How are you feeling?

[Graeme1988]

This has been me for a long time now. So I know where your coming from.

How do you deal with this feeling, then? Just asking, because I'm finding it difficult to shake this sense of pointlessness. :sad: :idontknow:

 

[defiance]

How do you deal with this feeling, then? Just asking, because I'm finding it difficult to shake this sense of pointlessness. :sad: :idontknow:

Although this won't be a solid answer to you question, and I apologize for that, this is the closest I can come to answering it. I try everything I can that makes me feel a bit hopeful. So I might go for a walk and listen to music I really enjoy to make me feel happy and then it will slowly, very slowly in my case, start to go away. The trigger for this feeling in my case has been due to how low I can sink with my depression anxiety and especially suicidal thoughts. When your thoughts become one of not wanting to be here anymore, you feel detached from reality because you feel as if you don't exist here. It feels as if all emotion and interaction is foreign to you somehow and you are stuck in this thick fog. But yeah trying to calm or makes myself happy in some way brings me back to reality a bit and therefore makes that numbness go away for a bit. Hope this helps you in any way it can.

 

[Graeme1988]

Although this won't be a solid answer to you question, and I apologize for that, this is the closest I can come to answering it. I try everything I can that makes me feel a bit hopeful. So I might go for a walk and listen to music I really enjoy to make me feel happy and then it will slowly, very slowly in my case, start to go away. The trigger for this feeling in my case has been due to how low I can sink with my depression anxiety and especially suicidal thoughts. When your thoughts become one of not wanting to be here anymore, you feel detached from reality because you feel as if you don't exist here. It feels as if all emotion and interaction is foreign to you somehow and you are stuck in this thick fog. But yeah trying to calm or makes myself happy in some way brings me back to reality a bit and therefore makes that numbness go away for a bit. Hope this helps you in any way it can.

Those are actually good suggestions. Thanks for answering my question. :thumbup:

 

[defiance]

Those are actually good suggestions. Thanks for answering my question. :thumbup:

Your welcome. Hope you feel better soon.:thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

I don't feel attractive either.

I’ve always felt more self-conscious than attractive when it comes to my looks.

I mean were you born barrel chested?

No, I wasn't. I was tiny when I was born. The barrel chested developed over time; changes during adolescents coupled with the fact my mum had and still has a very laid-back attitude to what constituted a healthy diet. In that, she used to tell me I was talking nonsense whenever I’d complain about how the fridge would just be filled with cans of fizzy drinks, and that not being good for yer health, overall. Since my mum’s logic has been to buy food or drinks on the basis of whether or not I’ve tried and like them, and buy it often. With little regard to the expiry date, or whether I’ll actually eat or drink any of it. This being the main reason for much of the hoarding in the house, as well as many frustrating arguments.

I would do that too but I don't have motivation unfortunately but I know I have to feel attractive.

What do you mean by the line about having to feel attractive? :question:

Well, for me, working out is more about getting in shape. So my motivation comes more for wanting to keep fit and healthy. Than it is wanting to feel attractive. I tend to blush and avoid eye contact whenever some girl checks me out. And that happens to me quite a lot, given my body size and big arms. Especially lately whenever I go out to shops. I guess, I don’t know how to deal with the attention? What with not being used to it.

Do you do exercise to loose weight still or to help your physical self?

Haven't been lately, no. I've not really been exercising much since July, when my physiotherapists stopped my rehab because I'd been making progress weekly to the point where there wasn't much else to do.

Not really done much exercise since coming back from my month long stay in Edinburgh. I haven't got back into the rountine. Also, with the weather being quite changeable here in Scotland, I haven't really got outside for many walks, either.

But I really should get back into it, like.

Why does your family wait hand and foot on you?

Well... There's 2 reasons. They tend to be concerned about me, especially when I'm out and about. Since I tend to be off and away and they have to keep up.

And my mum has forever been under the impression that disabled people need constant care. Therefore, I must be waited on. She likes to feel needed to give her a sense of purpose, so this result in her doing things I haven't asked of her - as she just assumes it's what I want.

So, since the surgery, I'm still stuck in this manipulative co-dependent relationship with my mum. In which, my mum will determine what time I'll wake up in the morning; if or when I'm allowed to get a shave, etc. Overbearing to the point of annoying, basically. It's one reason why we tend to argue a lotta the time.

