Going to a bar alone?

[MollyBeGood]

I went to the bar alone a few times and didn't like it. I kinda knew I wouldn't. I don't like going in public so it makes no sense for me to subject myself to the torture of the local water hole complete with drunks, racists and getting hit on by strangers...no thanks! I would rather be alone. I don't even like to work in restraunts that serve alcohol anymore because of being hit on by drunks. People are jerks when they drink as a norm.

 

[THeCARS1979]

Ive been in Coyote Ugly and other places such as Tonic, karaoke alone, yes at times felt weird ,and alone.

 

[JackOfSpades]

I went to the bar alone a few times and didn't like it. I kinda knew I wouldn't. I don't like going in public so it makes no sense for me to subject myself to the torture of the local water hole complete with drunks, racists and getting hit on by strangers...no thanks! I would rather be alone. I don't even like to work in restraunts that serve alcohol anymore because of being hit on by drunks. People are jerks when they drink as a norm.

I know the grass is always greener, but I wish I could walk in and just get hit on...

 

[MollyBeGood]

I know the grass is always greener, but I wish I could walk in and just get hit on...

aw...Ok I will hit on you at the bar! I might...:shyness:

idk...if you're a female alone it just feels weird and very desperate to me to be in a bar, let alone the drunk company is less than attractive unless you're two sheets to the wind which I have been but I try not in public haha

 

[JackOfSpades]

aw...Ok I will hit on you at the bar! I might...:shyness:

idk...if you're a female alone it just feels weird and very desperate to me to be in a bar, let alone the drunk company is less than attractive unless you're two sheets to the wind which I have been but I try not in public haha

haha I might have to walk in that bar, then. Might lol I've never tried a bar alone. And I always feel fairly desperate being anywhere crowded when I'm alone. But I think it's unfair to myself to feel that way, and unnecessary. The brief moments I've experienced that total comfort alone amidst a crowd have felt really reassuring and made me feel powerful knowing I was self sufficient that way. And when it's real, I think people notice that confidence too. The challenge is making it real.

 

[CrazyGirl]

I have. Sometimes its better just sittin home alone

 

[NightTimeForever]

Going to a bar with my sister and her boyfriend was awkward enough, I can't imagine how you felt.

 

[THeCARS1979]

Hello again. If anyone has been reading any of my posts, you'll probably see a mix of success and frustration. I've managed to get dates through online dating and a lot of those dates went well, although all of the dates ended rather quickly due to certain factors, some of those factors couldn't even be determined.

The positive thing is that I'm capable of carrying on a conversation in a 1 on 1 setting. The initiating in person is what I am afraid of. Not to mention having multiple people that I have to talk to. I definitely have SA and am afraid of being around people.

On to the bar thing. How many of you go to bars alone? A person I spoke with in a different thread said that he went to bars alone and walked up and talked to people a lot.

Honestly, that made me feel a little bad at the time because I looked at myself and realized that I've been terrified of doing that for years, and is why I've avoided bar rooms and clubs. Are many of you able to do that, to just approach people at a bar and strike conversation?

I have other questions like what do you do at a bar? Are you talking to people all the time? I mean I've been to a few bars before, but I found myself just chilling by myself and watching other people dance or talk.

By the way, I technically don't have friends right now, I don't hang out with anyone. Do you guys go to bars solo? If so, what do you do the whole time when you're there? I am concerned about just being the creepy guy who sits by himself and stalks other people's conversations and stares at other people having a good time. Because if I'm not that guy, then I'm just staring at my drink or staring at the wall?

I guess I have a lot of questions, haha. Feel free to tell me about your experiences or thoughts. I am looking to get a social life and/or dating life. Thought this could be some kind of start?

Thats good cause at least you had gotten some dates because I havent. Im not looking in the right spot and seem to have lost some hope in both the outdoor dating and online dating too.

 

[Richey]

I went to the bar alone a few times and didn't like it. I kinda knew I wouldn't. I don't like going in public so it makes no sense for me to subject myself to the torture of the local water hole complete with drunks, racists and getting hit on by strangers...no thanks! I would rather be alone. I don't even like to work in restraunts that serve alcohol anymore because of being hit on by drunks. People are jerks when they drink as a norm.

Its too hard not to come across as desperate and it feels too forced going alone to bars, i think, but its different for restaurants, you can sit there and play a game on the iphone or read a book and eat instead.

there are some pubs where you can go to and its not too busy and you can order some drinks and sit at the tables, but after say 30 minutes it feels like its time to leave, for me anyway.

