How are you feeling?

[theslowesthand]

Very limited as to what i can do :thumbdown:
(means boredom has won again)
(& got that hopeless feeling that i can't just get out there & do stuff)

 

[theslowesthand]

Stuck in almost the only place i can be (in my house).
The air is hot & stuffy (the fan makes it bearable).
The activity is using my pc (about the only thing i can do in my house).
Woe is me. :sad:
:thumbdown:

 

[Graeme1988]

I've been trying gratitude, but i tell ye its no easy. In fact i'm probably failing completely, due to all the negatives overwhelming the positives, and i just don't think like that (i'm a glass-half-empty guy)

Not really sure if I'm like this as well, or if I've just taken my mum's constant dour, pessimistic, "Everything's shit" attitude, and her habit of always seeing the worst in every situation, and adopted that approach as my own? No positive male role models in my life, so... :idontknow:

Being mollycoddled, esp when they handled people for me, certainly didn't help me to develop my own natural way with people. I "hid" behind my family so much, that i didn't develop a proper personality (my own one); i simply didn't know "how to be" around people in most situations. And i'm still paying the price $30 odd years later.

Don't think I hid behind my family, really. I think I got so used to them doing stuff for me and that I just accepted and never questioned it. As for not developing a proper personality, for me, that was due to always being pressured and expected to be a certain way, which fed into my not being comfy around people.

My oldest sibling seems to be under the impression that I'd have a very good rapport with people if I was more at ease. I'm assuming she's basing that off how I was during my recovery, and while we were in Edinburgh last year.

 

[theslowesthand]

Feeling a bit rueful that i never maintained contact with anyone from school. Ok, my "friends" that i hung out with at school didn't really like me (it seems), but there were quite a few others whom i think liked me, but due to my low self-esteem i believed that they also wouldn't truly like to keep in touch. Some i could have kept in touch, on this site which is now closed, but my low self-esteem prevented that from happening. Now it's all too late. :sad:

Same goes for advanced education & my workplaces. I think also so******ing was & is out of my comfort zone. Something's never felt quite right about it; it's probably my low self-esteem.

So now i am left with basically zero social life (but i never really had much of one anyway). And i think that affects my wellbeing. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Feeling a bit rueful that i never maintained contact with anyone from school. Ok, my "friends" that i hung out with at school didn't really like me (it seems), but there were quite a few others whom i think liked me, but due to my low self-esteem i believed that they also wouldn't truly like to keep in touch. Some i could have kept in touch, on this site which is now closed, but my low self-esteem prevented that from happening. Now it's all too late. :sad:

I never did, either. Though, I never had any many friends in school. Most o' them got big into parties and recreational drug use by the time secondary school rolled round. So.. :idontknow:

That said, I was friends with a lad who was born with spina bifida and a couple years younger than me, until I left school. We bonded via how shitty it is to be disabled at times. My mum actually met him and his mum while out shopping a few weeks ago. They asked how I was keeping, but my mum never gave details, other than that. So I don't know if she blabbed about my operation last year.

 

[Graeme1988]

Same goes for advanced education & my workplaces. I think also so******ing was & is out of my comfort zone. Something's never felt quite right about it; it's probably my low self-esteem.

So now i am left with basically zero social life (but i never really had much of one anyway). And i think that affects my wellbeing. :sad:

:crying: Ouch! That struck a nerve. I can certainly relate, there. ::
Though, I've always had that feeling of not fitting in, socially. What with my disability making things awkward, and the whole bi-racial issue. I think standing out too much from everyone else contributed to me not really liking being centre of attention, as well low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.

 

[theslowesthand]

I think standing out too much from everyone else contributed to me not really liking being centre of attention

I certainly stood out - skinny, pale, funny walk, glasses. Plus of course, i was HUGELY self-conscious overall, and it "KILLED" me to be center of attention. Hell, i couldn't even handle dinner at the table with my family!. Basically really, any more than 1 person, and i felt shy & self-conscious. School assemblies were a NIGHTMARE, and i often hid in the toilets or went to my home room, rather than go into assembly late (i had a late bus).

 

[defiance]

I want to break down and cry. It just hurts so bad man. My body and mind are just so weak. I try to be hopeful about the future and I even get out there and try to engage with the world, but I end up worse for it somehow. I end up more depressed and more anxious for it. I cannot stop emphasizing how much pain I am in. I wish something miraculous can happen overnight and change the course of my life for the better. If I am to be honest with myself, I know I won't survive long like this because it is a miracle that I have even survived this long. I don't know man...I just don't know.:crying:

 

[Mikazuki1590]

I want to break down and cry. It just hurts so bad man. My body and mind are just so weak. I try to be hopeful about the future and I even get out there and try to engage with the world, but I end up worse for it somehow. I end up more depressed and more anxious for it. I cannot stop emphasizing how much pain I am in. I wish something miraculous can happen overnight and change the course of my life for the better. If I am to be honest with myself, I know I won't survive long like this because it is a miracle that I have even survived this long. I don't know man...I just don't know.:crying:

I feel ya, man. *cyber hug*

Just know that there are peeps here who understand.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

Feeling burned out. I haven't missed a day of Sunday church in almost 10 years and I don't want to go anymore because I have a lot of other stressors in my life right now. The people I can talk to can't help me.

