Going to a bar alone?

[OceanMist]

Hello again. If anyone has been reading any of my posts, you'll probably see a mix of success and frustration. I've managed to get dates through online dating and a lot of those dates went well, although all of the dates ended rather quickly due to certain factors, some of those factors couldn't even be determined.

The positive thing is that I'm capable of carrying on a conversation in a 1 on 1 setting. The initiating in person is what I am afraid of. Not to mention having multiple people that I have to talk to. I definitely have SA and am afraid of being around people.

On to the bar thing. How many of you go to bars alone? A person I spoke with in a different thread said that he went to bars alone and walked up and talked to people a lot.

Honestly, that made me feel a little bad at the time because I looked at myself and realized that I've been terrified of doing that for years, and is why I've avoided bar rooms and clubs. Are many of you able to do that, to just approach people at a bar and strike conversation?

I have other questions like what do you do at a bar? Are you talking to people all the time? I mean I've been to a few bars before, but I found myself just chilling by myself and watching other people dance or talk.

By the way, I technically don't have friends right now, I don't hang out with anyone. Do you guys go to bars solo? If so, what do you do the whole time when you're there? I am concerned about just being the creepy guy who sits by himself and stalks other people's conversations and stares at other people having a good time. Because if I'm not that guy, then I'm just staring at my drink or staring at the wall?

I guess I have a lot of questions, haha. Feel free to tell me about your experiences or thoughts. I am looking to get a social life and/or dating life. Thought this could be some kind of start?

 

[mart22n]

I am looking to get a social life and/or dating life.

Now we're talking. Taking opportunities and setting goals seems to be rare on this forum, so props to you.

I have been to bars alone sometimes. My advice: find people who are alone as well. I don't believe in blending with a group of strangers very much. You asked, what do you do at a bar? When you find a person to talk to, talk to him/her as long as you wish, and maybe if you TOTALLY run out of things to say, move on.

Hint1: if you really want to get a social life, do you realize that at some point you have to recklessly decide to do as you please in social settings, to become more social. You simply cannot achieve it otherwise.

Hint2: Keep us updated about your bar-visits!

Good luck!

 

[knowledgeofself]

I have been to pubs and bars alone before many times. I usually just chill by myself or take in the entertainment like a band playing or dj. I don't usually make conversation with others but sometimes people talk to me and so I politely chat back with them. I go for the music and good drink if they are available! also I go to get a break from sitting in my room or if my father is inviting people here.

 

[Hellhound]

If you're looking for friends or love, I don't think you'll find it in a bar or a pub. I would suggest places where you have a common interest with others, that might help.

 

[coyote]

it's hard to have any kind of meaningful encounter in one of those places with flashing lights, loud music, cover charges, and $10 drinks

go to a quiet neighborhood tavern, sit at the bar, talk to the bartender, root for the local team that's playing whatever game happens to be on the television, put some quarters on the pool table, offer to buy a round of drinks, smile - you'll meet people in no time

the more often you go to the same place and encounter the same people, the more likely you might be to develop a friendship. being in the same place, at the same time, with the same people over and over is often the basis of many relationships - like school, or coming here.

 

[twiggle]

it's hard to have any kind of meaningful encounter in one of those places with flashing lights, loud music, cover charges, and $10 drinks

go to a quiet neighborhood tavern, sit at the bar, talk to the bartender, root for the local team that's playing whatever game happens to be on the television, put some quarters on the pool table, offer to buy a round of drinks, smile - you'll meet people in no time

This ^

I think it's good that you're taking this step, it's quite a brave thing to do. What I would suggest - if you do get worried - is perhaps take along a newspaper or a book or something. This will mean you don't have to worry about where you should be looking whilst you're sat by yourself. People will just assume you're there to get some time out and so it means you won't stand out for being there alone (not that you would necessarily, just that your anxiety might make you fear that's the case). Then as coyote says, over time if you keep going back you'll learn to recognise the same faces etc and small talk will begin, and who knows what that could lead to.

 

[Bustn Justin]

I've went to clubs by myself when I was younger and foundthat people didn't seem intersted with me since they already have freinds or dates to hang out with anyways. When I see that I think to myself as to why they have a group of people to hang out with and I don't. Then of course the depression kicks in.

Now the only time I will go to a club alone is if there is a band/DJ that I really want to see.

 

[TailsAlone]

Never. I've been to bars with other people only a few times (just family) and never alone. I hate the idea of stepping with cement feet into some overcrowded nightclub, paying an arm and a leg for beer I would rather drink alone, stumbling over drunks, sitting there alone while everyone wonders who the hell I am, and trying to talk to a woman when I'm not even interested in romance, embarrassing myself in front of all the other guys there who actually know what they're doing.

The "quiet neighborhood tavern" thing sounds better, if I knew of any. Or wanted to drink in public. Or was genuinely interested in romance.

 

[Uncertain]

I could NEVER go alone to a bar, I think I would probably die!
All those people... I don't have courage for that! ::

 

[Sial Axetder]

No clubs alone, that's insane!
Pubs, pubs, pubs. Sit at bar make a few attempts to convers. But take your time and go, I'll take some bad hits here maybe, regularly. Once a week. I got to know

- Tracey, Wendy, Jen, Shannon, another Shannon, Lenaea (sp?), Tom, Tony, Steve, John, Dave, and some other guy who was clearly off his rocker. Takes time though.

Drink drink and be merry!

 

[OceanMist]

I went to a bar to meet a woman there this evening and I went early so I wound up waiting at a table alone for about 20-25 minutes.

