Going to a bar alone?

[OceanMist]

I'd like to input something towards page 6 with the disagreement on sexual relationships and serious relationships if those words work.

Let me reitterate what i said earlier in response to this, but I really think many people have a stereotype for bargoers and automatically assume that everyone is there just to get laid.

Don't get me wrong, many go there for sex, but many also go there to look for a serious relationship. Especially women. There are many wholesome women that go to bars.

As I said b4, bars, clubs, pubs are pretty much the number 1 hotspot, worldwide for that matter, of a place to socialize. All people from all walks of life will go into bars. Hell there are even hipster bars, townie bars, frat bars, you name it, they got it.

As for me, I'm not just looking for sex. The main thing I want is to meet people. If I do get to have sex, obviously I'm not going to complain, though.

Food for thought: think of all the people that met their spouse in a bar.....it's a lot. If a survey was done on where people met their spouses, a ton would say bars or clubs. Granted that survey would need to be of randomized people, not just SPW people, no offense.

 

[NightTimeForever]

especially if they are all extroverts, gossipy, and talk about really mainstream things, about FB etc. which most people seem to be into, in my world anyway, to certain varying degrees. i dont know many introverts, though i have met some and they were exactly like me.

its amazing when you go with a group somewhere and how they can talk and talk about anything with their ego hats on so easily...

its exhausting just being there...

i think its more the intensity and the superficiality that sort of puts me off. i can join in better if the people are just really placid but down to earth, not too intense, if that makes sense.

I haven't noticed my sister and her boyfriend constantly talking about Facebook, but then I only see them a few times a year! I think they try to make me feel comfortable whenever we're out, though.

Still, they are relatively comfortable in crowded places, and I am not. I might be making some improvements in that area, but for the most part I always get panic attacks when going into those places.

 

[OceanMist]

Went to the bars again with my bro. We were there for at least 2 hours, I think.

I hung out with some of my brothers friends and this time it was a little easier to hang at the bar because they were very social and one of the guys talked to everyone including me.

I did let myself drift off by myself a fair amount of the time. this time was very interesting.

The reason why is I had at least 3 people come up to me and ask me how I was doing. One guy had this surprised look and said "Hey, so are you just chillin?" I was by myself at a table and was like yep.

Then there was a very interesting thing that happened, a guy came up to me and said something like, "Hey man, I have so much respect for you. I admire the courage and confidence to chill at a bar by yourself where you don't know anyone." I was like wow, thanks. I was surprised that people are that nice anywhere, to go out of their way and give a very kind statement like that.

So, I guess people can get both sides of people's views when they are alone. Some people will call you a loser if you are a man and alone at a bar, some people have respect for you.

The third person was just a woman seeing if I was okay. I asked her how she was doing and she told me she wasn't hitting on me, haha, just checking on me. She quickly left.

 

[blkntann]

This post seems to have meandered a bit. "Going to a bar alone" does not automatically mean seeking a mate or conquest.

If one just wants to go to a bar alone, the best way to make it tolerable is to begin by having zero expectations outside of the obvious business transaction of being served and paying your bartender. My better times have come when I've had no particular expectations beyond that.

Sit at the bar, not at a table, especially if you're on your own and not meeting anyone. I've been fortunate to have more great bartenders than not, which leads to some great conversation, and at times, the bartender has facilitated introductions with others sitting at the bar, especially if I was a newcomer. Sure, the bartender is not your best friend, but the best of them know, if their customer is happy, they'll make more money, and good times all around are a bonus.

Its unfortunate that "going to a bar alone" gets such negative stigma.

Why one goes to a bar alone probably is the issue for analysis.

You don't have to be a lush or an alcoholic to actually like the products served there, nor do you even have to drink alcohol. Just tip appropriately so the bartender doesn't think you were born in a barn.

For example, maybe the bar you go to focuses on specialty beer and maybe locally only or domestic only distilled spirits. Your bartender is likely going to be a bit of an expert in these matters, and if nothing else, there's no law that you can't make liquor connoisseurship a hobby. It will give you other things to talk about, and it can guide the way to conversations with others who may be able to further enlighten you.

