I know it is difficult but you shouldn't think that way.
True, but it's hard not feel like people might be judging you negatively when they stare at you. Especially with my appearace - well, the right eyebrow piercing mainly. Plus, I never know whether or not it'd be awkward or rude of me to acknowledge the person - usually it's some girl - staring at me? Especially if I've clocked them looking at me then looking away, then sneeking a look at me. Which happened today, oddly enough.
What does barrel chested mean?
It just means that my chest is wider across, so sticks out more than if I were skinny. Because my rib bones are bigger. On the diagram below, I'd closer resemble the person on the right-hand side.
I'm jealous you lost weight, I want to loose weight.
Easier said than done. Mind you, it wus'nae exactly easy either, but in the process of getting ready for the surgery - all the medical test and what not - I felt I might as well lose a bit of weight. Plus, I'd be walking a bit more than I'd been previously. So didn't want to be completely knackered and outta breathe just walking a short distance, as was usually case for me prior to my surgery.
Oh. Do you think she is the smartest family member?
Used to when I was younger, but after I turned 18 I began realising she wasn't as smart as I thought. Don't really know who the smartest member of my family is? Probably a cousin that I used to admire and look up to and haven't spoke in over 10 years.
So the surgery didn't help all the way?
No, but my consultant and I knew this would be the case. Since we were essential fight against my cerebral palsy, in terms of correcting my walking and posture. It was never going
"fix" my disability completely.
Your father's family business was the pharmacy?
Well, he was looking for it to be that. But none of his kids were interested in running it. I was the last of his kids that he tried to talk into running it.
So you failed secondary school? Secondary school is grades what?
Yep, you're right on both there. Secondary school is grades. But after the first 2 years of secondary, you get pick which subjects you'd like to study for the next couple years (from age 14 - 16), and how well ye do in those will determine whether staying in school until age 18 then going onto college will be worth it.
So he did African things with you when he visited?
No, I just mean if I had more of a connection to my African side of my mixed parentage, I'd huv had a better connect with ma dad and where he came from. Rather than being raised aroon Scottish folk aw ma life and feel more Scottish than taking equal pride in being bi-racial. Does that make sense?
Don't want to get to deep into identity and national pride here.
Not that I'm knowing it, but it would've been nice tae at least huv ma dad there. Since he would've probably helped me better cope with and deal with the racism I got throughout ma school years.
And made me a better person going into my teens, rather than constantly learning from experience all the time. Because my mum would just plead ignorance whenever I asked her a question or avoid the question entirely by changing the subject.
Plus ah wouldn't huv this one-sided view of ma dad as this awful person.
Also there was a
"language barrier" to try and get past. Me with ma Scottish accent and being fluent in Scots and English, and ma dad speaking English in Kenyan accent.
So he had a wife at the time?
Aye, ma dad remarried after splitting from ma mum. Don't know if he got married multiple times, though. As far as the reason for huvin so many children.
Why do you feel your the black sheep of the family? Me too I feel like I'm the black sheep of my family.
Oh, just because ah never quite lived up to ma family's expectations. Did do as well at school, despite loving school when ah wus a wee lad, even though that was the start of the bullying the would persist with me well intae adulthood.
Ah never went to college or university, like ma sisters and cousins did. And because of my disability, ah feel like I'm just a burden to them at times.
So you think all women are like that? You should give it a shot you never know if it turns out to be positive.
No, I don't think all women are like my mum or half-sisters. Mainly just the ones who tend to repeatedly spout similar man-hating rhetoric. But no, not all women. Since not all of them behave or act like my mum or half-sisters.
I guess I just fear any potential relationships going badly. Since I've only got my mum's horrible past experiences and observating how my sisters are in their relationship to go on. And youngest of my 2 older sisters always ends up arguing about some mundane trival shite. And my oldest is to arrogant to admit when she's in the wrong, much like our mum at times. So the blame usually get placed upon me.
Not exactly example of normality are they, as far as relationships go?
Plus my relationship with ma mum has gone bad over the last 11 years. Due to my mum being very controllling and unwilling to see things from my perspective. So, it doesnae exactly bode well for me, really.
Since I've become more introverted and closed off thanks to my family treating me the way they do at times, and how they tend to be more judgemental towards me than I am of them. Even though, I only tend to criticise them when they become manipulative, or take away my right to decide what's best for me.
It also doesnae help that they have this perception of me as anti-social. When in truth, I feel like an outsider in my own family.
You shouldn't think your ugly.
Ah know, but being racial bullied most o' yer life will do that to ya. :sad:
h: No, no ma mum does think she's the smartest in the family. In fact, she always bemoans the fact I seem smarter than her.