 

[Richey]

Going to a bar with my sister and her boyfriend was awkward enough, I can't imagine how you felt.

especially if they are all extroverts, gossipy, and talk about really mainstream things, about FB etc. which most people seem to be into, in my world anyway, to certain varying degrees. i dont know many introverts, though i have met some and they were exactly like me.

its amazing when you go with a group somewhere and how they can talk and talk about anything with their ego hats on so easily...

its exhausting just being there...

i think its more the intensity and the superficiality that sort of puts me off. i can join in better if the people are just really placid but down to earth, not too intense, if that makes sense.

 

[Mario8]

I could never go to a bar alone, and being as I have no friends, I havent been in years. But I do know that, aside from it being the worse possible place to pick up a decent person, places like bars, clubs etc are usually very noisy and crowded. Its hard to get to know someone that way. Plus. Most people that go there are often bound by some sort of time curfew, or their friends. In a sense, hitting up a girl at a pub is like talking to someone while the meter is running.

I`m not saying its impossible to get to know someone like that. The more attractive you are, the easier it is to be successful in this. But I think that over all, you are more likely to find a sexual partner, rather than a romantic one.

 

[JackOfSpades]

But I think that over all, you are more likely to find a sexual partner, rather than a romantic one.

This response isn't directed at you but the thought, which I think some people share with you. But:
Is there a huge distinction between the two or is this a self imposed limitation. Where there's a will there's a way, and I see no reason to believe starting a relationship sexually is any less viable a way than any other, provided you know how to work from that angle. I'm also of the mind that if you're that good, you will be getting a call back.

 

[sullyS25]

This response isn't directed at you but the thought, which I think some people share with you. But:
Is there a huge distinction between the two or is this a self imposed limitation. Where there's a will there's a way, and I see no reason to believe starting a relationship sexually is any less viable a way than any other, provided you know how to work from that angle. I'm also of the mind that if you're that good, you will be getting a call back.

You do raise a good point.

My experience with girls that will sleep with you after meeting you in a bar is that they are scandalous. By scandalous I mean that when they are not at the bar with you, they are meeting other guys and going home with them. After one experience in particular, I came to find out that I had kissed almost every dude that frequents that bar because she got around.

Which is completely fine as well if you don't mind that, I am not saying it is a bad thing, it just is not the type of girl I am looking for. I am in a relationship now and I like the anticipation leading up to sleeping with the girl. Of course any guy wants it the first time they mess around but after waiting a little bit, it seriously makes it that much nicer, for me. Others may be different but that has been MY experience.

 

[sullyS25]

Hello JackOfSPades. I do not know if this is entirely a self-imposed limitation. Casual hookups isn't love. It just isn't. Social psychology has gone a long way to help us better understand this dilemma. There is extensive scientific research into misattribution, and each person is going to have their own personal belief regardless. Although you might not see any problem, I have my own concerns, and it has nothing to do with viability. I'm not judging you. I respect your beliefs and your free to make your own decisions. But having gone bar-hoping, clubbing, and so forth, my experiences taught me differently. I know that meeting 'reliable' people in a bar isn't right; for me. Plenty of people do meet in bars and it isn't any big deal. Whatever floats your boat, so to speak.

It does seem incredibly deceptive though. Misattribution is a term in psychology which means the confusion of a physical responses (i.e. fast heart rate) for love. If you want to start a relationship sexually where people don't even know each other, that's fine. But it is a slight-of-hand to expect them to call you back because they've literally confused arousal with love.

Very well put!

 

[JackOfSpades]

I feel all most people need to stop what they're doing and want you is for you to be memorable. For you to strike a certain nerve. I believe this is the basis for all budding relationships-you incite an interest for more. And sexuality to me is just another way to, among any other way. And even before any of that, there are countless ways to be noticed or incite that interest. Maybe you're a clever talker, maybe your flirtation is fun, maybe you make her laugh, maybe she likes your smile. There are so many ways to get under someone's skin. And if all she takes away initially is being unable to forget how small and fragile she felt when you grabbed her waist that time, then so be it. All that matters is getting that foot in the door. Like anything else in life.