Me wanting to be as independent as I can, and my mum still wanting to be in control and tell me what to do. Despite my mum promising to change her ways after I'd had my operation.

So the exams at the start and end of the two years determine if you going beyond?

No, those exams at the end of the first couple of years determine which grade you'll be studying for - standard, intermediate or credit level grade - when you move into third and fourth year. It's the exams during third and and at the end of fourth that determine whether you'll go beyond yer final fifth and sixth years to university.

Why can't you cope with going to college? Btw I don't think I'm ready to go back.

Just the stress of it, really. My anxiety and depression. I mean secondary school was hell for me, like. And the high expectations of family, since they hate when I disappoint them.

And just the idea of living on my own - as far as how I'd cope. This relates more to my disability, more than anything. Since I've only had the glimpses here and there of how it could be when my mum goes over to Ireland

And then there's my mum... again. Me going to college would be like me moving out, in a way. And according my oldest sister and her boyfriend, our mum didn't know what to do with herself while I was in hospital getting my surgery. Oh, she was pacing about. Constantly on the phone to asking how things were going, wanting updates while I still in the operating theatre.

What race told you these racist things and how did you deal with it?

Mostly white people, sadly. Sorry to say, but it’s true.
Didn’t deal with it too well, looking back. Quite badly, in fact. Since I don’t think I’ve gotten over it, really. Given how prolonged it was, over many years. Let’s just say that teasing and a sarcastic insults aimed me can bring back memories of these bad times.

But being told to just ignore the bullying is probably the stupidest piece of advice ye can give a kid who being bullied. Since it doesn’t put a stop to anything. Not that I condone threats or actual violence. But, in my case, when I did lose my temper with a group of older lads and battered the one who picked on and pushed me around a fair bit, no-one picked on me again. It did leave me with a reputation that’d I’d rather not have. The tough guy / hard man? I guess I’m not as thick skinned as I probably should be.

Why did most biracial people get call these things? Sorry you endured racism and got physically assaulted.

Well, I can only speak for myself. Though, most bi-racial people will probably have had a similar experience. But I think it’s because being mixed race means you standout more and are, therefore, different. And I was born with a lighter skin tone, so it made fitting in all the harder. Not being able to identify as one or the other, as far as racial identify goes. So you have a dual identity – meaning you can feel like an outsider at times. Or, at least, that how it felt for much of my life.

So you still get bullied today?

Naw, ma family stopped that after I asked them why it was "mean and cruel" when I made an insulting, dismissive remark at their expense. Yet, when they did it, it was "just a joke".

Your half-sister and an older member of your family resent you? Just clarifying.

When I was younger, yeah. My oldest sister's ex-husband hated the fact she'd get me what I wanted every birthday or Christmas and I used to overhear the youngest of my 2 half-sisters that grew up with complain to our mum about this a lot. As well as having a moan about me in general. I particular remember a whole discussion / argument about what I’d do with my life, which implied I was just a waste of space. And an argument in regards to my step-dad – whom I also don’t know or remember - possibly adopting me.

Yea it is going to be hard but stick through with it.

Yeah, that’s true. It’s just hard going for me, since I never got the right relationship advice growing up. As well as the mixed messages as far as self-image and self-esteem goes. Plus, the “talk” was pretty much off-limits to me, on account my disability making sex very much a taboo subject in the household. I actually learnt about sex in my second year of secondary school during biology classes - which is fine for practicality of it. But that’s all, really. Oh, and my dad - as a joke of sorts – gave me a pack of condoms for my 18 birthday and advising me to “…use ‘em wisely” Classy! mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Had a lucid dream in which I killed myself last night. Been feeling quite shaken by it, since it hard not to read into that as being how I actually feel. Given how depressed and unhappy I've felt lately. :sad:

Also, not looking forward to Christmas again this year. Since my older sister just tends to give me hassle over the fact I'm not like her or my oldest sibling or my mum as far personality goes. With me not talking much, not being as outgoing, keeping to oneself. Don't what you'd expect from an introverted, shy person, like? Or someone who had past experience of giving folk bad vibes.

But whatever, it's something I'm used to.

 

[defiance]

I just wish one really good thing would happen in my life to make all this pain and suffering go away. To start fresh and actually enjoy being alive.

 

[Graeme1988]

I just wish one really good thing would happen in my life to make all this pain and suffering go away. To start fresh and actually enjoy being alive.

