance. I also asked several questions regarding what they wanted and how it was going to work translating lessons via video conference. The person I've been in touch with throughout this whole ordeal has been fairly quick to respond this whole time, so the fact she's not responding now leaves me with a sinking feeling that this isn't a good sign. I'm tired of seeing nothing but red flags and blatant unprofessionalism from companies. Already this year I've been rejected from 3 jobs for really shitty excuses - 1.) Couldn't lift their supposed weight requirements, despite this NOT being in the job description, NOT being a job that revolves around constant lifting, and other employees currently working there not being able to lift those requirements either (word of mouth from someone I know who works there), 2.) Job position advertised was incorrect and wasn't the position that was actually open; the correct position that was open I was "overqualified" for, 3.) Looked over resume and basically said I wasn't good enough. No explanation as to what I had and what they were actually looking for. I refused to ask any questions further since they weren't willing to actually be upfront about anything. With these experiences plus the other handfuls of jobs I've applied and heard absolutely NOTHING, I'm convinced that professionalism no longer exists. It pays to treat people like shit and constantly look at and treat them like slaves.
I know COVID has royally screwed the job market, and is the majority of the reason why I'm having such a hard time finding a job, but sweet baby Jesus it is no excuse for all this bullshit I keep coming across.
I'm feeling troublingly low at the moment. I feel like I have some severely deep wounds festering within me that I can't seem to get relief from. I feel like I've lost hope in almost every avenue I used to find it in. I used to hope one day I'd find love, but that dream has all but died within me now. I used to hope I'd find success with my art, but nothing ever came of it, and now my creative spark feels limp and lifeless and in no fit state to compete. I used to have hope for the future, but the state of the world today has knocked that out of me too. Now I feel mostly fear. I used to hope, at least, I could live a moral, upstanding life and make God proud, but the more I examine myself the more I realise how shitty a person I truly am, and it seems there's no end to the messages in today's media reminding me of this fact.
I've got no-one to talk to.
But even if I did, I don't know how I'd begin to communicate what I feel.
I think I need a holiday. Get back to basics. Simple living. Low expectations. I'll just make some crap art for a bit.
I'm just feeling down and depressed, so back to my usual self in many ways.
I wish my life could go back to normal. Not normal in the sense life before this COVID lockdown/quarantine pish, but 3 years ago, when I was actually happy and enjoying life. Now ah just feel like I'm constantly comprising for my family, and neglecting myself more than ah used to.
So tired. I didn't sleep well last night - cat's dish was empty and she thought the world was ending so she kept waking me up. This heat today is not helping any either. Plus PMS. Yeah, great combo. I'm actually surprised I'm not grumpier. Probably because despite everything I still managed to accomplish two bigger projects today, so that makes me a little relieved.