I just feel down, pointless. Frustrated.
I struggle with the fact that as long as I'm still alive, I must continue to keep living, and in the end you are the only one who must decide how to handle your existence. Because after a point all people can do is shrug and move on with their own lives, and how can you expect otherwise? They have to take care of themselves, your life and your thoughts are an alien world they will never have to be in. Sucks to be you.
Not feeling sorry for myself by the way. I don't feel pity for myself right now. I am just completely baffled as to what my next move is supposed to be, as far as taking care of myself goes.
The hard fact is... I honestly don't want to live. Not that I'm planning a suicide or anything, but... how do I explain? I loathe this existence. That I'm trapped in this human body, in this society, this planet. I don't want to be here. I don't want to face it all. I've tried to just suck it up, and it works, and I'm glad. But I can only hide my dissatisfaction for so long...
Anyway. Distraction helps. Distraction and lowering my standards... really far. So I won't be as disappointed. I read a lot and go online and work a lot. And that consumes my days... Until I figure out another way of being, this is my reality.