I'm kinda the opposite in a way. I wish I'd let good things happen in my life, but don't feel I deserved them, really. :sad:
A fresh start? Aye, that's be great.

 

[Graeme1988]

Why is always down to me to not only remember stuff, but apparently know everything? :kickingmyself: And I'm not even that smart, really.

Ah don't know what ma mum's on about if she gonnae insist upon speaking in such vague terms and mispronouncing words and thinking it's cute. Aye, cute the first few times, but it gets old quick, like :thumbdown:

Maybe folk should get a decent education afore having and raising kids, huh? :idontknow:

 

[S_Spartan]

Life is a bore fest

 

[theslowesthand]

Life is a bore fest

I fully agree. If i'm not depressed, then i'm just plain bored out of my mind.

 

[Kiwong]

Life is a bore fest

I could handle being bored. I am too frightened all the time to be bored.

 

[Graeme1988]

Life is a bore fest

I fully agree. If i'm not depressed, then i'm just plain bored out of my mind.

These posts pretty much sums up how I feel a lotta the time.

 

[S_Spartan]

I could handle being bored. I am too frightened all the time to be bored.

That surprises me because you seem like a highly functional individual.
Any particular helpful things you do to cope? I know you like to run but any other things?

 

[Graeme1988]

Just dreading the next few days... :sad:

 

[defiance]

I woke this morning miserable, nothing new there, and I asked myself if the day will ever come where people can look at me and be proud of me. I hope that a day like that is in my future because it might be a turning point to actually getting better. raying:

 

[Graeme1988]

I woke this morning miserable, nothing new there, and I asked myself if the day will ever come where people can look at me and be proud of me. I hope that a day like that is in my future because it might be a turning point to actually getting better. raying:

Maybe? Just got to keep trying to get better, I suppose.

Though, I've kinda lost hope of the same ever happening to me. :sad:

 

[Kiwong]

That surprises me because you seem like a highly functional individual.
Any particular helpful things you do to cope? I know you like to run but any other things?

Well thanks, S_Spartan, I've been told I am high functioning, but it feels like I am clinging to that by my fingernails

I get away by myself as often as I can, that helps. Photography is definitely my biggest coping mechanism besides running, and also hiking, and botany. I write stories too, that can be therapeutic.

 

[Marc7]

I’ve always felt more self-conscious than attractive when it comes to my looks.

I feel self conscious about my voice and looks.

No, I wasn't. I was tiny when I was born. The barrel chested developed over time; changes during adolescents coupled with the fact my mum had and still has a very laid-back attitude to what constituted a healthy diet. In that, she used to tell me I was talking nonsense whenever I’d complain about how the fridge would just be filled with cans of fizzy drinks, and that not being good for yer health, overall. Since my mum’s logic has been to buy food or drinks on the basis of whether or not I’ve tried and like them, and buy it often. With little regard to the expiry date, or whether I’ll actually eat or drink any of it. This being the main reason for much of the hoarding in the house, as well as many frustrating arguments.

So your mom hoards because she wants to buy everyone stuff to eat and drink?

What do you mean by the line about having to feel attractive? :question:

Well, for me, working out is more about getting in shape. So my motivation comes more for wanting to keep fit and healthy. Than it is wanting to feel attractive. I tend to blush and avoid eye contact whenever some girl checks me out. And that happens to me quite a lot, given my body size and big arms. Especially lately whenever I go out to shops. I guess, I don’t know how to deal with the attention? What with not being used to it.

I mean so I don't feel self conscious and feel good about myself.

Are the girls giving you bad or good looks? Maybe you should make eye contact and smile.

Haven't been lately, no. I've not really been exercising much since July, when my physiotherapists stopped my rehab because I'd been making progress weekly to the point where there wasn't much else to do.

Not really done much exercise since coming back from my month long stay in Edinburgh. I haven't got back into the rountine. Also, with the weather being quite changeable here in Scotland, I haven't really got outside for many walks, either.

But I really should get back into it, like.

Yes you should go back into it.

Well... There's 2 reasons. They tend to be concerned about me, especially when I'm out and about. Since I tend to be off and away and they have to keep up.

And my mum has forever been under the impression that disabled people need constant care. Therefore, I must be waited on. She likes to feel needed to give her a sense of purpose, so this result in her doing things I haven't asked of her - as she just assumes it's what I want.