Experiment with some different libations, perhaps. Sometimes, there's nothing the bartender enjoys more than getting to experiment themself or maybe show off and introduce you to a favorite of theirs. Maybe they have a bottle of something a distributor brought as a bonus and is on special, but you won't know if you don't ask about such things.

I couldn't fathom going to a bar alone and sitting at a table. It certainly sux if people look at you funny, but sometimes maybe they wonder why you would take up an entire table by yourself when you could be sitting at the bar, so a group could sit together.

Sitting at the bar just seems to offer far more opportunities for interacting, if that's what you wish, than in other parts of the bar. I always seem to get far better service at the bar than waiting for a server as well. You don't get half the fun opportunities of talking with your server if you're at a table; they have too many obligations. The bartender sometimes has downtime and is more than glad to make conversation, if that's what you wish.

Going to the bar offers hope of unknown adventure. It could be an uneventful visit, or you could wind up having more fun than you imagined. Other than planning to watch a sports event, catch a band, or find a favorite on the menu, having no expectations is the best way to make a bar visit less stressful.

Additionally, for those who think that "going to a bar alone" is the next stop on the way to hell, there's ALOT of history to be found in bars, especially in older parts of this country. I've seen art and old signage that I never would have seen anywhere else, and its pretty satisfying. Bar culture deserves to be explored and enjoyed, not denigrated. It is people's lack of self-discipline and bad manners that bring most problems. I have decided that most any bar deserves one visit, and if you don't like it, you're never compelled to return. But often, something redeeming will present itself. Even if its just the quirky installation of a hockey puck in the bathroom being used as a doorknob stop to protect the wall!


Good luck to all of you who find this an intimidating scenario. After my best friend taught me basic bar behavior eons ago, I've never had a problem walking into any establishment in any city or state, by myself or otherwise. Even same gender bars. I've never been refused service, and it makes me wish I'd done some time bartending in my youth.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

@OceanMist-It's awesome that you're taking the initiative and putting yourself out there like that. I should try online dating, but I'm feeling too insecure right now.

Going to a Bar alone-NO WAY! I would be miserable and alone....all by myself. Just looking down at my Long Island Ice Tea. :sad:

Hello again. If anyone has been reading any of my posts, you'll probably see a mix of success and frustration. I've managed to get dates through online dating and a lot of those dates went well, although all of the dates ended rather quickly due to certain factors, some of those factors couldn't even be determined.

The positive thing is that I'm capable of carrying on a conversation in a 1 on 1 setting. The initiating in person is what I am afraid of. Not to mention having multiple people that I have to talk to. I definitely have SA and am afraid of being around people.

On to the bar thing. How many of you go to bars alone? A person I spoke with in a different thread said that he went to bars alone and walked up and talked to people a lot.

Honestly, that made me feel a little bad at the time because I looked at myself and realized that I've been terrified of doing that for years, and is why I've avoided bar rooms and clubs. Are many of you able to do that, to just approach people at a bar and strike conversation?

I have other questions like what do you do at a bar? Are you talking to people all the time? I mean I've been to a few bars before, but I found myself just chilling by myself and watching other people dance or talk.

By the way, I technically don't have friends right now, I don't hang out with anyone. Do you guys go to bars solo? If so, what do you do the whole time when you're there? I am concerned about just being the creepy guy who sits by himself and stalks other people's conversations and stares at other people having a good time. Because if I'm not that guy, then I'm just staring at my drink or staring at the wall?

I guess I have a lot of questions, haha. Feel free to tell me about your experiences or thoughts. I am looking to get a social life and/or dating life. Thought this could be some kind of start?

 

[OceanMist]

Went to the bar on New Year's Eve last night for about an hour. My bro and his friends were there, but this time I wasn't comfortable going into their group so I spent the majority of the time by myself at the bar or watching the band play by myself. A couple of my bros friends introduced themselves to me but that was about it.

I had problems with depression this morning and feel like I need to have some friends because I don't have any friends that are actually close. I feel like I don't even know anyone.

