How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

I bailed. I couldn't handle it.

My step-brother's new fiance, who I haven't met yet, being at the party, combined with the recent tension between me and my uncle just made it too damn much.

I stood in the upstairs bathroom trying to pull it together for fifteen minutes but the anxiety just kept building and building. I was on the verge of tears. I sneaked out during a sliver of opportunity, though my cousin passed me in the front yard on her way in. She asked me where I was going and I told her I was on the brink of a full-blown panic attack, she said that she'd tell my mother the deal (she's had her own issues, so it was actually a blessing that she caught my Batman act).

After that, I drove around for ten minutes trying to negotiate a deal with myself, something that would convince me to go back in, but there was no way.

I'm back at my apartment now, expecting a phone-call any second from my mother. She's going to be very upset that I'm not there, meanwhile my douche-bag step-father will relish my "2017 Christmas no-show", while the rest of my family rolls their eyes at my perceived melodrama.

This is the worst.

Sorry things didn't go well. Don't bet yerself up about it, though. Your family's attitude towards your anxiety says more about them than you. Though, hopefully your mum won't be overly emotional about you not being there? Whereas mine practically guilt-trips me into going. mg: :kickingmyself:


My Christmas will be tomorrow, and by f*ck, ah hope ah don't lose my temper with my older sister. Oh, I'm dreading it. Cuz she has really put a downer on the latter half of 2017 for me. And I'm the only family member who hasn't spoken my mind about how she has acted since moving back home. And believe me, I've got a lot to say to not just her, but the other two as well. And ah just know my lack of cheer will get the better of me.

Thus, for that reason, I'd rather spend Christmas alone. Though, it'll make a change me ruining things this year. Usually it's the older sisters who cause a huge rammie.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Thanks, Graeme. I haven't received the call yet so maybe she's doing okay with it (though a hundred different horrible scenarios are running through my head).

I hope things go okay with your family tomorrow, you deserve to have a life away from all that.

 

[Kiwong]

Tough time before during and after, Fountain. Got to try and let it all go, the self analysis of the aftermath.

 

[Graeme1988]

Thanks, Graeme. I haven't received the call yet so maybe she's doing okay with it (though a hundred different horrible scenarios are running through my head).

Possibly... :thinking: :idontknow: Or maybe she's realised getting mad at you won't help?

 

[Graeme1988]

I hope things go okay with your family tomorrow, you deserve to have a life away from all that.

So do I. But, as I said, I'm anxious as f*ck. Nevermind the fact 2 children will be there - my nieces. Well, 3 if ya count my older sister. Ooh! Better not utter that at the dinner table.

As for a life away from all my family's narcissistic guff, I've asked my oldest sister to help me fill out the housing application form again. As I got in touch with the housing department and they told me they never got my initial form. But I've told her at no point can she tell our mother. As I don't want another argument over me moving out, where I'm made out to be the bad guy. :thumbdown: If the last 5 months don't convince her of that, then nothing will.

So, here's hoping... New year, new start. raying: Otherwise, my orthopaedic surgery and rehab during last year was a wait of time, as far as the hope of being independent goes.

 

[theslowesthand]

Haven't watched hardly any tv in months, but today (xmas day) i forced myself to watch a film (the sound of music), and i enjoyed it & found some peace, and had a beer & some chocolates i was given. Afterwards i was immediately bored (back to my usual state), but i might watch another film or two tonight, so i just have to fill in the time till then. I think films take me to a better place, and they show me things that i'm missing out on, but nevermind.

Now it's tonight. No more films today (just the one). Feeling a bit sad & lonely now. :sad: Trying to fix the mood with music. So far the music's not working, but getting me from one state (eg nervy/restless) to another (eg lonely). Now playing the "romantic big guns" music, to start with with - the little river band. Gotta try to get through the rest of the night. Gotta keep the "kicks" coming in fast, when i'm in a tentative mood like this. Still drinking; might have to up the ante with that, if i need to. Battle with my feelings is a normal daily occurrence for me .. every day's a battle. :sad:. 'Hang on, help is on it's way, i'll be there as fast as i can' (if only).

Now playing The Cure. Suits my somewhat melancholic mood.
Now playing Pearl Jam (harder, more aggro than the cure, but also sad/intense).