So, since the surgery, I'm still stuck in this manipulative co-dependent relationship with my mum. In which, my mum will determine what time I'll wake up in the morning; if or when I'm allowed to get a shave, etc. Overbearing to the point of annoying, basically. It's one reason why we tend to argue a lotta the time.

Me wanting to be as independent as I can, and my mum still wanting to be in control and tell me what to do. Despite my mum promising to change her ways after I'd had my operation.

Oh.

No, those exams at the end of the first couple of years determine which grade you'll be studying for - standard, intermediate or credit level grade - when you move into third and fourth year. It's the exams during third and and at the end of fourth that determine whether you'll go beyond yer final fifth and sixth years to university.

Standard is easy, intermediate is medium, and credit is hard difficulty in grades?

Just the stress of it, really. My anxiety and depression. I mean secondary school was hell for me, like. And the high expectations of family, since they hate when I disappoint them.

And just the idea of living on my own - as far as how I'd cope. This relates more to my disability, more than anything. Since I've only had the glimpses here and there of how it could be when my mum goes over to Ireland

And then there's my mum... again. Me going to college would be like me moving out, in a way. And according my oldest sister and her boyfriend, our mum didn't know what to do with herself while I was in hospital getting my surgery. Oh, she was pacing about. Constantly on the phone to asking how things were going, wanting updates while I still in the operating theatre.

I feel I already disappointed my family. In fact some family member told me I was a disappointment.

Mostly white people, sadly. Sorry to say, but it’s true.
Didn’t deal with it too well, looking back. Quite badly, in fact. Since I don’t think I’ve gotten over it, really. Given how prolonged it was, over many years. Let’s just say that teasing and a sarcastic insults aimed me can bring back memories of these bad times.

But being told to just ignore the bullying is probably the stupidest piece of advice ye can give a kid who being bullied. Since it doesn’t put a stop to anything. Not that I condone threats or actual violence. But, in my case, when I did lose my temper with a group of older lads and battered the one who picked on and pushed me around a fair bit, no-one picked on me again. It did leave me with a reputation that’d I’d rather not have. The tough guy / hard man? I guess I’m not as thick skinned as I probably should be.

What was your reputation?

Well, I can only speak for myself. Though, most bi-racial people will probably have had a similar experience. But I think it’s because being mixed race means you standout more and are, therefore, different. And I was born with a lighter skin tone, so it made fitting in all the harder. Not being able to identify as one or the other, as far as racial identify goes. So you have a dual identity – meaning you can feel like an outsider at times. Or, at least, that how it felt for much of my life.

What do you mean you were born with a lighter skin tone so it is was harder to fit in? I can relate as I don't know what to call myself black or mixed black.

Naw, ma family stopped that after I asked them why it was "mean and cruel" when I made an insulting, dismissive remark at their expense. Yet, when they did it, it was "just a joke".

Oh.

When I was younger, yeah. My oldest sister's ex-husband hated the fact she'd get me what I wanted every birthday or Christmas and I used to overhear the youngest of my 2 half-sisters that grew up with complain to our mum about this a lot. As well as having a moan about me in general. I particular remember a whole discussion / argument about what I’d do with my life, which implied I was just a waste of space. And an argument in regards to my step-dad – whom I also don’t know or remember - possibly adopting me.

Just clarifying, your youngest of two half sisters resented you because you got all the gifts you wanted from your older sister?

Yeah, that’s true. It’s just hard going for me, since I never got the right relationship advice growing up. As well as the mixed messages as far as self-image and self-esteem goes. Plus, the “talk” was pretty much off-limits to me, on account my disability making sex very much a taboo subject in the household. I actually learnt about sex in my second year of secondary school during biology classes - which is fine for practicality of it. But that’s all, really. Oh, and my dad - as a joke of sorts – gave me a pack of condoms for my 18 birthday and advising me to “…use ‘em wisely” Classy! mg:

Why was the "talk" off limits?

 

[BlueDays]

I've been told I am high functioning, but it feels like I am clinging to that by my fingernails.

^ That is an excellent description, Kiwong! Can I borrow that?
It is so frustrating when someone - especially an extended family member - takes what they see you as outside closed doors as the 'norm' for all of your daily life.

I have had an extended family member say to me "I see you as functional"

If only they knew how much intense concentration, effort and energy-zapping 'acting' that it takes for me to appear as 'functional' in public, they would be astounded. :sad: