I understand Mol! I have a sore spot for stories of people who overcame horrible medical conditions to be successful and inspiring solely because they have an undying positive attitude.... Makes me want to hurl! I am in pain all the time and on top of it I have to feel guilty because I am not able to work or at least be an inspiration to others? Forget that. I HURT. I feel like I have the flu all the time. I ache every moment of every day and that is just baseline (it gets worse at times.) How can I be expected to be at the top of my game and cheerful all the time?
I am totally jaded, and I think it's understandable- or at least it should be. So many turned their backs on me when I got sick. When the fun stops and sh*t gets serious no one wants anything to do with you anymore, including my own mother. Yeah, it's not hard to imagine how my disorder developed. People seem to think there is something wrong with me, but in actuality, as the saying goes "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." If I open myself up for this type of hurt and rejection again wouldn't that just make me a fool? Seems like my reaction (social anxiety) is fully warranted, although unfortunate.
I won't let the disease or the anxiety ruin my life, but I will take joy from a different source now. I don't need a huge group of friends to enjoy the sunset, or an extended family circle to appreciate a warm breeze. I will give all of my love and energy to the few I have in my life who truly love and cherish me, and none to anyone who doesn't.