Also, sometimes I think it's easier to work backwards this way in some respects, because for some, sexuality can be the most guarded or touchy subject to arrive at when doing things in a conventional order. Arriving there earlier or even having open conversations early, can be very bonding and intimate but moreover it can make alot of other conversation less charged by comparison and easier to have at that point. I don't think that what started sexual has to stay sexual. And I think there are too many opportunities before after or during, to light that same spark of thought. But maybe that's just me. I don't believe in definitives.

 

[JackOfSpades]

Hello JackOfSPades. I do not know if this is entirely a self-imposed limitation. Casual hookups isn't love. It just isn't. Social psychology has gone a long way to help us better understand this dilemma. There is extensive scientific research into misattribution, and each person is going to have their own personal belief regardless. Although you might not see any problem, I have my own concerns, and it has nothing to do with viability. I'm not judging you. I respect your beliefs and your free to make your own decisions. But having gone bar-hoping, clubbing, and so forth, my experiences taught me differently. I know that meeting 'reliable' people in a bar isn't right; for me. Plenty of people do meet in bars and it isn't any big deal. Whatever floats your boat, so to speak.

It does seem incredibly deceptive though. Misattribution is a term in psychology which means the confusion of a physical responses (i.e. fast heart rate) for love. If you want to start a relationship sexually where people don't even know each other, that's fine. But it is a slight-of-hand to expect them to call you back because they've literally confused arousal with love.

I understand some of these points and do disagree with others. However, even some I can acknowledge, I feel exist in an idealistic vacuum. Not to be insultating or dismissive.

Edit: and other terms I feel are misusage and exaggeration. I never used loved. I simply mean cultivation of interest.

 

[SlowPoet]

Perhaps we (I'm including myself should go to a bar or club or similar.

Not to meet women, or make friends, or whatever, but because it's difficult and we don't want to. I find myself listing all the reasons for not doing it; all very logical and reasonable arguments for not going. And you know what? I'm trying to lie to myself. I'm scared and I believe no-one would be friends with me, never mind anything meaningful. So I stay at home.

So maybe that's the reason to go. Because we don't want to.

 

[gustavofring]

^Often the thing that we most fear is the thing that we must do most.

 

[Mario8]

This response isn't directed at you but the thought, which I think some people share with you. But:
Is there a huge distinction between the two or is this a self imposed limitation. Where there's a will there's a way, and I see no reason to believe starting a relationship sexually is any less viable a way than any other, provided you know how to work from that angle. I'm also of the mind that if you're that good, you will be getting a call back.

I was... referring to the OP. But sure. You seem like your talkative fellow, so ill give it a go once. Well, perhaps this is due to my lame English, but what I meant was, that when you go to a bar or a club, a person is more likely to end up with a one night fling, rather than a meaningful relationship. That`s all there is to it, and that`s what I meant. I didn't say its "impossible", I merely implied that its not probable. If your a top player, Jack, than i`m happy for you!

 

[OceanMist]

Well than all the power to you man! I cant tell you what will work for you, I can only tell you what didn't work for me.

I hope you can find a girl that has more in common with you than drinking and liking to go out though.

Youre right, not all women will think your a loser if you portray an image of confidence. But if youre unsure about yourself and such then chances are they will. I think you have a good attitude about this though so i give you mad props.

I know what you mean and you are very right about this, that women can see insecurity and shyness and are usually turned off by it. I've actually had to experience that exact thing happening much throughout my life.

My aura isn't very good. People will call me negative, but to give it to you straight, I do come off as shy and dorky. I know this because I've heard numerous men and women say this about me when they were around me. I've even had older women call me loser or dork numerous times, but the point is that this is how I come off.

Although I have that big fault and actually am shy, I don't think that will be dealbreaker to every single woman that I find attractive. You do have a point though, it's possible that most will not like my shy dorkiness.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I tend to do that when typing, but sometimes people say things that inspire me to write more.

I also hope I can find a woman that has more in common with me than drinking and liking to go out. Considering my shyness, what I really need is a woman who understands me. I've always wanted that, a woman that understands me, as sappy as it sounds.

I'm playing to the minority, so to speak, as most women want a man who has a lot of social confidence and social status and at least average money.

In conclusion to all this mumbo jumbo, I refuse to believe that there isn't some woman out there that I think is attractive that can't love me despite my flaws. I'm not saying you are saying that, just saying what I'm thinking right now.

When I look at myself, I know this sounds cocky but I don't care....I can't believe I've been alone for as long as I have. I'm not that bad of a guy.