I also felt too afraid to go into a group of people that my bro was hanging out with because I felt like it'd be awkward because I didn't feel like I had anything to say.

I'm proud of myself for having the courage to go out on New Years Eve, which is one of the toughest nights to go into a bar. I also feel alone. I'm missing personal connection in my life. It's disappointing to not be able to talk to people and connect with others in the bar like everyone else is.

Either I'm learning the hard way how to socialize or I'm just torturing myself while going nowhere. I'm not sure which one yet. It's difficult to get the courage to just go to the bar and walk in and then it's a battle just to stay there. I feel so much different than everyone.

Maybe I'm getting somewhere and just haven't quite got there yet. I sure hope so.

I know that not having expectations is a good way to not be disappointed, but to never have expecatations may leave me running in a circle. I'm sick of not having friends, and I'm kind of sick of never having a g/f.

 

[blkntann]

Hi OceanMist,

Props to you for trying, sorry it wasn't great. If I lived near you, *I'd* go to the bar with you!

And you ARE different than everybody else, try to find a way to make that a good thing! People don't realize how boring the world would be if we were all the same.

I also tend not to talk much, but oddly, when I find someone I have something in common with, people tell me I don't shut up.

Once again, look at your expectations; this doesn't have to be the end of the world.

I never said I'm completely happy with my situation, but trying to make the best of it, as we all are. I'd like a mate, too, but you can't make another do anything. I've had to already write off three lamers over the past year. Unmet promises and ridiculous expectations they offered me . . .

:crying:

 

[Lamb]

I'd love to gather the courage to go to a bar alone. When I was underage I'd always felt initial excitement at the thought. Now that I can, I'm scared sh*tless!

My concerns are getting hit on (btw skimmed this thread, didn't read entirely), making conversation, and having people feel sorry for me. I freeze up at the thought of not having anything intelligent to talk about. At this point I don't stay current with news, politics, or movies and such. If any of you have suggestions for a chick going solo I'd love to hear that.

Guys go for no other reason sometimes than to have a beer; I want that same entitlement.

 

[Lonely_Writer]

Who's to say you have to go to a bar to meet people? I've met some really great people in all sorts of other settings--and I didn't have to deal with a hangover the next day. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe take a class or join a club. Get creative with it, and you'll not only find someone who shares the same interests as you, you will have time to get to know them in a setting where you aren't having to yell over loud music. Just a thought.

 

[OceanMist]

Who's to say you have to go to a bar to meet people? I've met some really great people in all sorts of other settings--and I didn't have to deal with a hangover the next day. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe take a class or join a club. Get creative with it, and you'll not only find someone who shares the same interests as you, you will have time to get to know them in a setting where you aren't having to yell over loud music. Just a thought.

haha, um, I never said there weren't other options. I just made this thread because a bar is probably the most hottest social spot on a worldwide scale and it's always been my biggest fear to go into a bar on a Friday or Saturday night.

I figured if I challenge my fears of being around people that I could gain more confidence.

I also made this thread because a bar is one of the hottest spot to meet women. There are guaranteed dating potential women every weekend. Not all social clubs offer that.

 

[OceanMist]

Anyway, I plan on going tonight, and it might be alone, not sure yet. Interesting, huh?

I want to see if I can last an hour in a bar tonight.

I'm taking blkntann's advice to heart about sitting at the bar more. That will make me look more open to conversation. Last time I think I may have had a shot at talking to a woman when I sat at the bar so maybe I'm getting somewhere.

I may try 45 mins at the bar and 15 minutes standing somewhere else? I've got to figure out where I'm gonna go. It's very cold tonight, so I'll have to wear a lot of clothes because I'm riding my bike.

No drinking and driving ya'll. <I hope everyone follows that.

 

[this_portrait]

I've thought about it. I don't drink or dance, but since a large portion of people in my age group seem to be so damn fascinated with bars/clubs, I have thought about going to one by myself and just seeing what happens.

My old therapist suggested I not, telling me it's a little dangerous and that most of the people around me are there with friends and not really paying attention to anyone else.

I still haven't gone alone, primarily because I hate bars/clubs anyway.

