How are you feeling?

[GraybeardGhost]

Oh, it's heavy today, real heavy.

I made some progress yesterday—went through some boxes of books and weeded some out for the thrift shops—but today I look around and things don't look any different. I've been going at this for months, and it seems like I've achieved nothing, like all the boxes, drawers, cabinets, and heaps of papers, all the sweat and grime have been for nothing. I've dug and I've sorted and I've schlepped I don't know how many boxes and bags to the shops, but I've accomplished nothing. The mountain of garbage that is my home is no smaller than when I began. I can almost hear it laughing at my puny efforts.

And I'm lonely.

And I'm ugly.

And I'm useless, a disappointment, destined never to amount to anything.

And it's heavy, real heavy, and I don't think I can hold up much longer. I really don't know why I should.

 

[Graeme1988]

I'm going to die from acute and chronic cowardice because I can't do this one simple thing. I'm afraid that being afraid is all I'm ever going to know, and that I'll never hear the voice or feel the touch of a living friend again.

I'm afraid of the people I know, even more so of the people I love. I don't know what to do.

And I'm lonely.

And I'm ugly.

And I'm useless, a disappointment, destined never to amount to anything.

And it's heavy, real heavy, and I don't think I can hold up much longer. I really don't know why I should.

Now, ah don't say this with the intent o' makin' you feel worse. But, I can relate to what you said in these recent posts, GraybeardGhost. So yer not alone. :sad: Hopeful you find something to keep ya going, eh? It's no great dwelling upon negativity all the time.

I know, easier said than done for most of us here.

 

[Graeme1988]

What a weekend that was for me. What a month in fact!

Edinburgh was effin' awesome this year. Ah've got some great memories, still cannae belive ah met one of ma favourite comedians twice within the space of 24 hours. Had a great meal every evening as well.

Awww, cannae wait til August next year.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Another bad spell. How much longer? How much more? I can't. I just can't. I need help, but I can't. :crying:

 

[PugofCrydee]

What a weekend that was for me. What a month in fact!

Edinburgh was effin' awesome this year. Ah've got some great memories, still cannae belive ah met one of ma favourite comedians twice within the space of 24 hours. Had a great meal every evening as well.

Awww, cannae wait til August next year.

Awesome Graeme, good to hear! erfect::thumbup:

 

[Graeme1988]

Awesome Graeme, good to hear! erfect::thumbup:

Cheers! :brindis: Aye, it's been quite the experience. Made me realise ah need to make the most o' ma life.
Ah know that might seem weird to say, but it's true.

Anyway, back to ma boring life in the dour, depressing, albeit peaceful, Scottish Borders.
And findin' summit productive to do to keep depression at bay and make masel' happy.

 

[Jungle]

What a weekend that was for me. What a month in fact!

Edinburgh was effin' awesome this year. Ah've got some great memories, still cannae belive ah met one of ma favourite comedians twice within the space of 24 hours. Had a great meal every evening as well.

Awww, cannae wait til August next year.

if my friend Graeme is feeling good, well so am I!

 

[Graeme1988]

if my friend Graeme is feeling good, well so am I!

Glad to hear, Jungle. :thumbup: Though, I must admit feelin' a wee bit lost n' depressed as far what to do now that I'm back home. Despite coming back on Friday, we just commuted back n' forth to Edinburgh over the weekend, there.

Missing that constant excitment o' doin' somethin' different everyday, y'know? Ah mean, ah've got a few good stories outta ma month-long stay in Edinburgh. But that's all, really. But then, I'm still processing the months afore that when I was in rehab. Some many stories to tell, no enough time as it were.

Probably should've wrote this post in my own thread. :thinking:

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Not bad. Not bad at all. What's up with that? :idontknow:

Mornings are usually better for me: more energy, more ambition, better attitude. That's when I can get things done, before the ominous storm clouds of reality roll in and dominate the afternoon. Is it reality, though? Is it ever? Are the AM sunshine and the PM gloom really as I perceive them, or have I been wearing colored glasses all this time, rosy pink to start the day, dingy gray later on? Is this my natural manic-depressive cycle lifting me up and dropping me down as I ride the daily merry-go-round of life? If so, which is my neutral position—the up or the down? Is it somewhere in between? Which one's real? Which one's right, and what do I do about the wrong?

So now I'm feeling perplexed, but at least I'm thinking about my condition, instead of just feeling the force and impact as it tosses me around, and that's not bad. No, that's not bad at all.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Five hours later . . .

Bloody awful. Life is unbearable.

 

[Graeme1988]

Five hours later . . .