 

[Sarah_M]

A little annoyed that I had to work yesterday and today, but I guess that's what happens when you work at a hospital. Today doesn't even feel like Christmas because of that - I hope I can at least go home early :/

 

[Hot_Tamale]

A little annoyed that I had to work yesterday and today, but I guess that's what happens when you work at a hospital. Today doesn't even feel like Christmas because of that - I hope I can at least go home early :/

A Christmas party with all my relatives and no pets to go see the whole time, and one TV for the kids. This kind of makes me wish I was working.

 

[Sarah_M]

A Christmas party with all my relatives and no pets to go see the whole time, and one TV for the kids. This kind of makes me wish I was working.

I guess if you don't like your family that kind of sucks, but I love my family. We're doing pajamas and breakfast for dinner with games and mimosas. Plus, I bought everyone nice gifts this year and want to see their faces.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

I guess if you don't like your family that kind of sucks, but I love my family. We're doing pajamas and breakfast for dinner with games and mimosas. Plus, I bought everyone nice gifts this year and want to see their faces.

I love my family too, its not that. Parties make me nervous but I still love them all. I hope you have fun, that sounds like a fun night for you

 

[Graeme1988]

Well... that wus crap. :sad: When yer family doesn't get along well, Christmas tend to like that, put on this fake round. :idontknow: But then I didn't feel in the mood for it, having been really tired and stressed out as of late.

My niece was the only one who wus genuinely happy about today.

Not that I hate my family, or anything like that. Well, not to that extent. It's just, when ya feel obligated to attended a get together it kinda takes a lot of it, y'know?

 

[Graeme1988]

I remember being depressed, after I had to help my brother take his PC to a technical workshop, where we had to keep on going.... on, and on, and on. Not to mention the depression he himself felt. Oh, and try not to repair printers - I've had a history of many printers, mostly that of HP, which just kept on messing up after a few months of purchase. Repairs are done in such a manner, that they'll start to malfunction after a few months - and thus, you're forced to buy a new one.

Ok, I feel slightly better now.

I attempted to repair a printer once. Not naming the brand cuz they're crap in my opinion. Epson. But it didn't last, cuz the paper jam incidents kept happening. So, I bought a better printer. Which, thankfully, has worked fine since I bought it.

 

[theslowesthand]

Had a chat with dad about my life & change (my absolute "favorite" kind of chat - about reality). As a result now i'm "f*ked" big-time. Really could do with some spirits, but beer will have to do. Playing the most intense/hard blues i know - Cream.

 

[Graeme1988]

 

[FountainandFairfax]

Had a chat with dad about my life & change (my absolute "favorite" kind of chat - about reality). As a result now i'm "f*ked" big-time. Really could do with some spirits, but beer will have to do. Playing the most intense/hard blues i know - Cream.

You mean criticisms about your symptoms disguised at chat, with no offer to help or provide support for the underlying disorder, beyond reciting the same old platitudes that you've heard ever since you were 14?

Yeah, I've had those chats...

 

[theslowesthand]

You mean criticisms about your symptoms disguised at chat, with no offer to help or provide support for the underlying disorder, beyond reciting the same old platitudes that you've heard ever since you were 14?

No, these are chats about pressuring/scaring me into changing things (eg putting worst-case scenarios into my mind, eg mum or dad dying; it makes me worry). I can't handle change, esp if done by others. Although it was just talk, i was super anxious last night, & today i'm almost depressed. I'm playing the most soothing/gentle music & brain audio just to get through it.

 

[Kiwong]

My greatest fear getting new specs at Specsavers. The in your face customer care is overwhelming.

 

[Graeme1988]

My greatest fear getting new specs at Specsavers. The in your face customer care is overwhelming.

Ah found that out back in April. Yeah, the staff are pretty full on.

 

[defiance]

How many times have I said I wish I was never born on this site? Well here is one more because I mean it every time I say it. I truly wish that I was never born.:crying:

 

[Hot_Tamale]

How many times have I said I wish I was never born on this site? Well here is one more because I mean it every time I say it. I truly wish that I was never born.:crying:

Yea I wish I could turn back the hands of time too. Nothing I can do about it now but instead of wishing I'd never been born sometimes I catch myself thinking I wish I'd been born some kind of dog or cat but that comes with its own set of negatives...so, meh, life sucks for me either way I slice it.