Plus I've been hearing stuff about bartenders spiking drinks...

 

[coyote]

i wasn't going to go by myself tonight, even though i thought about it

but a pretty girl texted me and asked if i would go and watch the game with her

seems she really didn't want to sit there by herself either

so we sat and watched the game, drank some beers, and shared a turkey wrap and fries

we could have done the same thing in her living room

somehow it's different with all those people around

less intimate, more safe?

sometimes that's what the situation calls for

 

[OceanMist]

Okay, I decided not to go and I had a great reason why. It's freezing cold outside and the main reason is I have a brutal injury to my heel. I'm going to stand up for myself and not torture myself tonight by trying to go out and ride my bike and go to a bar in my situation.

Hopefully I'll get better. This sucks, I feel like I failed myself.

 

[PGT]

I can go to a pub and watch sports on my own or to a bar/club and watch a singer or a band. It is easy when you are all watching the same thing you feel part of a large group, its when the game or songs finish that is when the anxiety starts. I hate trying to start a conversation with anyone especially women, my mind just goes blank and i struggle for words. I think everyone should be able to start and hold a conversation to me its like learning to read and write its one of the essential skills of life. The fact that i struggle with it so much makes me very very sad.

 

[OceanMist]

I'm considering starting this bar thing up again. I know I've been gone for a while, and yes, I've been avoiding bars for the most part.

Heck, the last time I was in a bar, a girl I met from POF had a first date with me and then the next week she tells me she doesn't want to see me anymore.

I've been reading some PUA stuff and considering trying some of it if I can study it and get it down to where I'm comfortable.

I have incentive to try something, because I'm about to get my own apartment, and I doubt I'm going to want to keep spending practically all of my time alone at home. I will probably need company.

I'll try to keep you all updated, and let me know if you have any bar adventures too.

 

[OceanMist]

Hey, I found this yesterday and this guy who has talked to thousands of women in bars had this to say:

author: "Mystery"
date: Sun, 13 Sep 1998 04:00:00 GMT
newsgroup: alt.seduction.fast
subject: MISSION for NEWBIES...Now is the time to stop Babe-watching. Get into a fun mood (which I know is hard for the very first girl but you can fake it) and walk up to many girls

THAT is your mission. I would like you to do this and yes, this is going to be a different day than you've done before. The past does not have to equal the future. If you keep doing the things you've done then you'll keep getting the things you've gotten - and that is NO GIRLS. This is your mission. Talk to 20 women in one day. Go ALONE. Do not antimidate girls by having friends with you. Not 1 or 2 girls either. 20. That is a realistic #. If you feel it isnt, then Im telling you now you are completely wrong and your emotions are fighting you. You will CONTROL these emotions head on.

That was just a couple paragraphs. I shortened it to not bore you guys. The big thing I noticed is he said it's ok to go alone and talk to girls. I was wondering if these pro PUA guys ever did that, and apparently one of them said it's ok to do that. Maybe bar-hopping alone isn't such a bad idea?

I'm not interested in talking to 20 girls in a night, haha, but I get his point.

 

[Kiwong]

i wasn't going to go by myself tonight, even though i thought about it

but a pretty girl texted me and asked if i would go and watch the game with her

seems she really didn't want to sit there by herself either

so we sat and watched the game, drank some beers, and shared a turkey wrap and fries

we could have done the same thing in her living room

somehow it's different with all those people around

less intimate, more safe?

sometimes that's what the situation calls for

That sounds like a great date, Coyote. That could be enjoyable company and a good time.

Going into a bar or club would be the last thing I would ever want to do.

 

[zen_mistress]

I tend to go to cafes alone and the library and sit with coffees/food and try and focus on reading material. Sometimes it is hard. I havent been to a bar alone because there isnt really much of a bar/pub culture here and that that exists is very cronyistic and people there would just stare at me if I went there by myself.

 

[jaim38]

^sounds just like me several years ago. The library is my "bar/pub". While everybody was off partying at bars, clubs, lounges, or people's homes, I go to the library to chill. It's good to see barely anybody there but me and a few other people.