Bloody awful. Life is unbearable.

Aye, that's how I feel as well. Or overwhelmed ye could say. :sad:

 

[AsTimeBurns]

I'm in a bit of an odd place.

For 28 and a half years I was sure I'd never find anyone and just die alone, due to lack of social skills, friend-making abilities and various other things.

Somehow, I managed to find a girl at work who could see through my problems to the person beneath and we were dating for 3 months. I was really happy, I thought she was really happy, but a week ago she ended it out of nowhere. The only explanation I really got was the chemistry wasn't right and I am "gentle and quiet" whereas she is "firey". I'm sure it's basically to do with the issues I was already aware of - lack of confidence, lack of social skills (gatherings with her family I rarely spoke because I don't really know them and not very good at that sort of thing), negativity, etc...

So on the one hand I'm really glad I got to experience the relationship and I learned quite a few things, on the other I'm just really upset that it ended basically because of who I am and my personality (she did say maybe she should have waited a bit to start with and get to know each other better, which basically means if she'd known me better she wouldn't have dated me..).

And again, on one hand I am feeling positive, as it's given me a real reason to change myself and try and become better and happier, to make sure this doesn't happen again, but on the other hand I really miss talking to her all the time. I just keep doing pathetic things like checking whatsapp to see if she's online talking to other people. I know i'm not going to be able to get over it just like that, and I really don't want to lose her altogether, she was my best friend for those 3-4 months, it's just difficult. I keep going back and forth between the 2 opposites of A) being fine and saying screw it then, i'll find someone who wants me, and B) just being really depressed that someone else is going to be the one to have the future I wanted with her.

So..yeah. Odd place.

 

[Graeme1988]

Starting to feel ma depression might be situational. :question:
And I'm not much of a people person, so, yeah, I'm f**ked. :kickingmyself:

 

[MollyBeGood]

Starting to feel ma depression might be situational. :question:
And I'm not much of a people person, so, yeah, I'm f**ked. :kickingmyself:

story of my life

 

[hoddesdon]

I'm in a bit of an odd place.

For 28 and a half years I was sure I'd never find anyone and just die alone, due to lack of social skills, friend-making abilities and various other things.

Somehow, I managed to find a girl at work who could see through my problems to the person beneath and we were dating for 3 months. I was really happy, I thought she was really happy, but a week ago she ended it out of nowhere. The only explanation I really got was the chemistry wasn't right and I am "gentle and quiet" whereas she is "firey". I'm sure it's basically to do with the issues I was already aware of - lack of confidence, lack of social skills (gatherings with her family I rarely spoke because I don't really know them and not very good at that sort of thing), negativity, etc...

So on the one hand I'm really glad I got to experience the relationship and I learned quite a few things, on the other I'm just really upset that it ended basically because of who I am and my personality (she did say maybe she should have waited a bit to start with and get to know each other better, which basically means if she'd known me better she wouldn't have dated me..).

And again, on one hand I am feeling positive, as it's given me a real reason to change myself and try and become better and happier, to make sure this doesn't happen again, but on the other hand I really miss talking to her all the time. I just keep doing pathetic things like checking whatsapp to see if she's online talking to other people. I know i'm not going to be able to get over it just like that, and I really don't want to lose her altogether, she was my best friend for those 3-4 months, it's just difficult. I keep going back and forth between the 2 opposites of A) being fine and saying screw it then, i'll find someone who wants me, and B) just being really depressed that someone else is going to be the one to have the future I wanted with her.

So..yeah. Odd place.

At least there were some positives.

 

[MollyBeGood]

I feel so vulnerable all of the time lately. I hate it. Everything hurts me. I am like a raw wound. I need some healing time but there is none in sight.

 

[PugofCrydee]

Feeling the black cloud consume me again.
When I'm depressed I watch LOTR- for the friendships and sacrifice
The Walking Dead- because I want that to happen to all the dicks out there.. I can dream cant i?
And I feel the insatiable appetite to travel. For the last 2 days I've been getting these 'flashbacks' of emotions, feelings that I've had when I've been on my travels.. I feel who I was meant to be when I travel.

 

[Graeme1988]

I feel so vulnerable all of the time lately. I hate it. Everything hurts me. I am like a raw wound. I need some healing time but there is none in sight.

Same here... It's quite annoying. :sad: :kickingmyself:

 

[Kiwong]

My life is a huge paradox I keep making dreams happen, but I don't get to really enjoy them, because I am forever under this cloud of dread and despair.

 

[GraybeardGhost]

Having trouble with the walking thing this morning. Good thing I have no place to go and no one to care if I don't show up.