 

[AtTheGates]

I'm feeling like I really want to consider moving to california in the next couple years. after I put in 18 months at the prison I work at ill have the option to move up to a federal prison and make a way higher salary. I really need to look at the cost of living in CA though because I dont want to move out there and be broke at the end of every month.

I grew up on the east coast but iv never really found what I'm looking for here. idk where or when ill TRULY find what I'm looking for.

 

[theslowesthand]

Boredom's got me beat, yet again. It's being "tricky" today. I'm stumped.
:idontknow: :thumbdown:

 

[Marc7]

No, the Republic of Ireland isn't part of the UK. Just Northern Ireland is part of the UK. I know, it's confusing, since I also tend to think of Ireland as whole country. Forgetting about the north/south divide of the country.

Oh I get it now.

Yeah, it is. I think I was most affected by that, being the youngest and only son. Not having that parent I was supposed to be like, model myself after. Being told to be the man of the house but never being taught how, or given the chance to. And I look just like my dad as well.

Did you have another father figure in your life or no?

They used to, but not anymore. Just some ill-judged jokes about my appearance, like. Nothing derogatory as far slurs go, still pretty cruel, though. There's only so often you can hear the "You look just..." joke, with the punchline comparing you to a Middle Eastern terrorist stereotype, and genuinely laugh at. Before it starts remind you of the bullies from yer school days. Plus, I could never think of a funnier comeback.

That's good they don't say racist things to you anymore. But sucks they still say cruel jokes.You should think of one to comeback at them.

That's what my sister and I thought. Still I felt empathy for the lad, it's no easy going up to and speaking to total strangers.

Yea.

Well, I didn't want them to think I was doing to spite my father. Since my dad and I never got a long, and I never truly knew him, compared my other half-siblings on his side of the family. Mainly because my mum and sisters never had a good word to say about him while I was growing up, given how abusive he was towards our mum. Though, thankful that was long before I came into the world.

And when he did come back into my life, my mum and sisters just expected me to forget the story they'd told about him. And my mum's relationship advice to me, which was obviously heavily influenced by her past relationships. Particularly with my dad, and the relationship previous to that, my older half-sister's dad.

Why would they think you would spite your father?

Uh-huh! Well, it was the only culture I grew up around. So, haven't known anything. Though, racism made me more aware of the other side of my racial identity. I think I'd have embraced my African side more equally if I'd had a better relationship with my dad.

Maybe you could research about your Kenyan side.

No, there's an Asian family who own the Chinese takeaway, who are bi-racial. They been living in the town long before I was born. The son who works there has a strong Scottish accent. But still rare for the town where I live.

And, in recent years, a couple families of Indian and Turkish background have settled in my area and taken over some local shops and food takeaways that were looking for new ownership.

What ethnicity was the Asian family if they are biracial?

I know. Just difficult to realise that when I feel like such a burden at times. :sad:

I feel like I'm a burden to my family too .

Oh, just the few lines where it was just you responding to something I'd explained, and I didn't feel there was more to be said, really. So, just left those out, and shortened it to included the questions you were asking me.

Oh okay.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm about as f*cked as this doom metal i'm listening to, hehe

 

[theslowesthand]

Just another typical grim day in the jail cell that is my life. :kickingmyself::kickingmyself::kickingmyself:
(How i let it get to this, i DO NOT KNOW :idontknow

 

[theslowesthand]

Feel almost like giving up on my own life, & instead focussing on sby else's (as if it were, & a replacement for, my own). Ie to "get a life". Seems the only way that i could ever have the experience of normality - thru someone else's eyes.

 

[defiance]

Feel almost like giving up on my own life, & instead focussing on sby else's (as if it were, & a replacement for, my own). Ie to "get a life". Seems the only way that i could ever have the experience of normality - thru someone else's eyes.

Yeah...I know what you mean man.:crying:

 

[defiance]

:kickingmyself:I would love to give up right about now. Mind and body are weak and I fear they might get worse. For S**TS sake man I can't do anything without getting anxiety to the point where I am a nervous wreck. Then this makes the daily depression even worse. I just don't want this to keep going. I need a miracle of some sort.:crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

Feel almost like giving up on my own life, & instead focussing on sby else's (as if it were, & a replacement for, my own). Ie to "get a life". Seems the only way that i could ever have the experience of normality - thru someone else's eyes.

I gave up my life to focus on someone else's in that exact way. Thinking I was being a good person. Trust when I say it's not worth it. Unless ye want tone of guilt, self-loathing, constantly making compromises and looking back on yer life with regret. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

Start of the daily boredom h: :idontknow:

Edit: It's lovely & sunny outside, and i've just been for a wee wander ... but i'm still bored, you know what i mean?