It was weird. I was one of the only people alone. That didn't bother me, I just felt like kind of a tool sitting there by myself. It wasn't very bad though.

The crowd was most older people because the bar, it was kind of that type of bar when it's not the weekend, so that particular crowd came in.

I was nervous and I had my arm shaking uncontrollably for some reason for a while. I think the waitress thought I was a dork (I heard actually say that when she was talking to a co-worker). That's okay though, I am kind of a dork, I already know that so it's cool. I'm used to hearing that insult.

All in all, I got through it and it went okay. The more I meet women in social places, the more I see that I don't really like being around people.

I'm not sure if I should even try the going alone to the bar thing anymore. If I don't like being around people, what's the point?

 

[OceanMist]

Big accomplishment on Friday. I went into a bar that was busy as hell on a Friday night and went in there sober. I went in on my own.

It was loud in there, haha. It was so loud that the bartender couldn't hear me order my drink. I had to say it like 5 times, louder each time. Blue Moon!

I wasn't alone for long because I met the girl I've been hanging out with and her friends. It went well.

I am thinking about dedicating this thread to going to bars and trying to make friends or more, hopefully getting the courage to approach women that I don't know at the bars eventually.

Right now, I want to set my goal for this weekend to going to a bar alone and standing there for 30 minutes? It must be on a Thurs-Sat night, in that range.

Peak hours because that's when it's hardest. That's when the most female traffic is in there.

 

[stever]

Why would you go to a bar alone? Why not making a few friends in town first?

 

[bleach]

I find going to bars with friends usually more nerve wracking than going alone. why? because when I know the people at the bar, I am expected to make conversation, be funny and friendly, flirt with women, and so on. failure to do these things makes you look like a weirdo/loser/psycho. on the other hand when nobody knows who you are there are no expectations and not much interest either. if you don't talk to anyone, and just sit alone having a drink, no one cares. if you talk to someone and have an awkward conversation, no one cares. that makes it easier to relax IME.

on the downside it can be boring to just sit at a bar drinking by yourself if you don't have anything else to do. that's why I rarely do it unless the bar is screening something PPV that I want to watch. if no one talks to me I can still watch a few good fights and be entertained. and if someone strikes up a conversation, that gives us something to talk about too.

 

[JackOfSpades]

I agree with Bleach, in a sense that when I'm around people I've previously seen or been around before who I hadn't spoken to, I feel more awkward than if it was the first time seeing them. Because of the reasons he said.

I've only been to a proper bar once, and not alone. And been to a few clubs, also not alone. But when I did used to go to clubs, my friends would often split away and just walk around doing their own thing, so I was essentially alone most of the time. Admittedly not a lot happened for me, but just about everytime I went someone would ask to dance, or stare from across the room or show me some sign of life. So it was just about always positive, but I'd still have to summon up a lot of courage to actually step inside alone.

 

[Dreamscape]

I got a dinner party tonight I bought ticket for. there are some people that knows me before. I'm just expected to perform some conversation with them which i suck at making one. so i don't think im attending there. hence if there were like noone i know in there then i would be more comfortable. this feeling is really blowing my mind.

 

[OceanMist]

I did it! Went to a bar alone on a Friday night. It was very busy.

I went up to the bar and every barseat was taken. It was very weird and I think I may have creeped out a woman that I was standing next to when I walked in there and just stood there next to her. There was nowhere else to stand really if I wanted a drink. I stood there for a minute and then saw an open booth so I just decided to sit down and not order a drink.

My goal was 30 minutes, stay there for 30 minutes and then leave, and I accomplished it.

About the experience, it was very weird being there alone. I was the only person who was alone, everyone else had their cliques. I did expect that, but I didn't expect to feel like as much of an outsider as I did. About 10 minutes in I started feeling uncomfortable.

I was afraid when I went in there at first, it wasn't too bad though.

I'm not really sure what to think after doing it. It was very boring. I managed to keep myself somewhat occupied by texting a woman that I met online and watching a basketball game that was on tv. It was still weird though, because everyone was there to hang out with people and talk, while I was all alone.

I'm proud of myself for being strong enough to go in to a bar alone on a friday night during heavy hours. At the same time, I feel alone. I am going to take some time to gather my thoughts. I am having trouble describing how I feel right now. I'll post more later.

 

[Fighter86]

I could NEVER go alone to a bar, I think I would probably die!
All those people... I don't have courage for that! ::

Same here, I wouldn't even go to a bar with people I know. Nightspots make me nervous. Its nerve racking though I always have fantacies of myself going to a bar alone and meeting someone who takes an interest in me. Go figure.

 

[crazycatlady27]

congrats, welldone i know i could never do that in a million years
so i bow down to your courage

 

[xDreamseller]

I've only gone to a bar once on my own, with a similar experience to your time waiting for the girl you met Ocean. I was going to meet some other guys from school and I arrived first. I was barely 18, looked 14, and sat awkwardly on my own while everyone else there was about 30+ and all in their own little groups. Eventually the people I was waiting for did turn up though and we had a good night.

I wouldn't mind going to a bar on my own if I was older. Any bar I've been in, everyone goes there with people that are around my age. I think it's a more "socially acceptable" thing to do if you're 30+ instead of still a teenager.

I am however planning to go and see Asking Alexandria play in January in a bar on my own. Should be interesting, never been to a heavy metal concert.

Good luck with the girl you've met Ocean, seems like you're getting along pretty well.