How are you feeling?

It seems like every day's the same
And I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
And there's no colour to behold

I feel the dream in me expire
And there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
Cause I can't seem to get this through
 
worn out . its was my first FULL day (12 hours). all the others last week were about 8 hours . and its only my 2nd OFFICIAL day at the prison I'm working at, all last week was at central and then a community college nearby. I'm glad I'm not sitting in a classroom all day anymore because my a$s was starting to hurt but now I'm walking around all day so my FEET hurt. i guess no matter what somethings going to hurt.

today was eventful
i had to help another officer cuff an inmate and take him to segregation because he punched another inmate in the face for talking on the phone for too long.

another inmate found out that his aunt died . apparently she was all he had in the world so he told the sergeant that he wanted to kill himself and then broke down in her office . had to take him to medical.


and some folk nation gang members threatened me when i tried to stand up for a fellow officer ....they were like "dis real gang sh!t right here. you dont wanna know!" (whatever that means) then as i was walking the group back to dorm 3 , him and his friends kept turing around and talking crap to me. he actually then threw up a gang sign briefly which I'm pretty sure was folk nation

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folk_Nation


thats ok though...ill just report report him to the gang unit..what a moron..oh well, i guess some peoples egos are much larger than their brains..



and anyway, various other stuff happened but mostly along the lines of the inmates acting like children.


all in all though idk how i feel about this job yet...idk if any of the inmates are plotting on me right now haha...its very entertaining though, to say the least....and as far as exposure therapy goes: its WORKING.
 
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I gave a presentation today in front of 20 students, it was so difficult and I started sweating but the longer it went the easier it got. It was like ripping off a band-aid. I still fumbled for words but I still managed myself well!
One time at school, we had to do a speech based on a piece of paper drawn from a hat. I drew "bum". Teacher said to pick another, but i refused to, and did a talk on "bum". Stubborn OCD me! hehe. I thought i'd be more embarassed than i was. I kinda went into some details, just for the hell of it, to do the finger to everyone who thought i was this quiet, passive "baby". Ended up probably them being more embarassed, due to seeing how i was struggling to get the words out (& the topic of course!) :giggle:
 
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I'm thinking just maybe it might be seeing young women in town, that makes me "STIR CRAZY" afterwards .. like YEE HAAA, RIDE 'EM COWBOY amount of stir crazy.
I mean, that does seem to be a common factor, thru all these years. Seeing what i can never have. Frustration to the Nth degree.
Just a thought. Trying to do some self-diagnosis here.
:question: :question: :question:
 
'Let's go ****ING CRAZY!!!'
Graeme, any ideas?
Why ye askin' me, like? :idontknow:

  • Get totally pished (drunk) at yer local pub and start behaving like this:
    Rod Stewart drunk while making an appearance on live TV in Scotland
  • Get a tattoo? :question: It only hurts a wee bit. :giggle:
  • Troll the f**k out of humourless people in public by wearing an offensive - but to you - funny t-shirt, and see how folk react. More so if you live in or visit somewehere where people tend to be uptight, generally. And if they take umbrage, that's their problem, innit? :bigsmile:
 
How, exactly? Kinda difficult seeing the postive in trying to reason with someone who insist that they're in the right and your perspective because it doesn't match theirs is automatically wrong. And this isn't up for debate and reasoning with. Because my mum is exactly like this. Her way or no way... Ma dad wus the same. Where's the positive in that? :confused:
One such positive could be, everytime they act "difficult", say to yourself 'This event is positive for me, as it's teaching me how to deal with difficult people, and not react to them'.
 
On the verge of a mental n' emotionally nervous breakdown. :sad: :crying: Which could mean, finally, putting some actual physical distance between me and my family. Because I'm sick, fed up of being treated the way I am at times. Don't know how much longer I can silently endure it. :kickingmyself: Fed up with having to be the one who always apologise for someone else's f**k-up. As well as giving second chances to people who don't deserve them.

Still, it should be a right effin' laugh when 13 years worth of my bottled up frustration, daddy issues and internalised torment comes to the fore, shouldn't it? Since there's a great deal of dark humour to found in one's emotional pain, vulnerability and suffering. Well, at least, that's how my family see it. Based on how they've treated me over the years.
If it leds to a massive stress induced heart attack then... Yay for me!
 
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