How are you feeling?

Stiff neck, headache, realizing that the teenage version of me had it all figured out, after all.

As a kid, i never could laugh - it was always fake, to satisfy others. It's like i was never genuinely happy. Same with smiling (i was self-conscious about my grin, so i smiled instead) .. there was always unease/anxiety underneath the fake facade. About the only time it was true genuine mirth/happiness was when i "let one off", and then it was almost uncontrollable giggling. Sick as it may sound, maybe it was my only "outlet" for true self-expression to others that i had (was very shy/etc). :question:

I just had a healthy croissant.

not yet. it's just after midday, & i'm still in bed (on laptop)

The last few weeks have been offsites, workshops, presentations, expert panels. I've been getting through them, but being around people sucks the energy from me.

I used to feel "rich", rich in spirit, rich in stuff, rich in purpose, rich in activities, but nowadays i feel "poor", like a lost tramp of the soul. :sad:

Feeling optimistic. I'm coming up on two years at my job and I'm still as happy as I was when I first started. Usually, that NEVER happens. Usually, I'm happy for the first few months then it becomes hell for me as my SA becomes more and more of a problem with people. Where I am now, everyone respects distances, is mature and pleasant to be around. I'm very thankful to be where I am.

I'm trying to lose weight, but I keep slipping. Alas.

Didnae want things to come to this, but it seems getting a place of my own is the best option. For me, for them, for everyone really. As, lately, I'm just getting repeated confirmation that only person who genuinely cared about me is my oldest sister. :sad: Which is more than ah cun say for our mother within the last year.

Would be wrong of me to laugh in their faces before I go? Since the whole family spiel about them caring about me is gonnae be their go-to tactic for trying to keep me around. :omg:

Am I abnormal for preferring online shopping, rather than having to go into town to the store? :question:

Hate the fact I'm so timid and unassertive, I can't say no to anything.

People can probably see it in my face mannerisms that I am the above: open mouth, just a gazed look that yup, this guy will not say no..

How do I say no or learn how to say no in life? Before I can, I'd have to get a handle on the different emotions I have..

SilentAndShy said: ↑

Hate the fact I'm so timid and unassertive, I can't say no to anything.

People can probably see it in my face mannerisms that I am the above: open mouth, just a gazed look that yup, this guy will not say no..

How do I say no or learn how to say no in life? Before I can, I'd have to get a handle on the different emotions I have..

Story my life right there. :omg:

Just wondering if I’m in the wrong for feeling pissed off that my older sister didnae even bother tae ask me to print off a letter for her, she just email me outta the blue and assumed I’d do it? Solely because I agreed and print off some car insurance documents for her a few days ago.

My mother seems to think so (that I’m in wrong) - as per usual. :kickingmyself:

Aye, ah know it’s trivial, but, she could’ve at least f*ckin’ asked me first like... y’know? :thumbdown:

I'm feeling tired and defeated.

Quite upset that I’m, effective, being forced outta the home that I grew up in. More so because I’m partly responsible for the place, financially. And I don’t even feel like it’s home anymore, :sad:

But, just being totally disregarded like I mean nuthin’ — that f*ckin’ hurts the most, man. :crying:

lily said: ↑

why do you feel poor, not rich now? b/c of the house?

I feel poor in spirit. :sad:

how come? probably b/c you're lonely. Take care!

lily said: ↑

you're getting kicked out of your own house? why? you must be happy then about that?
i hope you feel better soon!

Well, I’m not being literally kicked out. Even though I wish I was, since I’d be able to get place of my own a lot quicker were that the case. Naw! My mother is just making me feel less and less like she wants me around. :sad: Like she’d rather have my older sister and her grandchildren (my nieces) living with her, instead of me. But I’m used to that... being ignored and overlooked.

“Oh, Graeme, ah need ya! Don’t know what I’d do without you, y’know that?” wus the manipulative BS mantra she’d spout last year, every time I’d say how I felt about things lately. Now...? F*ck! It’s like I’m invisible!

I guess you could say I don’t feel particularly welcome in my own home anymore. Like I’m in the way. But that’s how it’s been for the last year, so I might as well pack up and piss off somewhere. :idontknow:

I'm afraid of my future even though i felt things got a little better or a lot in another way but i hope God really takes care of me and that there are really things coming into my future.

lily said: ↑

how come? probably b/c you're lonely. Take care!

No, that's just one of the issues i have (lack of human stimulation). My situation is a tad complex. But i'm used to it now.